Feeling a little crazy

[Basil Bachelorette]

 I am visiting my parents for the holidays, as I do every year. They have invited my PDsis home for Christmas. It will be the first time I have seen her in person since December 2019. I went NC with her January 2022.

Before I went NC with her, my parents and I would sometimes discuss her behavior;  my mother was the most cynical. She would sometimes talk about my sister quite negatively. She also had the best adaptations. Without knowing, she had developed many techniques over the years for dealing with my sister, but she is not versed in the theory of PD.   

My mother has been inconsistently supportive of my going NC. She has never been insistent on our communication, but she has lain on some guilt trips sometimes.

I recently got to a place where I was no longer angry at my sister. I communicated this to my mother, and I think its apart of why she feels its safe to have us both over for Christmas. She tells me to act like nothing happened.

 Since I've arrived home however, some of her and my father's behavior is worrying me. For one, they seem convinced that my sister has changed. Apparently she has started therapy and that has helped a lot. According to my mother, she no longer complains or goes on about people she's fighting with. I asked about this, because I suspected that even if she were getting along with my parents, she would have someone in her sites, as has been traditionally the case. She also used to suck all the energy out of the room talking about her entanglements with various foes.

I am of course cynical that she has changed at all. I suspect she has refined her methods. What worries me more though, is my parents have not actually spent a great deal of time with her in person. She hasn't been to this house in years. They have seen her at third locations (family events) but not for longer than a couple of days. She has always been able to act good in the first couple of days, but usually by the third day, her 'moods' set in.

Secondly, the other day, my mother handed me the book 'Don't Sweat the Small Stuff' opened to a particular number which she said might help me prepare for seeing my sister. It was a short passage talking about learning to put a positive spin on when feeling frustrated with other people. This struck me as so incredibly tonally deaf. I am afraid of my sister, not frustrated by her. The conversation that prompted me to go NC was psychological torture, not her being frustrating.

Likewise, when my dad discusses th past, he will still frame it as though we were siblings who just didn't know when to stop bothering each other. He referred to the time she had a meltdown, and then the next year when I had a meltdown. I asked him, somewhat forcefully, if he meant the time that she had screamed at me a foot a way from my face while we were in a car and I ended up crying in my mother's arms. Then he added "Of course I am not saying it's just you."

So I am feeling apprehensive. I suspect my mother often lets herself believe in some dream of a happy family that does not exist, and this can get the better of her. I am also worried because previously, I would be the one to give my sister attention-to listen to her stories and manage her anxiety. Now I won't be doing that. It might also be a trigger for my sister to have to share attention with me.

Does anyone have any similar experiences? Any advice for breaking NC? Advice or stories on holiday experiences? I feel that just writing about it here has helped a little.

[Poison Ivy]

I suggest that you have a plan for what you'll do if the situation sours. The plan should be one of self-protection. You have no obligation to mediate, pay attention to your sister, calm your parents, protect them from your sister, etc. Is there a place you can go (your own home or a hotel) if you decide you need to leave "early"?

[Basil Bachelorette]

Smart!Thank you for the prompt advice.

My own home is on the other side of the country, so I am stuck here until my plane leaves.

But, I have one friend in town who is aware of my relationship with sis. I could reach out to her beforehand to develop a plan. I also have friends in a town over who, although less aware of the severity of the situation, have accommodated me several times.

[Cat of the Canals]

I agree that having somewhere else to go and a plan to go there if your sister gets abusive is a good idea. The last thing you want is to be trapped with her, especially given that some PDs are at their worst if they believe you "can't get away."

I'd also suggest having "things" to do in case your sister tries to corner you for one of her me-me-me monologues. You have some work things you need to check on. An email you need to reply to. A sudden headache that requires you to go lie down for a while. Then go to your room and lock the door and entertain yourself with a book or music or whatever.

[walking on broken glass]

Hello BB!

Your situation reminds me of my own. I also have an uBPD sister who - I have eventually come to realize - used to bully me. I am still a bit scared of her. When going back to my parents' house for holidays I would have to share a room with her and I hated that. I would stay in the living room until late, making sure she was asleep before crawling into bed. And I would sleep in to make sure I get some privacy in the morning. I agree with the other people that said that it's important to know you have a way out - even going to a hotel or taking an early flight - in case things go south. It might also be a good idea to consider what you are willing to put up with. Last time I was there with my sis, I think back in 2019, she had one of her tantrums but I refused to take part. This year she is coming just when I will be going so I will only see her for an hour or so. It still rattles me. We went through a very intense phase with my parents' health when she would message me constantly and I blocked her a few weeks on WhatsApp. I have unblocked her since but we haven't spoken so it's definitely going to be awkward. My parents are in complete denial about sis and support her unconditionally. I worry they might have an intervention for me when I arrive...

Anyway, I would be sceptical too about your sister's supposed transformation! It's good you are going in well prepared!

[Basil Bachelorette]

Thankyou Cat of the Canals and walking on broken glass for your responses. And sorry for the late reply! I was busy for a week, seeing friends, but also processing all the angry texts sis sent to me post-visit.

Update: my sister does seem to have changed in one regard-she was very firm in expressing to my mother repeatedly that there were certain things she could not eat, because of her dietary issues. This is one topic where she would be justified being a little angry, because my mother was not listening to her, and was being overbearing, trying to push certain dishes on her. Yet, it was the one topic where she actually expressed herself in a healthy way. Curious, isn't it?

As for me, I wasn't able to escape to someone else's house. But I took other parts of Ivy's and Cat's advice-I did not try to defend my parents; I left the room whenever I felt uncomfortable or sensed building tension; I focused on some work I had to do. One day, I even went for an adventure to town on my own, quietly leaving the house without informing anyone until I'd already left.

Predictably, my sister acted out unpredictably, when we all seemed to be having fun. She got mad at us teasing her over a game during which we'd all been teasing each other. Even so, it was less than it could have been. She simply barked at us about teasing and then left the room angrily. I went to my room and was shaking. Then she sent me a text message accusing us all of being passive aggressive and avoidant, which I avoidantly ignored.
 
The next morning I went for a walk with my mother in order to get out of the house. I told my mom I would rather not go back to the house until I knew what mood my sister was in. My mother persuaded me to come back by saying that I could lock myself in a downstairs room and play music, which I did. Before that, I got in the house by myself. My sister was in her room, door open, back to me, packing her things (she was always scheduled to leave that day). I didn't say hi, and neither did she. I was afraid that if I said anything she would snap at me or start fighting. So she left without saying goodbye.

Then over the course of the next few days, she sent me a series of long angry accusatory texts about a number of topics that had come up over her visit. She called me out as avoidant for leaving the room during an argument with our parents.

I replied finally with a text saying that yes, I was avoiding having any sort of argument with her and if she continued to send me such texts I would block her. She sent me one last text, not accusatory, but somewhat melodramatic, saying she wouldn't bother me anymore.

So, in so far as there was no end of the world screaming, nor psychologically torturous text arguments, I would say this visit was successful and the advice to protect myself was very helpful! It also helped me to observe more neutrally how my parents interact with my sister.

I have told my parents that from now on, I will only be spending a maximum of three days with my sister at anytime, and thereafter, if she is still in the house, I will go stay elsewhere.

[walking on broken glass]

Well done! You did really well navigating the situation and got away relatively unscathed. You extricated yourself from the drama and put firm boundaries. This is all amazing. Kudos for the message to the sister: you didn't take the bait to start an argument and the threat to block her clearly worked. I would say the visit was a successful as it could be!

[Basil Bachelorette]

Thank you glass! In addition to following all this advice, I've also been reading a book on boundaries, and I think that helped.

I'm glad to read that you too also had some success extricating yourself from those phone calls!

[walking on broken glass]

Would you mind sharing the book? It would definitely be useful.

[Cat of the Canals]

So when she leaves the room in a huff, I'm sure she has her "reasons," but when you leave the room, it's being avoidant. Classic. I'd also consider sending angry, accusatory text messages when you're literally in the same house the very definition of passive aggressive.

I think you're wise to set hard boundaries for future visits.

[Basil Bachelorette]

The book is 'The Book of Boundaries' by Melissa Urban.

So when she leaves the room in a huff, I'm sure she has her "reasons," but when you leave the room, it's being avoidant. Classic.

That's hilarious! I didn't even notice.