19 year old son aligning with exPD father

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

The struggle is real, and stressful, sad, and exhausting.

My son is going to college, but was living with me.  He decided to move in with his father right before the holidays.  His father couldn't get a mortgage so he is now living in a house his older sister just purchased.  His manipulations and using behavior continues, no surprise 

Despite my efforts, my son wasn't thriving with me - he was depressed, unmotivated, angry, lazy, etc.... rarely did I see positive behaviors and rarely did we engage positively together.  He barely laughed - I'm a pretty funny person (classic way to avoid feelings and make people feel comfortable) and my son never laughed with me.  It always felt awful.  I love my son dearly, but to be honest, I didn't like being with him and he probably felt that too. He certainly didn't like being with me.

I am hopeful that this move will trigger his independence or maybe he will start to move Out of the FOG (my real hope).  I just know that living with me wasn't good for him.  I hope that he can start seeing me through a different lens, one that isn't full of anger, hate, etc...   It's difficult to be objective, but I can say that my son was at times, abusive - not swearing at me or such, but the slight put downs - and in order to make himself feel better.  You know  - the slow drip of abuse that you can ignore or tell yourself it isn't happening.  UGH

And yes, some of this can be explained as an older teenager behavior especially when they are depressed themselves.  I don't completely see it that way - he saw/learned behaviors from his father and  tried them out on me.  I hope this cycle is broken and he is a good person.  I really don't know, which as his mother, I feel like I should, but I don't.  I guess time will tell.

The first two nights he was gone, I slept the best I had in years. So telling....

No surprises here -
1.  Both my son and his father tried to get me to fix my son's broken down jeep (happened right after he moved out).  I said no, my ex freaked out on me - swearing/yelling only to find out my son was listening to our conversation the entire time.
2. My son wanted to take his bed/desk because at his dad's he's sleeping on a small very old bed.  I said no.
3. My son wanted money for gas because he moved 20 miles away from college - my son had refused to have any face to face discussions about money, so I said no.
4.  My son asked for money because he was hungry and at work - this time I said yes.  3 out of 4 isn't too bad. 

I'm trying to figure out a balance of giving my son space - letting go - and how to connect with him.  I certainly am afraid that he will cut me out of his life.  I have learned that I am not going to be bullied to finance my son, I am focused on supporting his growth/independence, I will not be verbally put down by either my son or his father, and I will try to approach my relationship with my son with love and appropriate boundaries.

Wish me luck

And to everyone here, have a happy new year

[Latchkey]

Hi PlantFlowers,

It sounds like you are doing things right. I don't know that your DS will get clarity living with his Dad, but it is important that you find some space and peace for yourself.

A book I always recommend for parenting, especially as the kids get older is
I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better
 -review here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=20833.0

Another excellent book since you mentioned them is
Boundaries- (you may have already read it)
review here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=27228.0

Hope your holiday time gives you some quiet and a chance to recharge...

[bloomie]

PlantFlowersNotWeeds - from where I sit you are having the courage to wisely manage this transition with your son under very difficult circumstances while dealing with a hurting heart as well.

I love this:

I'm trying to figure out a balance of giving my son space - letting go - and how to connect with him.  I certainly am afraid that he will cut me out of his life.  I have learned that I am not going to be bullied to finance my son, I am focused on supporting his growth/independence, I will not be verbally put down by either my son or his father, and I will try to approach my relationship with my son with love and appropriate boundaries.

Wishing you every bit of strength as you keep this worthy goal before you in the days ahead. I am thankful you are able to get some rest and some space for yourself.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Thank you for your responses.

Latchkey - I am going to purchased the book, I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better.  It looks good and I always find reading about what I am struggling with very helpful.