Holilday trouble

[walking on broken glass]

Mum went in for surgery today and everything went fine. I was with her in the hospital room and sister called to talk to her. My mum managed to talk for two minutes, them sis talked to me and said 'so everything went well? Nothing went wrong? No problems at all?' Way to go positive 
Then she asked when I'd be home so that we talk and I said I don't know, I'll stay a bit longer, we'll talk at some point and hung up.
I will have to keep doing that every day 

[walking on broken glass]

So things have evolved in unexpected ways the past few days. I tested positive for COVID and had to change plans and hurry back home to protect my mum and dad. I am very stressed that I might have passed it on to them already and very sad I had to leave without being able to offer as much help as I wanted. And of course unwell because of COVID. My sister has been trying to talk to me ever since she found out and I have refused to talk to her, which made her even more persistent. This morning she messaged me again trying to initiate a conversation. I am going to stick to my guns and avoid her. She's been her usual awful self, talking to my mum non stop after coming back home from surgery, not letting her rest one bit. Mum has never put any boundaries whatsoever and their relationship is very codependent. They expect me to be the same, just jump when sis calls but this is not happening. I am so fed up with her

[Cat of the Canals]

God forbid she let you or your mother have some time to recuperate. Sheesh.

[walking on broken glass]

No such luck! My mum has now tested positive for COVID and she is not feeling great. My dad is isolating and hoping he escaped. My mum's sister went there to help. Meanwhile my sister keeps messaging me and calling me, even though I said I am tired and want to rest. 'I just want to see if you are ok'. Arrrgh

[Leonor]

I am so sorry that you and your mother are sick with COVID. I hope you feel better soon!

It seems like your mom has other resources, after all.


Mute your phone!

[walking on broken glass]

I talked to my dad yesterday and he brought up my sister, and how stressed she is about the whole situation and that she wanted to talk to me and did I talk to her? I said no and he said something sarcastic about my attitude to the family. I said really? This is unfair, to say the least, after what I just did for the family. He said I was just referring to one member of the family, your sister. Then we had a long talk about my sis. I told him he is not allowed to tell me what my relationship with my sis should be, that they have been blind to the problems and they never saw or tried to understand my perspective; that I don't expect them to understand or agree, just to accept the situation and stop pestering me about it. I said I have tried long and hard to have a relationship with my sister but the effort was only on my side, and it has been detrimental to my mental health, so the best I can do is keep my distance. He tried to get me to talk about past incidents and 'explain' the problems but I refused to go down this rabbit hole, and said if you wanted to see the problem you would have seen it all these years. It is not a matter of 'explaining'. The irony is that while he was trying to get me to be in more regular contact with my sis, at the same time he was admitting he doesn't want to talk to her very often and that she has been nasty to him many times. I said because you put up with this it doesn't mean I have to; and that I am not a therapist and if he is troubled by this he should talk to a therapist, and the same goes for my sister.

It felt good to return a load that they have been burdening me with for years and say it's not mine. I did warn him that if he keeps doing this my relationship with them will be affected, so if he comes back to it I can refuse to talk and hang up.

[walking on broken glass]

P.S. Definitely muting my sister. She is all over me using her 'concern' for me as a pretext to pester me. She even got my mum to call me while on Skype with her, so that I talk to her through mum.

[moglow]

Terse text suggestion: I'm not well, sister, as I mentioned before. I appreciate your concern but I'm trying to rest and get through as best I can. I'll talk to you some other time. (Then turn off notifiers if not outright block her phone.)

[walking on broken glass]

My dad now also tested positive. My sister texted me to tell me and of course try to lure me into a conversation. I ignored her and just called my dad. I hope he will be ok

[moglow]

People get the covid at a wide variety of levels, some relatively minor while others can be more severe - it's a complete crap shoot who has what experience, so you deal with whatever you have as it appears. Being stressed is likely to make your own harder to deal with, less likely to get the rest and strength you need to deal with symptoms and recuperate.

Try and keep telling yourself: You didn't cause this. You can't control it. You can't change it. You can only change yourself and your responses to it. You don't *want* or need to talk to her every day, that hasn't changed for you. For that matter, sounds like same goes for the parents. You grew up, left home and built your own life - that's what adults do. It doesn't mean you have to cut everyone else off, but neither does your life revolve around them and their stuff. She *chooses* to engage mom and dad multiple times every day. Grand, she can do that.

[Cat of the Canals]

The irony is that while he was trying to get me to be in more regular contact with my sis, at the same time he was admitting he doesn't want to talk to her very often and that she has been nasty to him many times.

Ahhh, there it is. He wants a break from her nonsense and the only solution he can come up with is pawning her off onto someone else for a while.

You get a standing ovation from me. You handled that really well, especially considering you're sick and probably feeling pretty awful!

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks so much, Cat, and everyone!
Moglow, I followed your advice today. Sis texted me using her concern about my dad's and my health as a pretext, and I replied saying that last night dad was ok, I am better but still ill and I can't talk because I need peace and quiet. She then replied again completely disregarding what I had just said: 'aunt seems to have everything under control. Look at the bright side: they won't worry about COVID over Christmas'. I ignored the message. If she messages again tomorrow, I will block her.

[moglow]

Her "bright side" comment is baffling to me - we're SICK, leave me the hell alone!! And yes, block her if need be. When you get the inevitable complaints, you told her you were sick and needed rest and recuperation and she wouldn't leave you alone. Not sure how much clearer you can be here.

I'm curious, how often was she contacting you before all this Christmas visit talk? Hoping you can fall back off her radar sooner rather than later!

[walking on broken glass]

We would have a video call on holidays and special occasions, like birthdays, and she would message (but no call) maybe once a month or even less frequently. She is just using the family situation as an excuse to pester me and violate those boundaries! Her response shows me that she doesn't really listen to what I say. I fear she will be messaging again. I spoke to my mum just now and she said 'your sister was looking for you but she said you couldn't talk' and I said yes, that's right and shut down the conversation.

[walking on broken glass]

My dad is unfortunately still struggling with covid and is terrified that he is going to die. He keeps saying to my mum that he is going to die, but my mum has her own health to worry about and cannot support him in this phase. She is the one that needs more support! I talk to my mum every day and I suggested that they talk to the doctor about my dad's physical health as well as a psychiatrist about his mental health. I can't do much else. Of course, my sister thrives in all this. I ignored her last messages but today she messaged AGAIN trying to engage me in a conversation about dad. I will ignore that too but she doesn't seem to get the message. I don't want to engage in direct conflict with her, so I alternate between no response/thumbs up/very short responses, and hoping she will leave me alone. I realize that she is also worried but she has to deal with those feelings on her own. I can't provide a stage for her performance.

[walking on broken glass]

More updates: dad will have to go into hospital because he needs to take antibiotics intravenously. He had to that before and he got better after. But he is scared and keeps saying he won't come out alive. He messaged me to ask me to go back to be with my mum because she will be on her own. (He also said not to tell my mum because she would be mad if she knew what he said). I don't want to do that. I barely just recovered from the last trip and COVID, and I have tons of work to do. My mum is mobile and my aunt and uncle are just downstairs. My aunt said she can stay with my mum if she wants to, but at any rate she is cooking and taking care of the practicalities. My mum's sister also offered to help. I understand that they would feel better if I went, but I can't face it at this point. If things change, I will consider it. I am trying not to feel guilty but my dad is very good at making me feel guilty. Pfff

[moglow]

An old friend used to say, a hoover doesn't work if we don't plug it in. I see guilt trips a lot the same way - we have to buy into it for it to go anywhere. Being at somewhat of a remove helps - you had to plan ahead to be there for her surgery then you got sick too. Reality is right now is not a great time for you to try and be gone again. Plus mom has help right there now, and cough cough you're still not 100% yourself. Which I'd bet you're not so no little white lies needed.

I would imagine he won't listen so why try to explain. You understand his concerns and you still can't be there right now. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

"I don't want to do that."

You can just stop right there. You have excellent reasons why you don't want to do that, and your father really does not need you. Their needs are being met. You need to take care of your own stuff. Your life is more important. There is no reason in the world for you to feel guilty or for you to continue to sacrifice your own life and peace so they can feel a little better about their stuff for a tiny little while. The end.

And that "I feel like I'm going to die," guilt trip routine ending with, "But don't tell your mother I said anything"? Absolutely classic. Neither of them are willing to face their own feelings themselves, are they? It seems like your whole immediate family piles the burden on you. Mom, dad, and sister. You are starting to no longer take it on. Good for you, and keep going!

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you both so much. You help me put things into perspective. I know this is the reality but it is easy to forget with all the drama and pressure.

[walking on broken glass]

Sister just sent me another message, completely out of tune with what has been going on. She said "my company is having a party on a cruise ship this Sunday, I hope the food will be nice". For some reason this pushed me over the edge and I blocked her. It wasn't rude or anything, but I can't put up with her games and warped sense of reality at this point.