Oct 16 2023 - update

StartingHealing · October 16, 2023, 02:49:23 PM

I thought that I would swing by and put an update here since it has been a while. Things are moving very slowly / fast? If that makes any sense. The other side turned down the cash offer of 250, came back with 280, which is outside what the market can stand. It did turn out that one of the other offers was increased to 260, I'm waiting on getting that in so send to the other side.

Personally, I would rather not go to court on this. Yeah, there is a whole legal thing that the other side started and it's currently slated that there is a hearing, in person, on the 26th of this month. Sheesh.

My target remains the same. Freedom and enough seed money to start the next phase of my life.

I even got brave enough to get on social media once again. Doing it with intention this time. I removed myself from all social media due to the former spouses jealousy over the interactions that I was having. At least that was how she was acting. IDK her reasoning except that it had nothing to do with the health and wellbeing of all involved.

Well, things have started to come together in my noggin on the what, where, etc. The why, IDK.

Accepting that the love I felt for her was real, even though it was based on a falsity that she created has been freeing in many ways.

I also am aware of the patterns that I had when I entered the relationship and how those were then used against me. I don't know if I would call her "evil" but definitely not in a healthy place. Could she be influenced by negative forces? Possibly. Again IDK.

I'm not a trained expert nor do I want to be. As long as I can take the lessons learned and apply them going forward I am more than willing to let go of all the emotional "stuff" that I have been packing, even when it means I have an ugly cry twixt the great I AM and myself.

I am also starting to see how my experiences as an adoptee primed things for the relationship that I spent 25 years in.

I bid all the brave souls here, peace and blessings.

Poison Ivy · October 16, 2023, 03:55:17 PM

Thank you for the update.

I'm sure my experiences in my FOO primed things for the relationship in which I spent about 33 years.

StartingHealing · October 17, 2023, 11:14:09 AM

Yeah, I relate to that Poison Ivy,

Sent another offer to the other side. Hope that they will accept it so I can move forward with my next phase of my life away from the exwBPD.

escapingman · October 17, 2023, 11:19:09 AM

SH, good luck to you and well done.

She will accept if she think she is winning or if she is desperate, if she is not desperate she might play the long game. My uNPDxw played the long game, she delayed, delayed, came back with silly counter offers and then suddenly from out of the blue she accepted and wanted every thing to be done as soon as possible. All I can think is that she had a fallout with her mum who she was living with and needed out of there quick.

I am following your story, you are doing great.

StartingHealing · October 17, 2023, 07:32:02 PM

Quote from: escapingman on October 17, 2023, 11:19:09 AMSH, good luck to you and well done.

She will accept if she think she is winning or if she is desperate, if she is not desperate she might play the long game. My uNPDxw played the long game, she delayed, delayed, came back with silly counter offers and then suddenly from out of the blue she accepted and wanted every thing to be done as soon as possible. All I can think is that she had a fallout with her mum who she was living with and needed out of there quick.

I am following your story, you are doing great.

EM, I have been following your updates as well. Lord have mercy, we have both been through a hell of a slog. It seems to me that you are definitely on your way to a much better place.

She accepted the offer for 260K. I received info that she is desperate now. I do feel for her (small amount) because she has placed herself into a pretty deep financial hole. At the same time though she has done it to herself. I'm in the process of the realization that it's not my damned job to save others. Even if as an adult they act like a child.

I have been Journaling on the sister site outofthestorm. I do not know if I have cptsd or ptsd or whatever, but it sure is nice to have a safe space to write whatever is going on in the noggin and have others "get it". I am also realizing just how much damage that I withstood with sanity intact! Feels a bit odd to say this in this manner, however, it is miraculous. I have not been drinking, my nicotine / caffeine consumption is still all over the place. and I have also seen how nicotine was a crutch for me in regards to emotional control maintenance.

square · October 19, 2023, 12:57:07 PM

SH, the acceptance of offer is excellent news. And you sound like you're working through things very insightfully. And I'd like to offer my admiration for managing a time like this without giving in to drinking. I have no doubt you'll wrestle down the nicotine and caffeine when the time is right.

StartingHealing · October 20, 2023, 10:11:45 AM

10-20-23

Closing will happen on or before Nov 9th. I'll have two weeks after closing to get a rental and get moved. Yesterday was a bugger as far as emotional roller coaster. However, the hearing has been vacated, and the buyer has indicated that there may be an opportunity to sell household things to a member or 2 of his crew.

Whew.

I've noticed that there are times in the past where I went passive because I couldn't "see" a pathway forward. Now though, with the courts out of it, I'm regaining a sense of control over my own life. Something that has been sorely lacking for some time. I'm not going to say it was for the entirety of the marriage to the exWBPD, yet, for the majority of it would be a fair assessment.

Wishing all the brave souls here, peace.

StartingHealing · October 27, 2023, 08:59:39 AM

Oh fer pete's sake. LOL Interesting day yesterday. Found out that the exBPD went to the extreme of having the state place a alimony garnishment on my wages. Like really? Fairly certain that her intention was to 1. mess with me. 2. to ensure a regular delivery of the alimony. Well, after doing some digging, usually when I was paying voluntarily it would take on average 5-6 days for the courts to disburse the $ to her.

With the garnishment, the time frame for her to receive the alimony has changed from 5-6 days to up to 2 weeks. There is a different state agency that is involved now. Which changes the dates of disbursement. AND I also found out that the other agency is a lot more lassie-faire when it comes to disbursement up to and including a full month.

It seems to me that she was attempting to create some sort of security (in other words she got into her feelings) and the net result is she has placed herself into a even more variable position.

Because I have healed I now find this to be rather amusing. I mean she did it to herself.

I verified that everything was legitimate with the courts and the person I talked with verbally was wondering why the reasoning behind the garnishment as I have been 100% compliant with the court orders.

I'll be exploring the options I have going forward after the sale of the marital residence is completed, I'm in a rental, and things are settled after the move, setting up a new residence, etc. IDK, at this time I may leave it as is, or I may see what the process would involve as far as getting the garnishment removed, and then in May next year that is when the window opens for me to file a motion to have the alimony modified.

Wishing all here, all the best.

escapingman · October 27, 2023, 12:21:43 PM

That is great SH that you can laugh at her and what she does. I can se my uNPDxw for what she is and she is pure amusement as well, was it not for her holding DD2 as hostage I could see the really funny side of it all.

Well done SH.

square · October 29, 2023, 04:10:08 PM

SMDH

StartingHealing · November 03, 2023, 08:03:49 PM

Another update.

What is the saying? When it rains it pours? I spoke with a person today that shared some interesting news. Well, the exwBPD with pushing the garnishment caused the social safety net division of the local state government to take a look at her finances. It apparently was deemed that an downward adjustment to her monthly allotment of food stamps was necessary. It is my understanding that the adjustment was somewhere in the 40-50$ range. SMH.

It was also revealed to me that the exwBPD has put her vehicle into hock, there is / was a collateral recovery agency looking for her and I have been contacted by several collection agencies that are trying to find her for payments on credit cards. Not to mention that at the final hearing for the divorce, according to her financial statements at that time she was 26K in debt on 1 credit card.

I've been wondering how I should feel about all this. And I'm getting to the point of indifference. She did it to herself.

Wishing all here all the best.

StartingHealing · November 04, 2023, 08:22:17 AM

Closing in a few days, still reducing and packing.

Ever have one of those conversations with someone that has remained neutral in everything? I did a few days ago. I would like to think that they got a clearer picture of the extent that the exwBPD will go to in maintaining her victim status.

For instance, the garnishment was not in final orders, yet they told this person it was. According to the court, paperwork was filed by her to put that in place. SMH. As a result of that, her food assistance was reduced by 40-50 a month. As that particular agency is very particular in following the guidelines.

She also claimed that the alimony is taxable income for her. Like what? There is no federal or state level taxes on that. Used to be that alimony paid could be taken as a deduction from taxes (at least in the US) but they removed that a couple of years ago.

Then there is a collateral recovery agency looking for her, credit card companies looking for her, and supposedly she took a vehicle title loan against the paid off vehicle.

I wonder if she'll ever get a job to help support herself.

I will admit that there is still healing that I need to do. However, I don't care any more. I've gotten to the place of being indifferent. Yeah, it's not a good situation but hellfire, she did it to herself.

Peace

square · November 07, 2023, 12:38:51 PM

It's just hard for me to understand why some people choose the hard way every time.

You could just pay your bills, spend within your means, be honest, solve your problems. Or you could always be on the edge of disaster, shoot yourself in the foot to punish another, never know how you're going to dig yourself out of the hole you're in - and yet keep digging.

Sigh.

moglow · November 07, 2023, 01:15:07 PM

When you can, consider asking well meaning people sharing her updates, to not. None of that is your stuff and only gums up your own much needed headspace. I can see where there might even be a somewhat gleeful "so there!" aspect to it all, but at the end of the day they're still getting info from her so how true is it anyway? It could simply be bait with just enough kernel of truth to muddy the waters and keep you somewhat engaged. Still.

StartingHealing · November 09, 2023, 04:23:39 PM

square: Nah, never happen. the exwBPD is clueless about money, how it works, etc.

moglow: I see your point. Most of what I know has come from emails, phone calls, etc outside of that source. And the person and I don't communicate on the regular anyway. Maybe 2 or 3 times a year at best. I mean, the dude is the kid that she relinquished for adoption. Being a adoptee myself.. so it's complicated at the moment. I will decide if I will allow the communication to continue. Doesn't have to be today. Today I received news that the closing of the marital residence went through!!! Already have a day scheduled to go see rentals on Sat, and then go from there.

losingmyself · November 14, 2023, 03:26:09 PM

Congratulations on the sale of the house! Hopefully you saw some good places this weekend. I got good news today, next week I will go sign papers at the bank, and my house will be mine again!!
Where we live is so much of who we are, isn't it? I'm loving making my house my home and no one else's! I wish the same to you!

StartingHealing · November 14, 2023, 03:53:51 PM

Quote from: losingmyself on November 14, 2023, 03:26:09 PMCongratulations on the sale of the house! Hopefully you saw some good places this weekend. I got good news today, next week I will go sign papers at the bank, and my house will be mine again!!
Where we live is so much of who we are, isn't it? I'm loving making my house my home and no one else's! I wish the same to you!

Did find 3 that are good. 1 in particular. Had good vibes for lack of a better term. Congrats on getting your house back!

Wishing you all the best