Holilday trouble

[walking on broken glass]

Hello everyone,

I haven't logged in for a while. Things have been relatively quiet, but with the Christmas holidays approaching this didn't last long.

So both I and BPD sis live abroad, in different countries (I live in Europe, and so do my parents; she lives in Asia). She hasn't returned home to see our parents for the past 4 years and I suspect this might have something to do with me and my partner visiting together: she likes having the monopoly, and she would be super awkward with him. She has never met him in person. This year we decided to go to my parents' for Christmas and come back here for New Year's, and booked the tickets early before they get really expensive. I didn't tell my parents because they are very controlling and intruding, and every time I tell them when we booked in advance, they always complain about not staying with them very long etc. Sis hadn't shared her plans, and I assumed she would not come, as she always says she has to work and she has no leave, boss is strict etc. So I was talking to my mum the other day and she asked whether we are going for Xmas, I said yes, she asked if we booked tickets, I said not yet (lying) and then she said your sister booked to come, she will arrive on the 27. This is the date we booked to leave! I realized that if I keep the pretense that we hadn't booked tickets, and then I tell them we booked to leave on the 27 they will think I did it on purpose, so I came clean and said 'listen, to tell you the truth we have booked the tickets but I did not want to tell you because you always get upset. It so happens that we booked to leave on the 27 but I am telling you now so that you don't get ideas that this was done on purpose to avoid my sister.' They were furious of course. They said why didn't you talk to your sis before booking? I said why didn't she talk to me before booking? They said well she is always available, you are the one that avoids her, and you know her schedule is very tight and this was the only date she could manage. I said, well, I am sorry, it is just very bad timing, and they said you should change your tickets to stay at least one more day to see her. I said no, this is going to cost a lot of money and cause trouble, and they got even more furious saying they will give me the money for the tickets and this is ridiculous, I haven't seen her in 4 years, and so on, so forth. They said why can't you stay for New Year's, I said we can't. We ended the conversation with me saying "I will think about this and see what we can do" without making any promises.

I wouldn't mind seeing my sister; it's not like I would take measures to actively avoid her, but I am not very sad either that it worked this way. I also don't want to twist myself in a knot, as I always do to suit her schedule. To me, the fact that noone thought to check beforehand about the dates is pretty indicative of our relationship, which will not be fixed by me prolonging my stay. This is just for the parents' sake, so as to play the happy family. I don't want to do that.

My partner suggested we play along and last minute we find an excuse and cancel the trip. I wasn't very keen to go anyway, but I feel bad for my parents whose health has not been great recently. I am also supposed to go there this Saturday and stay for 2 weeks, because my mum is having a hip replacement surgery. I now dread the trip because of this. I am not sure what to do. Part of me wants to stick to my guns and keep to the original plan. Another part is just so mentally exhausted that does not want to deal with any of it, and want to stay home (I mean for Xmas, I will have to go for the surgery). It is tricky.

[moglow]

That you're mentally exhausted by it two months ahead of time is telling. Contrary to your parents' thoughts, you don't have to explain your relationship with your sister or to explain and justify your travel plans. I'm fairly sure there's time for all that, not even considering the two weeks you'll spend following mom's surgery.

However controlling and intruding they may be, you CAN decline to discuss it for the umpteenth time. Let them rant while you make noncommittal totally gray rock responses as needed. You can listen them off their ledge and keep on keeping on. You can even tell them, look enough is enough with this. She and I didn't even consider checking with each other on travel dates, same as every other year. You can also "THIS. this right here is why I hadn't said anything, all the complaints and whys and you shoulds. Now I wish I hadn't said anything at all." What are they going to do, get mad because you spoke the truth? Well.

Thing is, if she hasn't seen them in four years either, there's a reason: She chose not to. At the end of the day you're still not obligated to change your plans because she decided this year she's coming. Maybe consider stating the obvious: That horse is dead and them continuing this way isn't making a Christmas visit any more appealing.

[Cat of the Canals]

This is me, but the second they started playing the blame game and complaining about what dates you will/won't be there, I would have cancelled the trip. They are trying to make you out to be the bad guy because you are *checks notes* spending a lot of time, energy, and money to visit them???? And now everything must be rearranged to suit their and your sister's preferences? And not because it will actually mean anything to them but because of how it will look?

It took me far too long to prioritize my own wants (not to mention my health and sanity) around the holidays. To spend time doing what I want with who I want and to stop catering to endlessly selfish family members... who never appreciate the efforts I made to keep them appeased in the first place, by the way.

Ask yourself this: if you rearrange everything so that everyone is "happy" (except for you and your partner, ironically), do you think they'll be grateful? Do you think they'll express one iota of thanks? Or are they going to find something you've done wrong, some way you've disappointed them? Now ask yourself why you are expending so much effort to please people who go out of their way to find fault.

[moglow]

  You always have the option of quietly cancelling flights and refusing to say anything further, other than "I'm sorry but we'll be unable to make it for Christmas this year after all." No further discussion, and cut off the complaints with "well look at the time. I have an appointment so we'll have to talk some other time." Lather rinse repeat - while you and partner plan a nice getaway together for the holidays. After two weeks of hearing it, you may see this as a nice soft place for everyone to land.

[Call Me Cordelia]

  

You've been given a preview of coming... well, "attractions" is exactly the opposite of what's here. Believe that.

As for the two week nursing visit... whoooo boy. I don't envy you that. "DH and I will let you know about Christmas after I'm home again. I am here with you right now, taking care of you after surgery," on broken record is the only way I can think of managing that. There is the possibility of going on good behavior in order to manipulate you, of course. Since you are, you know, playing the role of good daughter. But that seems likely to be completely erased by the Christmas drama.

Lol at Cat *checking notes*. What a succinct way of expressing that you are sticking with reality, here. There's no plausible way that you are a bad daughter here. Except in PD land where twisted feelings are facts, of course. If you felt you couldn't be up front about your plans, now you know why. Of course you already did.

"They said well she is always available, you are the one that avoids her, and you know her schedule is very tight and this was the only date she could manage."

She is always available but her schedule is very tight? You avoid her by... not flying to Asia? Not assuming she would be there at Christmas despite past behavior? This smells like word salad, throwing whatever they can think of to say to press those guilt and shame buttons to gain your compliance. Her time is valuable but you should just stay another week? That's crap, and I'm angry for you.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you so much for your responses. They help me greatly achieve some clarity about the situation.

There hasn't been any more discussion on the subject so far. Sis sent me a message on the day she booked the tickets but did not mention booking / planning to book the tickets. She knew that we had done some work on our bathroom so she asked me about that and I sent her some pics. Then the ticket conversation with my parents took place, and I am certain they talked to her after that, because they talk on skype every single day for hours. So she is aware that we have booked our tickets and we won't see her, but she didn't send me anything and she didn't comment on the pictures I sent her either (well, this is not surprising since she does not care a bit about my life, unless it gives her grounds for malicious comments). I was considering whether I should write to her and say 'mum told me you arrive when we leave, it's a shame we won't coincide but we booked our tickets a while ago' but I really don't want to do that. Is this childish? I am thinking she did not acknowledge the situation so why should I?

I know that the topic will come up many times in my upcoming visit there, and I will be forced to talk to her while I am there because she is skyping them all the time, and it is hard to always have an excuse to leave. I can already imagine it and it will be awful. But I have decided to stand up for myself and not allow them to bully me. I am worried that if I start speaking my truth, a lot will come out and I don't want to upset my mum during a difficult time for her. But equally, I can't just sit back and let them accuse me of all sorts of things. It is a difficult balance to achieve.

I will wait until Christmas to see how I feel about going then. I know that to a sane, normal person it doesn't sound like it is a big deal to say 'sorry we can't come because our plans have changed' but this will cause a complete meltdown in my family. Where I come from families are culturally very important, and I am already the 'black sheep' for being different about that. I honestly cannot imagine myself saying 'sorry, we can't come' because it won't just be accepted but will be followed by millions of questions and the drama will be unbearable. If we don't go, I need to find a good excuse. I could always say that we won't come because it will be unpleasant but that means open war. Not sure if I am ready for that.

[walking on broken glass]

Update: sis now messaged me again, after I had sent her photos of the bathroom on Sunday. She is asking 'what was the old bathroom like?' with no comment on the pics or the holidays. Not sure how to reply...

[Cat of the Canals]

I was considering whether I should write to her and say 'mum told me you arrive when we leave, it's a shame we won't coincide but we booked our tickets a while ago' but I really don't want to do that. Is this childish? I am thinking she did not acknowledge the situation so why should I?

Take a look at the Toolbox section and read up on "JADE" if you're not already familiar with it: https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

I wouldn't discuss it with your sister for the reasons outline in the JADE guide, but there's another reason, too. Subtext.

"one of the more valuable things I've learned in life as a survivor of a mentally unstable parent is that it is likely that no one has thought through it as much as you have.

no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation.

no, your brother didn't realize his music was that loud while you were studying.

no, your bff or S.O. doesn't remember that you're on a tight deadline right now.

no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now.

a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail.

We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weight....it's all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age.

Here's the thing: most people don't do that.

I'm not saying everyone else is oblivious, I'm saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse.

I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext.

This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether it's really there or just me over-reading things that actually don't mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weight...that's toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships.

The best thing I ever did for myself and my relationships was insist upon frank communication and a categorical denial of subtext.

For some people this is a moral stance.

For survivors of mentally unstable parents this is a requirement of recovery."

(Source: https://www.tumblr.com/i-thesadtruth/644699152400498688/geekdawson-one-of-the-more-valuable-things-ive)

If your sister wants to discuss the trip or your relationship, then she needs to use her words. Don't do the dirty work for her and start offering up excuses when she hasn't bothered to bring it up herself. And if she does bring it up, YOU get to decide if you even want to talk about it.

I know that to a sane, normal person it doesn't sound like it is a big deal to say 'sorry we can't come because our plans have changed' but this will cause a complete meltdown in my family.

I'm not sane or normal, thanks to my FOO, and I know the panic-inducing feeling of even imagining having to say "no." The first time someone here told me, "You don't have to let your PD family member stay in your home or even visit at all..." this was me:  WTF were they even talking about? Of COURSE I have to let them visit and of COURSE I have to let them stay in my house! But a funny thing happened after I let the idea sink in for a while. "Maybe I can say no." You may not be ready now. This may be too big a step too quickly. That's OK. But give it a chance to simmer in the back of your mind, and the next time this comes up, you might discover that it seems a little less daunting.

And if and when you get to that point, one of the things you have to embrace is that their response and their behavior is on them. You are still talking like you can manage their behavior by never rocking the boat. This is one of the the biggest PD traps and what I was trying to highlight when I pointed out that you are being incredibly generous with your time and they are still complaining and causing drama. They've designed a hamster wheel of "approval seeking." Nothing you do is ever enough. You try harder to please, only to find that it's still not enough. Maybe if you _______, they'd finally be happy. Still no. Rinse and repeat.

They aren't going to stop the wheel. It's jump or keep running.

[walking on broken glass]

Cat, your message brought tears to my eyes. You are so spot on in everything you say. Thank you so much.
It's funny, when I think I have made big strides in dealing with family, I realize there is still so much in me that leaves me trapped and confused. I keep trying to remind myself that they can't make me do anything and that I am free. I wish I were truly free though.

[Leonor]

 

And also ...

 



There is a difference between a close-knit, even "clannish," family, and a dysfunctional family. Cultural norms may be different. Expectations may be different. But dysfunction is dysfunction no matter where you live in the world.

"Whether or not we celebrate Christmas on December 25 or January 6" is a cultural difference.

"Whether senior citizens plan to retire to a community somewhere sunny and warm or dedicate their retirement to their grandchildren's care" is a cultural difference.

"Whether children move out of their parents' house at 18-21 or 29-30" is a cultural difference.

Believe me, as an American in Europe, a lot of those differences seem ripe for dysfunction to me! But my own "normal," to my fellow country people, seems weird, if not heartless.

But this silent code of manipulation, where up is down and black is white, and your desperate, exhausting attempts to manipulate them back into some kind of civility, or at least predictability, is dysfunction. Because you are being manipulative: making secret plans, sending strategic texts, passive aggressively communicating. It's from a very understandable place, but you are in the dysfunction, too.

I am someone who used to have actual panic attacks when I even thought about not arriving bright and on time, with presents perfectly press-wrapped and bows un-crinkled, to polish silver and set my mother's Christmas table. And, when that fantasy crumbled, fell into depressions when thinking that I wouldn't have a warm, comfy, hostess with the mostess holiday with my in-laws.

And it never, ever, ever worked. Something always went horribly south, because when you're dealing with disordered people, they are hell bent on grabbing the wheel and hurling you and your little plated hors d'oeuvre right off the highway and over the rail. You can hang onto the wheel until your knuckles are white, but you cannot beat them at their own game. They will not sit and play nice.

You say you're not ready for all out war, but you're living in a minefield. You know those big outfits the soldiers in charge of defusing mines wear? With the big helmet and puffy bulletproof sleeves and pants? You need to get yourself one of those. Or even better, a witch costume
A Glenda the Good costume, with sparkly tulle and tiara and magic wand. Good news! They're in invisible, free, and you already have one in your closet! Try this one on for size:

1. Your house is your house. No one lives there but you. No one has to know what it looks like inside or what happens there. Stop offering up your sacred space to your parents and sister. No pictures. No texts. No updates. Not for small talk. Not as an olive branch. Not in answer to seemingly polite questions. Period.

2. You and dh are a team. Where you go, he goes. He's your reality tester. No meals, no visits, and certainly no overnight stays of any kind without dh. When he says, "this isn't working," you two leave. No room for two? You stay in a hotel. Dh has to work? Sorry, we can't make it after all. If you can't do it for you, do it for him. Because he's paying the price for your inability to say no to your parents. These are the holiday memories you're making for him, for the two of you.

3. Practice your no. You don't have to ring up old Mom and say, "hey guess what, lady? No!" But there are a million little no's you can practice along the way. No, I don't want anything to eat, I'm fine. No, I'm just going to go to my room and read a book. No, I haven't heard from Sister. No, that's not what the doctor said.

It looks lovely on you!

[Cat of the Canals]

Cat, your message brought tears to my eyes. You are so spot on in everything you say. Thank you so much.
It's funny, when I think I have made big strides in dealing with family, I realize there is still so much in me that leaves me trapped and confused. I keep trying to remind myself that they can't make me do anything and that I am free. I wish I were truly free though.

No thanks necessary. And I'd be much better off if I was half as good at taking my own advice as I am at giving it, lol. I have gotten better at saying no, but I will stress about it for days (or weeks) before and after. I try to be gentle and patient with myself, because after all, I am trying to unlearn decades of conditioning. Baby steps are better than nothing. Mistakes aren't the end of the world. Perfection is an illusion.

Have you read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents? Because the family dynamic here sounds like more than just your sister.

[walking on broken glass]

I did read the book a while ago, when I was first educating myself about the situation. You are absolutely right Cat that it is not just my sis - parents have created the dynamic and enabled sis all those years. They have their own issues too.

I have been playing out in my head various dialogues and all the responses I could give so as to be prepared, not JADE and not lose my temper. It is very stressful and exhausting. They talk to sis every single day which means, being in the same flat, I will have to find excuses to avoid her every single day. I haven't been alone with them in their flat for many years and the memories of how it was are coming back to haunt me. They used to call sis on Skype when we were all having lunch, and she would be there on camera throughout. It made me want to scream. I know that it is different now because I am different, I know I have choices and they can't force me do stuff that I don't want to do. Still it's hard to block the thoughts 'what if x happens? How do I react?'
I wish I didn't have to go. But two weeks. I can survive.

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks, Leonor!
The funny thing is that my partner comes from an abusive family and he is even more averse to confrontation and prone to pleasing than I am! When the ticket situation unfolded he wanted to change the tickets for us to stay longer. It is convenient that he doesn't speak my parents' language so they can't really communicate with him beyond basic stuff, so when we are together I can avoid difficult conversations. He is my shield!

[Cat of the Canals]

They talk to sis every single day which means, being in the same flat, I will have to find excuses to avoid her every single day. I haven't been alone with them in their flat for many years and the memories of how it was are coming back to haunt me.

Have you considered not staying with them? I know this might be another "I could never!" scenario, but I'm throwing it out there so it will be ready for next time or the time after, if not this time.

I think 90% of the battle of establishing good boundaries is recognizing how many of the things we think we can't ask for because they are too rude/harsh/will offend are actually totally reasonable and fair. There is nothing unreasonable or unfair about not wanting to stay in your parents' home.

[lkdrymom]

If your parents start in on you about Christmas I would say the following "If you aren't happy with the plans we have in place we will just cancel the entire trip. Would you prefer that? These are your only two choices"

[walking on broken glass]

It won't be possible not to stay with them this time because I am going there to help my mum after her hip replacement surgery and I will need to be around. But if we do go for Christmas we won't stay with them for sure!

[walking on broken glass]

If your parents start in on you about Christmas I would say the following "If you aren't happy with the plans we have in place we will just cancel the entire trip. Would you prefer that? These are your only two choices"

 
I should practise saying this!

[Leonor]

Ok, deep breath, close eyes, clutch pearls ...

It is possible to stay elsewhere.

You do not need to be there.

Now, you may not be willing or ready to stay elsewhere.

That's ok.

But the possibility exists.

"I could stay in a hotel. I could arrange for in-home help. I could speak to a temporary care facility.  I could simply say I wish you well, I'll visit for a day to see you. I'll call in every few days to see how things are going."

All of those things, and more, are possible.

That gives you freedom to choose: "I could stay in a hotel, but I am not willing to endure the feelings of guilt. I could arrange for a temporary rehab, but I am not willing to experience the anxiety over financial ramifications. I could say I'll just call instead of visit, but I'm not willing to relinquish my role as the Good Daughter."

Nothing, on the outside, has to change. It's an internal shift. It's empowering. You can sleep on a rug in the floor next to her bed, but if you know that you do have options, and you choose this one, for whatever the reason- and they are all good enough, valid reasons!- what a gift to give yourself.

[walking on broken glass]

You are right, Leonor! I think being actually in the same flat makes me think of the other options I could have taken. I guess this is something to consider for the future.

Dad brought up the tickets the first night I arrived. I said we are bir changing them. He asked why, what do you have to do, and I said we have made our plans. We are not changing them. And I said my sis hasn't said nothing to me about her plans so that's all coming from you. She booked her tickets, I booked my tickets, nothing more to discuss here. He said she couldn't tell you about her tickets because you are hard to find. I said oh really because she was actually messaging me on WhatsApp about unrelated stuff the day she booked. And the day after. No response.

I talked to sis today too. She was her usual infuriating self. She said 'well I am not too bothered I won't see you because the flat is small and I want my peace and quiet. It would be nice if you stayed for an extra day but after that it would be too much'. I said great then. And then she said 'I told mum though that she should ask you when you plan to visit because this is their place and you can't be treating it like a hotel'. I completely ignored that one. She also pretended I didn't come here to help mum but to 'get some good weather'. Classic

She asked if we would talk tomorrow and I said to her that signal is bad in the hospital and that I have no WiFi. I will let my dad deal with her s***t from home.

Now I just have to avoid her and survive for the next 10 days. And not let dad manipulate and control me. Sigh

[Cat of the Canals]

And then she said 'I told mum though that she should ask you when you plan to visit because this is their place and you can't be treating it like a hotel'.

Oh lord. Insert the hardest of eyerolls here. If anyone is treating it like it a hotel, it's her, with dictating who she's willing to share a space with and for how long. The nerve.

Sending you all the strength and gray rock to get through this.