Sis blocked on WhatsApp

[walking on broken glass]

It's been almost two weeks since I blocked my sister on WhatsApp, because she had been harrasing me with messages everyday, even though I had told her I am too busy and can't talk. We have been very low contact for the past ten years or so but I've recently become her target again due to our parents' ill health (I have written about all that in another post). This is uncharted territory for me because I had never done anything that 'aggressive' before: I would message her sporadically and make vague plans to talk that didn't materialize. But I've never blocked her before. The silence is amazing, as is the feeling I can use whatsapp without worrying she might see me online or I might get another message from her. Now that my dad is back home from the hospital and both parents are slowly recovering, I hope we can go back to our very low contact mode and I plan to unblock her at some point. But I am not sure how to go about this. I don't know if she has realized I have blocked her or if she thinks I am just ignoring her. Either way I suspect she must be raging. My birthday is coming up and I know she will use it as an opportunity to get hold of me 'to wish me happy birthday'. How do I respond if she asks about the block? I was thinking of saying that I am taking a break from WhatsApp because I am too busy and it was getting too distracting. Is that a good idea?

Surprisingly, my parents have said nothing to me about not getting in touch with her. I had a little talk with my dad about the subject, telling him to stop interfering. Miraculously it worked! Well, for now. They do drop subtle hints about my sister in the conversation but they did not dare aske me to contact her. I will take that as a small victory.

[moglow]

My suggestion: Accept the birthday wishes with thanks, maybe tell her of special dinner or plans, and let it go at that. Talk for a few minute more, depending on your availability at the time. Stay calm and even no matter what. If she pushes for/demands explanations about not talking the past few weeks, first remember it's your phone and you have to manage her calls just like anyone else's. You're not and don't have to be available 24/7. You really don't have to explain that to reasonable people - you were sick, you have a life and partner, and life in general.

Know that no matter how gently and reasonably you try to explain, it's not likely going to be what she wants to hear. She tried to reach you and couldn't. Maybe you turned off whats app so you could rest and recover [you've been sick, remember - did she ask about that??], forgot to turn it back on. Oh it's been two weeks? Who knew. She refuses to stop, won't leave it be? You have follow up doctor appt, someone's at the door, gosh maybe we can talk this weekend sometime. Thanks for calling! Byyyyeeeee

It takes practice, unfortunately. If you refuse to react, there's no drama other than hers. The hardest part for me was not buying into the drama of it all, not engaging. Mother would push and push, asking the same questions over and over and I'd try to explain and it never helped. She was on edge looking for something to cling to. I finally learned to say it once if at all, refuse to react no matter what provocation. Because at the end of the day, she never did say whatever it was that was sooooooo important that this big mess stirred up over me not answering the phone or returning a text. I wasn't immediately available and I'm the big bad meanie. Okay. Honestly I'm not above a little white lie if I can highlight just how unnecessarily emotional this all is.

We have to manage US and our responses, and let them be who they are.

[walking on broken glass]

That makes sense

She will normally message first and ask if she can call. I can either message back to thank her and find an excuse not to talk at all or talk but keep it brief, as you said. That's another challenge as her calls tend to last forever and she always wants to have the camera on. This is why I prefer messaging and not talking because it is easier to cut off the conversation and less demanding.

On the other hand, perhaps I should start putting more firm boundaries with her, even if I find it difficult. The few times we do talk, it is always on her terms: long conversations with the camera on. I just didn't have the strength so far to challenge that because it's only a few times a year but perhaps I should try?

Just thinking out loud, sorry

[Cat of the Canals]

I would call what you did "assertive," not "aggressive." I know I'm being pedantic, but I think it's important to remember that boundaries like this are healthy and normal. They are not mean or harsh or bad.

I was thinking of saying that I am taking a break from WhatsApp because I am too busy and it was getting too distracting. Is that a good idea?

I've done this with my mother. 
It's not even untrue... you've just omitted a few details. "I am taking a break from [talking to you on] WhatsApp because I am too busy and it was getting too distracting." 

If you're OK with a brief birthday call, tell her beforehand, "Sure, but I only have a few minutes to talk, so it will have to be brief." Have a fictional or real task ready to go -- I'm meeting a friend for coffee, I have a work call I need to make, etc. Once you've had your fill (I set the kitchen timer when I talk to my PDmom), "That's my reminder! I have to go! Bye!"

[walking on broken glass]

Well, I unblocked my sister but she did not message me for my birthday! Woohoo🎉
She probably thinks this is a punishment for me. It is remarkable though because it is the first time ever that she does not wish me happy birthday.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Whatever, sis. Happy Birthday, wobg! 

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, call me Cordelia!

[walking on broken glass]

The dreaded conversation happened and I think I handled it well!
We were in my parents' place for Christmas dinner and my sister called on Skype. I tried to keep the conversation to safe subjects and asked her lots of questions about where she lives and what they do for Christmas and New Year's and the food etc. This kept the conversation going for a while and I carefully steered it away from her usual complaints about her job and her life in general. Then she asked 'what is the best way to get in touch with you? Because I tried WhatsApp and the messages were not delivered'. I said I uninstalled it for a while because I was very busy and it was getting distracting and I added that I do that from time to time. She claimed she didn't have my new work email address, even though she has my personal email address and she could even find the new work one online if she wanted. But anyway... I then changed the subject and asked her about her trip and eventually hang up saying I have to help with food preparation. I escaped unscathed yoo-hoo!

Meanwhile, my cousin the flying monkey, said to my mum 'I had no idea that walking on broken glass had come', as if we were ever in touch and I had to report my arrival. She also commented under my dad's facebook Christmas post how happy they must be that my sister is coming, as if I didn't exist 😂😂 It is entertaining that she means this as a dig to me and thinks I will be insulted.

I hope everyone is having a decent time this time of the year ♥️

[Breakthrough]

Just wanted to comment in solidarity.  I blocked my sister on my phone for over a year bc she was being so disruptive and disrespectful over text to the point it was upsetting me while I was at work.  Sometimes these hard boundaries need to happen.  I did unblock her eventually at the persistent urging of my parents and other sisters.  She has been better about boundaries since then thankfully.

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks, Breakthrough!
I also noticed that my sis was a bit more careful with me in the discussion we had after the block. When I said I have to go she didn't protest and she didn't try to keep me online by opening up a new discussion subject, as she normally does (it's almost impossible to get off the phone with her). She said ok and we hang up. I wonder if the block made her respect boundaries more.

[SpiritedChange]

It sounds like you are caught in the distancer/pursuer dance with your sister. The more she pursues, the more you distance, so the more she pursues, and on and on the cycle goes. And now with your parents' ill health, because of her BPD, her anxiety levels are going to be heightened dramatically, and her strategy for dealing with this is by reaching out, which clearly doesn't work for you, but it sounds like you don't want to block her permanently.

This might seem counterintuitive, but I'm wondering what might happen if you were to set up a standing date with your sister for more frequent, but time-limited calls? Because of her BPD you can't rely on her to end the calls, because saying goodbye is actually a mild abandonment trigger, so it will fall on you to find the strength to end the conversation at the agreed time. Perhaps this is something worth experimenting with?

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks, SpiritedChange!

I have thought about this too. The simple truth is that I don't really want to talk to her at all. I am actually ok with sporadic text messages. I am also worried about agreeing on pre-arranged calls with her that a) when the time comes to talk, I will not want to go through with it but will have to force myself to do it, something that happened in the past and I hated it, b) this will require of me extra vigilance to put boundaries in place, not just for the duration of the phone call itself, but pushing back against insistence on more regular.

I guess because I did the forced call routine in the past, I have grown allergic to it. I realise that what you suggest is for me to decide that I will have this type of pre-arranged contact, as a sort of compromise, so in that sense it will be my decision and not forced upon me. But I find it very hard not to think of something like that as a chore and an imposition.

I guess I now rely on my parents too, who talk to her every day, to know that she is ok. When my parents die both of us will have to reinvent ways to keep or not keep in touch.