The Execution - How did you do it?

[clarityneeded]

I am amazed at myself and how far I've come but I still have one giant leap to take. The papers are ready, the parenting plan is drafted. I will have to pay him maintenance for almost 10+ years and I am planning to give him my equity in the house.

All I need now is to tell him and to try to get him to sign and I feel so lost and stuck. I also get so many feelings of FOG...especially the guilt. I know I cannot save him. He is the only one that can save himself.

How did you execute? I need the good, the bad, the ugly. 

ETA - we have two kids aged 10 & 16 so no contact is not possible

[Poison Ivy]

Hi. Do you have a lawyer? That person would be able to help with things like providing notice to your spouse and making sure that you're not giving up too much (maintenance, assets, time and money for the children) in the divorce.

[clarityneeded]

Yes I do. My options are hiring a process server to bring the papers to him (he for the most part never leaves the house) or trying to give them to him myself.

[SonofThunder]

Hi. Do you have a lawyer? That person would be able to help with things like providing notice to your spouse and making sure that you're not giving up too much (maintenance, assets, time and money for the children) in the divorce.

Each situation is different and the third party, private legal counsel can advise accordingly, catered to your specific needs.  What I did in departure, may be irrelevant or even a terrible example for you/your situation. 

Wishing you strength, courage and determination to follow through. Its a difficult and steady journey of turning unknowns to knowns, but I encourage you to take that step boldly, if your heart desires to escape the high walls of the cult-compound of an abusive marriage.

Time will indeed do its wonderful workings, but the clock doesn't start until you face your fears and climb over the wall and out.

SoT

[Poison Ivy]

I suggest hiring a process server. Doing so will put physical and emotional space between your spouse and you at the time of service, and it is generally preferred from a legal standpoint (if there are problems with the service, it's better to have someone who isn't a party be available to testify or provide a statement regarding the issues).

[IsleOfSong]

All I need now is to tell him and to try to get him to sign and I feel so lost and stuck.

Can you clarify something — is he completely unaware of all the work you've done? In other words, will this be the first he's hearing of you wanting to divorce him? If he *is* aware, based on all the prep you've hammered out, I would imagine he'd be mentally prepared for the reality of it. But then again, narcs are gonna narc...

[clarityneeded]

All I need now is to tell him and to try to get him to sign and I feel so lost and stuck.

Can you clarify something — is he completely unaware of all the work you've done? In other words, will this be the first he's hearing of you wanting to divorce him? If he *is* aware, based on all the prep you've hammered out, I would imagine he'd be mentally prepared for the reality of it. But then again, narcs are gonna narc...

I had a conversation with him in June and that was the last we had a conversation about my leaving etc.  as I realized it was never going to be productive. So I do imagine he is in denial and this will be a huge blow.

[clarityneeded]

Each situation is different and the third party, private legal counsel can advise accordingly, catered to your specific needs.  What I did in departure, may be irrelevant or even a terrible example for you/your situation. 

Wishing you strength, courage and determination to follow through. Its a difficult and steady journey of turning unknowns to knowns, but I encourage you to take that step boldly, if your heart desires to escape the high walls of the cult-compound of an abusive marriage.

Time will indeed do its wonderful workings, but the clock doesn't start until you face your fears and climb over the wall and out.

SoT
[/quote]

I am closer than ever to starting that clock but have moments of paralyzing fear. I won't know what I'm going to face until I do face it, you're right.

[Poison Ivy]

I told my husband by phone (he had left me to become his parents' full-time caregiver a few years earlier and came to our family house only a few times per year) and had him served by someone in the county where he resided with his parents. (I think the process server was an employee of the sheriff's department.) This went about as well as it could have.

[SonofThunder]

I am closer than ever to starting that clock but have moments of paralyzing fear. I won't know what I'm going to face until I do face it, you're right.

It will not get any easier to face and PD's are skilled in using time and situational manipulation to make it more fearful and more difficult. Imo, your husband being in denial, therefore not proactive in making leaving more fearful and difficult at this time is your current advantage. I recommend you not lose your advantage because of your fear and the clock not yet moving. In addition, other situations outside can arise on their own, creating difficulty for you.  It seems the time may be right for a pre-counseled escape.   

Consider getting that professional counsel asap and step off on the inevitably difficult journey. You can do this! You are not alone!  Many of here have-been or are-currently over the wall, steadily turning unknowns to knowns with the time clock rolling. I am one of those on the trail ahead of you, separated and moving steadily (albeit slowly) to divorce. 

Gather your go-bag full of courage and move forward.  Your husband is an adult. He has lived without you pre-marriage and will do it again.  In these difficult times, stay focused on your own needs and let him adult his own.

Its probably your nature to be a giving caretaker of him and/or others, but your mental and physical energies and assets need to be conserved and refocused only on yourself and your needs, in order to escape asap while the advantage is yours.  Its necessary and right to focus on only yourself in the journey, as you are currently needing to detach from a long-feeding parasite who has been debilitatingly sucking your time, energies and assets for selfish motives. 

I will be prayerfully thinking about you. Start that clock despite the existing fear.. face it and start converting to knowns. 

SoT

[losingmyself]

I had the divorce petition prepared, and left it on the coffee table, and moved in with my sister until he moved out. I haven't said a word to him or his family since before I did that.  That was the best thing for me to do. I spent almost a year preparing. He had no idea. Although he pushed back against my GR. Until he got used to it, then just gave up.

[clarityneeded]

I had the divorce petition prepared, and left it on the coffee table, and moved in with my sister until he moved out. I haven't said a word to him or his family since before I did that.  That was the best thing for me to do. I spent almost a year preparing. He had no idea. Although he pushed back against my GR. Until he got used to it, then just gave up.

Thank you for sharing and I commend your strength! I've realized it's so much harder when there are kiddos involved.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I had mentioned divorce a few times during arguments.

Then, I convinced him to let me go to a session with him and therapist - I had gone to sessions with them in the past.

I told him within 5 minutes, asked him to move out of the bedroom, then left.  His therapist was shocked - she thought I was coming to try and "save" the marriage.  Right.....

This was years in the making - so very difficult.

As mentioned, we each have our own path.  This was the safest way for me.