Stronger in the New Me

[Hopeful Spine]

Today is my birthday.  I'm taking stock and am mostly happy with what I see.  In recent years I've been sad on my birthday.  No children and considering this is my 49th birthday, I am finding acceptance with the knowledge that the only way I'll be a mother at this point is through extraordinary measures.  Measure that I won't pursue.  I KNOW my life is important but sometimes I FEEL like it's not due to my lack of family.

Last week I decided to redecorate a room.  I pinned tons of pictures of rooms that I "wished" I had.  I finally decided that I should try.  My husband was leaving for a few days so I cleared it with him.  We agreed on a budget and he told me to do whatever I wished.  Still, I found myself sinking into a funk.  I really had to work hard to talk myself through this whole thing.

It didn't make sense.  I had great design ideas that were totally do able (just a lot of work).  I had free range because my husband doesn't care one bit about surroundings.  I had plenty of money.  And I had a chunk of time that would be completely uninterrupted.  The only thing holding me back . . . was me. 

I felt guilty buying rugs and curtains - but I told myself that these are normal purchases people make to create a nice home.  Even my parents spend good money on these things.

I felt excessive for also buying other things, like lamps and bookends, that I didn't technically "need" - but I reminded myself that in the last 16 years I'd spent almost nothing on home furnishings.  It's completely okay to purchase nice things at reasonable prices.

I hesitated on picking an untraditional color - but I told myself that I loved it.  That husband wouldn't care.  That it's only wall color and I don't have to be practical.  I can live with it for a year and if I hate it I can repaint.

I felt hopeless.  I'm almost 50 and when I die it won't matter if I had a nice home or not.  Why bother with the money and hassle?  But I pointed out to myself that my shabby room just felt sad.  That I don't entertain because it's not comfortable or clean looking.  Making this effort WILL make me happier when I'm alone in my home.  It will also give me confidence to entertain.

So I purchased things.  I gathered my supplies.  I drank almost a full cup of coffee while staring at the empty room.  And then I painted.  And scrubbed, and found myself getting calmer, happier, and even excited.

The expensive cleaner DID brighten my dingy floors and I happily scrubbed.

The paint IS so very pretty.  I love it.

The new things I purchased make my vintage and cast off finds (that I actually love) look styled and nice - instead of shabby and sad.

I even learned a lesson in my process. 

I really wanted to have that gratifying feeling of new paint so I skipped the step of painting the ceiling.  Even though I knew that was not the correct way to do it - I decided that I'd do the ceiling after painting the walls.  Well, my friends, don't ever do that.  It's a nightmare to keep the walls nice.  I had to edge up the walls again after the ceiling paint dried.  It was very frustrating.  It made me think of different things in my life. 

So often I want to get to the good part.  I allow myself to get there without putting in the work.  Perfect marriage?  Great friends?  Awesome job?  I've "faked it until I made it".  And then had to backpedal to to make it so.  It's a hard, hurtful and time consuming going backwards. It's frustrating to correct life mistakes without any experience or footing.

For instance, I wanted a perfect marriage.  I married someone that sparked me.  Even if he had substance abuse problems.  I told myself I'd help him while enjoying the good parts of him that made me happy (fun person, confident, family oriented).  But I found myself in a situation where I was babysitting a man I no longer respected, while dealing with a whole collection of dysfunctional family members.  Life looked good when we dressed up and went out, but we were a mess at home.

I laughed as I corrected that damn ceiling.  Had I made myself do the boring, and more difficult, job of painting the ceiling first - that wall color would have been so much more satisfying.  And way less work.  The difficult parts would be done and I'd be happier.  Instead I was moving heavy furniture back and forth again, climbing up the ladder a lot more times.  I was using extra paint and getting way off track with my plans.

Had I done the work of therapy and created good boundaries I might have saved myself a lot of pain in my marriage.  And succeeded much more quickly.

My home renovation lesson taught me that anytime I am painting a whole room - I MUST paint the ceiling first.  No exceptions. 

My relationship experience has taught me to first see people who they are.  Get to know them.  And only then should I proceed to a relationship and friendship.

Yesterday I applied that lesson to a new friendship. 

I made plans to do something with a person I've known for a awhile.  We live very different lives (she has 3 children, an excessively beautiful home, lots of money to vacation with and pursue expensive hobbies).  But we share a common interest and we decided to make plans.  It turns out that she is a great person.  She loves her life, makes fast decisions and also happens to be generous with her time and money.  She had a messy childhood and shared a lot with me in the 2 hours we were in the car. 

But.  She is sort of judgey.  In a way that I kind of accepted because I can be judgmental too.  I think many people are and I found it refreshing that she was honest.  Another flag was that she gossiped about mutual people we know.  Once she asked me a question and I felt like she was baiting me to talk about a person.  I saw a bit of my old self in her.  I handled myself but found myself making a mental note to NOT confide in her unless it was something I was comfortable being made common knowledge.  I was feeling proud of myself for planning to cut her off before the relationship proceeded.

BUT

And I'm just now realizing that I've been wanting every single friendship in my life to be perfect.  I wanted every friendship I have to be a "ride or die" situation.  Right now I am realizing that it's simply not possible to create a life where every single person you call friend is "ride or die".  You must have one or two friends who are perfect to you.  But it's okay to have a handful of imperfect people who you can enjoy, and learn from, and have as a nice addition to your life.

It's okay to be friends with imperfect people as long as you can maintain your boundaries and standards.  My new friend can be can be a casual friend.  I can have fun with her and make great memories.  She will not be someone I should confide in.  I will have to work a little harder to not indulge in gossip.  But I can appreciate her for all the wonderful ways she behaves.  I can be inspired by her ability to grab life.  I can laugh with her. 

I just can't tell her my deepest secrets. 

For some reason - up to this point - I've wanted everyone to know everything about me.  Probably so they can be impressed with how "great" I am.  How "strong".  "Inspirational".  If they know all the terrible things about me - they will be in awe of me and THAT adoration would MADE me feel so very good.

Sometimes I felt obligated to tell my whole story.  Even with very new friendships I felt I need to let them know my patterns, my failed first marriage, my issues with my husband.  It seemed like I was living a lie unless they knew.

What a blessing today to learn that I'm just a regular person like everyone else.  That my past is private.  It's mine to share or shield as I wish.  That I do have a few trusted people who know everything and "get me".  That I have many other people who at least like me.  That I finally like me!  Even if I am still struggling to find my footing with the concept of "health" instead of the surface level aspiration to appear "good".

[Hopeful Spine]

Kudos for painting and decorating the room! I hope that you will remember, even if your husband doesn't like it, if YOU like it that is all that matters. And if he does like it that is gravy on top!

All in all, a very Hopeful message!

Thanks for this affirming message!  My husband LOVED what I did in my home decorating.

I'm praying today to find balance in my emotions.  While I know that life is wonderful - I'm feeling beaten down today.

Last year I paid a few bills late.  I paid them with the late fees and moved on.  Recently I received a collection notice.  It's a long story but I owe extra money and even thought I don't think it's fair - I've paid it. 

Today I called the government office to inquire about a few things and to make sure that my payment was logged.  I was treated with obvious annoyance and disrespect.  The woman was just so cold and unhelpful and even mocking me for, I guess, a stupid question.  She talked over me and I raised my voice.  Eventually I yelled at her.  Loudly.  I have NEVER done this.  I completely lost my cool.  She eventually allowed me to speak and was all "yes ma'am" to me.  Even that was very condescending. 

I am not angry that for how I reacted - she really was "mean girling" me.  I'm just stunned that someone could be so unhelpful and terrible to a person who is trying to fix a mistake.  I wish for myself I could have dealt with her in a more mature way.  I wish I could have listened to her give me a exasperated half answer and then I wish I would have said,

"I am unfamiliar with this sort of problem and I do not find you to be helpful.  Could you please transfer me to someone else in your office."

But I already felt embarrassed by this mess.  I am completely out of my element here.  I felt humiliated by the way she was talking to me.  And then further degraded when she wouldn't even allow me to speak.  When I know that the issue is solved I may reach out to the office with a complaint.  But maybe it's best to just move forward.  My husband was super nice and supportive when I unloaded my emotions on this.  I know that I am not alone.

Aside from that nonsense, I learned that my friend had to have an unexpected surgery and I'm worried about her and her family.  Stupidly the death of Matthew Perry is adding to my sadness.  I really enjoyed that actor.  Also, I spent the whole weekend at home and now i have a ton of work to accomplish today. Plus I have a few tasks at my house that will absolutely need to be done tonight.  I am allowing that phone conversation to alter my day and THAT is why I am praying for balance. 

I cannot control how the people at the government office behave.  The amount i had to pay was not huge.  It is not worth my time to learn how to fight it or to try to voice my concerns over a person I will (hopefully) never have to deal with again.

I cannot control my friends health.  I can think of ways to support her as she recovers but her health is in God's hands.

I certainly cannot mourn an actor I never knew.  That is not a sadness I need to take on.

I can take a walk around the block and return to my office with dedication of completing some tasks.  I can do this as many times as needed until I get the work finished.

I can go home and do those tasks at any hour.  They are pleasant tasks anyway and it will be a nice ending to this not great day.

Amen.

[Hopeful Spine]

My mother-in-law, the perfectly lovely woman I still struggle with, has cancer.  Luckily it sounds like it is a common cancer that has been caught early.  So it's scary but not necessarily devastating. 

I am ashamed because when my husband told me I had a number of negative thoughts running through my head.

- Why did she call at such an early hour?

- How could she not know the name of the cancer?

- Why was I not included on the call?  She going to call her kids and then her siblings.  I am nothing in this family.

- I immediately thought of how this is going to stir the family up.  PD people are going to pretend they are "children of the year" and support her in ways that they've disregarded her in the past.  My SIL will be especially terrible.

- I thought, "maybe this is a good thing.  It's a "simple" cancer but it might change this family for the good."  It's not good.

- I thought negatively of my FIL and how badly he usually treats her.  Now, of course, he will use this opportunity to gather points for being a loving supportive husband - when he is completely not these things.

- I made a comment to my husband about how we needed to focus on his mother and not his dad's antics and my husband was not happy I said that.  And he's right - it didn't need to be said at this point in his processing.  It's something my mother would have said.  I was wrong to say it.

During a time when I should be softening my heart against my MIL - I am only thinking of myself and how all of this will affect me.  So I said what I wanted to say and now I'm embarrassed and again focusing on myself and how bad I feel.

I am not proud of any of this. 

I'm disappointed that I carry such negativity that these are the things I immediately think of. 

I'm at a loss on how to proceed.  I didn't know it, but I had a fake relationship with my MIL for years as I worked hard to become important in this family.  When I came Out of the FOG I saw her in a new light I realized how much I didn't respect the way she handles her family relations or her own negativity.  I've been trying to come to terms with how to love and respect a mostly nice person who is flawed in ways that DO affect me.  My husband's mother will always be in our lives and I've wanted to just handle my emotions regarding her and love her for who she is.  This illness complicates my emotions.

I want her to be well.  I sent her a short text of support.

Later I will apologize to my husband for being unnecessarily negative about his dad.

I will focus on ways to support my husband and to be kind to MIL - with my mouth shut!

And I will try to refocus these negative feelings.

[Hopeful Spine]

I apologized to my husband and he was absolutely fine and understood where I was coming from.

Case in point.  His mother finds out tomorrow what the medical gameplan is.  She doesn't know if there will be treatment or surgery or what.  Nevertheless, FIL is planning to leave tonight to go to the fishing cabin.  Alone.  As he does every weekend.   

I know this is me, still being judgmental, BUT I'd be super pissed if my husband left (when he could easily stay) prior to finding out how the medical team is going to deal with this very scary situation.  I know that my husband (or his brother who is in the medical field) will be able to sit with her.  She won't be alone unless she chooses to be.

But, wouldn't you want to be there for your spouse, even just to comfort them and keep their mind at ease?  If my husband was going to be faced with this I'd insist on being there to help him make decisions, or arrangements, or to listen to his feelings.  And then to plan a night to cheer him up.

My opinion on their marriage doesn't matter.  I know this.  I'm just baffled by this family.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Hopeful Spine,

I dunno. I've been learning a lot and reminding myself of some of the things that trauma experts now know about how to get Out of the FOG - and what we need to do to stay Out of the FOG. And from what I've learned, nothing that you said you are thinking or feeling sounds wrong to think or feel.

What I've learned is that in order to stay out of the fear, obligation and guilt that we used to live with, we need to give ourselves permission to feel what we feel. Obviously we also need to know when to act on it, but just feeling what we feel, is not wrong.

All the many videos online where Dr. Gabor Mate talks about the use of healthy anger, have been reminding me of how important it is to know when I'm angry, because it will help me to stay out of FOG. So that is where I'm coming from here.

What I'm seeing in your writing is your own very healthy view of a system full of people who probably have shown you (maybe many times) that they are not always good with boundaries, caring for each other and showing up in healthy ways.

I could be off base here but when we feel what we feel, it is for a good reason. It is often tied to our (important) work to keep ourselves Out of the FOG that we know exists in one of our family systems (in your case, your DH's system, that you are a member of as well).

In-law systems that are populated by PD's are very tricky to navigate. We do ourselves a favor by staying aware of our hesitation to get involved, because there's a lot of confusion and FOG when PD's are involved.

When I read your posts here, I see a lot of clarity and insight into how this particular family system, tends to operate. You sound insightful and concerned.

FWIW, I don't think it is being 'judgemental' to know that if you were in your MIL's situation, you would not appreciate your DH going on a fishing trip at that time! He's obviously fine abandoning her while he's fishing...Someone else can take care of her emotional needs. That's not his problem. Who knows if he is even aware of any of that, or if he doesn't even think about those things.

In a healthy marriage, it is possible for a spouse to say "I need to get away for a few days to fish, so that I have the energy for supporting you when I get back". But from what you've written, it doesn't sound like that is what is going on here.

What you are describing is the emotional support that we now assume and expect as "normal" in our marriages. But not everyone offers their spouse emotional support. Would I tolerate a marriage where I'm left alone while my spouse is off fishing on the weekend I am dealing with a cancer diagnosis? Hell no! I'm with you on this. That is not acceptable to me.

But in each marriage, the level of emotional support is determined by the more narcissistic spouse. So I guess in their marriage, your FIL is the more self-centered spouse. So he dictates how much emotional support is offered. Some marriages provide high levels of support, but many do not. We both know what level of support we want to have in our marriages. It is sad that your MIL has a spouse who leaves to go fishing.

If she is ok with it, that would be one thing. Those are arrangements that are made when people both agree. But it doesn't sound like you see this as an agreement they made together. For him to flee the scene each weekend. Or maybe they did?

You can't change your FIL's behaviour. But I don't think it is wrong of us to say to ourselves 'there's something I would not put up with'. I too am baffled by the family systems I've had to try to fit into. Baffled is a good word for it.

Trees

[Hopeful Spine]

I dunno. I've been learning a lot and reminding myself of some of the things that trauma experts now know about how to get Out of the FOG - and what we need to do to stay Out of the FOG. And from what I've learned, nothing that you said you are thinking or feeling sounds wrong to think or feel.

-----

If she is ok with it, that would be one thing. Those are arrangements that are made when people both agree. But it doesn't sound like you see this as an agreement they made together. For him to flee the scene each weekend. Or maybe they did?

Trees

Thanks for your comments.  I appreciate the validation that I'm "okay" with how I've been thinking.  I want to improve and I know there are ways I can.  But I also want to have human emotions and have that "healthy anger".  I want to stay Out of the FOG and not be pulled back in!  Thanks for mentioning that.


I struggle with my MIL because she is passive and allows poor behavior by everyone.  She listens to her husband be a total ass and then mocks him behind his back. 

I'm not saying he doesn't deserve the disrespect.  But is it healthy and kind to treat someone that way?  Wouldn't it be better for your loved one, and for the family as a whole, to speak to him after the party.  "I need to tell you that the way you acted at the Thanksgiving party was unacceptable.  You were cursing. You were rough with a few of the grandchildren, you drank too much and slurred most of the night.  Your children have a drinking game with you as the butt of the joke.  You need help or this family is going to degrade."

It's frustrating to see someone living a shitty life when they could be speaking up for themselves and living a better one.  I have a friend who beat cancer.  She had young children at the time, working in a job she didn't enjoy, and living somewhere she didn't like".  After cancer she made big changes in her life.  She now has HARD boundaries and she isn't afraid to say no to anything. Her kids come first and she's not about to go with the flow when sometime challenges her peace.  She gets annoyed with people who complain about their lives.  She has been annoyed with me at times and I was hurt by how she told me to make changes.  She was right though.  I have a lot of respect for her. 

I struggled with my marriage and it was the hardest thing I ever did but I made it better.  I look at MIL and think that she needs to do the same thing.  But I'm not her.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Hopeful Spine,

Thanks for sharing that.

My MIL doesn't address her husband's behavior either. He does a lot that I would never put up with, but as you said, I have had to also tell myself "I"m not her."

At this point in my staying Out of the FOG journey, I really have had to learn about the healthy anger over and over. And also tied to that, the fact that the only stuff I have some control over is how I treat myself, and how I treat other people. I have no control over my FIL and how he behaves. This fact has been shown to me over and over throughout the years.

Trees

[Hopeful Spine]

Hi Hopeful Spine,

Thanks for sharing that.

My MIL doesn't address her husband's behavior either. He does a lot that I would never put up with, but as you said, I have had to also tell myself "I"m not her."

At this point in my staying Out of the FOG journey, I really have had to learn about the healthy anger over and over. And also tied to that, the fact that the only stuff I have some control over is how I treat myself, and how I treat other people. I have no control over my FIL and how he behaves. This fact has been shown to me over and over throughout the years.

Trees

Here's what bothers me though.  I'm in a house full of people having a good time (some more than most  ).  She asks him a question in her soft baby voice.  Instead of turning to look at her, or simply ask her to repeat herself, he will explode with an exasperated, "Excuse me!!!  I. can't. hear. a. word. you. are. saying.  You need to SPEAK UP!"

To be fair, she uses a soft baby voice and it's annoying.  It IS her natural speaking voice, he's probably annoyed always having to strain to hear her.  But I mean, it's always been her voice - he married her voice.

But he speaks to her with disgust and in a sharp, loud, halting way of speaking.  The sort of tone you take with the jerk guy who deliberately messes up your machine at the work shop.  Not to your wife who is only trying to get dinner going.

He's loud enough to command attention and we all stop but quickly continue on with our conversations, mixing a drink, finding a coaster.  We all make lots of eye contact and eye rolls.  It's agreed that everyone thinks he a jerk.  But none of us speak up.  Someone might say to MIL, "What do you need mom, I can help."  But not always.

My husband used to argue, "what's the point in talking to him?  He won't change and it will only make him worse if you challenge him."  Recently I told him that the point of speaking isn't to change his dad's behavior.  The point is to show his mother that she matters.  She is literally at a party with 40 people and not one person can tell her bully, "Cut it out dad. We don't speak to mom that way."  How humiliating.

My husband has spoken to his dad before and let him know that if he continued to overindulge and act aggressive that we would be leaving.  MIL took that moment to pull a "Yeah!  You need to . . ."  But my husband kept that moment for himself when he quieted his mother and said, "I don't want to be in a conversation where everyone piles on Dad.  I'm just letting you know how I feel and how I'm going to react if you continue."

At the time I was proud of him for saying that (still am, actually) but clearly his mother can only stand up to her husband if someone else paves the way.

Trees, maybe I need to take your view of striving to "Staying Out" of the fog".  I mean, I know what's, what.  I know these people's pattern.  I know the timelines and the results and the whole thing.  I know the part I'm supposed to play and I know how these people change towards me when I'm authentic.  I know how to cope.  I know how to protect.  I know how to reward myself after a difficult time.  I do NOT want to get sucked back in and involve myself with any of this.

DH's family does not like in-laws to get involved.  We aren't part of voicing opinions for small things like party arrangements or gifts.  We aren't included on several text chains.  We only get details if our spouses wish to tell us.  The siblings car pool and attend things that in laws are not invited to.  There are alliances I do not understand.  There are agendas that I don't have the details for.  There are a million inside jokes that I will never be privy to.  All of that is in the fog.

So why do I want to stress and fuss about a FIL and MIL who don't really regard me as a full member of this family?  Why do I want to control how these people handle their own father?  Why do I have feelings and opinions when MIL gets treated as badly as she (and the others in the fog) allow?

Why. On. Earth. Would. I. Go. Back. INTO. the Fog?!? 

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Hopeful Spine,

Well...watching someone get yelled at and treated poorly is upsetting because it's upsetting. Whether he is yelling at a stranger or me or a child or his wife, I was always upset when FIL was yelling.

It's my natural reaction to his disordered behaviour.

Your FIL could have all sorts of untreated psychological / mental health issues going on for him. He could have neurological issues that have never been treated. Maybe she tried a long time ago and she has known for a long time that he's never going to change.

Trees

[Hopeful Spine]

Hi Hopeful Spine,

Well...watching someone get yelled at and treated poorly is upsetting because it's upsetting. Whether he is yelling at a stranger or me or a child or his wife, I was always upset when FIL was yelling.

It's my natural reaction to his disordered behaviour.

Your FIL could have all sorts of untreated psychological / mental health issues going on for him. He could have neurological issues that have never been treated. Maybe she tried a long time ago and she has known for a long time that he's never going to change.

Trees

Thanks for all this.  I do suspect that your last sentence is true.  They will NEVER divorce so I believe she has accepted her fate with her husband.  Still, I tend to believe that people can change.  I've seen permanent change in my husband.  It's not easy but it can happen.  It took realization and commitment but my husband broke his cycle and we lived (mostly) happily ever after.  I had to accept a lot, I had to change too and I really had to establish and enforce boundaries.  All of which I needed to do to grow as a person anyway.  None of it was easy - but it was all worth it.

So I look at this situation and think that they just have to work harder to achieve what I think they need in order to be happy.  It's frustrating to see a man degrade his family (while we all allow it) and watch a woman just give up.  None of this feels good, safe or hopeful.

But I did not live her life.  It's not my place to judge.  I can only control me.

My MIL has received another blow to her health issues.  Again, nothing truly serious but it's stressful and scary, especially in addition to her other issue.  Once again he goes to the fishing cabin with almost no reaction.  She told him before a school assembly and they had ample time to discuss but he changed the subject.  They enjoyed the assembly and he left directly from the school without even saying "goodbye" to her.  MIL told my husband about it and she was crying.  He is planning to talk to his dad to make sure he realizes what is coming.  There are multiple surgeries and MIL is going to need help.  Can FIL assist on any level or is he planning to escape to the cabin? 

Once again I find myself ruminating over FIL's past behavior.  Imaging conversations I'd have to put him straight.  How I'll deal with him at the holidays - or not.  This is an unhealthy path I'm on and I need to switch gears and let others handle their own problems and work on the boundaries that I will keep in place for myself.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Hopeful Spine,

Do you think your FIL is an emotionally immature person EIP - as described by Dr. Lindsay Gibson? If you suspect that he is an EIP, then maybe her advice on how to approach conversations with him will give you some ideas.

I also agree with you - it is not your job to try to educate your FIL on how to properly behave right now, in light of his wife's health issues and need for support. It's not DH's job either. 

You mentioned imagining conversations you'd have with him. I get it. I think the "unsent letters" section of this forum has helped a lot of people. Even though I have never posted my unsent letters to that area, I have found that writing letters I'll never send, is really useful. You write out what you would say to that person, and then you get it off your chest and in my experience, it helps to address the rumination about their (upsetting) behaviors. In writing a letter we'll never send, we get to say what we wish we could say, without censoring ourselves. It can be cathartic when we've got a difficult personality in our lives.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/parents-who-drive-you-cra_b_7511242

Trees

[Hopeful Spine]

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/parents-who-drive-you-cra_b_7511242

Trees

Thanks so much for this link and the kind words.  That link looks helpful.  I'll look forward to reading it.

Today I feel bad for other reasons.  I snapped at a person who was only trying to help me yesterday.  To be fair this person has tendencies to sort of overshadow me.  We're teammates on a committee and for various reasons she is the stronger contributor, which makes me feel insecure.  Yesterday she was micromanaging me.  I tried to "joke" about it but what I said sounded super jerky.  She is not a mean person, I really like her a lot and we usually work well together.  I feel justified for speaking up but I executed it terribly.  Her face immediately registered hurt and surprise.  I apologized immediately.  We smoothed it over but after she left I felt terrible so I sent her an apology text, which she accepted.

Learning how to speak up, be assertive, and establish boundaries continues to be hard. 

Looking back I know how I could have better handled the situation.  I know my reaction was mostly due to be overworked and overwhelmed with other things.  She was overstepping for sure.  But she did NOT deserve to be snapped at.  I'm embarrassed.  I know she will tell other people in our group (she's really good (best) friends with some of them).

It was a small, negative interaction in an otherwise excellent work and friendship relationship so I know it's not the end of the world.  But I'm just feeling bad about it all today.

[Hopeful Spine]

I had a very annoying conversation with my mother, returned to my office to have lunch and decided to read the emotionally immature parent article.  I thought it would help with my FIL but as it turns out - it 100% applied to how I was raised.

While the emotionally immature parent may act like a normal adult in the outside world, their self-involved and controlling behavior comes out full force at home. They ignore their children's emotional needs because they are focused on their own consuming desires for attention and control. As a result, their children end up feeling insignificant and emotionally alone.

 

This past week has been super challenging.  I'm constantly frustrated, overwhelmed and unhappy with my decisions.  Snapping at my friend was out of character and it rattled me.  I still haven't forgiven myself and keep replaying her hurt face. 

I had to go to the nearby city yesterday to pick up stuff and I found myself totally checking out and loving it.  In my small town you need to smile, wave, say hello.  I'm friendly with a lot of people.  I have a lot of things I'm involved in.  In a city you can zone out, avoid eye contact, be neutral. It was wonderful.

Today I'm back in "hometown" mode and it's not been easy.  My buttons are being pushed and I don't like how I feel.  I'm worried I'm going to say something rude again.  It took everything I had to get out of my mom's house without losing it.

My sister, who is somewhat special needs, achieved something.  She'd been estranged from us for almost 20 years and back for one year.  She's not really living her life how we think she should, but she's not doing anything illegal or morally incorrect so really, it's none of our business.  Anyway, she achieved something that we felt she should have done within the first month of being "back".  Instead of celebrating that she has finally done the good thing, my mother is pushing for her to do the next thing on "our" list for her. 

It's so annoying how she acts like she's in charge and if it wasn't for her nothing would be achieved.  Push, push, push.  And a load of judgement while doing it.  I am happy that I've learned not to engage.  So today I tried to point out the success in the matter.  I reminded her that we don't really know what it was like for my sister to live her old life and transition to a new one.  I warned her that pushing might cause her to retreat.  Mom agreed to each point but fired back with other points.  It was exhausting.

Almost every time I have a conversation with my mom she says a variation of the same thing, "I asked your sister once why she left the way she did and she never said why.  I must have done something awful to make her leave."  This is my cue to say, "Oh mom, you did everything right.  She was the one who was wrong." 

I do not indulge her anymore.  Now I just change the subject or ask her a simple question about her plants or cookies.  That is what I tried to do today.

The truth is, my mom tore down any self esteem I had and made us all emotionally unstable and wary of joy.  I was more "normal" with decent grades, friends at school and a part time job that valued me.  I became a high functioning people-pleaser.  My sister, wasn't so lucky and she landed in the first lap that would take her.  I can't even imagine the sort of situations she's been through.

Days like today I get so angry at how my mother can be.  My brother once asked my why I didn't have children.  He said, "mom wants to know and she afraid to ask you because she doesn't want you to cry."  How much more emotionally immature can a person be then to avoid a real conversation that might lead to emotions?

Anyway, Mom doesn't actually bother me all that much anymore.  It's just today everything is piling up.  Every single person who has asked something of me is just another straw.  Every person who I see behaving poorly, is another straw.  The Fed Ex guy even bothered me (another little straw). 

My husband spoke to his brother about their dad.  He spends more time with their parents than we do. It turns out that he views their parents relationship even worse than we do.  He thinks they actually hate each other. (that's a lot of straws).

The rest of this week is jam packed and I don't see relief until Monday.  I know I need to just "stop".  Stop kicking myself for snapping.  Stop feeding into mom's negativity.  Stop thinking about my in laws marriage.  Stop saying "yes" when I need to say "no" so that I'm not overwhelmed like this.  Right now I need to clean my lunch dishes, say a prayer and restart my day.  And I will. 

But that camel's back is getting real weak.

[Hopeful Spine]

"Be where your feet are."

I've been feeling sorry for myself lately and letting the weight of the world (other people's worlds actually) drag me down.  Yesterday I spent a good portion of the day dreading a night time meeting because the gal I snapped at would be there, and I feared it would be awkward.  It was not.  It was actually very fun.

I've been stressing about my in-laws marriage.  My husband attended a little get together last night and his parents were lovely and pleasant.  His dad is newly on medication and can't drink.  For the moment things are okay and my husband was happy.  None of my stressing contributed to this positive turn of events.

I could list the many other things on my mind.  All things that I am not in charge of.  All things that don't require my assistance.  All things that are completely beyond my control.  But the better solution would be for me to take my Pinterest sourced quote and get on with my day.

"Be where your feet are."

I have a big event today and a wealth of tasks to complete.  I am overwhelmed but if I waste any more time this day will be a disaster.  It's time to focus on my own responsibilities and let other people deal with their own lives.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm glad it turned out fine with the interaction after you snapped at that lady. Your feelings about that were super relatable. I feel that when I make a mistake I may as well just stop existing now. I'm exposed, a failure, everyone knows it, cover blown, game over. We know in our heads that's not true but growing up in minefields like we did we were always one misstep away from disaster. It takes a lot of making mistakes and having it be, just, you know, normal and okay for our inner child to unlearn that.

[Hopeful Spine]

I'm glad it turned out fine with the interaction after you snapped at that lady. Your feelings about that were super relatable. I feel that when I make a mistake I may as well just stop existing now. I'm exposed, a failure, everyone knows it, cover blown, game over. We know in our heads that's not true but growing up in minefields like we did we were always one misstep away from disaster. It takes a lot of making mistakes and having it be, just, you know, normal and okay for our inner child to unlearn that.

Yes.  All of this.  It's exactly, how I felt.  I know it's not true and I wish I could process it quicker.

I'm tired.

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Hopeful spine,

Patrick Teahan (who does therapy and inner child work) says that when we start to do inner child work, we can feel worse before we start to feel better. It is depressing to realize how emotionally stunted our own parents are. And how many emotionally immature people are in our lives.

It can be hard on weeks like this, when even the Fed Ex guy is pushing our stress button.

For me it happens when I'm trying to take care of too many people who are full grown adults. People lean on us a lot sometimes, and that makes the camels back weak. In most immature family systems, there are a few people who get leaned on. But what about when we need support? I think that is what , understandably, leads to the tired feelings. I think that a lot of us end up giving from an empty bucket, I know I have done this most of my life and it is hard to course correct it. So I hear you when you describe the tired feelings you're having.

Trees

[countrygirl]

Hi Hopeful Spine,

You are a person who is in touch with her emotions, very unlike your mom! 

In your last post, you said you'd been "feeling sorry" for yourself so much lately. I see now evidence in your writing of a woman who is feeling sorry for yourself:  I see a woman who is learning to feel compassion for herself, compassion as she explores how to be in her world. 

It is hard for us who did not have good parental roll models in our world, often a world in which we were forced to think more about the other, dysfunctional people, than about ourselves. 

[countrygirl]

Hi again,

In my first post, meant to write "I see NO evidence of a woman who is feeling sorry for herself..."   My apologies for the typo, but the words are heartfelt.  I really feel that you are seeing things clearly and moving ahead accordingly.  And there is a big difference between feeling sorry for yourself, and having compassion for yourself as you work on the life you want to lead!

Not to sound trite, but if we don't have compassion for ourselves, we can't have compassion for others.  Although of course having compassion for others doesn't mean letting PDs ride roughshod over us.  We can feel compassion, while protecting ourselves from their dysfunction.

Wishing you all the best! 

[Hopeful Spine]

It is hard for us who did not have good parental roll models in our world, often a world in which we were forced to think more about the other, dysfunctional people, than about ourselves. 

Thanks for your kind words.  This stuck out to me.  Growing up it was everything to keep the home quiet for dad.  No arguing, no excessive laughing, no getting in trouble.  You needed to be quiet during dinner (dad liked the TV on, we could talk during commercials).  And you certainly didn't talk while he was driving!  The thing is though - Dad isn't a terrible person.  In fact, he's very friendly, funny and playful.  No doubt many of those qualities appeared after retirement.  I'm sure he wasn't always this way.  But my mom always seemed so terrified of keeping him happy that I assumed he was dangerous.  I lived my life as if I was in danger.

When you grow up with the job of keeping the adults in your life happy - you think that is just your role in the world.  The lucky people got to giggle whenever they wanted.  The lucky people were allowed to get excited about the Boy Band.  But not you, sadly.  So you do what makes your teachers happy.  Your coach.  Your boss at your part time job.  The parents of your friends.  After awhile it becomes real easy to learn what makes one sort of person happy vs. another person. 

I knew which of my friends parents wanted us to do the dishes after dinner and I knew which parents just wanted us to leave the mess and scram.  I knew how to get a good grade from specific teachers (spoiler alert - I just needed to be extra nice and my essays (subjective) would always receive an A).  I knew my boss at the ice cream shop would be pleased if I kept the counter clean.  I knew my 21 year old boyfriend would be happy if I was his designated driver (as I celebrated my newly acquired drivers permit at age 15.)

When you grow older and adults are less of a focus it's easy to translate your people-pleasing behavior to your peers.  And when you have a difficult person in your life - it becomes a challenge to figure them out.  To "win" them over.  To succeed at making them happy.

When you are only happy when you've made others happy - it's very easy to forget yourself in the process.

I'll tell you what happens to people like me.  You work your ass off to make others happy and then, during different pockets of time during the day, you treat yourself to something secret that makes you happy.  Expensive make up that you can't afford but can easily hide.  An extra pair of shoes that your husband would never notice.  Junk food becomes a daily reward and not just an occasional treat.  These are the safer vices that one can indulge in.

And then one day you find yourself in debt, overweight, in a truly shitty marriage and living life with a bunch of people you don't really like.  You find that you are officially tired of working hard to make them happy.  Looking around - you discover that very little about your life is real.  Plus, the responsibility to turn your life around is yours alone.  To become healthy you need to change a lot of your personality which is a same because you know you are a very wonderful person.  But you have to because you are just not emotionally healthy. 

And the topper of the whole thing - all those people you served during your people pleasing days - will not help you.  You used to think everyone else was good and you were bad.
 But now you have to sort out who is good and who is bad.  And YOU (not others) will have to teach yourself that YOU are good.  Even when you feel like a failure.  Hopefully you have at least one kind and compassionate friend to be your anchor.  But for the most part - no one is going to work hard to make you happy.  People pleasers are a rare breed and they rarely flock together.  God help the people pleaser who befriends another people pleaser. 

When you've spent a good 40 years living a people pleasers life - it's very hard to turn things around.  So if there are anyone young people reading this - do yourself a huge favor and just STOP.  Get help and learn different ways to cope with the people in your life.  Your future you will thank you!

Lately I've been feeling things slipping backwards.  It's not a surprise - the holidays are here and that is when people are the most difficult for me to navigate.  It feels lonely when you have to shrug and walk away from someone but sometimes that feels like the only choice I have. 

For instance, I needed help with something in my home so I invited my mother over to help.  I really debated before I did this.  She arrived, pleased to be included and it was nice.  Then she started to pick on things.  I had redecorated this whole room.  I did most everything by myself.  I choose the paint, the furnishings.  I prepped the walls, I cleaned (scrubbed), I moved large things, I painted for several weekends in a row.  I had a budget and I was pleased with how I used furniture from other rooms in the house to fully complete this room.  It is beautiful.  It's the first room I enter when I arrive home and I get a little thrill each time that I did something beautiful. 

It's not perfect.  We don't have the funds to do a full renovation.  We don't have the time to make this room to everyones standards.  But for my style, my time, and my money - I'm happy to have a freshly gleaming room with curated furnishings and picture perfect decor.

Mom made some comments, "Oh, you know you could put a countertop and chairs in this section." 

"Well, the new paint covers that imperfect wall, it's not so bad." 

"gee, maybe you could have your husband do XYZ - that would make it look at lot better" (Insinuating that he's done nothing with this renovation and also knowing full well how terribly busy my husband is with his growing business).

I wish I could post pictures of the very, very good job I have done.  Especially since I lived years in unfinished homes because I feared I'd waste money by doing a poor job.  It took a lot of courage for me to decorate this room.  A great deal of personal effort.  No one knows how much panic I felt choose a rug or deciding on the perfect paint.  I worked through it, giving myself plenty of grace.

But is wasn't good enough.  After all her comments I fell into an old habit.  I tried to "win" her over by gossiping about someone we know.  Someone I had no business gossiping about.  My mother warmed and instead of focusing on how I didn't do things better, she enjoyed the conversation.  But I didn't.  I felt terrible that she didn't love my room.  I felt terrible about talking about another person.  And I wanted to be alone.

Because people pleasers feel their best - when alone.

I got over all this.  I made peace with my gossip (done and done!) and I decided that mom isn't a safe person when I'm showing off my efforts.  She will never be a regular guest in my home because of how SHE behaves when she's in it.  A part of me is still super sad that I didn't make my mother happy that day.  But it's only a small part of me.  I didn't crumble.  That is growth.

 

Wow, I didn't mean to write all of this today but clearly it's been bothering me.  This morning a high school friend sent me some pictures of us at some of her childhood birthday parties.  I look sweet in the photos.  I can't remember the parties but I can see that I was cared for.  I loved dresses and I was wearing a dress in every photo - even when the other kids were wearing much more casual shorts.  Mom put my hair up in a pony tail.  I look "normal" and it's weird to think that I have never felt normal.  It's clear that mom cared for me but she didn't (couldn't) do what she should have done for me and the past can't be changed.  But I can change now.

I continue to be grateful to have this forum to work through my issues.  I'm happy to have support (as much as strangers can support a life they can only trust is real).  I'm lucky to be on this side of things where I feel more hopeful than I feel defeated.