misnostic mother - need to vent

[RainbowGirl]

I need to write. I need to vent. 

I think my mother is a misnostic but only to me because I have a few brothers and they were the only thing that ever gave her a purpose and significance in this life. 

My mother took on a traditional role in the family.  She didn't work.  Eventually my father turned abusive and I suppose over time my mother relied on my brothers for DIY and security around the home and maybe that's why she preferred my brothers.

I can remember so much of my youth where I had to fend for myself. Even working from a young age.  My mother supported all of my brothers well into adulthood and not only supported them she went above and beyond for them.  She had a ridiculous notion that because they were men they couldn't do anything for themselves when it came to cooking and housework and laundry and she did everything for them.

They are all live abroad.  They left for work a few years ago.


I am living at home with my mother. I work hard but I can't afford my own mortgage and rent.  I always helped at home.  I still do.

Something my mother said to me recently. 

I have a brother coming home and she's gone into a manic cleaning mode.  She was never houseproud before in her life so I don't know where this came out from and I think she is anxious but it's only my brother.  He knows what the family home is like and there is no need to be so obsessive.

She said something to me, it's great that he will be home this year and we will make an effort this year for him unlike last year we hardly did anything, we didn't even have decorations up.

I can't believe what I was hearing.

Although I am living at home with my mother, and I wasn't alone for Christmas Day, I never felt so alone before in my life because she refused to partake in anything over the Christmas. 

I wanted to make a good Christmas at home.  I bought a tree and new lights.  I bought firewood so that I could make fires and have a cosy home and cosy main living room.  I bought food.   I bought a new TV because she broke one during the year.   So we had an option to watch movies. 

On Christmas Day last year I cooked dinner.  It was a wet day.  At 1pm she decided to put on her wet gear and go for a walk. She came home at 2.30. She made a sandwich and tea.  Then when I had dinner ready at 5, she refused to have dinner.  Then I. The evening she refused dessert and she refused to come into to living room and she refused to partake in Christmas. 

So I wasn't alone last year but the day was so empty. I wanted to put on a good Christmas Day but she refused to partake in the day.  It was so hurtful.

One of my brothers was living at home til last year in the spring of 2022. He was the last brother to leave and go abroad.   It was nearly as if Christmas was t worth celebrating for her because he was gone.   As if the man was dead or something. 


Then about 2 weeks ago she came out with that line - 'we did nothing last year and now we have to do it this year because X is coming home and we need to make an effort this year because he's coming home'. 

I wanted to tell her to speak for herself but I held back on my words.  I made an effort last year   

It's her whole entire tone and attitude as if to say Christmas is only worth celebrating when she has a son at home. 

But this is so hurtful for me. It's is completely undermining me and she can't see any value or worth in having a daughter and someone who generally helps at home.

I know families who have been hit by genuine hardship and families who have lost their children and adult children from road traffic collisions, suicide and sickness. Her sons are not dead in a grave. They are living and working abroad and they are free to come home.   Her attitude of being completely invested in her sons has her hating on their partners and will eventually push them away.

I am so sick of her attitude.  It's utterly vile in that she can't appreciate what she does have. Her tone is completely undermining.   

[moglow]

When it comes up again -and I'd be willing to bet she sees to it that it does- you might want to point out to her what you did last year, her choices to go for a long walk and not participate etc. Like a lot of people she could have been depressed as much as anything else, but to claim "we" didn't do anything is her perspective - because she did nothing. You're not responsible for her stuff, you never were. Plus you tried regardless.

Believe me, I get it. Mine is a constant source of negativity and need. Only you're support to know exactly what that need is and provide it, because asking the obvious questions will bring on a meltdown. You must *know* and act accordingly. Holidays ratchet that up because she's not had holidays with any of us in years due to her own stuff and lack of interest. But of course we're blamed for whatever is lacking in her life - while she never asks or shows interest in ours.

There are no easy answers here. You just keep motoring through and find your exit strategy. It's there.

[RainbowGirl]

I am just utterly appalled and disgusted of her tone and attitude. 

She wrote Christmas off last year and it was likely because the youngest brother left home earlier in the year.   

I can't understand it. 

All of my brothers are good, well, healthy and working ahrd abroad and happy living abroad.   

I am at home.

I can't understand how she can't appreciate what she does have.  In that all her sons are happy and well.   I know families where they were hit with tragedy and their family/sons are dead in a grave.


I usually love Christmas and I live making an effort and it's something that I do but I am so deflated about it now in that my mother will never appreciate anything.

Definitely the underlying message from her is that Christmas is only worth it when she has any of her sons home with her.

Another thing she said recently is that she really wants X to come home.  As in the youngest. To come home for good. 

That man is now gone and he's going to be gone now for good.  She's going to settle abroad and he's not coming home. 
He fell on hard times at home and my mother was overly smoothering of him.  I think it's the o ly thing that made her feel significant in life.
Here is she still lining for home to come home for good. 
 

They are my brothers too and I miss them but I don't smother them and I am living my life without investing in their lives and living in the hope that they come home. 

All she cares about is herself and them.

The only time my mother perked up in recent weeks was when she pushed a packet of boxer shorts under my nose that she bought for my brother coming home at Christmas time while giving me a request to buy a packet for him too.  I will not be buying him underwear. That man is earning big bucks and it's nothing more but penny pinching from me to him.

I will be helping in my own way like I do online groceries so that we don't have to carry heavy bags of groceries home or organise transport. Is that not enough for her?

She never appreciates me because I am only just a female.  She never said those words but that's her actions and treatment of me.  She tolerates me but that's it. 

She only wants her sons home.

[moglow]

Her stuff, RG - all of that is her stuff. You're not her son, not going to magically become one. That's not on you to change for her even if you could! You're perfectly capable of buying your own gifts for others. He can buy his own damned underwear, and would probably prefer that anyway.

I know you're "expected" to take care of her, think for her, provide for her etc but you also NEED to do those things for yourself. What she thinks and how she feels are not in any way yours to manage. Just because she says it, doesn't make it so. With mine, I found that her friend of the moment always seemed to be whoever wasn't there right that minute. She'd have a packed house [way back when we'd actually go there] yet go on and on about the one who couldn't be there, completely disregarding those who were.

It's only been in the past few years that she's turned on each of my brothers as well, when they've stood up to her and even for me at times. They don't put up with the spite or any of her crap, not even when she's pretending they're great friends. I backed off sharing anything with her and worked to be sure I wasn't dependent on her. That's why I've encouraged you to find your out and take it, as soon as practical. Being around that day in and out is debilitating, and we can't help but believe what we're told over and over.

I've come to accept I'm not going to be whatever it is she wants, and my life is perfectly okay without her approval or appreciation. I still have my life and I'll damned well live it without her. It's changed my whole world, separating myself from her, and that's what I want for you - her opinions, thoughts, feelings don't have to be yours. Ever. You aren't her and never will be. She doesn't have it to give and that's ALL on her, it's not yours to manage for her. Beating yourself over how she feels/doesn't feel? Also not yours - I guarantee no one else treats you that way, and if they did you'd not stick around for long. Don't give her that power.

[moglow]

It was hard for me for many years - I always felt [based on her words and behavior towards me] that I was lacking and didn't measure up. Nothing was good enough and I should somehow know what was needed to make things "right" for her, no concern for my needs ever. Mother's moods are mercurial - what she is one minute can and will change in an instant, while I'd stand there in stunned amazement trying to adapt, just to fit in and at least get along. She didn't want that, she wanted and demanded conflict and chaos. I can only imagine that made her feel somehow alive. Getting away from it was without question the best thing I've ever done for myself - seeing me through her eyes [and words] was devastating.

I had to learn to separate myself from her emotional mess and for me it took getting away from her physically for long periods of time, proving to myself that I was better off without her in my face. Based on what you've said, I think you may understand that. It's a battle and will take some time - that kind of hope is priceless. It gives you a goal that will help support you and encourage you to do what's best for yourself.