Apart under one roof

[thedoghousedweller]

I haven't posted in a while but sense the need to get this off my chest.  I now have a housemate.   While technically, the uSPDw is my wife, I now realize that I shouldn't ever wish that things go back to the way they were.

I realize that it was all a charade.  Schizoids are skilled at that.  She resented me for my professional successes.  She resented me for my faults. She just wanted to be financially stable and to not have to work.

Now that the kids are gone, the mask is off.  She moved to a different bedroom and indicated she dislikes it when I work from home.    I cook my own meals, do my own shopping,  go to church alone,  watch movies alone etc.

In a way, I have more freedom.   I rarely tell her where I am going when I leave the house because she doesn't care.  I can sleep whenever I want. I can choose whatever social schedule I want because she hates being around any of my friends or family.   (She has no friends and has isolated herself from all family except our kids.)

Nobody I know has dealt with a schizoid like this though my defense is the same for spouses of other PDs.  I don't argue and no longer engage. 

I don't love the life I have now but now see it's manageable.   It was stunning to me to hear an old song on the radio the other day about an angry wife that I embraced when it first came out and listened to for consolation.   I looked it up to see that it was released 22 years ago!  That meant that I have had a rough relationship with SPDw for a really long time.   

I don't have a solution other than to explore my newfound freedom.   Divorce is not an option,  neither is infidelity.   But at least I can embrace the freedom of limited obligations.

DHD

[notrightinthehead]

Embracing and exploring your newfound freedom sounds perfectly good and sane to me. You might find activities and people that give you great joy.

[square]

That sounds quite lonely, but it's also a relief that you can live your own life. Sorry to hear you are carrying this burden.

[Mary]

Congratulations on taking healthy steps toward freedom! Enjoy!
Mary

[Cascade]

I can relate to most of what you have written, I too have a roommate instead of a spouse. It can be lonely at times, as we rarely do things together or have much conversation at all. I'm thankful for fulfilling hobbies, close relationships with our adult children, and God who is ever present.

[sunshine702]

Raises hand.  Today I have a job possibility my job right now will match it — this is good news but instead I feel completely alone - partner less.  Again I brought something up "wrong".  I always bring things up "wrong" and "lie".  I also feel completely alone in my relationship. 

[Cascade]

Sunshine, maybe you should take that new job as a chance for a new start for you.

[Tryingtounderstand]

Sorry you're going through this. Its hard when someone you genuinely love is a complete stranger to you. You want to reach out in a kind way with the expectation of resolving an issue but your gut tell you its a waste of time. This is how i feel. You feel powerless and defeated. Sometimes i wish i had as much empathy as they do because i wouldn't be sad. You feel sad for yourself as well as them.

Dr. Ramani's book will probably make the ny times best seller soon. It is the only book written with help navigating these painful relationships instead of a focus of demonizing the individual for their illness.

[sunshine702]

I have been watching all of Ramani's  interviews with other big podcasters lately - Sort of a press tour on YouTube and DANG is it good.  My mom is a Narc and my partner is BPD avoidant. And boy does she NAIL it!!

I stayed at my old job - which now offered me benefits.  It's safe.  I have too many balls up in the air that could crash horribly. New town, no friends, I don't really know all the local stuff in the tourist part yet, his family being mean at times. I just don't feel comfortable taking a bigger more scrutinized job right now.  In the future if I leave I will reach back out to the other job.  Or maybe move over to the REAL city and hour a way.

[1footouttadefog]

I understand the separate in same house.  I live like that and have for a very long time.

I have been pdHs legal guardian and care taker for years.i was parentified decades ago and that is the entirety of our relationship.

A whole back I had a melt down day emotionally.  I took time to sort my feelings while doing some intensive heavy labor.  I came to the conclusion that I am not indeed married. 

I have a legal relationship, but in every every other measure it is not a marriage.  I don't want to be celibate for the rest of my life.  20 years is enough.  I will continue to take care of my adult child, and will hopefully find a path forward. 

In the meantime I make no changes and seek clarity. 

[Cascade]

1foot, I have often thought to myself that I didn't feel like I was married. It's a lonely road at times.