'This will bring the family together'

[doglady]

I have been NC with updM and enF for a couple of years, along with estrangement from three of my four siblings for 'rocking the boat' (my history is in previous posts, but to summarise: at the behest of siblings I had confronted my ageing, unwell parents about their future options in their dangerously hoarded house, and was then not supported by sibs in that - they chose to pretty much ghost me, which was gutwrenching at the time, but suffice to say, I certainly learned something from it). 

Anyway, I'd been doing ok with all that while still feeling the sadness and guilt that ebbs and flows with NC/estrangement.

However...last week I received a call from one estranged bro to inform me that estranged sis had been severely injured in an intentionally self-created event that has also left her homeless.

Apparently she had been doing a lot of the caring for my parents and had finally had enough, and appears to have seen what she did as a 'solution' to the problem - which on one hand I do actually understand, and on the other see as totally tragic and unnecessary. She lived quite close to them (as do I).

Anyway, it now transpires that no one else in the family can/will offer for her to live with them, which of course is their choice, although the irony isn't lost on me.

A friend/colleague of hers has offered her a place to stay in a city over 200kms from where she had until recently lived (which was only a few kms from my parents). However, this is not really a workable option as the colleague has her own quite complicated family and relationship stuff going on and may rescind the offer.

I have also offered that she can live with our family until she gets on her feet, as she may need various types of medical care, which I have offered to support in any way I can.

However, she is very anxious about living near my parents as she feels 'not strong enough' to not get drawn back in. I explained that I am pretty good these days at holding boundaries and that I can fend off visits, take her to appointments, etc.

I obviously realise that I cannot control this situation, nor do I want to. However, she is not thinking rationally at present, is very up and down and on lots of pain meds, and is/will be under psych services as well as physically recovering from her injuries in the near future.

I don't want her to be homeless. I am also worried that she may capitulate and end up back at my parents' home, doing everything for my parents, including wiping my mother's butt (yes, this is what she was doing, as my parents refused to leave the house or accept any care - I have spoken with their GP some time back and he is aware).

Again, I understand that there is probably very little I can/should do, and the whole dysfunctional situation is most likely going to play out as it usually does, with uBPD Queen/waif M fooling everyone as usual, but I would really welcome any words of wisdom right now.

(As to the title of this post: My injured sister told me she didn't want my parents ringing her in hospital all the time. I said, 'tell them, or get nursing desk to head them off at the pass.' Sis said, I have told M and F, but M said, 'well maybe our ringing isn't helping you but it's definitely helping us.' I kid you not. And apparently she also said to someone else, 'this is the thing that might bring this family back together.'
I do not regret NC with this person one iota.

[NarcKiddo]

My advice to you (which I am sure you have already given to yourself) is to think carefully about what you can cope with and what you can support. It sounds like you will need all your boundary skills, so it is good you have them. You are very kind to offer a significant amount of help to a sibling who joined with others in throwing you under the bus. Helping your sister is one thing but be careful you don't get horribly embroiled in protecting her from your parents to a degree you cannot cope with.

I wish you all the very best. The situation sounds horrendously stressful. Your M's attitude is grim, but not surprising.

[moglow]

My injured sister told me she didn't want my parents ringing her in hospital all the time. I said, 'tell them, or get nursing desk to head them off at the pass.' Sis said, I have told M and F, but M said, 'well maybe our ringing isn't helping you but it's definitely helping us.' I kid you not. And apparently she also said to someone else, 'this is the thing that might bring this family back together.'

I have so. many. thoughts ... Someone might want to tell mommie dearest that's not how that works. Blatantly disregarding someone's clearly spoken wishes isn't conducive to bringing a fractured family together, it's just another reminder of why you are where you are. Shoving in there that way is a damned good way for everyone to shut down harder. It's really sad that their thought processes are so limited, that all they see are their wants. Maybe remind your sister that when they call, she can quietly hang up the phone. She doesn't have to talk/listen to them just because they call.

But you, my friend? You hang tight and keep doing what's best for you. All their maneuverings and shenanigans aren't yours and you're not responsible for fixing what they break other than for yourself. Just stop and breathe, and remind yourself that none of this happened in a vacuum. It's decades of use/abuse with damned little by way of making needed repairs. Not.Your.Stuff.
 

[Leonor]

Hi Doglady,

Is that silver bells I hear twinkling ... Or alarm bells clanging?

"estranged sis had been severely injured in an intentionally self-created event that has also left her homeless."

Hm. And this was a solution to her problem. The solution is to be homeless? Oh, no. The solution is Doglady, her lovely empathetic sister, right nearby!

So her solution is: Step One; I incapacitate myself. And then I'll waif and whimper until dear Doglady lets me live with *her*. Step Two; And instead of me taking care of me, *she'll* take care of me. Step Three: And instead of me taking care of mom and dad, *she'll* take care of mom and dad!

This is such an amazing solution, your brother rang you up to tip you off! And mom is all in, too! Bringing the family back together means nothing more than getting Doglady back under everyone's sad, incapacitated, homeless thumb. No wonder they're all so excited!

Doglady, of course you don't want your sister to be homeless. Of course you don't want your parents to go without care. But You Are Not The Solution To Their Problems.

How long is your sister going to be incapacitated? Will she be taking controlled medication? Needing rides to doctor appointments? Will she work during that time? Will she have any income to contribute to rent, food, electricity, water? Will she be able to clean, do dishes, tidy up the bathroom, make her bed? Will she be able to get back on her feet after she recovers? And what if she doesn't recover? What if she doesn't want to leave? How will you un-house your sister?

And how do you expect to coordinate your parents' and your sister's care? Do you think your sister will help you arrange care for your mom and dad? Who will pay for that? Does anyone have PoA?

Doglady, you can feel empathy and sadness for your sister. You can feel grief and anxiety over your parents. And you can wish, with all your heart, to mend fences with your family. You can have all those feelings ... and not do anything.

This is not a time for Big Decisions. Mom and Dad are in perpetual breakdown. Sister is in self inflicted crisis. Brother is running roughshod over boundaries. And it's €#@& holiday season.

It's perfectly healthy and normal and best for everyone to say, "I'm sorry to hear that. I wish you well." And then hang up the phone and cuddle with a furry beloved friend by the fire, sipping something warm and delicious and pepperminty.

[lkdrymom]

Seriously, distance yourself from this situation.  Why would you take in an estranged sister? Please save yourself

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow, deliberately causing her own homelessness and severe injury to get out of caretaking your parents??? Becoming homeless and hospitalization level injured was the best she could do for herself? And your mom feels hopeful about this, for good times to come.

          

And the craziest part is, it's working.

 

[bloomie]

doglady - this is truly heartbreaking on all sides and I cannot express enough how sorry I am that things have devolved for your sister to the point she has injured herself.

The word empowerment came to my mind as I read through your post. You have found the strength, wisdom and resilience to empower yourself and remove yourself from what seems like the toxic stew of your FOO. And, they have resented and punished you for it. Yet!!! You have continued forward to healing and wholeness! BRAVO!!!

To be truly practical in it all and continue to think about empowerment... your sister seems to need a level of care and intervention that is at a profoundly high, next level..think a team of highly trained pros. She needs space and room and time to work through all of this. She will need to find her own inner strength and truth and support system just like you have. She will need to rely on those professionals to help her find resources, maybe even a women's shelter that can support and house her.

The question becomes, what part will you choose to play in her recovery and healing? What is a balanced, compassionate, non rescuing amount of emotional time and energy that you are willing and able to offer her knowing that she may choose to return to your parent's home and further put herself at risk?

What is yours to do? That is the question that you, looking at your own responsibilities, mental and physical health, the risks this poses to you and giving this all a sober assessment - not an emotional, knee jerk terrified she will be homeless and further harm herself assessment, will need to answer.

And we are here for you as you find that answer and live it out. Only you know what is best and right for you and your family. So, we will advocate and support you first! We see the pitfalls and imagine the angst of this with you! How are you doing today?

[doglady]

Thank you so much everyone for all your wonderful words of wisdom and encouragement. It means so much.


The last few days have been...well, it would probably make one of the longest posts in Out of the FOG history.

I'll try to be brief as I can. No doubt there will be more to come.

I collected my sister from hospital on Friday. She requires visiting nurse care for wound dressings, but she is able to attend to her own daily needs re personal hygiene etc. I am unsure how long she will be here but I will encourage her to move further away as soon as she has healed more.

I have also made it clear that I will not be accepting any visits from our parents to my house. No doubt that is uncomfortable for my sister  and parents. Too bad.

Over the past few days (news travels fast in small towns) I have had quite a few people including randoms, relatives and parents' friends asking me about my sister, but then mainly focussing in on advising me/asking me what will now become of my parents. I now have a standard script depending on what and to whom I feel like sharing. I have mostly said in relation to my sister some variation on 'it's not appropriate for me to talk about her business.' Regarding my parents, I have said, 'For years now, they have been offered every form of assistance and care, and they vehemently refuse to avail themselves of it.' And then I leave a silence. Some people attempt to persist, to which I say, 'Thank you for your concern but I really have nothing more to say.' I've been expecting some hostility but surprisingly, a lot of people seem to understand where I'm coming from. Although I also don't care if they don't.

With my uncle (father's Bro) I said, 'listen it's a situation where a woman with multiple raging personality disorders and other assorted acknowledged and untreated mental health conditions, has been enabled by a codependent, weak man, and it's beyond my powers or inclinations to do anything about it.' He wasn't overly pleased but I give no fucks at this point.

(Another eye roll moment: I stupidly changed my Xmas day plans. We were previously going to spend Xmas lunch with FOC. However I invited injured sister and other (non-estranged) sister who lives overseas and has just flown back with her family for a holiday here in home country. This is because they had said they had no invites/plans of their own for Xmas day. Now it transpires they have all (my injured sister included) in the last day or so, decided to ditch me and have Xmas lunch with...wait for it... my parents! I bloody kid you not.

They have also decided that it would then be really helpful for them to then come to mine on Xmas evening and have a 'massive debrief.' !!! Hahahahaha. No. That will not be happening.)

There's so much more I could say, but it's all along the same lines: with siblings backsliding, backstabbing, venting, not telling the full story, making themselves out the be the saviours and knowledgeable ones. Meanwhile my parents are continuing to be the same sad mega babies they have always been, with my mother somehow managing to pull all the strings. My parents' current narrative about the 'incident' is that it occurred because my sister was sad about a pet (that died months ago). Yep.

So....Nothing has changed. I have missed nothing about being with any of these people. And I plan to go back to that as soon as possible.

I hope it is ok to post more in the coming days. It is very helpful for me. I know that the wonderful people here totally get it. When one is revisiting  an upsidedown bizarro world, it's such a great comfort to hear some words of sanity here.

[NarcKiddo]

Wow. Just...wow. The Xmas lunch plans are the cherry on the icing of that particular cake.

Well done for planning, and following through, your replies to queries about the situation.

[moglow]

Holy cow what a mess. They're going to have a Christmas visit with the parents even knowing all that just transpired?? Your sister is actually willing to go back there?

Just to reinforce for you: no they may not all come to your house for a family conference. If they want to go to the parents and hash it out, fine do that. You don't need all that poison in your house, your safe place. 

We're here with you.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi doglady,

Hope you are doing ok.

It blows my mind how this all happens so often. One person in the FOO (you, me) takes in the others, and gets nothing but hell for it. Misery. I was this person for a long time. Taking in relatives that no one else in the family wanted to help / take care of. Not one other relative of mine got their head out of their $(*% and got themselves Out of the FOG. Why do most families only have one un-FOGGED member? We're expected to take care of the lost PD's and all their drama, while also being criticized and shamed for it the entire time. I agree with you. It is bizarro land. So true!

I hope you are taking care of yourself first right now. I'm glad you see through the many layers of dysfunction in all of these people.

Trees

[Cat of the Canals]

I just wanted to say I'm very impressed with your boundaries, given all the drama. Boundaries can be hard on a normal day, but in the middle of this kind of PD crap storm? I think you're handling it really well.

[doglady]

Thanks all.

I am pretty detached from the FOO crap these days, and I can mostly stand back and watch it unfold without feeling much effect on myself. It's like watching some kind of insane sitcom where the characters just keep doing ever more ridiculous things.

I know I haven't yet answered some of the questions that have been asked of me in this thread. Not avoiding. Just been quite busy.

Re sending my sister to a shelter, I was not prepared to do that. I gave it a lot of thought and planned also what my needs/boundaries would be. District nurses and psych services are visiting here regularly. She seems reasonably stabilised, but I can call the local crisis team 24/7 if needed.

She is also still employed and will be able to WFH while she is recovering. She is a financially
generous person and there are no issues with monetary contributions.

I will also be encouraging her to move on when she is well enough.

It's Xmas morning here and she has been angsting about going to parents' place for lunch. She is feeling nauseous, which I believe is largely anxiety related. She has just decided not to go and seems visibly relieved. From past experience there is likely to be lots of flip-flopping. Her choice. Not my problem.

I have also told her and the other sister that they are welcome here for this evening (mainly as it would be nice for the young cousins to see each other); however, I have made it very clear that i will not tolerate any conversation/debriefing about their Xmas dinner at my parents. If they get snotty about it, they have their feelings about it and can either desist or leave.

So far, think I am doing ok with handling the PD crap storm that is my family (good one, CotC!). It's also giving me a chance to practice some very high level boundary setting.

These days I am also very invested in looking after myself and engaging in self care as required. And when my uPDM's voice echos in my head that I am 'Selfish!!' as is did all through my young years, I just reply: 'And? Piss off [uPDM name]'.

Despite how I was trained as a young person to bow down to the manipulative bulling mad woman that is my mother, ably abetted by by enF and her flying monkeys, I have decided that in what's left of my time on the planet that I will never again kowtow to or be intimidated by narcs. They do not have to be happy about any of it. And frankly it's all the more hilarious if they aren't.

Merry Xmas all and I will update.

You are all such a wonderful support and I don't know what I would have done without you in the early years that I was coming Out of the FOG. I attribute an enormous amount of my ongoing recovery to the beautiful people here. (Getting teary now.) Have a great day, whatever you are doing today, and pat a furry animal! I know I will be.