Has anyone else dealt with a No Contact NPD parent, who now has dementia?

[My New Life]

I went no contact 4 and 1/2 years ago with an undiagnosed NP mother.  I had reached a point, where I could no longer exist in the relationship.  I needed to step away to protect myself and my health (I was in kidney failure).  For the most part, I have been comfortable with this decision.  The space, gave me time and perspective to heal and gain a stronger understanding of how conditioned I was to jump in and save my mom, over and over again - as she destroyed relationships, living arrangements, business opportunities, and did I mention, relationships?  I would stop my life, throw myself into the midst of her Crazy, and "fix" things, so she could be happy - which she never was.  Going NC saved me physically and emotionally, and gave me space to see how enmeshed I had been and how I was acting out of codependency.

In the past year, my mother has developed significant dementia.  I have been involved, behind the scenes but not in direct contact with her.  I organized her move from her home, to independent living, and then to assisted living; while working with hospital staff, when she was hospitalized, selling her home for her, and coordinating my brother to take over her finances, as her doctor deemed her unable to make financial or health decisions.  I explained to healthcare professionals I was a behind-the-scenes support, but was no longer in direct relationship with my mother. I was surprised by how understanding they were.

Still, the anxiety, fear, and reflexive triggers I experienced, while coordinating all of this, was a strong reminder I was not actually No Contact anymore.  I thought I had healed enough to exist in her hemisphere from afar.  Yet, observed how I dropped everything in my life, to fix hers, over and over this year, though this time due to an actual physical disease - dementia.

The philosophical question for me is this:  Does the fact that my mother has dementia, and therefore is no longer in her right mind, create a shift significant enough for me to re-enter into relationship with her directly?  How damaging to my well-being would it be?  Would I be able to disengage and go back to NC again, if I discovered being in direct contact with her was too destructive? 

Going back into relationship, would not be actual relationship.  It would be a continuation of taking care of her, though now, there is a medical reason.  I just don't have answers.  It feels like, yet another, double bind situation in which there is no correct answer.  If I go back in, I risk losing myself in an endless cycle, from which, it took everything I had to break away.  If I stay out, she leaves this world basically alone. I am pretty sure, if I went back in, I would be on the receiving end of relentless accusations about how and why I "abandoned" her 4 years ago.  Though, my brother, who is still in low contact with her, says conversations are now very circular, because she does not remember what has been said.  This, he says, "stops her from relentlessly coming at you with her argument/accusations for the rest of your life" - like she used to do. 

I am feeling beat down, self-questioning and weak.  I would appreciate any words of advice anyone might have about dealing with the impossibleness that is NPD, now complicated by advanced dementia.

[moglow]

Look up posts by member Woman Interrupted [she's no longer with us unfortunately, passed away within months after her father passed] - she was a storehouse of wit and wisdom dealing with her aged NPD parents, ultimately from afar. She reached a point in her relationships with both where she could not and would not subject herself to it any longer and refused tickets on guilt trips from any and all well-meaning healthcare professionals who insisted otherwise. I'm pretty sure the last few years they were living she neither saw nor spoke to either, their medical issues notwithstanding.

Your mother may or may not remember any of what happened between you, and mentions could be random at best. She could be herself at her worst or could just as easily be some meek sweet soul you never met before. OR could be a very lumpy mixture of a host of personalities. If you are willing, put a toe in that water and see how you feel, a small dip if you will. If that's manageable for you, maybe a foot next time. Just remember, there's no reason I know of on God's green that you need to wave aside all your history with her, medically or otherwise. She may remember or not, but YOU do. So you protect yourself first. If distance is what you need, maintain that distance.

[Leonor]

Hello New Life,

I think you have your answer:

"If I go back in, I risk losing myself in an endless cycle, from which, it took everything I had to break away."

You balance this with your mother "leaving this world all alone," which is a) guilt about how you feel about you, not about her; b) not helpful, since your mother's dementia means that she will not or will soon not recognize you; and c) not true, since you have worked hard to ensure that she is surrounded by trained professionals dedicated to caring for people in her life condition, plus she is still in contact with your brother.

It is very human and heartrending to know that your mom is suffering, that she may soon pass from this world, and with that perhaps the end of any tether to her or hope for some kind of reunion or peace through relationship. It's not guilt; it's grief. And grieving your loss and heartache is ok.

 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

   I agree with the wise words on other posts.

My mother has dementia going on six years now. As harsh as this may sound, I think if there are no other significant health conditions, someone with dementia can live for several years as the disease just runs its course. It is a heartbreak in itself. When you add PD to the mix, it is kind of overwhelming.

I think your statement about stepping in and risk losing yourself to a cycle that took everything you had to break away from is a clarifying aspect. (I am going to remember that too.)

Above all else, I believe your wellbeing matters. I do not believe you owe caregiving to a parent when it comes at a personal cost to you. If you decide to dip a toe in the water, remember to monitor your own status. If the deficits begin to accumulate, jump back out. If you decide to not jump in at all, that is OK.     

[Sneezy]

I think you need to focus on your mother's behavior towards you, regardless of the reasons behind it.  Someone on this forum once put it to me like this - Imagine you are walking on a sidewalk and a van jumps the curb and is barreling right towards you.  What do you do?  You jump out of the way and save yourself, right?  Now, does your answer change depending on *why* the van jumped the curb?  Does it matter if the driver is purposely trying to kill you or if he had a heart attack and is slumped over the wheel unable to control the van?  Of course, not.  Regardless of why the van is heading towards you, you jump out of the way.  So when it comes to your mother, if her behavior harms you - regardless of what is causing her behavior - you need to do what it takes to protect yourself.

I have recently cut way back on contact with my elderly mom.  Her behavior over the past year has gotten significantly more toxic.  I don't know if it's dementia, anxiety, some type of psychosis, old age, or her covert narcissism getting worse.  I'm curious, and I'd sure like to know what the cause is, but I don't.  And the only thing I can do is protect myself by spending less time with her. 

On the other hand, my MIL has been in memory care for two years now.  For most of the time that I've known her, she hasn't liked me at all.  In fact, she is the reason I first started posting on these forums.  But now that she has advanced dementia, she has decided that she likes me and we get along just fine, and I actually enjoy visiting her.  I'm finally getting to see some sweetness in her that I wish I had seen 30+ years ago.

Dementia is difficult and always changing.  You should feel free to adjust your responses as things progress.  What works, or what you need to do today, may be totally different in a few months.  Just be sure to monitor your own well-being and mental health, and take good care of yourself.

[My New Life]

Thank you, Moglow, Leonor, Blueberry Pancakes and Sneezy.  Your words of warm advice and wisdom, are appreciated and taken to heart.  I am sure this wisdom has come at an extraordinary price.  Taking time to share with others, such as myself, when we are struggling, is heartwarming and a gift.  Thank you.  You have helped more than you know.

[moglow]

Oh we know.  Being heard and no one pooh poohing or downplaying everything is priceless isn't it. Even if I may not like what someone has to say, I always gain by talking things through. There are no easy answers, but it's so good to not be alone.

[Cat of the Canals]

During a period with a lot of flying monkey activity that had my husband struggling with guilt and questioning whether he needed to do "more" for his PDmom, I said, "They are asking you to comfort your abuser." I swear I could actually see the guilt as it left him.

I know your situation is slightly different, because it doesn't sound like any of the pressure in this case is coming from outside, but I still think it applies. I don't think anyone is obligated to comfort or care for their abuser. Sick or not. "Changed" or not.

[My New Life]

Thank you, Cat of the Canals.  I have read many of your entries on this forum and you give excellent advice.

I have elected to stay NC.  I will do what I can, to insure she is in a facility, where her needs are met, from a distance that keeps me protected, which means NC. 

[wisingup]

Hi New Life & welcome!

I am facing many of the same question as you.  My uBPDm is 85, just moved to assisted living, and cycles between guilt trips & meltdowns to being sweet as pie & wanting to pretend the bad behavior never happened.  She also has serious cognitive issues, though her doctor says she does not actually have dementia.  It sure seems like she does though - she is not the same person she was 10 or even 3 years ago. 

The philosophical question for me is this:  Does the fact that my mother has dementia, and therefore is no longer in her right mind, create a shift significant enough for me to re-enter into relationship with her directly?  How damaging to my well-being would it be?  Would I be able to disengage and go back to NC again, if I discovered being in direct contact with her was too destructive?

I am struggling with this as well.  I manage her finances from afar. My brother manages her medical care.  I haven't actually seen her in many months.  The last time we spoke about something other than finances was when she called me soon after an epic meltdown that was extremely traumatic for me and my brother (probably for her as well), & wanted to have a cozy little chat like nothing had happened.  This dynamic causes incredible confusion & anxiety for me.  I find myself endless making excuses for her, trying to tease out whether she is fully responsible for her behavior now that cognitive decline and the occasional UTI are thrown into the mix. 

I had the realization this week that after feeling responsible for her emotional wellbeing for so many years, I worry about her the way I would one of my children.  Although I actually don't worry about my children that way anymore, as they are capable young adults who are running their own lives.

You're dealing with similar stuff to a lot of us here & asking good questions. Keep reading & posting & hopefully we can all support each other through our journeys.