NMom reaches new low - Gatekeeping Behavior

[Tribe16]

EDad has been in a nursing home for over a month now trying to regain strength for advanced Parkinson's and recovering from a recent bout with Covid. NMom and I have been no contact since early October as she was withholding info from me, telling me to reach out to my sister, but freely sharing with my kids and my sister. So I stopped asking her for updates because it was demoralizing. I flew out to see Dad because I really did think this was the end. Not yet, he has been making progress. I didn't tell her, nor did I go to see her. She was pissed.

4 weeks ago, I couldn't reach him on the phone. Half a ring and then into voicemail. I thought his phone was turned off. Then the mailbox was full and I couldn't leave messages. So I would call the nursing home simply to leave a message for Dad to call. He did, he couldn't figure out why I couldn't get through, we had a nice chat (cognitively he is slipping a bit). My sister calls me with a message "Mom says she wants you to stop bothering the nurses, that they're very busy and you shouldn't be pestering them." Mind you she couldn't text me this herself, she had to go through my sister. I told Sis if they couldn't figure out what was up with the phone, I'd continue to do what I was doing. Mind you, I'm leaving 1 or 2 messages per week. Dad seems pleased to call me.

Then for two weeks, I can't get through at all. I leave messages at the hospital and Dad's not calling. Mailbox still full. (Did mom ask the nurses to ignore me? I don't know but I wonder...) My sister checked his phone and it's working fine. She says, "I think you're blocked." She hands the phone to Dad, "No, there's no way you're blocked - I wouldn't have blocked you." "OK Dad, maybe it happened by accident." Sister cleaned out the mailbox, I'm unblocked and then... the next day blocked again. Something's up. Mom goes and sees him every day. Sis about once a week.

Now Dad has got an infection, and is in isolation. Mom tells Sis, no visitors, no phone calls until he's out of isolation (WTF?) why no phone calls? That makes no sense. So I wrote him a letter c/o the nursing home and let him know that I'm blocked again and Mom says no phone calls. So I will keep trying even if I have to use the Post Office! I can't believe my mother is this malevolent to impede access to my dad. When I think her cruelty can't get any worse, she proves me wrong.

[bloomie]

Tribe16 - this has to be crushing for you to not be able to speak with your dad.    My mind is boggled and heart hurts thinking about how frustrating and hard this has to be for you. I love that you wrote him a letter. This is something he can return to and reread to remind him of your love and continued desire to talk with him. I am just so sorry you mom is withholding and controlling your ability to speak with your dad.

Sending healing thoughts your dad's way and peace to you as you continue to find ways to communicate with him.

[Tribe16]

Thank you Bloomie, I'm trying to learn the challenging art of loving detachment right now because it's nearly eating away at my insides and there's nothing I can do to fix it right now. Thanks for your kind thoughts.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow. That really is a new low of nasty. Narcissistic in the extreme to think she owns your relationship with your father. Good for you pushing back and not simply accepting that. I don't know the level of your father's cognitive abilities, but it seems to me he would have the final say whether you have access to him through the nurses, not mother.

[moglow]

Tribe16, there's no justifying any of this other than her need for absolute control, that everyone must somehow go through her or not go at all. Small comfort knowing why, the hurt is unimaginable. And yes, I'm sure there's no coming back from this with her. No regrets there.

Just know we're here with you, holding you with courage and strength while you do what needs to be done for your dear father.

[Tribe16]

Thank you Cordelia and Moglow. This has been a hard week. Still no word from Dad. Don't know if he's slipping, forgetting how to use his phone or just forgetting me. No changes, still unable to get hold of him, waiting for my sister to try and unblock me on his phone, but she hasn't been to see him for over a week. I'm in major "let go, let God" mode this week.

[bloomie]

Thank you Cordelia and Moglow. This has been a hard week. Still no word from Dad. Don't know if he's slipping, forgetting how to use his phone or just forgetting me. No changes, still unable to get hold of him, waiting for my sister to try and unblock me on his phone, but she hasn't been to see him for over a week. I'm in major "let go, let God" mode this week.

Tribe16 - I am so sorry to read this. Will you send him another letter or card? Letting go of what we cannot change or control is a deep work when it comes to circumstances around a loved father. Hugs to you today!