The Holidays

[UnNegated]

I am 52 and the only child of an aging NM.  I have gone NC three times in my life, and this time feels more permanent.  More permanent because I made the decision on my own and not in concert with a married partner.  More permanent because I am making the decision to protect my eight year old son and not just myself (how bad does that sound?).  More permanent because I understand more deeply the dynamics at work, the work that needs to be done, the grieving I need to do about what I never had, and the example I need to set so I break the cycle for my son's benefit - a promise I made to his mom before he was born.

The trigger was ridiculous.  NM had bought him a bunch of Duplo blocks when he was 4, and I allowed his mother to take them to the daycare she worked at last year because he wasn't using and had outgrown them.  When my NM saw that they weren't in his play room, she lost her s*** and started disparaging his mother right in front of him.  After he went to sleep, she came out of the guest room and laid into me, or tried to, and I pushed back hard and essentially told her I was done being spoken to this way.  There were eight days left in the visit, and she essentially ignored me in my own home whenever he wasn't present for those eight days.  I decided before she left that I was done playing this game, and upon her departure told her I was no longer playing by her rules.  She was playing by mine or there would be no game.  I have not heard from her since, and that I what I expected, and even wanted.

The holidays have arrived, and my relationship with them has always been warped because the holidays for me were more enforced than celebrated.  I remember any time they, or birthdays, were coming up, I would always hear her storm down the hall to my room and get in my face and tell me that I had better get gifts for my grandpa, aunt, and cousin or I would embarrass her.  Gifts were tools of supply for her because she would fantasize about how they would be used, and she would keep tabs on them whenever she would visit the people they were given to.  She would always insist that her gifts be given the attention, and if they were used she would bait the recipient into complimenting and thanking her.  If they were not used, she would try and get the recipient to use her gift in front of her.  I confronted her about this sick pattern so many times in my life I literally lost count.  She was incapable of hearing me.  Gifts and money were her tools of exercising power and coercive control, and she could not have that challenged.

One of the boundaries I asserted over the summer was no more gifts.  My ex-wife and I tried to set that boundary long ago.  When going through my divorce and other traumas in my life simultaneously, I made the mistake of welcoming my NM back into my life, which sent her the message that everything was fine and all was forgiven.  It wasn't, and I deeply regret that mistake in judgement.  We can only be where we are while we're there, and I have to give myself grace.  A few weeks ago, I received my first communication from her since the summer.  It was not an acknowledgement or acceptance of responsibility for what I had confronted her with over the summer (shocking, I know).  It was a PDF of her Christmas gift for my son without even a message attached.  I told her no more gifts, so he will not be receiving the gift.

I did have to tell him over Thanksgiving that grandma is not coming.  I told him in eight year old language that she was not kind to me on her last visit, and that she was trying to be nice to him while being cruel to and ignoring me.  Or, in other words that we would use placing me in the role of SG and him in the role of GC - which is what has been happening for a long time.  I have allowed and enabled it to my shame.  He seemed to understand, and even suggested that I invite the cousin (on my dad's side) who is nice to me over for Christmas instead of the mom who isn't.  I know I am teaching him that it is OK to set boundaries when someone treats us poorly, and that lesson will serve him well in life.

She is 79 and becoming increasingly physically fragile.  I know that going NC has taken its toll on her, and she is too proud and enmeshed in her disorder to be able to see beyond her own narrative.  That will manifest in difficult ways that cannot be avoided.  There could be a flying monkey phone call to try to talk me to my senses.  There could be a message that she has a health crisis.  There could be a message that she has been found dead in her home.  Some form of this will at some point occur, so there is the constant nagging sense of anticipation.  And there is the grieving while she is still alive.  I know there will never be accountability or the acceptance of responsibility.  The precursors of any meaningful reconciliation will not occur, because the PD is so entrenched.  So I am still in the baby step early stages of coming to terms with it all.  And finding a PD informed therapist these days is challenging to say the least.  So I find myself here.

It's a lot.  It feels so heavy.  And yet I am choosing to be free.  Clearly, I do not yet feel free, and much of that is triggered by the social and conditioned expectations of the season.  I just want it to pass, and yet I want my son to have an authentic experience untainted by my baggage.  It doesn't help that I recently parted ways with my partner of almost 2 years and my friend of 18.
 
Sometimes when we make healthy decisions for ourselves, the only benefit we get is knowing we made a healthy decision.  The good that flows from it is often drama free silence, but it is still silence.  The silence for me feels deafening.

[Leonor]

Hi UnNegated,

It is excruciating to allow the acceptance that our parents do not have our best interests at heart, that they are incapable of a true, real loving relationship, and that no amount of pleading, explaining or patience will bring about change ... Especially as we get older, and see them get older, and realize that life is finite.

I'm also sorry to hear that you are experiencing other significant losses, especially at a time of year when togetherness and community are so intensely communicated in the media.

If I may, I would just note that "I told him in eight year old language that she was not kind to me on her last visit, and that she was trying to be nice to him while being cruel to and ignoring me" is not appropriate for a father to tell his son, especially an 8 year old, in reference to his grandmother. That puts your son between his father and his grandmother, and can only confuse him and make him feel guilty for enjoying the attention of someone who is simultaneously being mean to his dad. Leave your son out of it. If he says, "Hey, where's Grandma?" all he needs to know is that Dad and Grandma have some adult stuff to work out, but not to worry, it's fine, and then send him on his way. He's 8. He doesn't need to know anything more for his safety or wellbeing, and you are not to enlist your son in a tug of loyalty war with your mom. Put your man pants on and handle your mother.

That said, is there a way you can turn this lonely time into a few weeks of peace, solitude and gratitude? Can you travel somewhere that can take you somewhere new and unfamiliar? Can you treat yourself to a new hobby or activity? Take lessons or learn a new language? Meditate practice? Focus on new year resolutions? In other words, disentangle your trauma mind from the toxic relationships in your recent experience and create space for a more centered, focussed, peaceful you?

[walking on broken glass]

I am really sorry unnegated. It looks to me that you see things very clearly and that you are taking all the right steps to heal. Don't blame yourself for allowing your mum into your life. Unfortunately the relationship with a PD relative is hard to navigate and definitely not linear. It is great that you leapt into action and cut her off when it was necessary to do and that you also protected your son. He might have already perceived that something was off. He is eight years old after all. As you say, it is a great lesson for him to see his parent putting boundaries in place. I hope you find a good therapist and you keep writing to us here and let us know how the situation develops.

[sunshine702]

The holidays are tough!  Yes I absolutely know that feeling  of being between relationships and that SILENCE -You nailed it. 

Try to think of that Corona commercial where the palm tree suddenly lights up in Christmas lights on a beautiful secluded beach.   So You have cast off all the TOXIC family Christmas traditions.   Think about what YOU want the holiday to be for you and your son.  Think about food (my husband and I put a slice of cooked bacon in our dog bowls on Christmas morning)  acts of service (a day outdoors cleaning a roadside can actually be fun and bonding)
Making some craft item or growing cooking herbs.  Something NEW this year .  If it works you can add to it next year.  What are these holidays REALLY about?

[sunshine702]

A Jerry Wise video about not playing the ping pong - super good to remember this time of year.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-E5otKBkeWM&t=532s

[UnNegated]

Thank you for all the feedback.  I have become a fast fan of Jerry Wise.  His name is appropriate.

[sunshine702]

This Ramani video was so spot on it was awesome!!  Grief.  That is exactly what I am feeling right now and trying to work through!!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1lDuCAgi78E