Md and the doctors - chapter #2784

[moglow]

I'm increasingly grateful for this safe space and the one in my head, where I'm reassured daily that I'm doing the right thing for my [limited!] sanity.

Md is gearing up for the next round of doctors visits, one tomorrow and follow up with heart surgeon next week. It appears her longtime cardiologist is cutting back/limiting/preparing for retirement and is offering patients option to transfer over to [new surgeon group who handled her recent pacemaker replacement]. She has it in her head that the recent letter has her in a "bargaining position" where they each need to sell her on the idea. She doesn't understand that she chooses one or the other and the chips fall where they fall, life goes on. I mean, they're not going to battle or beg for her business. But no, she's special.

Anyhoo -with all that in mind, Bro suggested she write down her questions for upcoming appointments so they can cover everything while there, instead of leaving and her asking him to go over it all later. Her first question? Is/when is doctor planning to retire. 2, 3, 4 are about his business, staff and plans. At #5 on her list is pro/con of proposed medication change [by recent surgeon] to help her heart function better and improve overall circulation. I shit you not. If her next thought is knee surgery, her circulation is an issue that needs to be addressed. She's going to want that and it doesn't matter at all which doctor helps make that happen.

I get it, sort of. The one has been her doctor all these years and change is scary. But unless there's an event like need to change pacemaker or battery, she doesn't see him but maybe once a year. Even then she could easily be shunted off to an associate if something comes up and he's not available. For them, it's routine checkup, check the boxes and move forward to next year.

Meantime she's wanting to cancel surgery followup and further discussion because she "doesn't like" surgeon. Bro said this new doc is good, he's thorough, goes over everything step by step while she's twittering away as usual not following any of it. He's focused and all business, not interested in social hour or schmoozing. She wants the social small town easy going lengthy chitchat, I'm guessing he's more big city volume. They simply don't make money sitting and chatting away like it's an after lunch visit. She doesn't understand and gets all affronted when reminded that it's a business like any other.

But have I mentioned how glad I am that's not my monkey or my circus?! I can just be a willing ear for bro while he gets through the lead up and break down dramas. By FAR the lesser of two evils!

[bloomie]

Anyhoo -with all that in mind, Bro suggested she write down her questions for upcoming appointments so they can cover everything while there, instead of leaving and her asking him to go over it all later. Her first question? Is/when is doctor planning to retire. 2, 3, 4 are about his business, staff and plans. At #5 on her list is pro/con of proposed medication change [by recent surgeon] to help her heart function better and improve overall circulation. I shit you not. If her next thought is knee surgery, her circulation is an issue that needs to be addressed. She's going to want that and it doesn't matter at all which doctor helps make that happen.

Because it seems she sees herself in the driver's seat in this 'relationship'. 

I can't imagine her going into knee surgery and experiencing the recovery/rehab process as it done these days. No lengthy hospital stays and the kind of access to the surgeon one once had. 

Wow, am I glad you are at a distance and offering support where it is most needed to your brother. Still hard for you to have this going on I am sure because you know in your knower there is drama ahead.

[moglow]

@bloomie I have no idea how she thinks to maneuver the rehab part or that she's even grasped that it's strictly outpatient now, as you mentioned. A while back she'd commented several times about not having a support system - well no shit. She's alienated everyone I know, plus we're all still employed and making a living hours away. No one is available to shut down for weeks to see her through this even if we were so inclined. Her in pain and needy? All the knives will be out! I can't see that ending well for anyone.

I mentioned to bro not long ago how she plays charming on the surface and only gets nasty with people once she gets comfortable. "Well she sure must feel comfortable with me these days." Says she's unpleasant to be around most of the time - brother man, that's not new for her either. She just got comfortable and the relentlessness of it wears on a person after a while. You see less of the charm, the hooks underneath ride much closer to the surface.

I woke up this morning filled with silent prayer for today's doctor - and my brother of course. However much they discussed ahead of time, I warned him - she will go into the very things he told her to leave alone and ignore the information she actually needs. She has to have her say. 

[bloomie]

A while back she'd commented several times about not having a support system - well no shit.

And yet, there she sits with your brother actively involved and keeping the rest of you informed even when she is behaving poorly toward you all!!  Complete lack of gratitude from where I sit.

I woke up this morning filled with silent prayer for today's doctor - and my brother of course. However much they discussed ahead of time, I warned him - she will go into the very things he told her to leave alone and ignore the information she actually needs. She has to have her say. 

I fear you are 100% accurate in your predictions. 

[Sneezy]

She has it in her head that the recent letter has her in a "bargaining position" where they each need to sell her on the idea. She doesn't understand that she chooses one or the other and the chips fall where they fall, life goes on. I mean, they're not going to battle or beg for her business. But no, she's special.

Ugh, this sounds so familiar.  Of course, she is special and doctors will be fighting over her 

My MIL used to talk about how much her doctor loved her.  He would share all kinds of personal info with her and ask for her advice.  None of this was true.  But it followed her script regarding how much everyone loved her and confided in her and wanted to be her best friend.

Good luck, Mo - I hope this most recent health drama with your mom goes well.

[moglow]

Well there's a hitch (of course there is). Overall dr visit was productive and kept on track by brother. Md did ask Dr about the blood thinner recommendation by surgeon. Seems this hasn't been brought up until now by her cardiologist (or has it and she never relayed it?), but without the thinner she's now at hugely increased stroke risk. Problem showed up on most recent remote pacemaker monitoring, but nothing had been said. Blood pooling in the heart can and will clot ... As mentioned months ago by surgeon when he recommended change in medication.

Dr provided/called in prescription and made hasty exit after being asked about this issue directly. Not clear if it was intended a while back and overlooked, if conversation has not addressed the issue, but yeah. Dr provided two weeks sample to get her started.

They get home before it really registers, then she melts down about needing her medicine, brother has to go pick it up, pharmacy isn't filling it quickly enough etc etc. He points out she has ample supply, pharmacy will advise when it's ready (I mentioned to him, they may not have that one in stock and had to get from another store). At any rate, not an emergency since she has in hand. But nooooooo. She LOST it, screeching and snarling and wailing (doesn't occur that's going to jack up her blood pressure etc??)

Bro is really concerned now. Sadly the main concern is not only having her a stroke but surviving it to live many months/years greatly debilitated and ever more abusive. Her meltdowns could bring on the very stroke she fears and there's nothing anyone can do. All while she does nothing to take better care, continues ranting and demanding and tight lipped fury at every turn. He's exhausted, and I completely understand.

[Poison Ivy]

Hello, moglow. I'm sorry you and your brother are in this situation. My mom is 95, is not "well," has memory issues, and has impaired mobility, but I think it's possible she could live for several more years. This has become very stressful for her primary caregiver (my sister), the person who visits the most (me), and the people who don't want to or can't visit regularly (my brothers).

[moglow]

@Poison Ivy, that's the rub isn't it? Them being elderly and angry and vicious to the remaining family, mad that no one is fixing (or refusing to overlook) problems they created, no appreciation for anything but making more and more demands. So people pull further away because it's burning them down. And md is 85+, her mother and family lived into their 90s.

But, not once has bro mentioned "you and the brothers should..." or she said she'd like to see/talk to any of us. I can only imagine what's been said, given what she said to me for so many years. So I have no guilt on that score, knowing I'm not wanted. I can only be an ear and support for him.

[Sneezy]

I can only be an ear and support for him.

And this is a huge help for your brother.  You are giving him a safe place to vent and some good advice. 

I'm so sorry to hear how things are going with your mom.  The concern that she will live for many more years, and just get nastier and more toxic with time, is real.  Aging, and all that comes along with it, is difficult for the nicest, most well-adjusted, resilient people.  For people with PDs, for those that just don't handle the ups and downs of life very well, it is a miserable disaster-prone drama.  We need to stay strong and not let them take us down with them. 

[bloomie]

I can only be an ear and support for him.

This is worth so much! What a tough go this all is for all of you. Your brother is on the front lines, and I can tell you from very recent experience, having a sibling, or siblings, that appreciate and support would mean the world. I am so sorry this is devolving into melt downs on md's part. So hard!

[moglow]

@bloomie more and more I'm reminded of a long ago member who said of her mother "she left this world as she'd lived it, middle finger firmly in the air." 

Bro said she had a hard spinner about a week ago, got through it and was too tired to fight anymore, became somewhat pleasant. Then as he was leaving she brought up a violent episode from when we were kids. Why?? Spun herself right back up again then he gave his version of events, called her on her behavior. She didn't remember it that way - go figure. But why dredge that ditch?? 

All those years I carried her alone, grit my teeth until the next incident. I thought I had to carry it alone, but honestly thought she'd be different with the brothers, show some humanity at least.

[moglow]

Well. Md cancelled followup with surgeon, as we suspected she would. She's choosing misery over possibilities. If it were me, I'd probably decline attending future appointments with and breaking the information down for her after. If she's not interested why should anyone else be? She needs to ask questions of her doctor and do her thing, leave others out of it. We'll pick up the pieces as needed.

Sigh.

[bloomie]

Well. Md cancelled followup with surgeon, as we suspected she would. She's choosing misery over possibilities. If it were me, I'd probably decline attending future appointments with and breaking the information down for her after. If she's not interested why should anyone else be? She needs to ask questions of her doctor and do her thing, leave others out of it. We'll pick up the pieces as needed.

Sigh.

Well of course she did!  I hope your sib follows your lead and lets her do her thing.

[moglow]

@bloomie, he's so tired. Tired of the meltdowns and "DROP EVERYTHING, YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THIS RIGHT THIS MINUTE!!!" He gets to her house to take care of something and she has six other things she "needs" - he tells her, well I'm here and have supplies for *this* so *this* is what I'm doing right now. But she NEEEEEEDS ... he's asked her countless times to make a list, he'll knock it out as and when he can. But no, there's this other over here. Her screaming fits over minor frustrations and inconvenience instead of addressing things he/we can actually help with or manage. "Discussions" of the same issues over and over, him explaining yet again what the doctor said and her [yet again] with what she heard/remembers them saying, screaming nastiness when he corrects it again. There's no peace or apology for the things she says or how she says them. No consideration that he has his own life and home and farm, things he needs to do. Day after day of it.

There's no satisfaction here, still not one whit of interest in or sense of obligation to step a foot into any of it. I can picture and hear it all just fine from here. I witnessed more than enough.

[moglow]

Swell. Md has found level floor for a moment - called to invite me to thanksgiving. I've not seen her in years, haven't spent a holiday with her in far longer, and that one was bad enough that it left marks. I already made plans with friends, have my assignment and told her so. "Oh but they're not faaaaaamily"- yeah they are. In all the ways that matter, they're my family. Her deciding to play nice for a moment changes nothing.

[Cat of the Canals]

My husband's line is, "Well, what has 'family' every done for me?"

Also, seems like your mother wouldn't be in any position to be cooking for or hosting Thanksgiving, so does this "invitation" possibly come with the assumption that you'd do all the work?

[moglow]

Funny you say that, Cat o'. She asked what I'm up to today, told her I was finishing up my laundry. She immediately said I could come do hers while I'm at it. No thx, i'm good here. So yeah I'm sure the implication would be that I cook, and clean while I'm at it. Last time she cooked it was awful, boxed just add water, heat and eat processed food. Worse would be her working herself into a lather over her unspoken expectations and what I'm "supposed to do" for her.

I'll pass.

[Fiasco]

"Oh but they're not faaaaaamily"

"And that's what makes me feel thankful, mom".