How I got here

[keepmoving]

I have been a voyeur on this forum, it was an incredibly important resource to me during a time when I was too afraid to even share myself anonymously on the internet.
I am a child of a uNPD parent. I have gone no contact with this parent and have minimal contact with their spouse. This has helped, I feel less anxious, but I still feel the gaping hole a family leaves and struggle to fill it. I have been conditioned to accept the unacceptable behavior behavior of my uNPD parent, which has set me up for self-doubt, codependency, and caretaking. I am currently struggling with what I believe is an uPD friend of mine, my draw to silence my own feelings and take care of her. I fall back into the role of regulator/peacemaker, who pushes their own emotions down in order to be a good mediator.
I am struggling with myself, who I am and what I want. I am trying to learn how to feel the emotions that I couldn't feel around my uNPD parent. I struggle too with the vulnerability of intimacy and the fear I feel around being seen "needing" anything. I am also struggling living with this uPD friend, as I don't feel emotionally safe around her, I fear this issue is stunting my personal growth, though a part of me believes this is at least an opportunity to maintain my personal boundaries and learn how to take care of myself emotionally.
Thank you all for being apart of this great community, I so grateful it exists.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group keepmoving,

i'm glad you felt you could post about what is going on with your mother and how this has had an effect on other relationships in your life.

i'm 52 and have been NC with my biological mother for 30 years in 2024.  it has gotten easier over time but for the first part of that time i also struggled, learning to be an adult while reparenting myself was hard.  over the years i found some sister friends who could be better adult female role models for me which helped me find my way out of a very bad relationship with someone who was uPD - my mind thought that fixing him would somehow fix the things in me that needing as a result of a trauma filled childhood.

keep reading.  keep posting.  keep taking those baby steps and when you are ready to share more about the situation, we're listening.

[bloomie]

Hi keepmoving! Welcome! I am glad you are in a place where you are able to offically join the community.

Recognizing the tendencies and ways you have been conditioned to caretake and tamp down your own feelings and needs is a huge step!!! I cannot stress that enough!

It must be especially difficult as you live with this friend, but you seem to have growing awareness of how this relationship is impacting your forward movement. And yet, here you are reaching out for support as you navigate this challenge! I hope you will be encouraged and empowered as you gain insights and support as you share. 

I look forward to seeing you out there on the forum boards and I hope you find your time here to be of great help!

[keepmoving]

Thank you for you replies,

xredshoesx, I hope to find some sister friends like the ones you mentioned. I think finding a chosen family has been difficult for me as I still haven't experienced many healthy intimate friendships or relationships. I'll keep reading and posting and hopefully learn more about what those look like.

bloomie, thank you for the welcome, I look forward to seeing you on the boards also.