Recently had lightbulb moment and as yet unsure about the future..

[newlyawakened]

Hello,

I'm new to this forum and have been reading & digesting many of the posts over the last few days.

I liked one post from SoT in particular that was a very aptly written comparison to the predicament facing many of us here.

Think of it again from the fishing analogy.  She casts her well designed lure of criticism in the water, lurking around your favorite spot to catch the lunker she knows is there, and you don't take the bait. She continually casts that lurid lure right on the money, but as the smart fish has learned, having been caught before with that same bait, he now moves behind the boundary cover of branches and rocks for peace and safety and when he does, she gets that well designed lure snagged in the boundary branches or under a rock and it becomes frustrating for the bait-lady as the fish is outsmarting her. 

Does she pack it in and go home or elsewhere?  Maybe for that day, but she has her mind now set harder on catching that trophy and she will be back to cast again.  The fish has always got to be smart and use the boundaries well in their design, as she will cast from many angles.  The fish will learn to come out and eat when the casting stops, but he's always got to be on guard. 

This fish (myself) has recently had the lighbulb moment after a several individual therapy sessions, when the therapist outright said that its wife has uBPD. While searching up on BPD, the fish came upon this fountain of knowledge, so to speak. It is doing its best to avoid the bait with the help of its new found knowledge. It feels sad wondering how different & less painful its life of over 20 years with the uBPDw would have been had it come across this fountain earlier. However it feels some comfort to know that it is not alone in the lake, while hitherto for two decades it had assumed that it was the only one in the world in such a predicament. How would it begin to even explain to anyone the bad experiences it has had in closed spaces? The bad memories and self-reflection that came from therapy sessions were exhausting enough. At this point it is very unsure what the future will hold - on the one hand its instinct is to not rock the boat given there are many good memories enmeshed with bad ones and it feels if it managed through the unknown darkness for 2 decades, it can manage the future armed with better knowledge & tools . On the other hand as it practices new methods to avoid the bait, it is getting more emotionally distant from uBPDw and that seems to be a difficult juggle between loving unconditionally & emotional shielding. Hoping for a new dawn to emerge from the emotional turmoil.

[moglow]

Post posted. Test passed. Welcome! 

[notrightinthehead]

A warm welcome from me too! Looking forward to you sharing your new experiences with us.

[newlyawakened]

Well I could not avoid the bait today. I avoided several over the last week, but this bait came at a very innocuous moment when my guard was completely down. In many ways I feel like my uBPDw shelves away all the small faults over the last few weeks and is waiting for the perfect moment to split/rage. When she finally did I was a captive audience as it happened during a hour long car drive with me driving. I got into a reflex response of JADE but quickly realized and fell back on No JADE. But it seemed to increase her rage as she felt I was ignoring her.

It was very bad and very hurtful. I tried hard to use my emotional shield but the shield was penetrated. I feel totally lost and confused. Hoping to somehow regain the strength to move on. No matter how many hundreds of times I have faced this it is very difficult when I go through it. How do I get back to MC from here?

[SonofThunder]

"When she finally did I was a captive audience as it happened during a hour long car drive with me driving."

#motiveiseverything

That is a tool to remember.  'captive audience' is planned drama by the PD, so expect it every time, when 'escape' is limited by the scenario. Think about the animal kingdom and how this tactic is used to feed.

Cars, hotel rooms, restaurant dinner table and so many other 'captive' places where a PD can toss the abuse-bait into your 3-sided corner with the PD waiting at the only way out. 

Imo, MC only requires you to reset yourself.  I'm going to guess that your PD will reset very fast after abuse of you, yet you mentally hang on to the past episode longer, even to the point on occasion, the PD says "newlyawakened! Whats wrong with you??  That was yesterday (or this morning haha), so get over it!" and your head is still swirling in the circular drama pond in which you swim.

Imo its hard for a nonPD to file past abuse episodes quickly away like the PD does so very well.  Imo, its our caretaking traits that mentally hang on and the PD will use our inability to reset to keep tossing bait at a cornered fish whose lip is still bleeding from the last hook.  In these times where we need a reset, you can try to remember that your spouse will reset quickly. Knowing your PD's ability to move-on and reset for the next round of baited abuse will be fast, practice telling yourself its ok for you also to mentally quickly and return to the toolbox tools of MC and noJADE.  Its hard, but practice assists over time and it will also condition your PD that resetting quickly is a new thing with you. 

*Experience Tip:

Boundaries are protective layers that we nons use to dictate what actions/reactions we will use to self protect. Layers (boundaries) can also be physical boundaries. If words are the lure being tossed, and you are in a 'captive' place thats suitable, invest in a pair of high quality (easily visible to the PD) over-ear noise cancelling headphones such as the Bose over-ear models.

In the captive car(for example), wear them by default. The headphones add a physical boundary layer that the PD must disrupt to verbally bait you. Its actually a deterrent to some PD baiting episodes altogether. It is also a very clear mental indicator for you that when the PD asks for the headphones to come off and be put on hold while they speak, the %'s are high that its going to be PD drama bait. That extra physical step buys extra seconds for you to mentally toolbox-ready yourself, as you take the time to take off & turn off devices. 

That physical boundary worked very well for me over the years. An extra bonus, is the Bose models (I still use the Bose 35's) sound awesome, do a very good job of silencing noise and allow me the mental layer-bubble in which to hang out, which has a calming effect. 

SoT

[Boat Babe]

I have learnt to NEVER get in a car with a PD person if I can help it. You are totally trapped when they unleash emotional hell on you and a lot of them also drive like maniacs. I am really sorry that you find yourself in this predicament but you are also definitely in the right place for validation, support and information. All the best to you as you come Out of the FOG.

[newlyawakened]

Thank you user, SoT, Boat Babe for the insights, advice and support.

Update: less than 24 hours later my uBPDw has moved on alright. Cheerfully talking to friends on the phone. Meanwhile yours truly had a miserable day all of yesterday, unable to focus in meetings and a disturbed sleep, as if hit by a stun gun and recovering. Last night they told me this is it we are separating, and I said I have no energy or mental frame to discuss lets talk in the morning. By morning that changed to living like roommates. By noon she forgot and was asking hubby for something she needs. I'm sure tomorrow will be different. The scapegoat meanwhile is picking up the threads of what remains of his shattered ego, and moving forward.

[StuckJo]

Hello,

I'm new to this forum and have been reading & digesting many of the posts over the last few days.

I liked one post from SoT in particular that was a very aptly written comparison to the predicament facing many of us here.

Think of it again from the fishing analogy.  She casts her well designed lure of criticism in the water, lurking around your favorite spot to catch the lunker she knows is there, and you don't take the bait. She continually casts that lurid lure right on the money, but as the smart fish has learned, having been caught before with that same bait, he now moves behind the boundary cover of branches and rocks for peace and safety and when he does, she gets that well designed lure snagged in the boundary branches or under a rock and it becomes frustrating for the bait-lady as the fish is outsmarting her. 

Does she pack it in and go home or elsewhere?  Maybe for that day, but she has her mind now set harder on catching that trophy and she will be back to cast again.  The fish has always got to be smart and use the boundaries well in their design, as she will cast from many angles.  The fish will learn to come out and eat when the casting stops, but he's always got to be on guard.

This fish (myself) has recently had the lighbulb moment after a several individual therapy sessions, when the therapist outright said that its wife has uBPD. While searching up on BPD, the fish came upon this fountain of knowledge, so to speak. It is doing its best to avoid the bait with the help of its new found knowledge. It feels sad wondering how different & less painful its life of over 20 years with the uBPDw would have been had it come across this fountain earlier. However it feels some comfort to know that it is not alone in the lake, while hitherto for two decades it had assumed that it was the only one in the world in such a predicament. How would it begin to even explain to anyone the bad experiences it has had in closed spaces? The bad memories and self-reflection that came from therapy sessions were exhausting enough. At this point it is very unsure what the future will hold - on the one hand its instinct is to not rock the boat given there are many good memories enmeshed with bad ones and it feels if it managed through the unknown darkness for 2 decades, it can manage the future armed with better knowledge & tools . On the other hand as it practices new methods to avoid the bait, it is getting more emotionally distant from uBPDw and that seems to be a difficult juggle between loving unconditionally & emotional shielding. Hoping for a new dawn to emerge from the emotional turmoil.