He gets it from his mom!

[sunshine702]

I suddenly see my husband's very frustrating arguing behavior with me through his mother.  She does the exact same thing!

We moved back home a year ago so I am just now really getting to know them and them me.

Growing up with a Narc mom I have  a great need for being validated and heard and it drives me bonkers when my husband always seem to take the other person's perspective in any story I am telling.  It really is a sore spot and something we argue about often. I feel he does not have my back.

So there was sort of a dangerous/ scary situation at work but something that is very nuanced as we can not go around accusing and get the cops involved without good evidence. 

So I was telling the story to his mom and later to my husband.  There are multiple solutions/ ideas/ things to consider and they BOTH immediately told me that I should have called the cops because the manager said so then both immediately discounted me and my judgements and feelings and left me feeling really crappy and really not supported.  I see now he gets it from his mom!!

On small things I don't mind seeing another perspective but on big scary things like my job I want to be comforted!!  I am currently reading about Attachment Theory and we are a big product of our families. 

[bloomie]

sunshine702 - I am really sorry something so scary happened at work! And that neither your H or your mil could set aside the need to voice their opinion and simply listen and support you. That kind of response compounds an already stressful experience!

Would it be clearer to these two, or at least with your H, if you began the time of sharing with something like: "I'm not looking for advice right now, but need to process this without judgement. I am looking to be heard and supported. Will you offer that to me?"

This would be a way to begin to show them who you are, how you communicate, what is valuable and helpful to you in difficulties. How they respond would be informative and possibly help you know if it is productive and beneficial for you to share certain things with any depth going forward.

[nanotech]

I do recognise this from my parents.
My parents would always take the other side and provide their own 'solution' while implying or even directly stating blame toward me for doing something else or not acting.
 Don't you just love it? Just when you need some comfort and validation, you get exactly the opposite.
I'm wondering why THEY haven't called the cops on it? After all, anyone can! So, would they have?
Hope you're ok and I'm sending my sympathy.
Interestingly, I have to confess that I sometimes done this myself to my own kids. Once they pointed this out, I took a bit of a look at my behaviour. I've had to learn how to be a listener not a critical solver.
What I'm saying is, perhaps there's some hope for change. It could just be ' fleas'  with hubby, rather than anything deeper?

[bloomie]

I've had to learn how to be a listener not a critical solver

This is such a great way to state the difference and why we experience discouragement and disappointment when faced with implied or direct criticism instead of active, compassionate listening. Thanks nanotech!

[sunshine702]

Trust me I have tried like hell to get my partner to EMPATHIZE not take the other perspective.  Funny thing is he is a therapist and does it for his clients just not for me. He sees himself as SO RATIONAL and correct.  We are going through a rough patch.  Attachment style we are completely wrong - I am Anxious he is Avoidant.  Honestly if we weren't in the middle of putting down roots that we have worked hard for I might consider leaving but I am trying to work on it.  I ask myself "is this good for the relationship?"  Before I try to argue my point.   Often I just resign myself to always being wrong on everything and tell my real feelings to people like you guys.  I see not that he gets it from his mom.  The boss is always right and you do whatever they say unquestioning - which is NOT me.!

Eventually his mom came around to -  well you just can't go calling the cops Willy Nilly.  I might if the situation happens again.  I work in a hotel and have found the police very kind and nuanced as well.  Neither too strong or too weak.

Honestly I might change jobs or rely more on my first job.  I feel pretty unsupported/ trained with management recently and it is coloring my enjoyment of the good parts.

[sunshine702]

I recently brought this encounter up to my partner about how I don't need solutions that my water tank is completely empty of being heard.  Because I had also told the story to his mom now he is FURIOUS completely FURIOUS at me for HOLDING A GRUDGE against his Sainted Mother.  Honestly these conversations and reactions are not adding up like normal people.  Everything worked out fine with my job.  There has to be more going on none of this makes sense. 

[sunshine702]

My goodness.

Re reading this four months later.  Yeah something more was going on.

Yep his mom is a Narc I think.  Everyone orbiting around her.  The Grandkids are the golden crown wearer supply - mostly the youngest.  And everyone plays along.  Enabling. 

More Narcs.  And Narc enablers.  And the whole triangulated crap begins again.  Just like my childhood

[sunshine702]

And I am officially out 4.10.24

Done. I looked at the most beautiful apartments. I started this
As I re read this.  Mother in law came in while I was getting dressed.  I checked in with them before

She ask me to Leave as I was half dressed in my soon to be gone house

[nanotech]

I'm sending hugs and wishing you lots of luck for the future. Xx

[bloomie]

sunshine702 - hope you are on the way to healing and recovering.

[sunshine702]

sunshine702 - hope you are on the way to healing and recovering.

Thank you.  It is wonderful to have a place to get feedback from people who "get it". Who are not afraid of going against (The Narc) because of the goodies.  But who also don't just say - oh you should leave.   That to me is magical thinking like quack dieting. It's just not super easy in reality.  There are big logistics and big level charge is hard and painful.   I am going to be leaving the big beautiful house we put together.  But it's a house though.   My new apt is beautiful too and I have lived a lot of places.  It has doors and bathrooms and peace mostly!!

[sunshine702]

Although with my attachment style I feel like a I am in the world with suddenly no skin.  It is honestly painful.  My nervous system is shaking and in pain.  For Anxious attachment this is honestly like a death-  which is why endured the abuse and reading my posts here — this is abuse loving partners comfort the oh honeys as I say not the rages.

Once I get to that apartment I know I can take care of myself. It's not going to look super glamour but like me eating.  Soft things right know.  I am doing it

[sunshine702]

So I forgot some skirts on his side of the dresser.  I did not go in the marital bedroom much while I was packing so this is understandable.  So I texted him at 10 am ish that I forgot them At 530 pm having heard nothing I texted the group text of him and his mom.  A very simple "Hey when can I get my skirts"?  He exploded in rage at me "bothering" her.  That is was "unacceptable".  I said then please answer me back.  Eventually he put my skirts in a trash bag and threw them outside I picked them up.

Mommy.  Sigh

[Rose1]

At least you know his weak spot. Exbpdh also had his mother as a weak spot. I believe I used it twice when something happened that affected my daughters (in one case drinking, medicated and driving despite being asked not to).
I got a lot of threats from him and the blank stare from her but it made my point. He did it so that I would drive D's to his place for the occasional visit. He basically did Nothing to facilitate them and wasn't working but decided I had to do my share of driving as well after a long day at work.

Anyway it didn't happen again so I assume he got a lecture.

It's not something that you can use all the time because the consequences are there (I paid later) but when it was really important it was necessary.

Hopefully you've got all your stuff now and can go NC. The garbage bag was his way of making  sure you knew where you stood. It's mean spirited for sure. But it also clarifies the mind. You can see what they really are behind all the words.

[moglow]

Sunshine that's all him, not "mommy." He chooses his own behavior, as do we all. Take your power back and be well!