The gifts that don't matter.

[blacksheep7]

Hi all,

I have written quite a few times about dd, early forties and her non interest in me,motionally absent. Wants nothing to do with me, no shopping, going to the movies..... Never calls unless she needs something, boy sitting.  I never refuse an occasion as I love and enjoy having my gkids of six and 9 yrs old.

Dd was passive-aggressive in the past, very angry with me about how I brought her up. She blames me for the separation through her remarks, usually when we are all together. I put a stop to that. Her brother was living with their father to his demand.  They were together every weekend starting friday nights. This was working for us at the time. Dd complains do her b and they gang up on me, many times.
They feed off eachother. If she would be here alone, she would talk about her problems but only look at dh. Such an awful feeling.
They are productive people in society and on the workforce But oh my they can be quite immature on the other hand. My ds is ressembling his NF more and more. I see less and less of him and when I do, there is no conversation unless we ask questions. Dd talks a lot, only about her world.

All in all, they were not happy that I pulled a nc with foo. Actually it was only with covertM but my siblings sided with her.  I was the one who hosted christmas, easter etc...

I am getting off subject but I wanted to put a background picture. 

During covid my kids turned 40. I asked if they were celebrating this milestone. They did by skype with friends. We are always overlooked. I understand that they have their life and believe me they do as we are not present, only if I invite them.

So I had bought dd a special gift for her 40th, a small heart shaped necklace with her birthstone in the middle. I was at her house bringing back her boys after an outing.  We were standing in her foyer because of covid when I gave her the box. She sat down on the stairs opposite us, opened it and said thank you with no emotion and remained seated. Wow    This year I have not given any bday presents, for what???

I still gave her a nice souvenir, a plain ole thank you, again.  I gave the same thing to my niece who takes care of our house when we are away as she lives five mins away.  Well she really appreciated it and showed me how much. She is the daughter I wished I had. Ironically, I am the M she wished she had. My sister is in thick fog, very superficial, no deep convos.

I have stopped inviting them for a get together with a meal since the last ganging up on me.  Dh wanted me to when we came back from Europe a month ago to give them the souvenirs.  No way! I am not going through that again. Now it's only at christmas.

I have accepted that they won't change but it hurts every time.  Next time, no gifts.  By the way, since I didn't give them bday gifts this year, they didn't give me one either like they usually did. 

This year on mothers day, dd came over  stayed two hours and told me that she was going home. I saw her an hour later leaving  my sister's house. On mothers day, oh well.

I find it difficult that I had Pd parents, nc with foo but having both kids as well is just a dig in the heart.  : They are closer to their NF because everything with him is about being silly and funny. Living in the same area, my exh puts himself forward, visiting and calling to make sure he remains present in their lives.


I ask the universe for strength and peace in my mind to get me through these difficult meetings.

[blacksheep7]

I copied part of an arcticle by Better Help.

What To Do When You Are Suddenly Feeling Unappreciated

Many want to feel like the people around them, including family members and certain people, value their efforts, thoughts, and opinions. Appreciation, such as showing appreciation through nice things, might validate and motivate you; this positive feedback can improve your self-esteem, happiness, and relationships. However, in some cases, you may begin feeling unappreciated by your romantic partner or even parents and kids, which can lead to feelings of frustration and negative thoughts.
Feeling unappreciated means that your self-esteem and emotions could be affected, potentially causing you to feel bad and creating conflict in your relationship. Feeling appreciated by people you are close to, such as your partner, children, or family members can be essential to maintaining strong bonds. Recognizing and addressing the unappreciated feeling, possibly through conversation with a licensed clinical social worker or engaging in family therapy, can help you accept and manage negative thoughts, expect better outcomes, and ultimately save your relationship.

Why Appreciation Can Matter In A Relationship

Knowing you're valued as an individual and a partner feels very meaningful. It can help you feel safer, less afraid, more driven, and happier. When your significant other shows appreciation for your efforts, like doing all the work with children, and communicates specific examples of how much they value you, they might make you feel good, confident, and motivated.
On the other hand, feeling as though your efforts aren't recognized could lead to relationship conflicts, low self-esteem, lack of motivation, and mental health concerns. Realizing what unappreciated means in this context is important, although it may cause you to feel worse.

What To Do When You Feel Unappreciated

Appreciation can be a vital aspect of an interpersonal connection, and feeling undervalued can create conflict in a relationship and lead to mental health concerns. If this is the case for you, there are several steps you can take to ensure a lack of appreciation does not negatively affect your self-worth or mental health.

Communicate Your Feelings

You may find yourself hoping others will instinctually recognize what you're thinking, even when you've kept quiet. This expectation may create tension in your relationship when your feelings aren't acknowledged immediately. You might feel your partner should realize when you are feeling unappreciated and should correct their behavior.

[wisingup]

Blacksheep - I see myself in your description of your daughter, meaning I believe my mother would describe me similarly.  She has been disappointed in my "performance" as a daughter.  Can I ask what leads you to believe she is narcissistic?  Below are some common traits of narcissists - which one(s) do you see in her?

Sense of self-importance
Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success
Entitled
Can only be around people who are important or special
Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain
Arrogant
Lack empathy
Must be admired
Envious of others or believe that others are envious of them

From the information you have shared here, she sounds sad & a bit defeated in navigating the relationship with you.  Is it possible you are missing who your daughter really is, in trying to see the daughter you envisioned having?

[SonofThunder]

Hi Blacksheep7,

What you describe sounds very emotionally difficult.  Your thoughtfulness and generosity in giving is so very nice to read. Literally warms me to read about my Out of the FOG comrades who have so much manipulation surrounding them in their lives, yet dont have a hard heart to others.  You come across as a very patient and warm person.

I just wanted to drop in here, tell you that I have read your post and that my heart is tugged in two directions for you; both in ache for you as you so desire things were different with your adult children, and in gladness and strength toward you, because you have put up with so much, yet continue to be genuine. 

Blacksheep, you are heard. You alone are a gift to others.

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

Blacksheep I can relate. I also have a complicated relationship with my daughter. Not all daughters love their mother or want to have a good relationship with them. I also adored my father and did not appreciate my mother and all the work she did for me. Sometimes people carry resentments for decades.

Recently I have decided to take what is good and ignore the rest. I try not to hang on to the hurt she causes me when she has a temper tantrum and explodes all over me. I try to appreciate whatever she decides to share with me. Yours gives you the chance to look after the grandkids. That's wonderful! My mom gave all the love I didn't want from her to my daughter and they had a warm and loving relationship.

I think you are very brave to tell us so openly about your difficulties and you made yourself vulnerable. I send you a big hug! I also understand that this is a difficult topic as most posters on here had less than perfect parents and many had a painful childhood, myself included. We therefore tend to side with the kids.

I hope you have people in your life who truly appreciate you! 

[blacksheep7]

Wisingup,

I'm sorry that your M has been disappointed in your performance as a daughter.  I did not tell mine that I was disapointed in her. Oh no, I learned from my CovertM and her mean remarks.

Dd has many of the traits that you wrote.  How do I know that she is narssictic?  Two parents which brought me here on this board six years ago. I did my homework.  Of course I do not master everything. Life is work in progress.

From the information you have shared here, she sounds sad & a bit defeated in navigating the relationship with you.  Is it possible you are missing who your daughter really is, in trying to see the daughter you envisioned having?

She is sometimes sad and defeated in her own family life, has had many challenges.  I do listen and offer what I can to help her. For one, taking the boys as much as possible.

I was just feeling down when I wrote this. I reread it and sounded in despair which I was at the time. It's over now. I get a pang, old wounds come up. 

Now I'm okay with it all.

[blacksheep7]

SonofThunder,

Thank you for your very kind words! They are warm to my heart.

I enjoy reading your thoughtful posts.

[blacksheep7]

Notrightinthehead,

I like your honesty about not appreciating the work your M did for you.  I agree that people hold grudges for a long time.  That is exactly dd's case.

Sorry to hear that you have a complicated relationship with your daughter.

I am going to concentrate on the good, the way to go. She's not all bad, that's for sure and I do show her my interest about everything she shares that makes her happy. My pangs will diminish in their intensity with time, just like they did with NM.

Thank you for your understanding words and hug.

[bloomie]

blacksheep7 - I am hoping for you all that in time your dd and ds will be able to drop whatever barriers they have built between you and talk with you and attempt to find deeper connections. It seems like you are longing for a bit of ease and mutually supportive relationships with your adult kids and they are still carrying wounds from the past. So hard!

From the very little I know here on this side of the screen, it seems you stay the course and find ways to reach out and be part of their lives, but also are trying to find balance in how far you go - like with the gift giving - because the lack of effort and appreciation to you and for you hurts. The lack of a reasonable amount of reciprocity is unhealthy and may land as punitive on their part toward you. My thoughts are it is wisdom to not keep making yourself vulnerable beyond what your heart can bear.

This glimpse into the complexities of adult children/parent relationships is open and honest and I appreciate you being willing to share how hard this is. Thanks for staying with a hard conversation here and giving us all a chance to support you and better understand!

[blacksheep7]

Thank you bloomie