Financial pressure

[makingmyway]

Hi everyone.  I've waited a very long time to post on this website, though I've been following for years.  I've taken incredibly difficult steps lately in filing for divorce from my PDw.  We've gone through the process of marital therapy and the 2 decades of neglect, verbal abuse, and making me feel invisible in my own house/in front of my kids, were happening again.  I want to keep this semi-brief because I really need some suggestions.  My PDw has had incredible control of our finances, to the extent that I saw my checking account taken from on a regular basis.  I also didn't realize she had kept a credit card account open that only she could see and was paying some bills or other things, that again I couldn't see.  I was also paying a huge sum of money to the card we had opened instead of the one she kept.  All told I was left w/ $187 to my name after paying off the last credit card, which was being added to every day w/ new and unannounced bills.

I took the steps of creating my own checking and credit card that she couldn't see, while also taking my name off joint accounts we had together.  I then filed the paperwork for dissolution of marriage.  This is when she lost all control in what we had termed "co-parenting sessions."  Friday night was a very scary night as I returned home.  Immediately on Saturday she was pushing for me to restore all finances and I am asking anyone who has been in these types of situations to please weigh in.  I am new to the financial side of this after years of learned helplessness told me I was not financially responsible enough to handle the finances.  Does anyone have suggestions for keeping a household financially on-track (and we do have children) while avoiding mixing things back up?  Thus far I have been advised by friends to get all bills sent to the home (which she has typically avoided showing me and gives excuses when I ask) and then pay these as one-time only payments.  I'm less sure how to go about dividing up larger things such as a mortgage or car payment. 

Any help or advise will be helpful.  I hope to post more about myself and my story, but she has put the pressure on and we are supposed to be meeting tomorrow night to discuss.

[square]

Does she earn an income? If so, what percent of the combined income is hers vs yours?

[makingmyway]

She does earn an income.  Accounting for differences she earns approximately $300 bi-weekly less than I do.  I have bonuses through work but those are based on hours I put in.  At this time we are basically the same for at least the next 3 months.

[Poison Ivy]

A system that would work for two people who are relatively responsible with money is the following: Each person has their own checking account into which paychecks are directly deposited. Each person agrees to pay a percentage of family expenses (e.g., mortgage, food, insurance, things for children) that is based on that person's income (e.g., 50-50, 60-40, 55-45).

This system likely will not work well when one person or both people are not responsible with money.

[Rose1]

I would immediately close any credit cards you have jointly. Also not put any money into a joint account or pay any money into any account or credit card she has in her name.
Times like these can quickly ruin your credit rating.

Any joint loans need to be negotiated as part of settlement and please make sure your name is removed from any finance arrangement she retains (ie car) and you retain. A big point of future harassment potential will come from any arrangements made for joint payments. You are likely to be dealing with missed or late payments as a form of control.

If possible if you are going to court get the large items sorted and an order that the financial arrangements be no longer joint made and signed on the day of agreement. For example if you each decide to take a vehicle then the loan must be transferred into her name for hers and do not sign over ownership until she does that. Also be aware that in the meantime insurance issues and speeding fines etc will come to you if your name is still on the vehicle.

With the house it's best if one party buys the other party out. If that is not possible then a sale should be ordered and the proceeds split according to court ordered percentages (may depend on children and child support issues)

The reason for the above is that once divorce proceedings are entered into, finance and credit becomes a control tool. The only way to avoid it is not to play. So for example if she lives in the house and you continue to pay the mortgage, the amount you pay should become part of the settlement to you if and when you sell it. However, what if she damages it and the house loses value?

All these thing happened to DH and the courts didn't really care unless there was contempt of court. His ex did 10000 worth of damage and he was ordered to pay. Hence my advice to separate financial items cleanly as soon as possible.

As far as future financial stuff many people benefit from making a budget - income, expenses and allocating weekly money to cover expenses into a separate account. Don't forget annual items, clothing, school things and some money for entertainment as a cup of coffee with a friend, a movie etc can be excellent distraction. If you are able to make up a spreadsheet or write it into a cash book (news agents have them) it can be a useful tool during court proceedings and yourself to know how much money you can allocate after all costs (include child support if ordered)

Hope this helps. I would try and find out if your wife has assets she intends not to declare ie separate bank account balance, property etc.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I agree 100% with getting some financial advice.  It helps to have someone unemotional to spell it out at.

Again, agree with protecting your private access, etc....

Keep detailed records - what you are paying, etc...

I'm a year out - I am pretty proud of myself overall, some things were missed, but in the big picture, no big deal.

I did seek out advice from my financial advisor which was great.

I'm guessing your wife will get mad and throw a temper tantrum, but she'll move on to something else eventually.

Good Luck

[Lauren17]

Hello and welcome.
Posting here is a huge step!
I was very much in the same situation. My xuNPDh had full control of finances and spent decades telling me I wasn't capable of making financial decisions.
Much of the advice here goes against what my lawyer advised, so I have to echo the advice to get legal counsel. That said, many lawyers don't recognize the differences in dealing with a PD.  I hired a Certified Divorce Financial Advisor who happened to have a mental health background.  Every penny I spent on that was well worth it.  She recognized the situation, explained how the legal and financial process worked and gave suggestions on how to negotiate the finances.  I would strongly recommend looking in to that as well.
Good luck!