Next chapter

[escapingman]

I have struggled to decide in which sub forum to put this, but I think any of them would be suitable.

Since finalising the divorce and eventually moved in to my new home I have time to reflect and to spend a lot of time on healing myself. During the actual move and the first month with heightened contact with uNPDxw, DD2 and DD having more contact with uNPDxw my mental health actually deteriorated. It quickly became very clear that uNPDxw tried to use DD and DD2 to get to me, with any contact with DD2 was coming with strings attached. I refused to dance the dance with the devil so she has now cut all contact between me and DD2 again - in the process she has temporary(?) lost DD.

After this I have been in a state of procrastination and can't get to do anything with the house, I keep it clean and so on, but I can't get going with unpacking, decorating etc. Today at the gym, when listening to an audio book I suddenly felt an immense feeling of sadness and I almost started crying. I had a chat with a "friend" yesterday about some issues between his daughter and DD, but he asked about DD2 and he was horrified when I told him the latest. This chat yesterday must have triggered this sadness as I have been forced to put my feelings about DD2 to the back of my mind. Anyway, when experiencing this sadness I was pondering what to do, if I should just let her go to protect myself, I was even considering if I should sell the house and move somewhere else with DD. But then some strength came from somewhere and I felt this fight in my belly. This voice telling me "DD2 is living with the devil and you want to run! You got to save her" So, here I am, I got to save her. This will be a battle and a half. It will be me completely alone against her entire PD family.

At the same time I had enough of my meaningless job, yes I need it as I need money to pay the bills and buy food. But it has zero satisfaction and I am wasting my time on it. I want to give back and use all the knowledge I have acquired over my studies of PD and healing the last 7 years and experience of living in the middle of a PD storm for almost 20 years. This I want to do, make my living helping others and telling my story.

Let the next chapter begin, this will be big.   

[square]

Hey EM, I can relate to a lot of what you said. I've struggled to get things done, things that I actually want to do and would benefit from (like getting the house in order), but I just don't have it in me. For me, it feels pointless, for you, maybe something else, maybe you just really need everything you've got to go toward healing and have nothing extra right now.

I also totally get this experience of having important things just buried away and unexamined, as you have with DD2. Some things are just so big, and the only way you can go day to day, working, going to the market, cooking dinner, taking the kid to sports, and on and on is to just stuff it away. And it physically hurts to take it out and look at it.

Finally, I get the lack of satisfaction in work. I enjoyed my work before on some level, but there was no meaning behind it. My job was to make my boss and his clients richer. I was good at it. Big whoop. I have lately been musing about things I wish I could do, and I particularly would like to teach or tutor, and help teens. It's not saving the world but it's more than making some rich guy richer. Perhaps there is some aspect of your business that you can make more meaningful, such as donating your skill and time to a good cause. You have a lot going on, so that would be down the road, but just something to think about. (Also, of course, set up good boundaries so you don't feel trapped into giving more than you want).

I hope that flood of strength keeps going. Maybe write down the thoughts you associated with it, like your motivations in detail, the phrasing of your resolve. None of us can say whether you should fight for DD2 or stand back and be there for her when she is ready. But we've got your back with whatever you decide.

[escapingman]

Square, I am coming from a technical background and love "inventing" things and work outside the box. But living with uNPDxw and to suppport her lifestyle I had to find ways to both up my income but also work more flexible to cater for her needs - yes I know it's crazy. This also made me travel alot for work, which was probably the only thing that made me cope as it meant 2-3 days away from her every week. Now my work consist of doing quite short projects, not technical at all but more management consulting, it's very repetitive and the clients always have the same questions and issues. Frankly, I hate it but I have to keep doing it to pay the bills. I am looking at a blogging tool and my aim is to learn how it works and then setup a blog to start with, maybe a community if I enjoy it. If I can make some money out of it as well I might be able to drop my other job and concentrate fully on where ever the blog leads me. Or not. I don't know.

In my healing journey I have been reading so many books, watched so many youtube channels, I feel I almost have a pHD in PD people and PTSD and healing from it. With all this knowledge I really want to not just help myself, but also help others. I am not sure how, but I am sure that will be clear one day. I am going to fight for DD2, but I am not sure how, that will also come. At the moment I am documenting everything, but it is very frustrating to know  exactly what would be needed to save her but to have zero route to get there (at the moment).

[escapingman]

Thanks for the suggestion user, I am still deciding on platform etc. I am considering WordPress as you can get very technical so I could enjoy both the challenge of learning g new tech and write content.

[square]

Wordpress is great, full control, tons of plugins, you can do anything you want.

It's overkill if you just want something very simple, but if you like the tech stuff, I'd go with that. There is also a plugin that allows you to use php inline as well (PHP Anywhere is the plugin, very useful).

[escapingman]

Still haven't started, but it will come when it comes.

I have all the pieces in the jigsaw and it all should just fall in to place, but DD keep triggering me. I know she is triggering, and I know I should not react, but I still do. But I catch myself fairly quick, however I feel hurt and sad for hours after an episode. Her actions are so similar what uNPDxw used to do, they are teenage tempers, I realise that it was teenage tantrums from uNPDxw all the time (except from when she went all the way back to toddler state). My peace is so fragile, I need to build on it to make it more solid, but so hard when always being triggered.

[square]

The being triggered by kids thing is really hard. Wishing the very best to both of you.

[SeaBreeze]

During youngest DS's teen years, I worried he was mimicking his father's N traits. But then stbx-uNPDh acts like a moody teen, so not the best comparison??  So I hoped/figured it might be a phase with DS at that time. I also recognized that of my 3 kids, youngest DS's dynamic with his father most closely resembled my relationship with my own uNPD mother. So I set some appropriate expectations and healthy boundaries in place, while offering DS a safe place to vent his emotions so long as he remained respectful toward me.

I am proud and pleased to say that youngest DS, now in his early 20s, may be the most enlightened, self-aware young person I have the privilege of knowing. He is also very supportive and understands exactly why I left his father, and in fact we are roommates now.

Adolescence is tricky in any family; parenting or co-parenting with a PD partner/ex-partner certainly throws a whole other level of challenge into the mix. Give your DD time and just continue being there for her. She's a survivor, too.

[escapingman]

Thanks SeaBreeze,

I have noticed that DD is getting calmer and easier to deal with the LESS I react and tries to control. I have dropped a lot of the fights that really has no purpose, yes it's flipping annoying to find her dirty clothes all over the stairs and landing, but it is worth an argument that in the end will at least make me feel wounded. I am trying to help her get less dependent on me, one minute she thinks she can be out on her own late at night and the next I have to ask the shop assistance for her as she is scared. Another example, DD tells me she doesn't like my beard. I now politely tell her it is rude to say something like that, but then move on and don't leave that. Me being much more aware doesn't make me immune to reacting, but I am getting better on catching me when I unconsciously get into past reactions and tries to stop the negative thinking. It works, but the key is also to not dwell on failures and try to shake them off and learn for next time.

 

[square]

My DD can flip out and then can be resigned after her feelings go down again. There is absolutely no point pushing her when she is in her feelings, it's like she is fighting to the death.

But I do think it's worth enforcing normal boundaries instead of teaching she can have her way if she flips out. After she calms down, she needs to do the thing or at least offer a reasonable alternative solution.

She's not happy during this, not at all, but she can pick up her clothes in any mood she likes, not my problem. But yes, impossible to proceed during some fight or flight blowup, it has to be dropped then reapproached.

[Lauren17]

I think that all teens display narcissistic behavior.  It's part of the growing process. 
Yes, I fully understand the triggering. And, it's terrifying to see our kids displaying traits and behaviors of their PD parent. Is it adolescence? Is it fleas? Is it PD? Have I completely failed?
I've been working with my T on how to respond when I'm triggered by DD. I'm trying to focus only on what DD has said/done and completely stay from any mention of her father.  Usually, this only happens after I've spent some time recovering from the trigger.  Reminding myself this is DD, not uNPDxh and that I am safe.

[escapingman]

I really got a bad set back over the last days but I am getting back on track again. I had some bad triggers from DD2 and then I got huge anxiety about a trip to my home area. I think it's mainly the trip that has triggered me as I have not planned to see my FOO and I can already feel the tension that will happen when they find out whenever that will be. I have been VLC with all of them since the disastrous visit last summer, and they are punishing me with withholding any support other than sending guilt ridden presents for b-days and X-mas. I know they all are talking behind my back, that will never change, but it hurts. I have gone through the worst 2 years of my life and they all made it about themselves, that is hard to accept and forgive.

DD2 is getting a more lost case by the day, she says terrible things about me to DD and is blatantly ignoring any contact I am trying to do. The only reason I have any contact with her is that she has been tasked by uNPDxw to extract as much money/material she can.