Do you tell a 94 yr old with NPD they have dementia?

[Ataloss]

The neurologist has told me my mother has dementia.  She has an undiagnosed NPD.  I initially did not not want the doctor to tell my mother she had dementia but am now thinking it may be a good idea.  Does anyone have any advice?

She is in good physical shape and was going to the YMCA for workouts several days a week.  She continually tells me what great shape she is in and she is not like others who use canes and walkers.  She does admit to having a memory problem and is frustrated by it. 

A little history... she has been driving on a suspended license.  Has been stopped 4 times.  Police usually just drive her home then she calls me to get her car.  The last time the car was impounded.  I was able to get the car and have kept it.  Since the car was taken, it has exacerbated her dementia and caused delusions.  She is VERY angry with me for stealing her car. She believes she has a rental car that needs to be returned. I have taken her to the DMV to try and renew her license (although I don't believe it should be renewed).  She will need her Neurologist to complete a medical form.  I am sure the Dr. will not okay her to drive.  She will likely not like the doctor and want to go to another doctor.  She lives alone and can't seem to manage the Uber or taxi process even though I posted the phone # in large number on wall.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome! I am so glad you have found the forum and have reached out for support and encouragement. Such a tough gig to have an elder who is uNPD and in the midst of dementia.

You ask: "I initially did not not want the doctor to tell my mother she had dementia but am now thinking it may be a good idea.  Does anyone have any advice?"

I can't know for sure what is best and right for you, but can tell you from personal experience that me being the one to tell my own mother of her diagnosis of dementia meant she fought and denied and blamed me. I became the place she and my father could put all of their frustration and denial.

I would suggest that you encourage the doctor to tell your mother of the clinical findings. And when she asks you... if she does... do you think that is true? You could say... that is what the findings seem to be and what the doctor is telling us. If you can avoid being on the front lines of something an elderly uPD doesn't want to hear or accept I highly recommend it.

In the meantime, I moved your post over here to this board to give you the best possible opportunity for responses. Keep coming back and sharing how things are going. We have great resources at the drop down menus above and a wonderful community of fellow travelers! Again, welcome!

[NarcKiddo]

I agree with Bloomie. Any diagnosis needs to be communicated by the doctors and any "blame" is then assigned to them, not you.

As for the car, could you go along with the rental car idea and say they contacted you and asked you to return it, so you did.

As for the licence, I totally understand how inconvenient and frustrating it must be to have a licence suspended or revoked, but if she is not safe to drive then she must not be permitted to. It is not just her own life at stake here.

[Ataloss]

Thank you for the replies.  I am certain will want a new doctor after learning the diagnosis! 

[Sneezy]

This is a tough question.  My FIL has signs of dementia, and he definitely should not be driving.  DH recently asked FIL's doctor to do a cognitive assessment.  FIL did the assessment (which showed some cognitive decline that needs to be monitored), but he is spitting mad at DH right now.  The doctor has also encouraged FIL not to drive at night or in unfamiliar areas, which didn't make FIL any happier.  The problem is that FIL is blaming everything on DH and is so angry that I think there is a good chance we won't even see FIL for Christmas.

I think it would be best for you if your mother's doctor gives her the diagnosis, rather than you.  As you say, your mom may then insist on seeing another doctor, but it's likely she will get the same diagnosis.  As much as you can, try to get the doctors to deliver any bad news.  But be prepared for anger to be directed towards you regardless. 

One thing I've noticed about aging parents (most notably my mom and my FIL) is that they really seem to resent their children for being able to do things they can no longer do.  Which is so ridiculous.  In another 20 years, I'll probably have to stop driving.  Aging happens to all of us.  Unfortunately, narcissists tend to age poorly - they have a tough time accepting that they aren't perfect and infallible, and that just like everyone before them, age will catch up with them, too.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry that you're experiencing this. Dementia stinks.

I recommend looking online for suggestions on how to deal with issues such as "parent with memory loss who shouldn't be driving." I've found the website agingcare.com to be especially useful.

[My New Life]

Hello Ataloss,
I have been dealing with all of the issues you mentioned in your post.  It is exhausting.  Here's how we handled things, don't know if it will be helpful to you or not.  Everyone's experiences are different.  I am NC with my mom, however my brother and husband are VLC.  So when I say "we," (below) I am referring to my brother and husband having the conversations, and me offering my input and support to them.

We did not tell her she had dementia.  Her doctor did.  She did not believe him and then forgot they had ever had a discussion.  So we let it go.  There is nothing that can be done about it, no treatment options.  So why push it?

We took her keys and said we did not know where they were.  She was unrelenting, and called my brother and husband 12-20 times a day, demanding her keys.  So they sat down with her to explain she could not drive anymore. Denial of dementia, doesn't really harm anyone.  But driving with dementia could hurt or kill an innocent person, which was not okay.  She screamed, threatened, accused, hung up on, and then called back to further abuse my brother and husband; but they held firm.  She finally relented, admitting she should not drive anymore.  Then the next morning, she called asking where her keys were.  Her dementia had wiped out the conversation.  But then we just told her, "Mom, don't you remember? You  said you were no longer a safe driver and agreed to stop driving."  And then they quit answering her calls, allowing it to go to voicemail.  Ultimately, we just did not give her back her keys.  And after a month or two, we sold her car and put the money in her bank to pay for her assisted living.  We then hired an aid, ours is from Comfort Keepers.  The aids are roughly $30 an hour/3 hour minimum.  They will clean, do laundry, and drive her where she wants to go.  So that allowed her to go where she wanted, once or twice a week.

We found this article to be helpful, https://dailycaring.com/8-ways-to-stop-an-elderly-person-from-driving-when-all-else-fails/.

Sorry you are dealing with this.  Dementia sucks.