Dealing with their fleas (and mine) during holidays

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I was brought up with PD caretakers.  (Still healing from that.)  I married and had kids with someone who, I was later told by a psychologist, was a narcissist.
  
My therapists have said I do not have a PD, but I know I must be a flea carrier.  So, between my kids' narc father and their codependent flea-carrying mom (me), my adult children have picked up some fleas.  And there's another uPD in our lives now who is intensifying all that. 
 
I guess if I had to name the 3 most prevalent types of fleas in our family it would be "shame;"  "a feeling of not mattering;"  &  "feeling unacceptable (& therefore fearful of losing LO's)." 
 
Holidays - add them in !!!  Yikes !!!  A small misunderstanding, a tiny lapse in thoughtfulness. This one feels offended, angry, blaming.  That one feels devalued, hurt and withdrawn.  Another is up to their eyeballs with people pleasing behavior.  Off we go, like dominoes.

How is it that I feel I don't matter and yet, at the same time, am responsible for everything and everyone and all mistakes?  Oh, yeah.  The scapegoat role.  ... Pause ... Breathe ... 

Does anyone relate?  What has worked for you?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oof yeah I feel you so hard. It doesn't matter what *I* receive, but I had better give *perfectly*. Presents, sure, but the entire magical holiday experience with perfect house, food, decorations, music, cheerful demeanor... Christmas in Stepford. Definitely that was my role in the FOO, to react all starry-eyed to their holiday show and sell it to them.

In my adult life, I had given myself to this life against both my parents and ILs wishes, and damn it I am gonna do it to the nth degree! Better than they ever did!

At least that was young Cordelia. Running their script, but stepping it up a bit and thinking I was doing better.

I got tired and have fewer F's to give. But I still weep over my husband's lame elf abilities because it feels all on me. Every year I put down just a little more.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

CMC, It sounds like holidays can be very painful for you, too.  "Putting down a little more" is definitely better than spinning out on it a little more. 

There's something to be said for going in the right direction, even slowly.  Baby steps are something to be celebrated.  That's a good thing to remember when stress is mounting.  Thanks!

[Leonor]

I know it's such a hard time of year, and I don't mean to make light of the difficult feelings, but one thing I do when I feel like I'm about to lose it is watch the Mom-at-Christmas clips from Saturday Night Live. Kristen Wiig and Cecily Strong's skits hit home and make me laugh for a moment, and help me feel not so alone!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Ouch.  Just found out I was not told about (let alone invited to) another important FOO gathering that happened recently.  Not that I want to be with them all.  And I dropped the effort to try to be liked and included by them quite a while ago (am now VLC).  Still, it feels yucky and a little like "What did I do wrong to be treated this way?"  Even though I know that question doesn't apply when you're in a PD family.  Still, those feelings arise.

Leonor, I like your idea.  I'll pull up those skits.  Humor is a great way to counteract the sting.