Want to get out of 'self isolating'

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

I was wondering if anyone else has this issue? I have been 'self isolating' a lot, and it's been really bad for me. I have recently been through a period of depression, and I know it's not good, but I just kept doing it. I'm trying hard to get out of that habit!

Part of it is linked to feeling bad about myself (a large part!). I feel bad for not having met certain 'milestones' etc. having children, my own house etc. It's strange because there's another part that feels fine, but my siblings, SIL and some friends (I'm starting to re-evaluate friendships like this!) have just said things that are hurtful and made me feel bad for not reaching certain milestones in my life. I just feel bad about myself and that makes me want to isolate more.

Anyway, any words of wisdom would be much appreciated!

[bloomie]

It's strange because there's another part that feels fine

I like this bit, JollyJazz! Are you able to lean into the part of you that feels fine? The milestones of others may not be your milestones. The world is filled with healthy, lovely adults that are not married, do not have children, and do not own homes.

Maybe a response going forward to those in your circle who may truly believe you are missing out on something would be something like: "I hope you can celebrate the life I have built with me because even though it might look different than yours, I feel good about it." In your own words of course. Maybe it is time to take a stand that doesn't allow the misconceptions of others to seep into your heart and how you define yourself?

[JollyJazz]

Hi Bloomie,

Thanks for your kind words!

Yes I agree! I think part of it is also being around people that will use anything they can, to cause hurt!

Also, two days ago I took a big step towards getting my own home. So I don't (yet) own a home but I will. :-)

I've decided to get distance from my siblings and their partners, some recent nastiness has reminded me of that! I feel like it's just so many things, and life is too short for that kind of nonsense!

Thank you

[bloomie]

JollyJazz - I kid you not, I had a similar conversation last night with my DH when he brought up some disordered, upsetting behavior between two of our friends. I just can't bring myself to dwell on nonsense that I have zero control over and that impacts me negatively. Life is indeed too short!

[JollyJazz]

Absolutely!

People can be really mean!

There's something strange about people that want to get little 'digs' in. It's such nastiness, especially when it's aiming for perceived vulnerability or social vulnerability etc. (i. e. a stigmatized or slightly stigmatized group).

Even if we are fine with the way we are, it's a huge red flag when someone is trying to tear us down via our vulnerabilities! It is hurtful but I think it's that mindfulness that can protect us!

It's so different when someone just mistakenly says something, but to deliberately hurt someone takes a lot of nastiness.

I don't have room for that in my life anymore!

[tf322]

Hi Jolly,

I want to thank you for creating this thread.  Unfortunately, I don't have an answer because I'm in the same boat.  You are having a lot of great insight, so be proud of yourself.  It's very easy, especially if you have some 'flight' inside you, to find so many different kinds of media to disconnect and isolate with. 

I personally try and reach out to one friend per week if I can.  But not always, ha.

[1footouttadefog]

A couple of things come to mind. 

People start fresh all the time.  Fires, divorce, loss of jobs, relocating for various reasons, bereavement, empty nesters, getting out of military, etc etc.

It's okay to start where you are with what you have and make your best life from here out. 

As to the self isolation, I have been through this a couple of times.  I would recommend getting out to do things that are low stakes.  Take a walk. Visit a park or gallery or museum.  Go to a small town and visit a shop or two and grab a coffee or sandwich.  Maybe do some volunteer work and join a meetup centered around an activity.  Maybe a free music or art venue.  Kayak, hike, canoe, or walk around at a farmers market or flee market. Go to Barnes and Noble and read magazines over coffee or a smoothie.

Just get out and live a little where the social stakes are low.  Where meetings will be less intense.  Be mindful of what sparks your interest, what you find appealing and what you dislike, embrace being you.

[tf322]

Hey again Jolly,

Would it be of any utility to join an online group and try and make some connections first that way, and then maybe if the group has an IRL meet-up you could try and attend?  I've found some really kind people at some meetup groups that were very welcoming, and I am NOT an extrovert.  Start super small.  just go out by yourself somewhere and you don't even need to interact, just linger a bit and feel what it feels like to be around people.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Tf322 and 1footoutofthefog,

Thanks very much for your words!

I've been reaching out to friends and new acquaintances a bit lately.

I've found over the last year or so, I would do nice little things for myself - go to the cinema, hot pools or some exercise each day, and that would really help.

I've been a lot more social lately so that has been good. Reaching out bit by bit really helps. I also sent a bunch of Christmas cards - a good way to connect.

Anyway, thanks again for your kind words. The desire to 'self isolate' is often self protective, when we've been through a lot of emotional abuse in our FOO, it can be a way of protecting ourselves, but we get hurt anyway by being alone if we do it too much! Anyway, the good news is that I have been reaching out more, I hope you can too. In addition - I've been planning some outdoors adventures, which helps me a lot. I have gotten a campervan and so it's nice to have that to look forward to. Best wishes :-)

[keepmoving]

The desire to 'self isolate' is often self protective, when we've been through a lot of emotional abuse in our FOO, it can be a way of protecting ourselves, but we get hurt anyway by being alone if we do it too much!

JollyJazz, your statement about how isolating can end up hurting us instead of protecting us caught my attention because it's true, sometimes I feel so safe at home, and it's wonderful to feel safe. But, sometimes it feels suffocating, like I can't leave the room because I have nowhere to go. I always forget the benefits of being outside or around other people, as they are less tangible though they are definitely felt.

Can anyone else relate to the feeling of contentment at simply having gotten away from a traumatic situation? And the feeling of: what more could I want?

Thank you for sharing JollyJazz, I'm glad you are reaching out more, it gives me hope that I can.

[JollyJazz]

Thank you for this!

Yes, I'm definitely getting better at reaching out.

I realised the dysfunctional FOO had a kind of pull on me and along with separating myself, I just want to reach out to healthy people.