Stronger in the New Me

[Hopeful Spine]

I attended the church service . . . and it was wonderful.  Best of all was the support from my husband.  He was in a great mood on Saturday, which I assumed was because he wanted to sway me to not attend the new church.  On Sunday I woke early to get ready.  A little later he woke and also got ready.  For a brief moment I thought (hoped) that he'd decided to come with me.  But he went to his church as he said he would.

I almost changed my plan so that I could stay with my husband but in the end I decided to stick to my commitment to myself. 

After my church service we went out for lunch and he asked me if the church was crowded - didn't ask me anything else which hurt my feelings.  I soon learned that he literally didn't know what to ask me.  And I really believe that he was out of his element because once I started talking he joined in with questions and actually seemed very interested in all of it.  Very positive and happy that I felt good about it all.

The moment I walked in the door I was greeted by a pastor who noticed a new face.  He stopped what he was doing to introduce himself and welcome me.  An official greeter took over and then someone I knew hugged me and make me feel welcomed.  Soon a total stranger invited me to sit with them.  Then later my friend arrived and I joined her family.  The music was awesome and the service was informal, thought provoking, and interesting.  I told my husband later that if he'd been with me it would have felt like a date night.  It didn't feel like "church" as I've always known "church" to be.

My husband shared that he did not enjoy his church service at all, which sort of pleased me.  Not that I WANT him to have bad experiences.  I was pleased that he was being honest, pleased that he seemed open to the things I was saying.  Pleased that we had a nice conversation about Jesus and faith.  I don't know that he will join me next week but it seems more likely than ever before that he might.  I will return with happiness.


My next challenge is to deal with one of my volunteer obligations.  It's supposed to be fun but (due to my own insecurities) I struggle.  I like the idea of being involved with this organization but I can't seem to let go of nagging thoughts that I'm not qualified enough to be there in a leadership role.  The person in charge, seems to be keeping me on a leash.  I speak with her today and I've been nervous about how to move forward.

Thirteen years ago I was able to navigate a volunteer role with the lingering affects of my Profound Experience. I can certainly show up today and have an honest conversation about how I can best help.

[Hopeful Spine]

This week has been pretty great.  Aside from having trouble focusing on things I've been doing well.  Today I had to help my husband for an hour and a half.  His mother also helped and it took everything I had to not be short with her, and to hold my tongue from passive aggressively asking questions.

My husband has a tendency to run intensely when it comes to his business.  He wants things done quickly and the way he prefers.  I do "get" how he rolls.  I can be the same with my own business so I respect that to a degree.  However, today I felt he was being unnecessarily demanding to myself and his mom.  I spoke up and he didn't like it.  Long story short - it was fine and we move passed it quickly so we could get to the task at hand.  When I was trying to explain something his mother started to talk over me in her soft baby voice and basically told him that he was right and we'd do better.

EVEN THOUGH HE WAS BEING KINDA JERKY TO . . . US!

It was so irritating to speak up, deal with the expected pushback from him, move forward on equal footing, only for her to sort of ruin it.  When she didn't even have to.  He was accepting of my comment even if he didn't agree with me.  It was not a "fight".  It was not tense or ugly.  Just me speaking up, him being slightly annoyed, and her pretending that my words and feelings were irrelevant.

In the down time she complained about her husband.  Just petty comments running him down. (I forced myself to not ask if she confronted him about his behavior).  She gossiped about a family we knew and how half of their children weren't helping as they "should" during a medical issue. (I made myself say, "oh well, that's how families roll sometimes" and then change the subject.)

In another conversation she made comments about how she had to ask "the church" what their stance was on a living will before she would follow up with her doctor.  It was frustrating for me to be freeing myself of this faith only to see how tightly she clings to it.  It reminds me of the other toxic comments she makes about following this faith.

She made other comments about how her children would know what to do when a medical need would arise for her.  (My husband would have no clue.  I assure you that his siblings will all disagree and her needs will be overlooked).  She topped it all off with talking about how she wanted to be buried on the edge of the cemetery so that her children would be able to easily "see her whenever they drive down that road".  It just struck me as a very strange to care about.

My point of all this venting is to acknowledge something.  This week was a pretty nice week.  That Sunday service really put me in the right mindset and it lasted all week.  But now, I'm irritated and annoyed and off track in my planned day.  I need to get a handle on my feelings on this woman.

I wish she would realize how unpleasant it is to always mentally combat her comments.  I want her to take responsibility for her medical needs.  I want her to care more about reaching out to her children NOW instead of plotting ways that she can insert herself into their lives after her death (like literally trying to be buried along their commute).

On a positive note I was able to work my new church into a casual conversation with my parents.  They seemed a little surprised but over all supportive.  It felt good to be able to share something important with them and not feel any shame or fear of how they would react.  I want that for my husband and I hope he will join me this Sunday.

[Hopeful Spine]

Last week my husband had a meltdown because he didn't like that I was mildly upset with him.  To be fair I was being a pouty baby that day.  I was not a terrible jerk.  I was simply not my usual friendly or fun self.  I am rarely like this but I was on Sunday night.

He couldn't handle it.  Out of nowhere he had a meltdown.  Argued, accused, and interrogated me until I was forced to admit that I was WRONG to have felt the way I felt.

I asserted myself and I was strong for a long while.  But he couldn't understand that my feelings, and my behavior, were a reflect of myself.  Not something he should have taken personally.  He made it seem like I treat him terribly when in reality I very rarely act this way.

I eventually apologized for making him feel that way.  It seemed like he really needed me to say it.  I kept telling myself, "you are not terrible."  "You are allowed to have feelings".  "You are not going crazy."

Because I knew that I wasn't my best self Sunday night.  But I also knew that he had no right to react the way he did.

Worse than that, the following day when things calmed down he didn't admit that he'd over reacted.  He felt completely justified in how he handled me.  But I could tell it was very important for him to have me understand how he felt.  Somewhere in this whole saga I hit a button that pushed him to the edge in a real way.

It was scary.

The following two days he spent in bed.  He was dizzy and unable to stand without wanting to vomit. 

He doesn't realize that he used to do this all the time. 
When work situations got under his skin, pick a fight with me - call in sick, dizzy. 
When family things made him mad, pick a fight with someone (sometimes me) - tell everyone, dizzy. 
An actual fight with me - can you fetch me things, I'm dizzy.

The man refuses to admit when life is hard, acts like nothing bothers him, takes on immense stress while acting like it's no big deal.  And then blows up at me for something stupid and justifies all of it.

When I look at others, even those I love, it's hard to know what is narcissism, what is a triggered memory that makes a person explode, what is a build up of stress.

I don't want to be scared.
I don't want my feelings to be invalidated.
I don't want to pretend that I'm okay when I'm not.  Even if I occasionally act like a pouty baby.  I'm sorry, but I want to be allowed to act like a pouty baby every once in a awhile without facing extreme judgement and punishment.

When do I stand up for myself?  When do I see other peoples triggers and just back down?

Thank goodness that it's been years since I've had to deal with this.

Thank goodness that I am encouraged by the fact that he's been attending church services with me.

Thank goodness that I am now strong enough that I am able to function normally after experiencing this sort of outburst.  In the past I would have ruined most of the week trying to cope.  This time I only spent a few hours in meditation and prayer before moving on with my work.

It's been a week but weirdly - its' working with my mother-in-law this afternoon that is prompting me to post and vent.

The negativity of her words just grates on me.  Everyone she talks about she has something negative to report.  The way she stares at my husband as he's working and just smiles feels weird.  The way she tries to hog all the work to show off just makes me want to be ugly to her.  I show up when my husband needs help and she's already been there for an hour.  She's set things up they way she wants and shyly tells me that this is how my husband wants it to be.  I swear she turned off my machine too.  Husband told me that it should have been set to a specific setting and it wasn't.  He tells me I must have accidentally turned it.  I couldn't have.  But she was very quiet when I was telling him that it didn't make sense. 

She claims to "enjoy" clean up and tells me that I'm a busy person and can get back to my office. 

It's "fun" to be there.  She will say this multiple times in the course of 90 minutes and giggle when we sort of roll our eyes (it's enjoyable work but it's not "FUN")

When she leaves she lingers forever, like she's annoyed that I'm still there.  She makes a big deal of saying "love ya".  Multiple times.

She has medical needs and she's deliberately scheduled her appointments so that she can be most available to my husband.

All of it just makes me so mad.

I don't complain about this to anyone and I limit what I say to my husband.  This is where I vent.

[Hopeful Spine]

My husband finally told his mother that we are attending a different church.  Last week, after church, we ran into his parents and ended up eating lunch with them.  There were a few great opportunities to casually mention our new church but I held back because I didn't know if my husband was ready to tell them.

Thank goodness I trusted my instincts.  In my naive way I thought that I could treat them like I treated my parents.  For my parents, I slid it into a discussion and they were okay.  Curious, maybe surprised, but okay.  It was pretty easy, looking back.  I knew his parents would be harder but I still expected it to be "okay".  Especially since she is so passive.

He told her yesterday while they were working on something with his business.  And it did NOT go well.  And it certainly would have landed badly surrounded by eggs, bacon, and all the people in our small town cafe.

She tried to insist that the way to heaven was through the Catholic church.  When my husband told her some of the ways we don't believe in those teachings, she tried to change his mind on all points.  She urged him to go to a men's retreat at her church and told him it would help him.  She even told him that she would sign him up.  He refused and the conversation went in a lot of different directions on faith and family.

He reminded her of how her most religious child shunned us for seven years over his wife's irrational insistence.  And all the good Catholics in the family shrugged their shoulders and planned the next holiday gift exchange while we suffered.  For seven years.  A few weeks after it all blew up, his parents even went on a trip with them.  TO SEE THE POPE!  She said she would talk to them and try to find some understanding so a resolution could be made.  After the trip we asked how her planned conversation went and she admitted that she couldn't find a good opportunity to talk to them.  During a week-long trip, in a private rental, where they stayed most of the time when they weren't in church or waiting for the pope to cruise by.  She simply prayed away HER sadness about it and didn't face the problem.

He provided examples about how her second most religious child manipulates things so he looks good but in reality causes pain. 

He asked how she felt about us going to a different church verses how a few of her children don't go to any church.  He explained that we're trying to get closer to God by going to a new church.  She doesn't care.  She really seems happier pretending that her children are all good Catholics, instead of admitting that half don't go, and that most of them are on destructive (albeit, socially acceptable) paths.

Out of every terrible thing my husband has ever done - THIS is the thing that is breaking her enough to make her speak up.  Our positive move towards having a deeper relationship with Christ is finally making her speak out - so she can hold us back, within this church that causes us shame.

I expected my husband to be very upset about all this because he coddles and indulges her as she worships him.  I figured it might break him and he'd feel guilty for disappointing her and would be an emotional mess over it.  I was expecting him to be pulled back in after he spoke to her.  I was prepared to have to continue on this path alone.

The opposite seems to have happened.  He seems so relieved and happy.  This morning we laid in bed, joking and talking about day.  Something we never do.  He was out in his office and whistling as he went.  He's letting out feelings and we're having real conversations again.  He's saying absolutely everything I want to hear.  It's not a defiant sort of measure.  He's not clinging to this new church to rail against the family.  I believe that these past few years where he's been fighting me on trying new churches was him still holding onto hope that he had a place in his family.  Maybe he didn't want to cut that last cord and now that he has - relief.

We do not have children in a family that has many.
We do not drink in a family that drinks to excess.  Often.
We are self employed in a family that values esteemed positions, promotions and outward financial success.
And now, we are not Catholic in a family that very much is.  Even if it's an illusion.  We are no longer participating.

It is so very empowering to change something.  To take control and be accountable for your own life.  To be pleased with how it turned out and excited for the new thing.  So much better than thinking of the old and hoping it will get better.

I have spent a lot of time on here complaining about a lot of things.  Most recently my focus was on my husbands mother.  I'm not proud of that.  It gives me no pleasure to know she's unhappy.  But I am hopeful that this might make her wake up and move within her family differently (very doubtful).  Or see us as real people and not just the "illusion" she wants to show off for her extended family. 

More realistically, I want my increasingly authentic life to eventually allow me to regard her differently.  So I will feel at peace.

I am excited to see this side of my husband.  I would love it if our actions will spark some sort of positive change within this family but I'm prepared for it to get a little worse.  My husband and I used to do things to sacrifice ourselves for the family, with the hope it would get better or that we'd be accepted.  It only made us feel worse.  Doing what WE want feels good and that is going to carry us further in life.

[Hopeful Spine]

I get it.  I finally get it. 

A few days ago I learned some terrible things about my sister.  That information, paired with her life-long history of always being sketchy and selfish is making it real hard for me to move on. 

I used to sort of blame my parents for being unsupportive and rigid.  I'm wondering now if many years of my sister acting out, resisting punishment, being selfish wore them down.  She was always in trouble, always failing to do her part, always stealing, causing minor destruction.  My parents were always getting calls from the school.

They got her through school and did their best.  She probably should have been in therapy but people in our small town didn't do that sort of thing back them.  I blamed my parents for that.

My sister left town to go on a religious retreat.  Only it was a lie and she really just moved in with a terrible guy a few states over.  She met him online, lied to get away and stay with him until his sketchy death a few years ago.  At the time my parents tried to get her back and failed.  She was an adult and then she was pregnant.  I blamed them for not doing enough.

Even though my sister was always troublesome, when she went away it was hard on the family.  It felt like a real failure to have a sister that never came around.  But slowly peace grew.  It took awhile but I started to see fun sides to my parents.  I still struggle with my mom but for the most part I enjoyed them and in adulthood found a joyful and supportive relationship.

My sister returned a few years ago and it was hard to navigate those waters but it seemed like a blessing.  Finally she would be safe and her children would flourish!  We could all heal.  I found myself impressed with how my parents handled themselves.  I was surprised at the level of forgiveness they had.  They simply moved forward as if she was deserving of all their support.  I was surprised by how they tolerated their special needs grandchildren.  It felt good for our family to have this opportunity.

I was not surprised when the "honeymoon phase" of these new relationships waned.  But overall - it felt like everyone was doing the best they could.

But my sister is now getting REAL comfortable in the cushy place my parents have allowed her to land.  Fearing she could not find a reputable apartment to rent - they purchased a perfect little house and fixed it up for her.  Dad and my brother redid the kitchen.  My husband helped.  Mom and I scrubbed it clean and added nice touches.  In addition to her government supplied disability checks, they make sure she has money.  They take care of her special needs children when asked, and they do way more than they need to at their age.

She never properly thanks them.  She doesn't take care of the home she was gifted.  She had an emergency and I had to spend the night that that cute little house.  I opted to not use the bathroom, change into pajamas or remove my shoes until I finally slept.  It's littered and filthy.  And I learned some troubling things about her while I was there.

And I can not stop thinking about all of it.  I suspect, now, that this is how my parents survived.  Keeping quiet, thinking about things, trying to work out a solution, smiling less and not wanting to do anything else until it was solved.  There was no time for joy and that was my childhood.

My heart breaks for them.

I want to stop having these issues.  I want to be free from feelings of responsibility.  I want to protect my parents.  I want to have wisdom regarding this troubling information. 

My life is stalling as I process my feelings about everything.  This issue with my sister is just the most recent thing.  I've been tired.  The balance of my marriage, the absolute struggles of dealing with his toxic family, my concerns for my parents, trying to figure out who my real friends are, navigating how to set boundaries with all my relationships, feeling like a failure when I can't.  Trying to build healthy self esteem when my aging body and mind fails me.  And now, trying to find compassion and love for a sister, when she proves to not deserve it.

When will it end - all these challenges and struggles?

I'm barely doing my work, I'm skating by and only doing the bare minimum for the people I have promised to do things for committee work.  I don't even find joy in the side things I do for fun.  I'm forcing myself to do the very bare minimum to still be involved.  I'm only answering texts when I want to, sometimes days later.  I mindlessly scroll on social media.

I'm sick of it.  My husband is leaving for the weekend and I'm very happy.  I need a few days to myself to just stop and sort things out.  I need a few nights alone to truly relax and be still.  I WILL find peace.  I will NOT let life beat me down when I have so very many beautiful things in it.