Taking control of my time back

[Sneezy]

I took my mom to the doctor this week.  As usual, she complained pretty much the entire time we were together.  One of her big complaints is that I don't answer her phone calls.  She claimed to know that I was at home, and could hear my phone ring, but I didn't answer.  Which is 100% true.  I reminded mom that I work and I have other commitments.  Well, she noticed my gym bag in the back seat and wailed "but you have time to go the gym."  The implication, of course, is that I should never spend any time on myself unless I've attended to all mom's needs first.

The problem is that I actually do feel guilty when I say no to people and put my own desires first.  For example, I have a friend who I see every few months.  She texted yesterday and wants to get together.  I suggested lunch.  She said no, she wants to go out to dinner.  The problem is that dinner with this particular friend is a never-ending affair.  I prefer lunch during the week, as it's pretty much understood that after 60-90 minutes it's time "to get back to the office."  I texted back and told my friend that I don't want to drive alone at night (it's cold and dark and yucky out lately, so this is true) and reiterated that I would love to see her for breakfast, brunch, coffee, or lunch.  And now she has stopped texting and I feel guilty. 

How do I take control of my time back?  I want time to take walks and go to the gym and maybe just rearrange my kitchen cabinets, without feeling like I have to say yes to everything. I don't feel like I should be at everyone's beck and call all the time.  And I especially don't want to be at my mom's beck and call - she is in independent senior living and has everything she needs.  I don't need to ask "how high," every time mom says "jump."  And yet, I still feel guilty when I don't answer her calls.

[moglow]

I'll play! What are her calls about - more complaints? Repetition of the conversation you just had two days ago? She's bored and you're supposed to somehow fill that void yet again instead of filling it herself? For what it's worth, her complaint "you have time for the gym" can be quickly countered with "I make time for the gym just like I made time for you today, yet here you are complaining it's not enough. I'm not sure how anyone help you with that." Even if she gets upset, it may give her something to think about.

Brother recently went yet another round with md, her insistence that he come eat lunch with her after she'd spent days in vicious meltdowns over damned near everything. His response? No. You're not pleasant company these days and I can eat more peacefully by myself. I'll talk to you tomorrow. She didn't like it but not one thing she could do. [AND she was nicer the next day.]

I think every once in a while it behooves us to point out the obvious: We all have lives that include family, school, work and we find time where we want to include other activities/people outside our immediate family bubble. If those things are not enjoyable we're going to limit if not eliminate them altogether. Inserting more complaints isn't going to make that more palatable for us.

No is a powerful word. It's not always easy but it is necessary if we're to find any measure of peace. No, friend, I'm not available for dinner. We can't do brunch/lunch/coffee? Odd, but okay. Talk to you soon!

[Boat Babe]

I've learnt to say no (polite;y) and have found that nothing bad happens!  I have discovered that the more boundaried I am, the more people respect me. I do say yes a lot as well as I am fully engaged in activism and social and arts based events and know a lot of people. The yes answers are freely chosen now and I enjoy what I agree to do. There are some things that are unavoidable as well and I try to do these with good grace (helping elderly uBPDmum with her health issues) but I don't do stuff that she demands, only what the situation demands. Big difference.
I really get how the guilt gets to you so perhaps you can learn to engage with the guilty feelings and try to find the THOUGHT that underlies it. Feelings arise from thoughts and if you can challenge your narrative you can free yourself of the painful and unnecessary FOG feelings. Best of luck.

[wisingup]

No. You're not pleasant company these days and I can eat more peacefully by myself. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Damn Moglow - your brother is my hero.  His statement is so simple and so true. 

[moglow]

@wisingup he's mine too more often than he knows. I truly don't know how he puts up with her anymore. She always has excuses, i.e. someone she can somehow blame, but it is nice to spell it out occasionally.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think I understand the guilty feeling about not answering calls. I always think the underlying driver is a sense of obligation. We jump at the behest of someone else, then they are happy. Even if we are not happy, we are relieved that they are.     
       
I also do not answer calls unless I am in the right mindset. My dad has on occasion repeatedly called over and over, then called my husband's phone, then called our landline up to sometimes 12 times. There is never any urgent situation. When I return the call, I am greeted with a verbal attack against me. I find the less I explain, the better it seems.   
               
If it helps, I think it is more about them feeling ignored than any reaction to a wrong-doing on your part.

I think when you did not want to have dinner with a friend, but offered lunch you were expressing a healthy boundary. It is up to her whether she accepts the option or not. If she does not accept, it may say something about her and really not be a reflection on you. I also think not answering a ringing phone or choosing to call back at a more convenient time, is also living a boundary and that is alright. 

[Happypants]

Hi Sneezy.  It's a difficult situation because, if you're anything like me, the ignoring of the call results not only in guilt, but also a distracting general discomfort that lingers making me wonder whether I would have been better off just answering 

If it's any help, what I've found is that the more I've practiced only answering when i'm up to it, the easier it has become.  After ignoring a call, my mother would often say "I saw you were on facebook" (ie, I know you were available when I called), my father would guilt me with how supposedly worried they were when I didn't answer/call back straight away.  Avoiding fawning and justifying, but agreeing (or "hhmmmmm"ing) in a neutral but disinterested tone, then changing the subject when they did this seemed to take the power out of their repeated attempts - they got no supply.  Most of the time, I can ignore a call and then get back to focusing on whatever I was doing, and they're less inclined to push me for justification afterwards.   

[Cat of the Canals]

It is beyond ridiculous that your mother would complain that you are taking time to care for your health by exercising! She might as well complain that you took time to bathe or buy vitamins or have your teeth cleaned. And I think we both know this isn't about you going to the gym. You have never been able to meet your mother's needs/wants to her satisfaction, because her needs and wants aren't reasonable or rational.

I've probably asked you this before, but imagine a time when you were at your most enmeshed. A time when you dropped everything anytime she demanded it and ran to her aid. Was she happy? Did she say, "Thank you, Sneezy, for taking such good care of me. You are a good daughter." I can guess the answer is a big fat NO. So of course she's going to whine when it's clear you're not catering to her every whim anymore. She wants you back on the hamster wheel, forever running to try to please her.

It's also ridiculous for your friend to be so passive-aggressive about you asking to do lunch instead of dinner. She doesn't sound like any friend I'd like to have. Instead of feeling guilty, try PISSED OFF on for size. Because anger is the appropriate response to someone giving you the silent treatment -- for any reason -- but especially over something so trivial.

But I digress...

As a lifelong people-pleaser, the single most important thing I did was reframe how I thought of my time. I had to establish that:

-My time is limited. Not just in how many hours I have in a day, but also just in general. I don't have forever to do the things I want to do!

-My time has value. It is not a free resource that others can take without consequence.

-My time is MINE FIRST. I have to meet my own needs before I can give to others.

-My wants are legitimate. And sometimes I just don't want to.

-A reasonable request is not obligatory. My mother raised me to think that if someone made a reasonable request of me, I *really should* do it, because it was *not a big deal*. The missing piece was the notion that my choosing NOT to do something may also be reasonable and not a big deal! Also, I'm sure you know how sometimes all those little *not a big deals* start piling up until suddenly we're standing next to a mountain of obligations we never wanted anything to do with.

It took time to get there. It was really uncomfortable, and I felt a lot of guilt the first year or so. But I stuck with it and repeated all of the above to myself and said out loud, "I refuse to feel guilty about this!" a lot, even though it wasn't always true. But eventually it did become true, little by little. It probably took 3-4 years, but I genuinely feel very little guilt about prioritizing myself and my time these days.

[Cat of the Canals]

"I make time for the gym just like I made time for you today, yet here you are complaining it's not enough. I'm not sure how anyone help you with that."

BRB, I have to go tattoo this somewhere on my body so I can always have it at the ready.   

[wisingup]

Sneezy - I am fighting back some guilt lately as well.  For me, it's around setting some boundaries with my young adult kids.  We are approaching retirement & need to adjust to living on a firm budget.  It is time to establish that mom & dad no longer provide annual family trips, pay for all meals out, etc with our gainfully employed kids.  The one who lives with us will start to pay rent.  It's a hard thing to do, but I think it's an important precedent to moving to a relationship of equals. 

For what it's worth, I respect & even feel secure with people who set boundaries.  The rules/expectations are clear. Long ago, my DH and I approached his parents for help with a down payment & they kindly but firmly said "it's not a good time."  We didn't mind at all, we figured out a way to do it ourselves & there was no awkward entanglement around repayment. And, we never asked them for money again.  So it's more painful in the moment, but it will pay dividends in every interaction going forward.  For those who push back on the boundaries, well - I guess you've learned a little more about them.

[Sneezy]

So much wisdom from you all - thank you!

I've been thinking about time quite a bit lately.  It's all we have, really.  We all have a certain amount of time, and we don't know how much we have, but it's ours.  And we each get to choose how to spend our time.

So often, I get roped into things because I feel like "someone has to do xxx."  It's time to drop that attitude!

I remember back in 2019, on New Years Eve, I made a resolution to get out more, be more social, say "yes" more often.  And then of course the pandemic hit a few months later and that resolution went out the window.  But looking back on it, that resolution really needs some refinement.  I need to be a bit more thoughtful about saying "yes."  Before automatically jumping into a commitment, I need to decide if it's really how I want to spend my time.  I guess what I'm saying is that there is room for some balance between getting out and trying new things and figuring out how I really want to spend my time.  Because it is mine to spend.

Now my mother would disagree and say that I owe her my time because she is my mother and it's my job to make her happy and entertain her and take care of her.  But that is BS.  I will spend some time with her, but it's going to be on my terms.  Ever since this past summer, I have made a point of not spending time alone with my mom if I can help it.  She behaves better and is much nicer to me when other people are around.  So far, this seems like a good boundary for me, even though I can tell that mom doesn't like it.  But again, it's my time - and if I don't choose to spend time alone with my mom (where she takes every opportunity to dump all her toxic feelings on me), then so be it.

[Cat of the Canals]

Now my mother would disagree and say that I owe her my time because she is my mother and it's my job to make her happy and entertain her and take care of her. 

I find this interesting, because my PDmom and PDmil are the same way. I always wonder, "Why does it only go one way?" And also, if one party in a parent-child relationship is actually supposed to unconditionally dote on the other, as their logic suggests, wouldn't it make more sense for the child to be the one getting all of the unconditional resources??? But there I go again, trying to make sense of nonsense. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Mine would say outright, "I gave you eighteen years, now it's your turn." 

Hey, I'm 37, my time's up now! Right? That's gotta be how it works. 

[lkdrymom]

I agree with Moglow, sometimes you just have to tell them the truth.  Nothing wrong with saying that you don't want to spend time with them because they are so unpleasant.  Of course in their time one was expected to spend time with an elder no matter how miserable they were to be around.  So they assume you should too.  My father once said that to me.  I told him today's generation realized they don't have to put up with that kind of garbage.

My father always had an issue that I never 'visited' him.  I saw him every week but as soon as I walked in the door he put me to work.  That changed it from a visit to a chore. I guess he assumed I still owed him the visit but I only have so much time to go around and if this is how you choose to use it, so be it.

[Dragonfly]

My father always had an issue that I never 'visited' him.  I saw him every week but as soon as I walked in the door he put me to work.  That changed it from a visit to a chore. I guess he assumed I still owed him the visit but I only have so much time to go around and if this is how you choose to use it, so be it.
[/quote
   Yessss...My mother tells everyone she never sees me.  I do shop for her most weekends and am usually there almost an hour when dropping things off. It's an all afternoon affair with repeated calls - add-ons ,& multiple stops. She gets mad if you are short with her in any way when she calls....like if you are talking to another human being.
   When she says this -she complains that i am in and out. Just like being there for her surgeries and emergencies... it doesn't count.   In my head -the message is i dont count -and neither does my time.

[Pepin]

My father always had an issue that I never 'visited' him.  I saw him every week but as soon as I walked in the door he put me to work.  That changed it from a visit to a chore. I guess he assumed I still owed him the visit but I only have so much time to go around and if this is how you choose to use it, so be it.

Ugh, I watched my DH go through the same thing with his mother.  Every.single.visit revolved around chores.  And DH just did them because he felt badly for her - that she didn't know how to do something, didn't want to do something, or refused to pay someone else.  Why would she pay for help when DH could do it for her for free?  I thought it was incredibly odd that this was such a transactional relationship -- that they didn't just hang out and chat like other people do -- or have tea and coffee, take a walk, etc.  DH had to help his mother go through her mail, bank and credit card statements, write checks, reset timers, fix the VCR (again), fix the remote and the channels (again), go through her phone and help her set stuff up or retrieve voicemails that she didn't know how to access, take care of the yard, clean something, etc. on and on and on....even drive her to the bank and take money out of the ATM for her from her account.  Mind numbing.  Of course she knew how to do all of that stuff....but she played the weaponized incompetence card in order to get him to spend time with her...and he just couldn't say no. 

[lkdrymom]

Don't even get me started on fixing the remote. My father would expect me to leave work to fix his. When I would say  'no I can't do that"  he would wail "what am I supposed to do???".  Seriously I wrote out easy instruction for reprogramming it and he tells me it is easier if I just do it for him. Well that is not easier for ME but that doesn't count.

[Pepin]

Don't even get me started on fixing the remote. My father would expect me to leave work to fix his. When I would say  'no I can't do that"  he would wail "what am I supposed to do???".  Seriously I wrote out easy instruction for reprogramming it and he tells me it is easier if I just do it for him. Well that is not easier for ME but that doesn't count.

Yes - even writing out the instructions for her, she just couldn't figure it out.  Rather, she chose not to figure it out.  How hard can it be?  Basic remotes were made for average people to use with ease.  She also had the most dumbed down cell phone and still couldn't figure it out.  Even the most basic iPad was a no go and iPads have been a hit amongst senior citizens for their ease and also for allowing seniors to participate and communicate with family members and friends.      CN MIL only wanted in person contact because she didn't give a rat's a$$ about anyone's time. 

[Sneezy]

I've been reading all the comments, and boy can I relate.  As far as my mom is concerned, only certain activities "count" as spending time together.  If my DH comes along for lunch, well that doesn't "count" because she didn't have time alone with me.  If we have mom over for Sunday dinner and other relatives are also there, that doesn't "count" because I am busy entertaining other people in addition to her.  It is mind-boggling how mom comes up with her rules regarding what counts and what doesn't.

As far as weaponized incompetence, mom is a Jedi master.  I can't leave her a message on her phone, because she claims she doesn't know how to retrieve her messages.  She also claims she doesn't know how to text, can't figure out how to use Uber, you name it.  She is as helpless as can be.  And all she wants is for me to drop everything whenever she calls, and either call her back and entertain her, or - better yet - run right over and take her out somewhere and entertain her.  Because she is booooooorrrrred.  And no one is nice to her and there is nothing to do and her phone doesn't work and her ipad won't charge and she can't figure out the TV remote and and and ......

She is exhausting 

[lkdrymom]

Learned helplessness.  My father just wanted someone to cater to him and fuss over him.  It is like he didn't even know me...I am the last person to 'fuss' over anyone.  You got a problem, let's roll up our sleeves and fix it. That drove my father crazy because he wanted to spend endless time discussing and fretting over the problem rather than just fixing it.  What he wanted was to waste all my free time. His favorite line was "I thought you needed something to do".