Tired and confused

[MmFelizia]

I'm going to try to cram as much as I can into a short summary. I've been married for 16 years to a person I've come to feel is uPD. I was 16 years when we got married so I feel like that played a great part in why I married this person.  From before we got married my partner already had a drug addiction, which was a huge red flag already, but what did I know.  Well, for 16 years it's been an issue.  He's gone on binges, skipped work, we're always suffering financially because once we start doing ok, because he might clean up for 6 months, all he'll breaks loose and we start spiraling again.  At certain points in our marriage, I made some very bad choices to seek either revenge for what I felt he was putting ne through or tried channeling my trauma and depression (which I feel comes from the way he's treated me and neglected me from the start) by having an affair.  This is something that I have not done in about 4 years, when he found out, and I have committed to never do again.  Please, I'm not here to be judged for what I did, I've since repented for my actions and I live every moment sorry for the things I did.
Fast forward to today, my undPD has been worse off since he discovered my faults.    Lately, he stopped going to work almost 2 weeks ago, because he's on a binge, and anytime I try to confront him.about it, it becomes a huge discussion lasting 2 or 3 hours at the least, where he brings up everything that I do wrong, examples being: how I'm always worried he's not at work and I'm checking on him, how I'm always worried we won't have enough money at a moments notice because he stops working sometimes, how I battle depression (which I think is because of him), etc.  And then he says that I'm not honest with him, and that I deny everytime he confronts me about my mistakes.  Maybe I do do that, because years of emotional abuse will do that to a person.    But he waits until he's not been to work for 2 weeks, and when I panic and confront him about it, the whole conversation flips, and by the end, it's all about what I do wrong  I just feel like I don't know how to function, shouldn't I be able to say, "Hey, you're being stupid and need to stop neglecting your families financial needs" without it being about how I make his life miserable?  Ove tried to leave, but come back.  Because I'm stuck on this stupid idea that our kids need to be in a home with their mom and dad.  That's why I'm here.  And because I'm financially dependent on him.    But I don't like him.  Don't want to be with him, but don't know how to get out. And sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy, I use to have friends, but don't really anymore because I'm sure they all got tired of hearing about this all, while I sit by and nothing happens.  But I get so tired and depressed about it all.

[blunk]

Welcome MmFelizia. I'm so sorry, it sounds like you are in a very difficult situation.

If you have not already I would suggest looking through the tabs at the top of the page. There is a lot of great information on how to handle some of the situations in which you seem to find yourself. There are also resources to help you plan for your future if you do decide to leave. additionally, there is a lot to be learned from the members here, and they will offer their support without judgement.

I was similar in age when I met my BPDxh. I was 21 when we married, and we divorced after just over 16 years, so I can definitely relate. Fortunately, we did not have any children, as I have come to understand from reading here, that can complicate matters exponentially. I wish you all the best in navigating your situation, and I look forward to hearing more of your story when you feel ready.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have found a good place.
In addition to what has already been written above, I suggest you find out if there are Alanon or CoDA meetings in your area. Since you have few friends you might benefit greatly from real life support.