Why I am Staunchly No Contact- vent

[discarded]

Vent. trigger warning for mentions of physical abuse, and emotional abuse.

My relative knowingly corroborated and triangulated a known domestic abuser against me, and attacked my character by gaining intel from this person on me.

They simply re-enacted the abuse dynamics I grew up with, when one of my primary abusers died.

They had 0 empathy, and could not grasp why I thought what they did was so wrong, and offensive.

The domestic abuser is my brother, and my primary abuser was my mother. She passed away about a year ago. My mother used to get my brother to physically attack me when I was still a minor, and he was an adult. The reason the abuse started was because I told a teacher I was in distress, and the teacher called my mother asking to talk to her. My mother viewed this as a personal attack. My brother carried on his abuse with several other women, and even went to jail for it. My relative knew this.

When she died, they stonewalled me when I confronted them over their triangulation and asked them to hold space for me. Their concern was that I was "so angry" and might have an outburst.  It was very hypocritical given my brother's track record, and my relative's easy to trigger anger and aggression towards me.

It was total projection.

These people have crossed serious boundaries. They had no right to triangulate or attempt to control me.

This relative attacked me when I called it out. They called me crazy. They accused me of harassment, and they tried to accuse me of lying about the abuse. They attacked my ability to remember things correctly. Just total gaslighting.

They used my abuser's death to do this. I don't know what they were expecting. Sometimes I think they think I haven't grown up, and haven't developed an identity or an awareness of myself, and how things truly are. I think they think that as long as they're happy and they don't believe it, anything else stating otherwise is a lie.

I think they took advantage of the situation because they were angry at me when I jokingly said I would break ties with them when they attempted to give my address behind my back to my abusive mother. They thought of me as so incorrigible that I deserved to be disrespected, and have my boundaries violated with them handing out my address. They were enraged I said "absolutely not" to them. They painted this situation as if I attacked them. They were expecting I have no boundaries.

These are sick people. They accused me of toxic behavior for talking about the abuse, but they're so incredibly toxic in their actions. No lie, no projection or manipulation is off limits for them to use. They don't come from an honest place.

[Srcyu]

Hello,
I've just found your post and I can see that you've logged out permanently. You could still see this however as a guest. I'm responding because I too am a staunch no contacter. Also, normally no post here would go completely unacknowledged. 

'They can never grasp that what they did was so wrong and offensive.' Or .. maybe they can and choose not to. My primary abuser was also my "mother" and she would pull anyone she could into her triangulation tactics. Usually that would be my oldest sibling. Stonewalling is very common and merely highlights just how low they are willing to go. We're not allowed to be 'angry' in their view, only they are entitled to that emotion which they will ofcourse direct at - us.

They have no right to be in our lives. We are much better off without them. No Contact was one of the best things we ever did.

[Invisiblewoman]

No contact is really necessary if a person cannot hold themselves accountable for their actions and in turn harms your mental health in projecting their behaviour onto you. That is a bonafide reason for no contact. They just cannot pass go, and cannot collect $200.