NPD Mom getting a divorce

InvisibleDaughter · October 25, 2023, 12:24:07 PM

My NPD Mom reached out to me, apparently she's getting a divorce next month. We have been no contact the past 3 months because her last interaction with me was just plain mean.

I guess her hubby has been giving his kids (he has 3) really big financial gifts. He'll spend thousands on Christmas. In the meantime my Mom & I don't even exchange gifts. She's upset that he won't cut back on his spending. He lied to her and she's worried he's using her for $.

They went to counseling and her husband brought up my marriage and how I forgave my husband for lying and being an addict. I guess he also mentioned how we don't have a relationship making her look like the problem.

I know with her husband in the picture she didn't want to deal with me at all. Today she's telling me how much she misses me and crying. I don't know what to believe.

Sneezy · October 25, 2023, 12:51:18 PM

Quote from: InvisibleDaughter on October 25, 2023, 12:24:07 PMI know with her husband in the picture she didn't want to deal with me at all. Today she's telling me how much she misses me and crying. I don't know what to believe.

It sounds like you are your mom's backup plan. That's how my mom has always been. When there is a man in the picture, he gets 100% of her attention. I don't hear from her. If I call her, she is rude and can't wait to get off the phone and back to her latest man. But, when there is no man in the picture, mom is waify and needy and I get phone call after phone call pleading with me to call her because she needs me.

Stick to your boundaries. Don't let your mom's current neediness pull you back into a situation you don't want to be in. And try (it's so hard) not to JADE. You don't need to explain your decisions to your mom. Your marriage is your business and has no bearing on your mom or her current situation.

moglow · October 25, 2023, 01:04:59 PM

With all due to you, IDaughter, please remember that NONE of her shite is any of yours. You know by now that what she told you about him may or may not be truth, it may just the truth she's rewritten for now. His spending is his business, except I bet it bites into what she considered her territory and that she should control it all by eliminating others. That situation is used as a "But I don't do that so it's all your fault!" defense.

Your canned response if any? I'm sorry to hear that. Because you *are* - you don't wish pain or misery on anyone, whether her or anyone else. Beyond that? Not really your stuff is it.

QuoteThat's how my mom has always been. When there is a man in the picture, he gets 100% of her attention. I don't hear from her. If I call her, she is rude and can't wait to get off the phone and back to her latest man. But, when there is no man in the picture, mom is waify and needy and I get phone call after phone call pleading with me to call her because she needs me.

Only she doesn't need or want *me* - she just needs that void filled and she remembered I exist? Then goes silent again when she finds another "friend" who's more likely to play along? Yeah that.

Here's a question you could ask yourself: Why is she suddenly crying and missing you - What if anything did she have to do with you while married to him? She thinking she can paste that big ole target back on you since he's gone? NOPE!

treesgrowslowly · October 26, 2023, 07:52:04 AM

I can relate. My NPD mother would forget about me for stretches, and then all of a sudden she would need someone with empathy and sympathy for her - and then she was back...looking to see if I'd supply it.

The narc mother makes the invisible daughter into the confused daughter whenever she feels like it. When the narc mother needs sympathy, she goes to her invisible daughter to get it. I know this routine well.

My advice is to really think about why you went NC, and were her patterns with you. There's a reason she made you feel invisible and those reasons have not gone away just because she's going through a divorce. Her personality hasn't changed - just her marital status has.

Trees

lkdrymom · October 26, 2023, 01:24:16 PM

I have a life long friend like this. When she has a man, I don't exist. When she is single she has time for me. You are Plan B. Don't fall for it

Cat of the Canals · October 26, 2023, 02:14:02 PM

Quote from: moglow on October 25, 2023, 01:04:59 PMOnly she doesn't need or want *me* - she just needs that void filled and she remembered I exist?

Realizing this is when I could first truly appreciate the phrase "any port in a storm." Because that void isn't picky. It'll take anyone. And it's just as happy to shove you aside when someone newer and shinier comes along.

sunshine702 · March 03, 2024, 02:58:46 PM

I recently heard Dr Ramani tell Podcaster Mel "A Narc will only think of you when they WANT something - sort of how you only think of your kettle when you want tea. They think of you like an object not a person too.

blacksheep7 · March 04, 2024, 11:42:27 AM

I'm not saying that your M is not hurting but is gladly uses this situation to play the victim and lovebomb you....to get you back.

My own did the same because she was a widow. I broke nc to finally go back. Seven years now, no regrets.

As others said, think of why you went nc in the first place.

Stay strong