What would you do in this situation?

[Poison Ivy]

Mom (M) is 95 years old and still lives in her own home. Primary caregiver is my sister (S), who is retired (has a pension) and said she wanted to take care of mom. I have two brothers. One lives out of state. The other lives nearby. In-state brother (B) and I regularly visit M and S but because of job (me) or family obligations (B) do not regularly spend overnights at home of M and S.

M is often difficult personality-wise, and her care needs have been increasing.

B just stopped by my house and told me that while he was on the phone with S the other night, S attacked him and me for not doing more for her and M.

I appreciate that B told me, I'm upset that S feels this way, I feel bad for B that he was the one that S yelled at. But I'm not inclined to talk to her directly about what she said to B. I am inclined to keep visiting regularly and to continue supporting S by listening when she complains to me and helping when she asks directly for help.

What would you do?

[discarded]

I think what you're doing now is good. You heard B out, and feel that offering help to S as best as you possibly can is what you can do.

Offer to take care of the situation if it feels possible, or ask S what they want directly, to take the pressure off B.

They may have selected B to dump their frustration on.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you, discarded.

I am very grateful again that this website exists and that I can vent about things here.

[Cat of the Canals]

I think your instincts are good. If your sister has something to say, she can say it to you -- not play triangulation, flying monkey games. And if she wants help with something, she needs to be specific, otherwise she's just nagging and playing the "woe is me, no one helps me with anything" game. Until she does either of those things, I'd act as if she hadn't said anything.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you, Cat of the Canals.