Rebuilt trust with enabling Mum only to have it broken at hardest time

[anonhand]

I feel very let down. I had a pretty good run where I started to feel closer to my (enabling) Mum again and she's been pretty supportive through some ongoing issues with my son's health and a potential (life altering and traumatic) possible misdiagnosis and hospital complaint. I'm very LC with my Dad and my parents are still together and very enmeshed.

Back story - Earlier this year, I shared my son's autism diagnosis with my parents and my Dad texted saying the diagnosis was incorrect and I just don't understand boys (he's never met my son btw). Then when I explained all the reasons that the diagnosis is correct he emailed to say he'd cancelled the delivery of my birthday present. We've been LC ever since. My son was premature and has complex health issues and my Dad's emotional takeovers just got too much.

I wanted to share the stress with my son's health with my Mum because I do really value her support but I told my Mum that if I did share my choice would be for her to not share my son's medical information with my Dad, but I know I can't control it. However, I said that if she chose to and he says something hurtful, it would likely make things between all of us worse. She's been keeping my information private and we've rebuilt our relationship until now... right in the middle of a highly stressful time where my son has an assessment for a second opinion of this diagnosis next week (we've been waiting almost all year) and I'm really struggling.

My Dad sent me an email to give his 2 cents, I haven't opened it yet.

In an email my Mum said that she decided to tell him what was going on with me to make him feel better because he expressed how sad he was at being LC (this was after his explosion and stonewalling) by saying it was because I has all this going on. NOT because it's a consequence of how he treats me. She then threw in a guilt trip to me saying that they are getting old and her wish is for her family to have loving and open communication again in the time they have left.

The idea of having open and loving communication is unrealistic and laughable - our dynamic has always been that HE speaks freely and teases, bullies, dismisses as much as he wants and we all stay quiet for the sake of the relationships.

Anyway advice on whether to reply to my Mum and or Dad and how is much appreciated. I honestly am crumbling under the weight of it all.

[moglow]

My first thought is to not respond to your mother. Nothing good will come out of anything you could say. She's shown you that appeasing him is her priority, that's good information to remember going forward. Or very simply reply: I trusted you, mother. I needed your support and believed you would honor my request. That you shared it anyway is more disappointing than you can imagine.

I'd have to read dad's email, even if only to shore up my own wall of silence. What I wouldn't do going forward? Discuss anything with them that has potential to be flung back in my face later. My health, my son's health, work, school, finances ... It's fine. We're fine. Works fine. No news, nothing you want to share. If you don't share it, their opinions can't be shoved at you. You seem quiet? Yes. Is anything wrong? No. You don't have to explain or elaborate on anything. Gray rock the hell out of it.

I'm sorry this happened.

[notrightinthehead]

Yes to all Moglow has written and to add, put all the effort you can spare in building a support network. Friends, people with similar problems like you might find in Alanon, other mothers...go out and find people you can share with, so that you don't need your mother and you still have someone to lean on. You need support and you can find trustworthy people out there.

[Leonor]

Hello Anonhand!

I'm so sorry that your mom has, once again, disappointed you. As you say, she is enmeshed with your father. She is unable to challenge him. It can be so hard to let go of the "toxic hope" that she will, one day, choose you over him, but that hope is crushed time and again, because it's a fantasy. 

Mothering without a mom is excruciatingly painful, especially when you just want a loving wise momma to embrace you and love your little baby to distraction and reassure you that you are doing a wonderful job, and help when you are stressed or frazzled or worried. I am sorry that your mom cannot do that for you.

As for your father, well, unless you need more evidence of how unsupportive and misogynistic he is, I'd delete the email. Actually, I'd probably read it knowing full well I shouldn't for my own mental health, tbh. Be gentle with you, either way.

I don't see how a reply to either your mom or your dad will accomplish anything but keep you mentally and emotionally hooked into them rather than turn your mind and heart towards your son and the womderful community of neuro-divergent children and their warm, articulate, and loving families.

When you're from a devaluing, emotionally violent family, having something "wrong with" or "different about" you is terrifying. You're panicked that the adults will punish you as at fault and the rest of the world will shun you as defective. Or you're crushed with guilt: I swore to do things differently, and yet I have a child with a disability. Was it something I said / did / didn't do? Did I eat enough folic acid? Should I have stopped taking my antianxiety meds? Was it because I had postpartum depression? Fed my baby with a bottle? On and on. It's all a trauma response: "my fault my fault my fault."


Anonhand, as the mom of a neuro-divergent kid, I understand the anxiety around mothering a child with special needs and a way of relating to you and the world who may require extra support and effort. Explanations. Patience. Acceptance. Advocacy. And yes, there is an ache that autistic kids are less likely to throw their arms around you, snuggle into your lap, hold your hand in the street ... All of those little moments of affection and connection that make all the long nights and draining days suddenly, brilliantly "worth it."

But that's not to say there is no joy in mothering a child on the spectrum. When I am anxious about his future, I learn to let go. When I am frustrated with how he is treated, I find my voice. When he is driving me crazy with tics, I stretch into my patience. When I am aching for a connection, I experience unconditional love.

Anonhand, we know so much more about autism these days, and the community of people and parents is active, articulate, accepting. Many more young autistic adults are sharing their experiences with warmth, even with humor.

Start by checking out Autism Speaks. Find your people. You and your baby (no matter how big!) deserve a real family.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Anonhand,

Your dad's text saying that a child he's never met can't possibly have autism, and that you just don't understand boys is as shaming as it gets.

For my 2 cents, I deleted unread emails from my PD parent.

Trees

[anonhand]

Thank you so much for your helpful replies so far!

I realized that my original post wasn't very clear that the latest diagnosis (or hopefully misdiagnosis) is not autism but something different and more serious - a life long disability related to a birth brain injury. This is why I'm under so much stress worrying about whether it will be confirmed. And why I really didn't want it shared with my Dad because he's proven that he isn't entitled to be involved at times like this.

Leonor, your comments are amazing and I share all of your values around neurodivergence and I'm ND myself. I embrace my son's autism fully and hope to be a good role model to him for advocating and self acceptance. If you'd like to DM, it sounds like we have a lot in common in our families!

[Leonor]

Oh Anonhand, I'm so sorry I misunderstood your post; and that your parents aren't willing to support you during what must be among the most painful, distressing days of your mommy-hood.

Well be thinking of you and your beautiful son in the days ahead, and hoping for much health and wellness to you and your lovely family!

 

[anonhand]

Leonor, no need to apologize at all! My post was a bit disjointed and not super clear and your advice was very kind and also still spot on about parenting without the support of your own mother. Thanks so much for your comments!