Hi everyone. Covert NPD spouse I think.

[Kashue]

Hi everyone,

I am here because I believe I'm married to a woman with covert narcissism and I am really hollowed out emotionally after 14 years of marriage.

I hope I can post some more on my situation and would love to get any feedback or advice.

Thanks so much.

I hope that I can also be a support for anyone that is suffering from emotionally painful relationships.

 

[Kashue]

I suppose I'll just post it here and try to keep it basic. 

I am coming here, because I don't have anyone to honestly talk with that doesn't have a stake in my marriage and family.

I am 14 years married to my wife.  We have four very beautiful and dynamic daughters.  Our life is beautiful when looking at it from the outside. I have been blessed in many ways.

My wife had a very traumatic childhood.  Her father murdered her mother and sister with a knife during the Christmas season when she was a baby.  Her grandfather was her father and loved her very well, but he died of Alzheimer's when she was in middle school. Without going into much more detail, she had an emotionally hard aunt that adopted her, and she never felt truly accepted.

I knew she was wounded soon after we started dating. I came to know that she had been sexualized around the age of 14 by a 19-year-old and when I met her she was extremely promiscuous.  She felt no emotional connection to sex and felt it was a casual enterprise.  I on the other hand feel quite the opposite.

This bothered me from the beginning of our relationship, but I decided to move forward with her, because I felt we could create something new together and I believed in her God given dignity.  I wanted her to know how beautiful and worthwhile she was.  I began to fall in love with her and long story short we were married.

To sum it up, we have never really had a deep connection emotionally and when I try to get close to her she revolts.  We are friends (at best) that are married with kids.. she won't let me get any closer. She said she's just not able to offer me a close relationship with compassion and understanding. I have a hollow place in my heart and a yearning to have a companion I can grow with. My personality is INFP-A at "16 personalities", so I'm a mediator and am attracted to authentic relationships.

I was willing to accept my fate in the marriage, despite the emptiness and coldness I feel from her often, despite the arguments and gaslighting, character degradation, etc. until she betrayed me with a close friend.  I forgave this and we tried to move forward, but she wouldn't separate and there were more betrayals over a 3 year timespan.  I scheduled marriage counseling and after two sessions she rejected all advice and won't go back or find another counselor.

I am a family man, and I don't want my daughters to feel the pain of divorce.  I have been trying to communicate better with her, separate our family from her limerent object, and try to tell her how I feel and get some feedback. She simply gets exhausted instantly when I try to broach anything about our relationship.  I'm just hurting and feel hemmed in on all sides.  I feel stuck in pain.

[bloomie]

Hi Kashue - adding another warm welcome to this wonderful community! I am so sorry to think of the unspeakable trauma your wife has experienced and the fall out of that in her life, and of course in yours and your daughter's lives.

Living in a relationship that is not only emotionally unsafe, but where betrayal has manifested without reckoning and amends made, is incredibly difficult. I imagine terribly lonely as well. My heart goes out to you.

I would echo the wise suggestions that you redirect your energies to your own healing and understanding. Something that might need to happen is to reassess how you view yourself in this world and how you view your role and perceived responsibilities in your intimate relationships and parenting.

There is something quite unsettling for an intimate partner to refuse, or withhold, intimacy, emotional support and connectedness from us, betraying and testing our willingness to accommodate and adapt to a life bereft of tenderness, trust, and love.

It seems, from the tiny bit I can know, you are in the unjust position of being the only one committed to holding together your family and that to do so you must accept what is unacceptable. Only you can know if that is feasible and even something you want to be responsible for, when I'm betting you never agreed to not hold your wife accountable and responsible to do whatever she needs to do to heal and stop harming you and betraying you and the promises you made to each other. To be the burden bearer. That is an awful lot to carry.

Keep reaching out here and finding resources for yourself. Keep building a circle of support around yourself that holds your health and wellbeing as important as the health and wellbeing of your wife and children. I am really glad you are here!