A new one, even for her!

[moglow]

From the can't make this ish up files:

Md called a few days ago, wanted to talk to me about "weekend plans." I didn't call her back. Last night I got a text inviting to to Christmas eve lunch/dinner at her house. I responded, told her I appreciate the invitation but have a longstanding date and won't be able to make it.

Her response: she forgives me and to enjoy my date (the date in question is with her grandchildren who I've spent most Christmas eves with, since they were born - no I didn't tell her).

But wth?! She thinks I need her forgiveness for continuing to live my life? For daring to make my own plans and not discuss or ask her permission? I've not even seen her in years, literally been at least 10 since I last saw her on any holiday and she denied that one even happened at all. Should I remind her of the last time we invited her, when she melted down and ultimately stood us up, lied that she had car trouble rather than spend time with her family at Christmas?? I know, rhetorical question. But yeah.

Forgiveness not needed but okay. You do you.

Breathing. Mo is breathing.

[Cat of the Canals]

She forgives you! Why, how benevolent and generous of her!
/sarcasm

It's interesting to me that you haven't seen her in years, but she thinks you'd be interested in spending the holidays with her. I think it shows how they don't take our boundaries seriously, even when they're right there on full display. They really believe that no matter the length or depth of the estrangement, you're still "available" to them. They only need to wave their magic wand, and you'll appear to do their bidding. 

[moglow]

Aaaaaaall of that! I'm supposed to feel all grateful that she forgives me. While she disregards that she could have spent five days with her whole family last year, but she chose to pout and make excuses, didn't see any of us. 

Once again in her mind it's all better so we just throw lipstick on a pig and call it good.

[Sneezy]

Unbelievable!  She is forgiving you for not making her the center of your life???  There really is not a big enough eyeroll emoji for this.      

Enjoy your Christmas, Mo, and try to not even think about her.

[moglow]

Thx Sneezy! The eyerolls are thin on the ground at this point, I think I've run out. It's been a tough season, I'll admit. I'm more blue than my usual, can't seem to crawl out of it. It's not so much her as that feeling of something lacking in general. It kinda stung that she didn't even ask about my plans, or did I/we have a good time, nothing. Not one whit of interest. It's not new by any means but yeah it stings anyway.

I know: This too shall pass.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Wowza. Well, well - a couple thoughts came to mind.
 
If I understand, your mom expressed forgiveness that you made your own decision and responded to an invitation in the manner that works best for you. 

And, being forgiven for something you did not do. Hmm. 

Even when you are educated and informed on such dynamics, it seems it does not take the sting out when it occurs though, and I am sorry. I also agree that even if it is not directly about your parent, there is a 'sting' in just feeling or realizing overall something is lacking.   
   
If it helps, you are not alone. Sending you my support.

[moglow]

Blueberry, based on past comments I think she was being cutesy to make a point. Remember everything is about her and her expectations/demands of others. There no leeway for me, making my own plans, and no interest beyond herself. I'm reminded of a road trip I made for niece/her granddaughter wedding a few years back. Md pitched an epic tantrum because not only had I gone, I'd never mentioned going. She had no idea I was there until my brother told her, mainly because she was upset and not talking to me at the time. (She was invited, had never said one word about it to me. She told them if she'd known she would have sent a gift with me ...)

It's a better day. Y'all help tremendously with that. ☺️

[bloomie]

Moglow - glad it is a better day! All I could think reading through this latest with MD is: Egocentric

having or regarding the self or the individual as the center of all things: an egocentric philosophy that ignores social causes. having little or no regard for interests, beliefs, or attitudes other than one's own; self-centered: an egocentric person; egocentric demands upon the time and patience of others.

Merriam Webster

I could be wrong, but I think I some of our mothers' pics might be included on the definition page for this trait...

[moglow]

Wow. I knew there was a word but it totally escaped me. I've come to explain her actions as self involved without a whit of self awareness. Egocentric spells it all right out, doesn't it.

Much needed conversation with nephew's wife Christmas Eve has continued in texts [her family invites us every year to their gathering and it's SO incredibly warm and loving there! It's no wonder she is who she is.]. She reminded me that I shared some of md's more memorable texts with her [like whole conversations so context isn't lost] over the past few years and, "that woman is just vile, mo! I know she's your mother and all that but she hasn't one clue who you are. The person she's spewing at isn't the one the rest of us know at all!!"

My point: Talking about it, sharing with *safe* others what we experience, matters. They have context for the sadness they see, the heartbreak we experience at times. I'm reminded of the old saying, Joys shared are doubled. Sorrows shared are halved.

[moglow]

This has nothing to do with her recent booshit but I didn't want to start a new thread:

Md has stopped all conversation of the knee surgery she talked about for years, "I'm on blood thinners now, I'd bleed to death in surgery!!" I distinctly remember the ortho surgeon asking if she was on blood thinners. If she was they'd take her off them for a few days on either side of surgery, then go back on after initial recovery period. He passed it off as nothing critical or life threatening for just a few days. But no.

All those months of doctor's appts she was determined she had to have so they could do that surgery? Came to a screeching halt as if she'd not been manically bouncing from one office to another. Obsessed. Possessed. Now nary a mention. She's also not talking about her excruciating pain, like that's magically gone after a near decade. Not sure if she's bumped up pain meds or realized she's run out of options: knee surgery or stop screaming about it. So she's gone silent.

Strange stuff.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

Typical. Not quite the same level but I've witnessed plenty of moaning and groaning and being bedridden come to a sudden halt due to some other more attractive opportunity come along. Go out to dinner? Why, I think I could manage... It's ALL about what they perceive gets the most supply in the moment. Continuity matters not. I guess they don't realize that other people have this thing called object permanence? I don't know I've given up.

[moglow]

I suspect you're right - she saw that her "OMG pacemaker has to be replaced!!!" took place and no one jumped. No one panicked. There was no call to action or gathering at her bedside, no round robin of phone calls. I don't even know if two of the brothers knew about the replacement at all, I figured if she wants them to know she'd say something.

[bloomie]

Sounds like a convenient miracle to me  Calling wolf has consequences she may not have considered. Constant, every changing 'medical' issues and roaming phantom 'symptoms' that come and go. Yep! Seems par for the course and a familiar trait.

What comes to my mind when I have encountered this is the people I know who have actual, chronic, difficult medical challenges and pain who soldier on and live to the fullest as best they can. The contrast is hard not to see at times like you are describing with MD.

[moglow]

 If I were in that excruciating pain (her descriptive) all these years I'd have long since jumped at and pursued every possible avenue for relief. I'm not a take a pill and it'll magically be alright kind of person. It's fine short term, I'd just be deeply frustrated with no relief. 

But now there's no mention of it at all, really? I know - don't look a gift horse in the mouth ... 

[Sneezy]

Continuity matters not. I guess they don't realize that other people have this thing called object permanence?

All. The. Time.

They rewrite history whenever it suits them.  Just this week, I witnessed my mom rewriting history in real-time.  I sat in the eye doctor's exam room with mom.  Doctor says mom's eyesight has gotten very bad and she needs to start wearing glasses all the time.  Doctor walks out of the room to check on insurance coverage and mom turns to me and says "See, the doctor says I don't need glasses."  Even as we were leaving the doctor's office with a written prescription for glasses in her hand, mom kept insisting the doctor doesn't want her to wear glasses. 

Calling wolf has consequences she may not have considered.

They have all heard the fable, but none of them think it applies to them 

[moglow]

Md had checkup with her cardiologist last week - she's experiencing every one of the known side effects but couldn't describe how she knows this or what she's actually experiencing. Listed them off by rote as if a memorized list, according to bro #2. Doc asked how the knee replacement went [which was why the push to replace her pacemaker...] no real answer and the subject wasn't pursued. Doc seemed perplexed. Very disjointed random comments during the eight minutes they were in exam room [bro timed it]. No real information was exchanged, either in or out. Once again he's not clear why they were there other than followup from medication change of a few months ago - surely a phone call would suffice??