NC with Grandkids

[BuzzyBee]

I have chosen after my last falling out with NPDM to go NC. My last contact was in October for a document I needed for my new home. Since moving here she's had 2 FM's reach out on Facebook about both son's baseball games. I eventually blocked them and her. She showed up announced at my sons school which I broke NC I was so upset (I know I shouldn't have). Then she had 1 FM aunt send a letter (never gave my address she did) and it was all passive aggressive about her Christmas gathering. Then NPDM wrote a letter which basically gaslighted the situation that made me cut her off. Denial, I heard it wrong blah blah. There is no way I heard anything wrong I heard all I ever needed to hear. She was on camera saying she will shame me! Very NPD of her! (She didn't realize the nanny cam was on) I then watched her take pics of my familys packed belongings and grabbed her neighbor to look at my packed stuff too! Anyway her plea in the letter was to see her grandchildren and go to their games and it was not fair I have ignored family gatherings and it was unfair to keep them away at Christmas. It seemed all she cares about is her little supplies. It really disturbs me. I just want nothing to do with her. Can't enjoy my new home because she knows where I live where my son goes to school. I worry about my husband he works next to her house.  I just want us all to be left alone but I have a nagging guilt. She even told my MIL I keep her from the grandchildrens games. Always the victim! My kids did ask about her. Am I wrong to keep them away? I can't be around her but what if my DH takes them to see her at a play place supervised for a short period? IDK.... I dont trust her I dont want her to damage the kids but will I damage them by separating them? I worry also she will try to intervene somehow with our family with a wellness check up or something idk. I just worry constantly she will never stop. With my therapist guidance I had DH text her that I need my space and will reach out if I find it necessary and she has stopped for now... These narcs are so controlling they hate losing control!!!

[bloomie]

BuzzyBee - this sounds very intense. It is no wonder you are worrying with this kind of onslaught.

I am thankful your mom has taken a step back after hearing from your H. Deep breaths! In/out.

Okay... as for your kids, you are their parent. You and your H bring stability, love, purpose, protection, and provision for your children. Not your mother. Not allowing contact with a grandmother (or anyone) who behaves abusively and is untrustworthy is what wisdom looks like. That is just good parenting. Talking about it, or not, depending on the age of your kiddos in a developmentally appropriate way is also wise.

Your mother has chosen to behave in ways that make it impossible for you and your family to be in contact with her. Your mother is living with the consequences (not punishment) of her own choices. Rescuing her from natural consequences of her own toxic behaviors would seem to be counter productive and unhealthy and reinforce unacceptable behaviors. Right?

Stay the course. Let your nervous system settle down and redirect your energy to enjoying your family and new home. You have set strong boundaries and shut down FM's. You've got this!

How are you doing today?

[footprint33]

BuzzyBee, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your mother sounds exhausting, very narcissistic and toxic. Going NC can be rough waters at first but then it pays off in the end, creating a protective boundary around you and your family.

As bloomie says, you're the parent, not your mother. Your children look primarily to you, not to her. My children haven't seen either of my NPD parents since they were 2 and 4 (they are now 12 and 14), and I went fully NC with my parents when the kids were 5 and 7 (I live thousands of miles away, so the only form of communication was email, which I then stopped).

While I'd originally thought that maybe it would be better for the kids to at least have grandparents in name, I changed my mind after reading a very powerful blogpost 10 years back. It was written by a woman who deeply regretted having her NPD mother involved with her children because in the end, the grandmother was able to turn the children against her, their mother, when the kids were in their late teens. The woman advised others who saw similar dynamics with their FOO to be honest with their kids from a young age, tell them that the NPD parent/grandparent had done harmful things, wasn't trustworthy, etc. So when my kids were fairly young, I started letting them know that my parents had not treated me kindly when I was young. My kids now have no relationship with their NPD grandparents and they are fine for it. I didn't tell the kids everything but have always let them know the basic truth, which is that NPD parents are unkind people and that I was the scapegoat in our family.

When FMs or others try to shame me for not giving my NPD parents a relationship with my children, I respond that my parents are alcoholics and abusive. Usually, once I throw in the alcohol bit, people back off. It always amazes me how people will pry and pry when they find out I'm NC with my parents, whereas if I'd had a husband who did the exact same types of things NPD parents have done to me, everyone would tell me to run for the hills and get out of the relationship. Toxic parents get a pass in our culture. But pointing to their alcoholism usually shuts people up. People are starting to understand the term "personality disorder," so that also might work as a term to use to let people know that your mother is unstable.

At the end of the day though, you do not need to defend yourself in any way with FMs or others. Your children are your priority and your mother should not assume she has a right to any involvement with them. Again, they are your kids, not hers.

Your situation is more complex than mine because you live near to your mother. However, it's still possible to create boundaries. Your house is your house, not hers. Your mother should also not be going to your son's school, and I'm wondering if it might be worth mentioning something to an administrator at the school about your mother so that the school knows you are not OK with your mother involving herself with your son there. They are legally required to follow the parents' wishes, not the grandparent's.

Let us know how things go, and sending you big hugs.

footprint

[AliceWinter]

BuzzyBee
I fully understand that you feel the need to step away from your mum and that you don't want her around the children. I have been in a similair situation and can also relate to your worries and nagging guilt. Recently I had another thought about it though. Perhaps it might be that we feel more intense about this than our children do. I imagine it has to do with us being used to feel responible for whatever goes wrong in the relationship with the PD parent. We're used to getting shamed and we are used to the guilttripping. We're perhaps in a traumabond with the PD parent. So for the children it might be a little less complicated. Of course I don't know if this is true and I guess it can depend on what the relationship has been like.

But I agrew with the other comments, that it is wise to protect your children from the dysfunction. Even if it in any way would harm them to keep them apart from their grandparents, the alternative most likely also would, but in a different way. And as a friend of mine told me when I felt low. At least you show your children that it is possible to step away from toxic relationships. I think it is good for them to see parents who are able to protect themselves, even if it means no contact.