It took something life changing to turn on the lights

[ICanSeeItNow91]

This is my first post in this forum.

My eyes have been opened far wider than I could've ever know they'd be.

I've been in a relationship for 8.5 with a man whom I thought was the perfect man. I convinced myself that he was the man I needed in order for me to be the best person I can be.

When we first started dating, we agreed to just be "friends with benefits". But then he asked to move in after 3 months. We had never argued and seemed to have such a great connection. Once I moved in he started "domesticating" me. I was happy to become the woman he would want to marry one day. I was 24 and had always lived with my parents. I taught myself how to cook (which was a process).

Slowly he started adding responsibilities to my plate. After rough 6 months of dating, he still didn't want to call me his girlfriend. So I continued to do all of the cleaning, cooking and whatever else he asked of me- in hopes he would want me to be his girlfriend, instead romantic roommate.

After 9 months I finally gave him an ultimatum. Make our relationship official, or I'm done. So he made it official.

We started arguing, frequently. Big blow out screaming hateful fights. Usually over me spending MY money, or not keeping the house clean enough. I stood up for myself and he would blow up and tell me why I was wrong, so I defended myself. Which made him madder. Calling me every name imaginable, telling me I'm crazy... etc..

After 2.5 years of dating, I was still living in an empty shell of a relationship. He wouldn't tell me he loved me, in fact he had told me many times he didn't see himself being with me long term. So I left him. He cried and begged me to stay, said he wanted to marry me. I was gone for 1 week and he was texting me and blowing my phone up telling me how much he loves me, now he's depressed, has anxiety...etc I stood firm and tried dating someone else (who turned out to be a raging alcoholic) so I ended it with him and called my ex at 4 am.

We got back together and he promised to be the mana I needed. Share the household responsibilities and treat me well. He did change, things were amazing for awhile. But then it all slowly slipped back to me doing everything and him changing who I am as a person to fit his perfect mold. After we got back together I lost my sexual desire for him.

7 years later and I still have no sexual desire towards him. I don't want to cuddle him, I don't want to hold him, I don't want him to see me naked or touch my naked body. He tells me I'm wrong for not giving him what he needs. That I'm selfish for withholding my body. It's just boobs. Or it's just my butt.. etc.

Over the years I've gone numb to all the bad things and I just smile through it all. I've become detached. I don't give him attention, I don't spend time with him, I'm grumpy when I respond to him. I feel awful for being that way to him. I always thought I was just b****y and that's just who I am. I tried staying up later to spend time with him, but it didn't last. I'm not giving him the romantic connection he desires. I feel guilt, shame and an inability to please him. And it hurts him.

In August 2023, I asked him why he hasn't married me. His response is that I don't always make him happy enough to want to be with me forever. It hurt me deeply. I do everything for him. I'm the person he molded me to be. Why am I STILL not enough??

I found out I was pregnant in Sept 2023. I told him and he said we can't keep it, we would lose everything, we cant afford it. I'm pro-choice, but I didn't ever want to do that myself. So we argued for 2 weeks about it. I kept telling him I'm not doing it. If anything, we could adopt out the baby. He said he wouldn't give his baby away if it was born. So he finally convinced me that abortion was the only way... so on Oct 6 we took a 4 hr drive to a state where it's legal and I had the procedure done. I was numb, I felt no emotion. No sadness, no relief, no happiness, no anger...

I finally started to feel the pain from losing my child a couple of weeks ago. It's built up. And through support of my only friend who knows what I did, and loads of research, I've realized what's been happening all of these years. I'm dating a narcissist. It sickens me to know I let  a man tell me what to do with my body. I hate myself so deeply. I want to die inside.

I finally told him I'm not happy. He says he will do whatever he has to to keep me. The next day he did the dishes and cleaned our dogs bowls. He made sure to point it out when I hot home and I knew immediately it was because he wanted the verbal admiration/appreciation. He didn't do those dishes for me. He wanted the recognition.

He tried to keep me from leaving to see my family for Thanksgiving, which he had already opted out of a week prior to me telling him I wasn't happy. I stood firm and told him I was leaving straight from work Wednesday. He needed me to take a car part, to sell to someone that lives near me family. He "forgot" to put it in my car Wednesday morning. So he found a way to control my timeline. He told the guy I'm meeting I'd be leaving Sunday at 10 am. Again trying to control my timeline.

I feel that I need to leave. I want to leave. But I'm still terrified of hurting him. I don't want him to hurt himself, or become depressed. I don't want to break his heart. I can't come back from killing my child.. and now I see how he's manipulated and coerced me over the last 8.5 years. I do not want this for my life. He says if I leave I'll never find another man as driven and successful as him. My 14 year old daughter loves him, he is her father figure. But what example am I setting for her?? That it's OK to be treated like an object that someone owns??

He's agreed to couples counseling, but only with a male therapist.

What if I leave and he ends his life because he loses me? What if he loses the home we worked for? I am scared. I want to go, but I feel like I can't.

[moglow]

That's what I'd call an emotional hostage situation. He took a young girl in and made her dependent on his approval, frightened of life without him and what he might do.

I'm so sorry for your loss, for being led to believe you had no choice and are somehow responsible for his happiness. So who's responsible for *yours*? Who's to see you through your grief?

Let's be clear - to most people, when two people move in together you're "official" whether the words are said or not. Unless you're sleeping in separate bedrooms, splitting the bills and living your own lives - you're a couple. There are certain clear implications there that others see. I guess the fact it happened so quickly made him think that was okay, dangling it by you. And time passes quickly...

He doesn't own you, and you make a good point - is that what you want for your daughter ? You may have reached your crossroads here. Is this how you want to continue, being blamed/held responsible for him while you're drowning inside?

We're here with you.

[ICanSeeItNow91]

It's definitely not what I want for her. I've told her, in front of him, "do not ever be with a man who treats you like this. It's not ok" and then I continued being with him. It makes me sick to think of the example I'm setting for her.

He always says everything is about logic and reason, to make decisions with your head and not your heart. He says the baby situation "was a temporary solution for a permanent problem" he says I will get past it and I'll be fine. But I harbor hate for him in my soul.

The biggest issue is that my name is on both of our mortgages (land and home) and we built up an insane amount of unsecured debt while getting the land ready for the home. I don't think the banks will ever release me from the mortgages because he doesn't make enough money on paper to qualify by himself. I could sell my Yukon and pay off the credit cards we ran up, but then I wouldn't have a vehicle to drive and no money to get my own place.

My daughter and I could move 3 hrs away and stay with my parents, but how long will I be stuck at my parents house? That still doesn't solve the issue of getting my name off the mortgages. This is just very complicated. And my stress is through the roof.

[moglow]

His response is that I don't always make him happy enough to want to be with me forever.

Again, what about *your* happiness, your needs here? You're supposed to somehow make mr man happy above all else?? He sure didn't mind joining your finances and running up unsecured debt with you. Based on the comment that he doesn't make enough on paper to pay for it in his own ... I'm guessing you also work? But all the home responsibilities fall on you?? Do you not all live there - and thereby ALL have responsibility for cleaning and taking care of your home? He shouldn't do those things "for you" as if some kind of favor. He lives there too.

Honestly if this is how he sees this relationship, I'd remind him he's not in it by himself and neither are you. Forget ultimatums and threats, decide what you want for your life and do that. He can't genuinely be on board and doesn't want the same things? Fine. You can move forward for your life without him. Even were he to capitulate and spew a bunch of promises, I'm not sure I'd even be interested at this point.

Make decisions with your head,as he says. Houses and land can be sold when a couple sees they don't have the same goals or want the same things. Sell it, pay off the mortgage, get out and you go elsewhere. People do it every day.

[notrightinthehead]

Icanseeitnow, you certainly are in a tight corner. In addition to the advice and support you have already received, I urge you to study the Toolbox and begin to implement the strategies suitable for your situation when interacting with your partner. And before you do anything please get legal advice on how to protect yourself and your child financially. You might have to put measures in place that will take a while. As you implement the strategies from the toolbox, especially medium chill, non JADE, grey rock, boundaries, and learn to protect yourself better you are also role modeling healthy behavior for your daughter.
Please keep us updated on your progress!