Stronger in the New Me

[notrightinthehead]

If you needed confirmation that your mum isn't the person to compliment you, make you feel good about yourself, now you have it. We all need to go a few steps back, now and then. It's good to be reminded that as adults, we don't look to the outside for self confidence, even if it's nice to have.
Congratulations on your room decoration success! If you love the room and feel safe and happy in it, that is all that matters.

[Hopeful Spine]

If you needed confirmation that your mum isn't the person to compliment you, make you feel good about yourself, now you have it. We all need to go a few steps back, now and then. It's good to be reminded that as adults, we don't look to the outside for self confidence, even if it's nice to have.

Thanks for this.  Yes, after that conversation with my mom I could see that I invited her over because I wanted to feel close to someone.  But it came with a price.  My old habit of gossiping with her doesn't work anymore (thank goodness).  I cannot count on my mom.


Navigating feelings today.  MIL has a doctors appointment and everyone is confused on what the appointment is actually for (some thought she was having surgery, some thought it was just an appointment.  Some thought the appointment was for a secondary health issue.  No one knows if FIL will be attending with her.  My husband is on 6 or 7 text message threads with mostly the same people.  One thread it's all his siblings.  Another thread it's only the local siblings.  Another thread it's the fishing crew with a few family friends.  Another one is the fishing crew without his dad. 

Only one thread includes all his siblings, his parents, AND the in laws.  But that thread doesn't have all the info.  Just the info they want the in-laws to know.

Sometimes medical issues are shared with everyone.  Sometimes just the boys. Sometimes just a few select people who might be attending an appointment or otherwise dealing with something specific.  My husband is constantly scrolling on his phone to retrieve the info to relay it to me.  Not to mention the sheer amount of texts he receives in a day.  We can go to a movie and when he checks his phone after we get to the car, he will literally have 80 texts.

Eighty texts from people who don't treat you with respect or play mind games.  Eighty opportunities to feel included or be shown that he's not. He's tried to streamline this whole thing but it never works.  Obviously he assumes they have a thread going where he's not included.

Anyway, during all this turmoil with my MIL she insists on helping my husband with his business.  If she has a doctors appointment at 8:30 she will want to hustle back to help him at noon.  He tries to say no and she gets so disappointed that he relents and changes his work schedule so that she can help.

He doesn't even need her help.  She truly IS helpful.  But all the work she does, he could easily do during the course of his day.  He bends over to accommodate her in his workday.  I should think that this is sweet but I really resent it.

And I KNOW that she isn't trying to get in the way.  I KNOW that she is very proud of him and wants to be a part of things.  I KNOW that working for him gives her a good feeling.  But there is no place for me with her there.  If I show up in the course of a day it feels weird. Like I've interrupted their private party.

Plus her negativity drags him down.  And her absolute devotion to him skews how he thinks I should treat him.  I simply can't agree and smile and pretend he is perfect every time I interact with him.  When he's spent too much time with her he becomes prickly with me when I'm only honest with him.

I KNOW that these are not MIL problems.  These are issues that my husband needs to address.  My irritation with her isn't really fair.  But there it is.

So I'm thinking of her today with her appointment.  Obviously I want her to be okay.  It just makes me feel weird to harbor such irritation towards her at this time.  It's hard for me to continue to give my husband grace when he's obviously out of sorts with all the dysfunction going on. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh, they're husband problems all right, but who installed the wonky programming? Yeah. MIL. I'm irritated with her too.

My husband too had a mother who would treat him as if he were perfect. Well, she wishes he would be a little more like HER in certain ways, but in front of the imaginary audience he is just great great great. Their whole family and their whole life is just smile for the camera, wow aren't you lucky?  So if I'm not buying into all happy all the time, I'm clearly the problem. Why do I have to be so negative? He's always been fine going along to get along.

He has stuff to work on, absolutely. But dialing down the volume on MIL was great great great for our marriage.

That feeling of irritation at that level of enmeshment is telling you something very real. And which is it, she's truly helpful or really kind of a nuisance. You seem to be really conflicted about her.

[Hopeful Spine]

Oh, they're husband problems all right, but who installed the wonky programming? Yeah. MIL. I'm irritated with her too.

My husband too had a mother who would treat him as if he were perfect. Well, she wishes he would be a little more like HER in certain ways, but in front of the imaginary audience he is just great great great. Their whole family and their whole life is just smile for the camera, wow aren't you lucky?  So if I'm not buying into all happy all the time, I'm clearly the problem. Why do I have to be so negative? He's always been fine going along to get along.

He has stuff to work on, absolutely. But dialing down the volume on MIL was great great great for our marriage.

That feeling of irritation at that level of enmeshment is telling you something very real. And which is it, she's truly helpful or really kind of a nuisance. You seem to be really conflicted about her.

Thank you for this.  Yes, my husband's family is very "smile for the camera" too.  And the "aren't you lucky" really hits home.  Yesterday at the gathering they started chatting about something and it turned into how "cool" our family is and how people just love to be around us.  Puke.  No. 

And thank you for your real question of "is she truly helpful or really kind of a nuisance?"  She is a nuisance who truly hustles to make herself useful.  And I have been part of the problem. 

I do feel bad for her and her terrible marriage.  So at times, in public, I've sung her praises in front of her peers.  And she LOVED IT.  I've made her feel special by taking pictures of her and my husband at work.  She LOVED IT.  She gets such a glow when I do these little things and I feel good about making her happy.  But she runs with it.  It gives a false sense of my comfort level.  Then, when she behaves as if she is essential - I get irritated and resentful of her. 

Because no one is praising the small things I contribute.  No one is taking my picture.  No one is telling me I'm important.  She's lapping up all the credit I'm giving her.  And my husband hasn't a clue on the kindness that I'm extending nor the struggle I'm having.

It started off that I felt like I was giving her a gift.  That being generous with her level of involvement in our life was something special I was doing.  That it was kind to include her in something important to us.  That it costs me nothing to express appreciation in a public way.

I don't know how to unravel this mess that I contributed to.  Especially now with her health issues.  To cut her off, during a scary time when she's getting little support from her husband, seems cruel.  My husband is going to make her take time off to heal from her procedures.  I hope to use the time after her procedures are complete, and she is safely recovering, to share my feelings with my husband. 

He often says, "I don't really need her help."  But I know he wants her to be happy so he includes her. 

She IS a nuisance and I feel guilty for wanting to take back the praise I've given her.  I feel resentful that no one realizes or appreciates my efforts and kindness. These aren't pretty feelings but that's about the sum of it.

 

In other news - I find that grey rocking is more difficult for me than faking happiness.  I grey rocked my ass off yesterday and I guess it worked.  Everyone was on their best behavior around me.  I had an okay conversation with my previously estranged family member.  My PD sister-in-law was nice and asked me lots of questions about my life.  She sat next to me and was obviously trying to be friendly.  I was polite and answered and asked and made all the social efforts.  There were times I wanted to jump in and make jokes or add to a larger conversation and I didn't because I didn't want to get involved.  I was polite, I was kind, I was boring.  I felt sad the whole time.

When you aren't trying to play their game it gives you lots of time to watch what is happening around you.  I could see all the relationships and conversations that happened easily between them.  I felt hurt as I learned things that the others have known for month (a kid having a big part in a play, someone else doing construction on their home, those sorts of things) I watched the family friends join the party with all sort of happy inclusion.  I knew I wasn't really trying.  I could see some of the irritating jokes that my husband sometimes makes (think along the lines of Sheldon Cooper).  I could feel all my feelings and I certainly felt weak, boring, and problematic.  I felt like I was sitting in the middle of a great family party and I was the problem.

The old me would have faked it and I would have enjoyed the temporary thrill of feeling popular and liked.  It would have been all fake but I'd be faking it too.  Those feelings would cancel each other out and I'd be fine - for awhile.

My husband will be leaving for a few days and I'm very much looking forward to a little alone time to sort through these things.

[countrygirl]

Hi Hopeful Spine,

It's odd, isn't it, that sometimes being true to ourselves can be so difficult?  You are really coming Out of the FOG and seeing things as they are.   

I was vey moved by your description of your room.  That room is symbolic of how you are "redecorating" yourself, becoming who you are, not who others want you to be.  Just as you love going to that room when you come home, you are starting to love yourself.  It sounds as if you'd often rather be by yourself than with dysfunctional people. 

There are many inspirational stories on this forum, and yours is definitely one of them.  In freeing yourself to become who you are, you are helping to free others.  Just working on one room at a time can ultimately transform the whole house, and sometimes a whole neighborhood, so to speak! 

[Hopeful Spine]

Hi Hopeful Spine,

It's odd, isn't it, that sometimes being true to ourselves can be so difficult?  You are really coming Out of the FOG and seeing things as they are.   

I was vey moved by your description of your room.  That room is symbolic of how you are "redecorating" yourself, becoming who you are, not who others want you to be.  Just as you love going to that room when you come home, you are starting to love yourself.  It sounds as if you'd often rather be by yourself than with dysfunctional people. 

There are many inspirational stories on this forum, and yours is definitely one of them.  In freeing yourself to become who you are, you are helping to free others.  Just working on one room at a time can ultimately transform the whole house, and sometimes a whole neighborhood, so to speak! 

Thank you for all these words.  I spend a lot of time looking at my beautiful life and feeling pathetic because (even with my many blessings) I can't seem to move past things.  I often feel like I'm forever going to be holding grudges and fighting with my inner self.  I get very irritated with myself and my petty thoughts.  Before I even get out of bed in the morning I'm thinking of a grievance or shortcoming or thinking of how I've been robbed in one way or another.  Then I distract myself with a podcast as I get ready for the day.  Finally on my commute I thank God for everything.  I truly do have a lovely life full of wonderful people and so many blessings.  But then the day is a roller coaster of thoughts that bring me flashes of anger, pain, shame, followed by my inner voice reminding me that I'm okay.  That I'm good.

I can't seem to find a therapist that will aggressively push me towards health and perhaps that is because it is something that only I can do for myself.  I'm trying but it's just taking SO LONG!!!

I found this quote on pinterest recently and it speaks to me:

It's hardest to be who you are if you did really well at being who you're not.

I am so much more happy when I'm around new friends, new situations, new customers.  I am able to be friendly but have boundaries.  I'm able to accept them for who they are a I either like them and enjoy them - or I dislike them and keep a distance that allows me to be kind but safe.  I can say "no" and not stress over it.  I am FUN!  I feel fun!

But when I'm around old friends or customers, or this dysfunctional family I've been a part of for 20ish years - I sweat and stress and can't seem to find footing.  I hate to admit but sometimes I feel that way around my husband.  There is a part of me that doesn't want them to know the new me.  I haven't sorted that out yet and I HOPE that someday all this hard work falls into place and I can function without all this inner stress.

[countrygirl]

Hi,

That quotation is really true, isn't it? 

When we've been rewarded, to some extent, for being who we are not, being who we are can be scary and it definitely takes time.
 
To me, it sounds as if you have an accurate read on yourself:  That you are in a transitional phase.  It is hard work, but you're doing it.

It occurs to me that maybe you start thinking about "grievances" with others, because if you hadn't had such a difficult FOO, like so many of us there, your life would have been easier.  So you are fed up with difficult people!  You want them out of the way, so you can be yourself.  I don't think you're doing anything bad by having these thoughts. Feeling anger in general is part of the transition.

Sometimes finding a therapist who really "gets" you can be hard, too.  It doesn't seem "fair," because we want to change, and it seems that finding someone to help us shouldn't be work, not on top of the work we're already wiling to undertake!  But it's like finding a life partner, a good friend or a business partner:  It's a matter of luck and hanging in there until we find the right person.  They ARE out there.

Change is hard.  I know I'm still dealing with issues because of the template which was set in my FOO.  I guess we all can say that it's good to appreciate the journey. One of my best friends, who was really a remarkable woman, continued to work on herself into old age. It was that self-awareness and humility which made her remarkable.  Everyone is always a work in progress.   

[Hopeful Spine]

My MIL is having a minor procedure today.  Minor but still scary, especially since she had the much more serious surgery scheduled in another week.  In our very, very, active family text chain she's received no support.  I texted something kind.  Then a little later my husband added something nice.  But the rest of the 22 people haven't made one peep in this "close", "supportive", "fun", "cool" family.

I don't understand it.

Putting aside my conflicted feelings, I have to admit - she never fails to remember important things that the rest of us are going through.  She gives gifts, cards, texts.  She always shows up for people.  It might be superficial and self-serving sometimes but that is how this family rolls.  She has legitimate health issues and everyone knows that her husband shows her zero support.  He decided to go to the family cabin instead of (I dunno) drive her to the procedure and, (I dunno) cheer her up after.    I don't understand why people are choosing to not give her some positive chatter on a lousy text chain? 

They certainly showed up for the eldest sibling when he had health issues.  In a big way.

I can only hope that the others texted her privately and that she IS going into her procedure feelings loved.

Days like today are why I feel conflicted about her.  I used to be her.  I always showed up.  I always remembered.  I thought I had everyone in my pocket.  Then when I had surgery I looked around and found almost no one supporting me.  I don't wish that feeling on anyone. 

Back then I needed that kick in the gut to learn that I needed to revise how much I invest in everyone else.  I remember that time well.  Healing my body as well as my heart.  Even though I continue to spend spurts of time here lamenting my very being - I know how much more healthy I am now and I am glad for that wake up call.  And for the time I invested in myself these last years.

[Hopeful Spine]

Just a quick vent so I don't dump my irritation onto my husband.

MIL just sent a family text to say she was done with her procedure.  She happily reported that she arrived 30 minutes prior to appointment, checked in and then, only one minute later, was called back to the room.  That is all she texted.

A sibling (finally) contributed and said, "great, so everything went okay?"

She then replies with an update that was not at all positive.  The doctor found more issues and had to go deeper than he expected.  She has extra recovery and extra appointments already scheduled for additional lab results.

 

When you are updating family on this sort of thing - the takeaway shouldn't be that you got into your appointment early.  We don't care about that!  Tell us what has happened with your health!!

It's like a weird mind game for her to express pleasure about her early check in and then deliver negative news in a secondary fashion.

This is a perfect example of what I've been complaining about.  I felt sorry for her because of the lack of support for her.  And now, all I am is annoyed at how weird she is being about reporting important information.  She does this sort of thing all the time.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yikes. I'm so sorry. I will say, that that sort of "toxic positivity" can be adaptive when real support is lacking. As the scapegoat, I learned that my needs, my suffering, was simply not important and would not be recognized. My role was to be okay and to support everyone else. My stuff was invisible. If I had to communicate anything negative, I had better sugarcoat it with all the, "I can totally handle it and you needn't worry at all," I could muster. Your MIL's, "Got in early! Bad news," reminds me of that.

[Hopeful Spine]

Yikes. I'm so sorry. I will say, that that sort of "toxic positivity" can be adaptive when real support is lacking. As the scapegoat, I learned that my needs, my suffering, was simply not important and would not be recognized. My role was to be okay and to support everyone else. My stuff was invisible. If I had to communicate anything negative, I had better sugarcoat it with all the, "I can totally handle it and you needn't worry at all," I could muster. Your MIL's, "Got in early! Bad news," reminds me of that.

Thanks for pointing this out.  I too have done this sort of thing without realizing.  Instead of feeling compassion for her coping mechanism I jump to irritation.

I believe it's time for me to step away from the situation.

My MIL did drive herself to the procedure.  She drove herself home while most of her family were at the family cabin.  While most of her in-laws would have taken time to driven her - had we known what was going on.

A few days later my FIL called her and she told him that she drove herself to a Healing Prayer Service a few towns over.  He was irritated because "when I had surgery and six months later wanted to go on a fishing trip she told me that it wasn't a good idea!  And here she is, only days after her surgery and she's driving all over the place!"

My husband pointed out to his dad that HE was okay with his wife driving herself home from the surgery so why on earth did he think she couldn't manage to drive herself 15 miles to church, several days later?  FIL didn't have anything else to say.

So I have decided that I need to STOP.  As terrible as I feel about how she is being treated - she is not my mother, I'm only an in-law and in-law have their place in this family.  Plus, no one is asking for my feelings or for me to step in and help.  MIL is not expressing any feelings on the matter. I'm the one making a big deal over this.

Plus, I need to stop sharing my frustrations on this topic on this forum as it's only allowing me another avenue to share judgements and feed my annoyance.

ALL OF THIS BOGGLES MY MIND!!!!  But I need to stop asking my husband questions.  I need to stop trying to piece together these situations.  I need to make peace with the fact that 20 years into this family - I'm not considered close enough to be asked to help my MIL.  I need to make peace with the fact that I'm in a family that thinks it's okay to ignore what someone is going through.  I need to figure out how to disengage from this shitshow without feeling guilty or like I'm failing people.

No one cares except for me. Or until a funeral happens.  Then this family goes nuts with fanfare, emotions, and wild displays of grief.  Then they "care".

More and more I'm seeing that I might need to go no contact with this family.  They aren't "terrible" but I just can't handle how I feel in regards to them.

[Hopeful Spine]

When a pattern is finally coming to an end, especially one that has been held in your body for a long time, that's also when you face the most fear and the most resistance because being set free actually feels incredibly uncomfortable and unsafe in relations to continuing to play out what you've always known. 

Pinterest has been my friend lately and this quote is really speaking to me.

I have always had a picture of myself being "good".  I know I've typed those words a bunch of times.  "I just want someone to tell me that I'm a good person."  And I've worked my ass off trying to get people to acknowledge that I'm a "good person".  Behaving in a way that makes me appear "good".  Going the extra mile.  Saying the nice thing.  First to get there, last to leave, never give up, sort of thing. 

At my very core I KNEW I was good because I did everything that makes one "good".  To a fault.  I'd text at the right time, plan get togethers with people who would never plan them with me.  I helped people in their time of need.  I shared intimate things about myself all the time to make people feel better about themselves.  I let myself be the butt of "jokes" to prove that I had a good sense of humor.  Befriending the least popular person really made me feel "good".  I was a savior, a martyr.  And I liked knowing internally that even thought I wasn't "perfect", I was pretty darn close.  In a humble way I really felt like I was the best version of myself and if we all took turns doing the things I was doing - everyone would be a lot happier.

When I stopped being "good" I felt very, very bad.

When people didn't pick up my slack I felt even worse.

When I showed my true self and didn't receive my usual praise I sunk even lower.

But I was breaking my patterns.  Giving up control.  Trying to accept that "good" was a fluid term.  And all that was hard but I knew it was the path to health.

It would get easier, I knew.

And it did.

But now it's even harder.

And I'm more scared that I've ever been.

Because I liked being "good".  Being "good" was the most important thing to me.  I still know how to be (that version of) good.  I know how to work a person to extract the sort of behavior I want.  If I want a fun girls trip I only have to plan it and then email all the info that will make the weekend easier for them.  I know how to send individual texts to each person, crafted so that they are most happy.  To one gal I'd be jokey and fun.  To the other girl I'd pump up her ego by complimenting her fun nature (because I knew that if I could get her to be her best - then the weekend would be a success).  I knew how to pick the right restaurants to make one person happy.  I knew the extra little gifts to bring along to make everyone feel happy and loved.

And it all worked.  And it was EASY for me to do every one of these exhausting things.  I just did it.  And it gave me a huge sense of self.  Worth.  Esteem.

And that is just one example.  I had patterns for my parents, my husband, clients, neighbors, sales clerks.  It's not hard to find out what makes others tick - you just have to have the right conversations, text exchange or a really long email.  And you can lock a person in and, I guess, control them to make yourself feel good.

Stopping this sort of toxic behavior is terrifying.  Even when it's done as slowly as I have painfully done.

You realize how fake you were. 

You realize how superficial it all was.

You see the people you worked so hard on - continue to be friends.  While you are sitting there and getting nothing.  Waiting for them to pick up the slack.

It's a gut punch, but you just sort of still hope that they will come through for you.

But then you realize that NO ONE is coming for you.  You were stupid and you wasted so much time and energy.  Even if it made you feel better for a while.



I'm at a point where I'm seeing that many years of effort hasn't secured me a favored place with my inlaws.  And while I truly do understand that it's a valuable sign that I need to move on - I still haven't given up.  It hurts that I've "failed".

Even so.

I'm also at a point where I am realizing that there WILL be people in other avenues in my life that will push my buttons and I WILL need to deal with them - without using my toxic old tricks.  I need to accept that boundaries are the only thing that will save me - even though in the past I could control them if I only make myself meek around them.

Even now that I've stop trying for the most part, I am finding that some people see my natural talents and authentic nature as competition.  Not everyone wants to see me succeed.  And that feels like a rejection.  Instead of acknowledging that it's their issue - it makes me want to return to those unhealthy patterns so that everyone is happy (including me).

For many years I was wrong on what is good.

Good was being pretty enough to fit in - but not too pretty to make people jealous.
Good was being creative but not too "out there" and weird.
Good was always helping, even if it cost extra time, money and grief.
Good was carefully sharing my feelings and issues - but only the stuff that really bothered me.  I'd let the petty stuff go (even if they festered).
I would never tell a dud joke, snap at someone, or be contentious.  Better to keep things to myself than risk not being good.

I am telling you - this behavior was EASY for me.  For the most part I'd feel in control.  When I didn't - it didn't take long to assess and adapt others.

Yes, I was a mess under the surface but it was easy to assess and adapt myself to a state of calm.

Until it was not.  Until I found myself in many, many bad situations.  Until i realized I was living a lie.  A "good" lie.  But still.  A lie.

I don't know what has gotten into me today but I do know that I have broken the pattern and . . . I can't go back.  That old comfortable life is officially gone and I'm just sad to accept that I'm a regular person like everyone else.

This past year:
I've said no - way more than I ever have before.
I've shown obvious anger to people.
I've abruptly ended conversations.
I've joked in ways that were off putting. I didn't read the room.
I've allowed others to disregard me and I've felt anger and anxiety simmer.
I straight up snapped at that one person, and that was especially jarring.
I've blown people off and let them leech off others (and don't think I didn't feel responsible for those innocent people having to pick up my slack).
I've given less in my marriage than I ever have before (because something big is definitely brewing there.)
I've blown off my religious obligations completely and the guilt is something else on my list to deal with.

Today I don't feel victorious.  The above things were hard for me to do/allow/experience.  Most times I felt like a failure when I KNOW how to solve all these issues.

Grovel. Smile. Apologize. Google. Plot Twist. Treat. Confide. Control. Done!

 

To be clear - I don't doubt that I am currently on the right path.  I needed to change from the person I was.  I KNOW that I have real things in my life now. And my current relationships, dreams, and surroundings are beautiful!

It's just hitting me real hard today.  I miss some of those people.  I miss some of those activities.  I miss some of those feelings.  Even if my memories aren't a real snapshot of the life I was living - I sort of miss who I was then.

[Hopeful Spine]

Today I chatted with a customer I hadn't seen in a long while.  She's much younger than me.  She's a busy mom to little kids, does all the volunteering, part time work, runs her home, takes care of her husband - the works. 

Her daughter is sick and she had to run to urgent care.  She was sharing her experience.  A few minutes in I was reminded of how very special this young lady is.  She didn't just grunt and say, "ugg, the kid is sick, the doctor was a pain, it's been a day!"

In detail she shared her kids symptoms, what she told the doctor, how he reacted.  She was upset with the doctor and illustrated how callous he was to her.  She went on another tangent on how she dealt with something else earlier in the week.  She gave me lots of details about how she dealt with each issue, pointing out the good things she did as well as the bad.  I haven't seen this young lady in two years.  She gave me details that I didn't need to know to sort of "show" me that she tried to do the right things.  She used careful language that was proper and correct.  Her tone was conversational, she smiled a lot to lead me when she wanted me to nod and agree with positive words.

In short - she was perfect.

Inside I was rolling my eyes, privately thinking of how I needed to get back to my work.  But the more she talked the more I was drawn in.  She clearly needed to release something and I decided to let her vomit out all the words she wanted.  She finally cried.  After revealing how hard she works to be "nice" and how no one cares.

This poor girl was me, circa 1995 until 2015-ish.  Always caring.  Revealing everything about myself in order to be completely transparent to all my "friends".  Proving I was objective and honest in all my dealings. Wanting to do all the right things. 

I remember MYSELF as being pathetic when I behaved this way. 

But I would not consider her pathetic.  I could see her absolute sweetness and her considerable stress.  I can already see the storm she might walk through someday because, I know from experience, she will not be able to live this way forever.

I shared with her that I felt the way she is feeling.  I told her about my one operation that pulled back the curtain on my relationships and that I've been changed ever since.

"When did you start feeling better?"

"I'm still working on it.  I had to stop fixing the past and start building the future.  Still building."

Obviously I gave her words of encouragement and I'm going to check on her in a day or so.  But she's blessed me with a lot to think about.


In my previous post I said that I miss who I was.  I liked being the planner and finding fun things to do. I liked being giggly and fun and surrounded by people who were enjoying themselves.  I was always a kind person even if it was sometimes self serving.  I made people happy and that made me happy.

When I changed, I changed across the board.  I didn't just weed out the bad people and the bad behaviors and continue on my merry way.  I "stopped" with everyone because I wanted to see who would pick up the slack.  No one did and that made me think I had to change completely.

I did need to change - there is no doubt about that.  And just "stopping" was probably what I needed to do.

The problem was I didn't add any of the good back in.  I didn't keep that positive spirit because I was depressed and unsure how to move forward.  And to be fair there weren't a lot of people hanging around to help.

I did stop my negative behaviors.  I stopped my toxic positivity and my false sense of self.

I put distance between those that hurt me.  I grew objective sometimes and critical sometimes.

I put up boundaries and rules and I followed them - even if it didn't feel right.

I made new friends.  Tried new things.  Gave in new ways.

But they were made during the "new me" stage where I was careful, quiet and filled with desire to hold back.

So I have safe people, safe situations and safety within me.  But it feels fake to me to be silly with them and grey rock with others.  I hate that.

But I need to more forward with the positive people.  If I miss planning an outing I should plan an outing - with the new people.

Maybe being myself with new people will help me be a stronger version of myself with the unsafe people in my life.

If I miss certain things about my old life I should bring it back - in a new way.

I need to stop worrying about how to salvage my life.  I need to flat out rebuild from scratch - based on the valuable things I've learned.

[Hopeful Spine]

On a whim, because it was a GREAT price, I bought another Christmas tree. 

It's very different from the one I have.  I certainly don't need another tree but I spotted it immediately after I entered the thrift store and I made a beeline over to it. When I checked the tag and saw it was only $14.99 I grabbed it without hesitation.

I don't need another tree, another hassle, another thing to store.  But I bought it, and put it in my kitchen, and I LOVE IT!!  It's just so beautiful and unique and it's the first thing I see when I get in the door.  I am now a person who owns three Christmas trees.

Earlier this fall a local organization asked me to participate on their holiday tour of homes.  I live in a historical house and they thought my property would be a great addition to their line up.  I laughed because (as anyone who reads my words knows) my house is pitiful and not something grand to look at.  If people paid money to view my house - they would certainly ask for a refund.  "Maybe next year", I said.  And I really meant it.

So now I have a bit of a spark to fuel my goal to participate on the next tour of homes.  I LOVE my newly decorated kitchen and with the addition of the new tree I really feel like people would actually enjoy seeing my home.  If I can make the rest of my house look as lovely (and I know I can) I'll be able to confidently participate next year.

I noticed that since I bought the tree I have not been ruminating as much.  I haven't shamefully caught myself thinking negatively about PD family members.  I've just been enjoying this tree, and in my spare time thinking of the best ornaments to add to the tree, or how I can use my existing Christmas decorations to really make the kitchen pop. I've been trying to decide if I wanted to quickly paint the bathroom to check it off my list.  I've been online looking at pictures of my style of decorating and trying out different ideas, making list of the things I need to buy at the after Christmas sales.

This tree didn't solve all my problems but it's clear that I need to do/buy/view/participate in more things that bring me true joy so that my heart is happier and has a chance at beating with love instead of spite.

If blowing $14.99 can produce this much happiness - I need to just throw a little (not a lot!) money at the problem on a regular basis - and see where it takes me.

[Hopeful Spine]

The Christmas holiday went well!  The PD people did behave how I expected but I didn't let it get to me.  I continued to be annoyed by my mother-in-law but no one else bothered me. 

I read something today that stated "the irritations you find in another will help you to discover yourself".  I do believe that but I don't know to what end my irritation with my MIL serves me.

It all started when she sent a text that she wanted a simple celebration, due to her recent health issues.  Simple meant we started the party at a specific time, with gifts happening in a specific manner.  She didn't want a full meal, but instead crock pots with appetizers and snackie foods.  Then, only minutes later, on this silly text chain, she allowed her PD daughter to alter plans and make things way more complicated.  No one spoke up, no one supported MIL.

At the party she smiled and acted like she was enjoying herself and then turned around to complain to anyone who would listen about her annoyance with her husband.  Which seemed unfair to me because he was actually keeping his drinking in check and was behaving very nicely.

Instead of enjoying her guests she made a big deal about cleaning up the kitchen while everyone was downstairs partying.  She made comments about how she was going to go ahead and clean everyone's crock pots and dishes.  Of course DH and I stopped her and insisted that people could bring home and clean their own crock pots and she didn't need to scrub anything else.  It seemed like she only suggested that she'd clean the crock pots to look "nice".  She quickly decided to not scrub.

She pouted portions of the night.  She rolled her eyes.  She used her baby voice to passive aggressively speak to people.

And even with all this I felt bad for her because she had three major surgeries this month and no one really made a fuss over her.

On Christmas eve we decided to invite MIL and FIL to our home on Christmas day.  When my husband called her to make arrangements I could overhead her portion of the conversation where she "thought" she might get invited to one household.  And she stated that they "usually" went to another household but they hadn't said anything yet.  She just stalled the conversation and gave us more speculation on who might still invite them or who wasn't able.  She didn't offer any sort of answer or solution to our invite.  My husband finally said, "okay, just text me when you figure your day out."

I was annoyed because she was playing it all so sad and taking no initiative on how she was going to spend Christmas day.  I was also annoyed that none of the other siblings had invited or included her in any portion of their celebrations.  Her and FIL would be on their own on a special holiday and all of that seemed very depressing.  I was also annoyed because my husband wasn't being very clear either.  I wanted him to invite her to our home during a specific time frame so that she knew she was welcome but that she was also free to visit anyone else.  He balked because he wanted her to make a decision instead of being passive.

I didn't say much because I knew that, regardless of them, our scheduled plans with my family wouldn't be disturbed.  I knew I could easily put out refreshments if they did come.  But it was annoying that they couldn't just make decisions so we could actually plan our own day.

They ended up coming over and it wasn't great.  She came in all nice and complimentary.  "Love this, love that."  But then made passive aggressive comments on all sorts of things.  Then she did her thing where she tried to agree with everyone.  My husband brought up news of a local New Years Eve wedding and how stupid he thinks it is to have a wedding on that day.  She jumps in with totally agreement and was scoffing at the couple we were discussing.  Then I said, "Oh, I disagree!  I'd love to be invited to a New Years wedding.  It would be great to have a low stress, fun activity for New Years.  And then she said, "Oh yeah!  It would be fun to have a fun place to go."  Then my husband continued the conversations with his reasons why he wouldn't like it and she flip flopped to his opinion again.  It was so weird.

Then it was anything we talked about.  A bakery in the area started offering a new thing and she made negative comments about how silly that was.  When I said, "oh, actually, she is very talented and able to sell these expensive cakes easily" she said, "Oh, yeah, she DOES have a talent."  She says it like she never said the petty thing.

She complained about a young family member who didn't properly close the door at our party.  Three hours later, they found the door to the outside had been hanging open in the cool temperatures.  She made another cutting remark about how the child was raised but then admitted that she didn't even tell the parent what the child had done. The parent had no idea and still wouldn't be able to speak to the child or offer to give them money for the heating bill.

Almost everything had a negative comment with her.  I would turn the conversation around and go in different directions only to have her be negative again.

And then, when my husband made a negative comment about his aunt - well, both MIL and FIL's eyes just lit up.  Everyone was on the same page and the conversation got real lively because they all wanted to talk about how the other branch of the family isn't as good as "we are".  It's been years since MIL and FIL agreed on anything but they sure joined forces fast.
 
Here's the kicker.  My husband didn't notice any of this annoying behavior.  I gave him a few examples and he sort of shrugged.  I dropped the subject because I really didn't want to spend time on Christmas running his mother down.  But it's useful information to me that he doesn't notice or acknowledge her behavior as odd or negative.

She acts like she is perfect, agreeable, sweet, helpful but she's really not that nice at all.

I think the correlation is that I used to be like this.  I'm too far removed from it all now to know if I was better or worse than the way she behaves but I know I for sure used to behave in this way.  I desperately do NOT want to return to that sort of behavior.  I think I find her to be an annoying reminder of the person I used to be.

And I'm further annoyed that my husband doesn't notice it AND continues to accommodate her into our lives in a way that makes me uncomfortable.  Because he sees her as a perfect person - he does not want to hear my opinion that states the opposite.  I don't know how I will break this cycle - but I WILL find my freedom from it.

[Hopeful Spine]

I am overwhelmed. 

I have tons of beautiful ideas but so many obligations that get in the way.
I have a lot of great family members and friends but I stay stuck on the ones that are PD.
I have great health and a nice appearance and I focus on my frustrations with my natural aging.
I have a hard working husband who is mostly a joy yet, I convince myself that he isn't devoted to me.
I have all the tools in my head to create boundaries and joy - but all I feel is guilt and failure for not being able to easily:

- Handle my MIL with real love and compassion
- Remember others kindly, even if I regret how I used to be.
- Adhere to a clean diet to help my health and mental well being
- Be assertive about new changes I want to make in my work
- Know what financial software I need to use
- Create an amazing website with beautiful content
- Design beautiful things to sell
- Put myself out there MORE
- Pay my bills.  I make money but I couldn't really sustain my (modest) lifestyle without my husband.

I have not changed enough in my journey.  I'm not as healthy as I want to be.  I'm not as mentally strong and I need to be.  I'm not assertive enough to do the necessary things in life.  I'm not creative enough to really shine.  I AM all these things.  But just not enough.

And even as I type all of this - I know it's bullshit.  We are ALL enough. 

I am just SO TIRED of telling myself things.  I'm tired of my efforts to talk myself into a good headspace.  I'm tired of building relationships that will support me as much as I support them.  I'm tired of paying bills that don't go away.  I'm tired of new things.  I'm tired of old things.  I'm scare of what life will be like when a real problem appears and I'm not ready for it.

I'm coasting.  And weak.  And tired.

But I will prevail

[moglow]

I have tons of beautiful ideas but so many obligations that get in the way.
I have a lot of great family members and friends but I stay stuck on the ones that are PD.
I have great health and a nice appearance and I focus on my frustrations with my natural aging.
I have a hard working husband who is mostly a joy yet, I convince myself that he isn't devoted to me.
I have all the tools in my head to create boundaries and joy - but all I feel is guilt and failure for not being able to easily:

Just a thought - I've read that in any statement, the instant you insert a "but" it creates a negative and cancels out everything that came before. Try replacing those buts and reframing them with more positive "ands" maybe. Im not saying be all Pollyanna and live in a bright shiny bubble, just that maybe more of that is needed to get us where we really want to be.

[Hopeful Spine]

I'm scare of what life will be like when a real problem appears and I'm not ready for it.

Yesterday it hit me.  I have a fear of things going south and danger to follow.  I feel I need to be ready for it.  I MUST be ready for it.  If I don't have "xyz" in place and something bad happens - it will be a disaster.  My home will go into ruins, my business will not be able to operate.  Etc.

Etc.

I have forgotten what happened 13 years ago.  After years of a stressful marriage (and life) my husband cheated on me with a prostitute, was caught, was arrested, was fired from his job, was put in jail for a short time, was about to kill himself.

I was not ready for it.  My life was not ready for it.  I remember that day clearly.  It was the day after my birthday.  I took the day off and did all my favorite things.  I stopped at the library.  I went to the movies.  I shopped a little.  I ate dinner at a place I never got to go to.  I read one of my books there before heading home and feeling refreshed and hopeful about returning to my regular stressful life.  I opened the door to my home and learned the awful news.

That was a terrible, awful, shocking, devastating experience for a person to go through.  Worse was that the situation was so humiliating I couldn't be vocal about my pain or ask for help.  I needed to hide, or be judged.

But I did not crumble.  I did not disappear.  I did not fall into ruins.

I put my head down and moved forward.  I picked my husband off the floor of hell and literally kept him alive.  I dropped him off at jail and made a list.  I calmly did all the things.  I hunkered down at my business and made all the money.  For several years - the bills were paid - by ME.  I scheduled therapy appointments.  I listened to my husband talk.  I watched him change.  I helped him grow.  I cleaned the house, fed the dogs, cut the grass.  I comforted everyone.  I looked people in the eye when they were uncomfortable and unsure of what to say.  I made meals.  I ate.  I quietly took my small joys to comfort myself.

I cried a lot then but in the chaos I was strong and in control.  I knew exactly what to do and I did it.  I felt God moving me and it was almost holy.

It took years to rebuild my marriage.  Years to support my husband in sobriety.  Even more years to come to terms with my failings in every relationship I had.

I didn't get the support I needed from family and friends then.  Even the good people failed me, simply because they didn't know what to do.  I clearly remember three people who weren't afraid to show up.  One was a real friend (love her!).  One was a stranger.  And one was a person who ultimately betrayed me right as I was feeling safe.

These last 13 years have been nothing but growth.  I gutted and rebuilt a building and grew my business.  We started my husbands business.  We moved into my dream house.  We dealt with substantial health issues, a fire, a total rebuild.  We endured a devastating family betrayal.  I took a hard look at everyone and everything and shed, shed, shed, what I knew needed to go.

Now I am free from most negative things.  Now I find myself in more beautiful surroundings.  I'm rubbing shoulders with positive, strong people.  I have a healthy marriage and a husband who is committed to sobriety and living his best life.

It hit me yesterday - there is NO WAY that I'm going to give up now!!!  I can rest here in this space a little longer.  But then it's time to find a challenge instead of waiting for one to happen to me.

I am not afraid of paint colors.
I am not going to seethe over people who have no control over me.
If a business venture is overwhelming - I'll learn what I need to learn.
If a couch doesn't work out . . . oh well!
If a haircut doesn't really suit - I'll find a freaking hat until it grows out.

If I could do what I did before, at the level I was - I can do anything.

I can do anything!!!

[Poison Ivy]

Hopeful Spine, thank you for this inspiring message. I hope you don't mind that one thing I'm taking from it is the reminder that I should credit myself for enduring and overcoming the effects of several difficult, occasionally traumatic, events in my own life.

[Hopeful Spine]

Hopeful Spine, thank you for this inspiring message. I hope you don't mind that one thing I'm taking from it is the reminder that I should credit myself for enduring and overcoming the effects of several difficult, occasionally traumatic, events in my own life.

I'm glad to provide that reminder.  Depending on your experiences I may be able to relate.

I've had friends who have serious struggles such as battling cancer or the death of their husband.  They have used these profound experiences to create HARD boundaries that completely serve them and their family. While those boundaries might seem "selfish" to an unhealed person like myself - these people have become stronger people who are now able to better serve their friends and others.  I admire them greatly as does most everyone who knows them.

Though there are many differences in all of our losses and challenges I find that I stuffed MY embarrassing, profound experience in a dark dirty little place in my heart.

They had light, love, meal trains, public fundraisers.  Maybe that sort of support fueled them and gave them space to rebuild their lives in the way that was necessary.

I had awkward glances, polite interchanges with people who I assumed prayed for me and then told all their friends they saw me.  I had those aforementioned three people (one of which I barely knew and never spoke to again) and a PAID therapist.  I was not strong enough to say, "can you make me a meal?  I don't want to face the grocery store."  "I need hope. Can you drop off a inspirational book?"  "Will you plan a fun day trip for me that is outside our area?  I need to get away."  I was certainly not proud enough put on a nice outfit, cruise into my day with the brave face of a woman transforming her newly difficult life.  I doubt I was ever welcomed with strength and admiration but more so with passing concern and pity.

So I didn't use my profound experience to live better and make changes.  During this time I was sucking up breadcrumbs of support off the floor.  I was hiding and then using all my strength to appear when I absolutely needed to.  I was making others more comfortable with how my life made them feel. 

And I never stopped.  And I grew smaller and smaller.

I recently confided in someone who had a very public and devastating loss of her husband.  As a single mom she is very well respected and regarded.  She's done great public things in the aftermath of her loss.  When I told her my story she just couldn't believe any of it.  Later she told me that yes, my story makes sense as to why I am the way I am.  She showered me with praise and love and all the right things.  I so wish that she was in my life 13 years ago, guiding me.

I've been trying to "get over" everything but in the process I've forgotten how very brave I was. 

You are too Poison Ivy!  Those who suffer quietly have no choice but to build themselves up the very best way we know how.  And that is confusing and hard.

For me, I've decide that instead of "getting over it".  I'm going to use it.

My first challenge.

I used to be a regular church-goer.  Even after my Profound Experience).  My husband, in his guilt, was wanting to be more religious about attending but then lost interest within months.  This isn't to say that I was disappointed.  I wasn't enjoying church.  We are both spiritual people.  He regularly listens to Christian music.  We attend Christian concerts.  We display Christian items in our home.  We pray often.  I real a lot of Christian material.  But getting dressed up to sit, stand and kneel through the same rituals every week wasn't connecting me to God.  Prayer groups were focused mostly on mothers.  I didn't feel much of a place in the church anyway.

During different spurts he came, but by then I was really losing interest.  Finally I was only attending on my own sporadically and was enjoying it even less.  I tried harder.  Most people of my faith say that if you aren't getting anything out of the church service then you are focusing on the wrong things.

At this point, I haven't regularly attended church since the year before Covid.  For me, an actual blessing of Covid was that churches were shut down and I was released of the guilt of not attending.  When they reopened I would occasionally attend but just this past year I've ONLY attended on Easter, Christmas and if I had a wedding or funeral. 

I've been scared to officially leave my faith and possibly disappoint many family & friends.  I am reluctant to show up in a new faith and try out a new church and meet all sorts of new people.  My husband refuses to leave the faith, yet refuses to commit to a regular attendance at our current church.  He is not supportive of my interest in finding a new church family. 

While I've been waiting for him to lead us in Christian life I've been patiently waiting.  I told myself that I was respecting my husband by not moving forward until he approves.  But that is never going to happen.  I am floundering so I'm going to move forward.

I'm doing nothing wrong by trying to find a way to grow my faith.  Our current faith is NOT the only way to heaven and eternal glory.  We both know and respect people who currently attend this new church.  It's a good church.  I've watched a few services online and I liked what I saw. 

I am not turning my back on God by leaving the old faith.  I am actually turning towards God each time I search for a positive way to share Christ's love for others.  I want a new church to lead me to others who can help me grow stronger.  So that someday I can help others in the way I once (and if I'm being honest, currently) desperately needed it.

So yesterday I dug up memories of my "Profound Experience" to say to myself, "You know what?  At your lowest point you were able to take your husband's hand, walk into that old church, endure the judgement you felt, with the knowledge that NO ONE in that church reached out to you in your time of need!  You CAN certainly put on a nice shirt, walk into a new place and say hello to the nice people and enjoy an hour listening to them talk about Jesus."

My husband won't attend and that is okay.  In fact when I invited him to go with me he told me he was going to attend our old church service at that same time (which he hadn't mentioned to me until that moment so  I suspect I will have to be assertive when he challenges me on this later. 

But I'm going to get through that conversation, try this new thing, with the full knowledge that I'm certainly strong enough to do it.