Discarded after moving for long distance relationship

[Hattie]

Hi all, slightly dismayed to be back on this board after a few years but here we are!

I've been in a relationship for 18 months. I met the guy as he was moving out of town to another European country, so it's been long distance most of the time. It was super dreamy and romantic for much of it and he was talking about marriage, kids etc. I did see some red flags (passive aggression, drinking a bit too much, not long since he'd left a very long relationship) but gave him the benefit of the doubt.

About 9 months in, I started feeling some anxiety about leaving England to move abroad, as it would mean leaving behind my home and friends, and I'm not fluent in the language of his country. I expressed this to him and he took it very personally, as evidence I  didn't love him enough...

Nonetheless I had to be the one to move as he has a young child in his country. So I persevered and temporarily moved abroad to be with him in October. I was supposed to be staying for 2 months initially. He said he loved me and really wanted me to go there. But once I got there, he acted like he didn't want to be around me, kept cancelling plans with me, tried to gaslight me when I got cross about it, and then after just 2 weeks, he dumped me!!! It was such a horrible shock. He initially tried to downgrade me to some bizarre friendzone situation but I put my foot down and said no. He couldn't really explain why he wanted to break up, citing a vague gut feeling.

I stayed another month to finalise the breakup and get my head together before driving for 2 days to get back home.  Currently en route.

I spent months preparing for the move, and spent lots of money renting a place in his town. I just wished he had dumped me BEFORE I moved if he was going to! It was so hard going through the breakup alone whilst abroad. Needless to say, I'm heartbroken and struggling with conflicting feelings of missing him and being furious about what's happened. I'm also ruminating about him coming back later, as he pretty much said he would and seems like the type to do so.

Has anyone experienced anything like this?

I have my stripes in abuse recovery and know all about the abuse cycle... but nonetheless I'm caught off guard as I really didn't think he was a narcissist. Maybe he's just an avoidant and freaked out when the relationship moved to a more committed stage? He also quit his job of 7 years the same week as dumping me, with no other job to go to, so seems to be behaving erratically.

Anyway I'd be curious if anyone's experienced anything untoward in a long distance relationship

[sunshine702]

Wow what a gut punch.  I did not move abroad but I did move a state away where I knew no one really to have my partner up and leave one day for no reason at all.  We were also talking children and an engagement and had just set up a house and started to meet people.  Yeah it was destabilizing for me for years.  I just could not figure out what happened.  Then it dawned on me that I thought we were real and was working toward that but he did not.  I was a placeholder.  Your guy sounded like he was future faking with the romance and then reality hit and it all became real.

Breakups suck especially with extra levels of difficulty (foreign land)s. Be soft with yourself for a long time

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh! I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope you arrive back home safely and have someone welcome you and make you feel welcome and safe again.

From what you wrote, I can see the following red flag, and it's a big one:

About 9 months in, I started feeling some anxiety about leaving England to move abroad, as it would mean leaving behind my home and friends, and I'm not fluent in the language of his country. I expressed this to him and he took it very personally, as evidence I  didn't love him enough..

A kind and loving partner would have understood your doubts, because this is a big step. He would have tried to make it easier for you. To allow you to try it out safely and comfortably. But not this one! He takes it personally. He makes your reasonable doubts about himself. He accused you of not loving him enough. He probably accused you of more, and how right you were! How justified your doubts were!

This is a very expensive lesson for you to learn. To have someone so cruelly reject you. And you are so brave to write about it here. This guy never deserved your love. It's time now to give yourself all the kindness and attention you have, talk nicely with yourself. Get therapy if you feel you can benefit from it. Sending you a big hug. 

[Hattie]

Thanks for your replies. @sunshine702 sorry you had a similar experience, and that it took a long time to recover from. The allusions my recent ex had made to the future were casual and in passing but I took them as good indicators. Probably he was planning for the future, but in a vague way, without the realism of what it actually takes to make a relationship work. I think you are right that once I got there, it became real for him. Probably he just isn't ready for a long term relationship, as he got together with me right after his breakup from his 20y relationship with his college sweetheart. I just wish he'd had the insight to know the earlier!

@notright- hey there! Been a while. Nice to hear from you again. Yeah in retrospect, the lack of empathy about my concerns was a red flag for sure. I got very anxious preparing for this extended trip; partly because of all the logistics it involved and probably partly because I was beginning to wonder about him. And yeah he couldn't cope with that at all. It's noticeable that whilst I dealt with my concerns by discussing them openly, he dealt with his by ignoring them and then criticising, blaming and gaslighting me!

Oh well, almost home now so time to dust myself off and start again.