Being told by a PD that don't deserve empathy when father dying

[rockandhardplace]

I want to share something with the hope that letting it out around people who get PD's might lessen the pain. My dad died a few days ago. He's not the PD. The PD is my stbx father of my 3 children. Because he doesn't want his kids to see him rage at me he uses some very passive aggressive behaviours to show his disgust at any behaviour of mine he doesn't approve of. This one is quite ridiculous. He does this huffing sound. It sounds like nothing but it's very aggressive. I think in the past this was how I recognised he was about to blow so I'm probably just conditioned to have that visceral response to it. A few days ago he came into our kitchen after breakfast and I was writing a text to someone before putting away my and kids breakfast dishes. This made him angry. Our kids are on school holidays and this happened at 9am. He can't say "aren't you going to clean up after yourself", because I would of course say "yes, I'll do that soon" so instead he starts aggressively throwing dishes into the dishwasher. Without saying anything I came over and took over. However, that morning I had received a message from my sister to say my dad's health had declined and to expect the worst when she talks to the doctor. I live on the other side of the world to my whole family. So instead of ignoring the PD I sent him a message to let him know my dad was probably dying and could he quit the passive aggression. I was hoping that he would find some kind of humanity and at least stop all that nonsense. I'm going into a lot of background detail because I think it underscores how completely bonkers what happened next was. Instead of asking me about my father's health or even just ignoring the text he tells me that is a terrible excuse for my behaviour. Because I was so upset I stupidly thought that I could give him insight or he would at least just back off so kept saying things like "my dad is dying all I ask is that you back off". He got worse and worse, culminating in saying things like I'm disgusting, my behaviour is appalling, that I was using my dad's condition as an excuse for this awful behaviour. Not doing the dishes by 9am!?!? My breakfast dishes, in my own home? This is an appalling behaviour that I'm trying to excuse by telling him that my dad is dying?!? What kind of person thinks like that?? Then he told me I didn't deserve his sympathy because I didn't do enough to support my father during his recently frailty. I had to endure such insane abuse for travelling over to see my parents and we only communicate about the house and kids via email or text so he actually knows nothing about my input in my parents care. No matter how much I tried to get him to recognise what he was saying he wouldn't, he just got worse and worse. Then at one stage he pretty much admits to what I think would be called a narcissistic injury. I criticised him. I called out the passive aggression and that triggered an insane response. This man can call me all the names under the sun, he literally criticises everything I do or rather everything he makes up in his head about me, but it's vicious. But me calling him out on his passive aggression is seen by him as me criticising him and I am never allowed to do that, so it's fair game. Even saying the most awful things to me like calling me a bad daughter while my father is actually dying is not off limits.
I think it took me a good few hours to start grieving for my father because my emotions were so raw and jumbled and I couldn't work out was I crying because my dad died or because of who my children's father is. And I'm so so angry and bitter that I had to deal with that at such a heart-breaking time in my life. My dad was a beautiful man, nothing like my own children's father.
In some of the last conversations we had with my dad we talked about how important it is for me to get away from him. When my uncle said to me that my dad knew how much I loved him and I felt such gratitude for that I realised just how damaged I am by this horrible man. I was never anything but kind and caring to my dad and him to me. We lived far away but we loved each other and yet somehow that horrible man has worn me down for so many years with his projections of his complete lack of empathy, care or real connections onto me with relentless criticisms and abuse I needed to hear that from my dad's brother to snap me back to reality.
I've told friends about this but I am sick of talking about that man, I don't want to give him any of my heart or mind ever again. But I needed to get this out even if it's just kind of like a journal entry.

[escapingman]

I am really sorry for the loss of your dad. The way your husband is treating you is far from OK, please try to stay safe and to get some peace where you can rest and grief. 

[square]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

PD abuse makes grief so hard because it hijacks and interrupts the process.

You are a good daughter and you deserve empathy.

[notrightinthehead]

   
My heart goes out to you. I am sorry for your loss.

I strongly advise you to go back to the Toolbox and freshen up your defense strategies. One that worked well for me - the moment he started to rant, I took out my phone and started recording. It helped me to not take the bait and whenever I wondered if it really was that bad, I had proof. It also kept him from yelling and hurling the worst insults.

The most important for you now - only think about what you do, what you say, what your tasks are, the moment you start thinking about him, immediately return to yourself in your mind. He will do what he will do, he is not your responsibility. You are responsible for your behavior, your wellbeing, and your kids. So focus on that and let the storm outside your zone of safety.

[Beachstone]

I am so sorry, losing a father is a hard loss indeed.
And the way you are being treated is beyond appalling. Sometimes it feels like PDs have a special talent for kicking us when we are already down.
Sending strength and understanding.

[rockandhardplace]

   
My heart goes out to you. I am sorry for your loss.

I strongly advise you to go back to the Toolbox and freshen up your defense strategies. One that worked well for me - the moment he started to rant, I took out my phone and started recording. It helped me to not take the bait and whenever I wondered if it really was that bad, I had proof. It also kept him from yelling and hurling the worst insults.

The most important for you now - only think about what you do, what you say, what your tasks are, the moment you start thinking about him, immediately return to yourself in your mind. He will do what he will do, he is not your responsibility. You are responsible for your behavior, your wellbeing, and your kids. So focus on that and let the storm outside your zone of safety.

I have been recording him for a while. This prevented him from yelling an inch from my face. He would literally get that close he was almost touching me. I have this video from March this year when I booked those last flights back home to see my parents. My mum is in a home with dementia and my dad was frail and having falls. My kids hadn't seen them for 4 years because of covid. I had to fit in around kids school and my course that I've been doing to get back into the workforce after being stay home parent so ended up costing 8k, but I knew it would probably be the last time we'd see my dad. PD stbx earns a lot of  money, our house is fully paid off, we aren't struggling financially. But he ambushed me with this awful abuse for me booking those flights before I found a job. Started telling me that all the money in our joint account was his, asking me to leave the car keys because it's his car. He was so aggressive I stayed out of the house for the day until my kids came home from school. I've been getting so much better at not falling for his baiting and doing grey / yellow rock to any necessary communication regarding the kids. But I'd been so upset when my dad's condition was looking bad. I think part of the reason I didn't just ignore the passive aggression that morning was I wanted to gauge how much abuse I would get if I tried to get home before my dad died. I consistently underestimate the depth of his pathology. Despite the years of abuse from him I was still shocked by the messages he sent that day. I will never ever forgive him. I'm going to get out next year and now I have the extra incentive that I'm doing it to honor my dad. He hated what that man was doing to me. I just don't know how to move on from this dual grief of losing my lovely dad and finally having to come to terms with the fact my children's father is nothing but a cruel, heartless, evil pos.

[square]

I like the idea of doing it partly to honor your dad. Sometimes that can help us.

Also, if you suffer from abuse amnesia like I do, it'll help to cement this particular unforgivable moment.

[StartingHealing]

My deepest condolences on your father's passing from this realm.

  Unfortunately, personality disordered people.. it's all about themselves.  While I was with the former spouse, didn't matter if it was a house plant, a pet, a job or if it was someone that I cared about.  Somehow or the other, it would end up about how she was feeling about things, no consideration that I was grieving, or needed a moment to collect myself.  it was always about her. 

If at all possible, please start putting a plan together to get the PD out of your life as much as possible.  there are posts on this board that provide a fairly comprehensive overview on what will need your attention.

IDK if this will be of benefit to you or not. I'm going to put it here in the hopes that it will.  First off, I had to accept that my feelings towards the former spouse was valid. That I was indeed in love with the person she presented herself to be at the beginning. That I have learned is something that they do to secure "supply".

 Second off, looking at the big picture from when we first were together to when it went in the crapper, for me personally, I decided that nothing she did, said, etc. during the love bombing stage was "real". IE: How can someone, barring a TBI, chemical intervention, or some other major event, go from a loving, caring, happy to just be around me type to a raging, venom filled, hate spewing, mean shite head?  If nothing that she did in the love bombing stage was "real" then the actual person is a raging, venom filled, hate spewing mean shite head. That was my biggest bitter pill to get down.

 I'm also a member of a personality disorder survivors groups on various social media and the scary thing is the situations being described, by other people, differing ages, differing geographic locations,          I could have wrote the same thing.

If you are able, post on this board as you feel the need to.  It helped me with getting things "out" but also with advice, and the tools section definitely helped a great deal. You may also find benefit in social media as there are private groups for if nothing else emotional support.

I wish you and your children all the best.     

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I am sorry for the loss of your father - I hope  you can look back on the fond memories and cherish them.

My exPD spouse made my mother's decline in health ALL about him - he visited her with my father and helped out my dad - but he expected praise and admiration for doing so.  It was all about him and my own pain about my mother's dying was secondary.  Not even that, it wasn't tolerated.  To the outsides, he looked like a saint. But I saw it for what it was.  And because he was "helping" my dad, he couldn't find the time to work and help pay the bills.   

As the prior posts state, it is all about them - doesn't matter what kind of situation, even a very sad one that you are experiencing.

[NBRiverGuy]

First and foremost rockandhardplace, I am so sorry about your dad. I know you posted this almost a month ago. I hope you are finding some peace.

My exPD spouse made my mother's decline in health ALL about him - he visited her with my father and helped out my dad - but he expected praise and admiration for doing so.  It was all about him and my own pain about my mother's dying was secondary. 

Boy do I relate to that. My grandmother lived a long life, but when she died at 87, my mother was still devastated. Regardless of age, it's hard to lose a parent. My wife's mother died pretty young at 65 a year earlier. My wife was 35 at the time. We were at my parents' house and my mom and her sister were visibly grieving. My wife kept repeating, in many passive aggressive forms, at least you had your mom into your 60s. I lost mine in my 30s. I let the first few comments slide, then I pulled her aside and said something to the effect of, "This day is not about what you went through with your mom last year. This is about what they are going through right now. If you can't be supportive in an empathetic way, we need to leave." She lost her temper and told me that one day I would understand how she felt when my mom died. Thankfully, she did not say that where my mom could hear. We left. That was 10 years ago. I have not thought about it for so long, but I realize that I did unknowingly have a boundary in place that she crossed and I pushed back. My mom and my aunt are strong people. I guess I just couldn't stand to see her jab at them when they were feeling so vulnerable.

[sunshine702]

Hearing about Domestic Violence Physically Abusive relationships I often heard how the worst day - when he poured coffee grounds over her head was when she got a job interview prospect.  When it is about YOU or you have some autonomy.  It's a way to get back the power and control.

I think it is at a subconscious level but I think the worst most vicious abuse (blowing his stack over the darn dishes) is directly correlated to the gut punch grief news.  Healthy non PD people would have been - oh my gosh I was out of line I was annoyed about the dishes but your father dying is WAY worse.  Let me help comfort you.

It is moments like that you SEE it FULLY. Ramani talks about this with personal health bad news.  That they WILL NOT care for you. And if you stay to develop a back up plan of care. 


I am sorry .  Wow just wow.

[Invisiblewoman]

I criticised him. I called out the passive aggression and that triggered an insane response. This man can call me all the names under the sun, he literally criticises everything I do or rather everything he makes up in his head about me, but it's vicious. But me calling him out on his passive aggression is seen by him as me criticising him and I am never allowed to do that, so it's fair game. Even saying the most awful things to me like calling me a bad daughter while my father is actually dying is not off limits.

I was in the same situation when my mother died, and my aunt started triangulating/gaslighting me and I asked her to stop. When I caught her in a lie, no matter how kindly I approached her, she went off the rails with making accusations- liar, playing victim, saying she's disowning me. She said my sorrow was fake. There was a distinct difference in how criticized her words, to how she spoke to me. She attacked me personally when I criticized the content of her words, and her behaviour. And she lied some more to try and make me out to be attacking her. She provoked a reaction from me months earlier, then denied saying anything, then exaggerated my response.  After saying some horrible things, she tried to say I was psychotic, and said she was charging me with harassment.

Rules for me, none for thee.

[sunshine702]

Re reading this.

Again wow.

Big breath!