First family get together in years and regret is instant

[Breakthrough]

Hi, long time no posting.  The pandemic meant I have very little interaction with any family as we live close to no one on either side and we couldn't travel to my family for 2 years due to the border closure.  Last year I worked the holidays and we couldn't attend the first bigger family get together on my side.  I initially joined the forum to learn how to deal with my uNMIL and hopefully save my marriage, which thankfully has stayed intact.  After the pandemic, I started to realize that my family had some toxic behaviours too. I suspect my eldest sister is uBPD.  She had always been abusive to me when we were growing up and it didn't stop when we became adults.  Even after I had kids, she was still difficult. Family holidays are almost always at her house bc my parents live with her most of the year.  She would always do her best to uninvite me and start a fight after we had booked our plane tickets. I would generally have to invite myself as well. I didn't realize this until my husband pointed it out.  My kids want to see their cousins and ask me why nobody comes to visit them.  My parents have talked about the family conflicts in front if them and made it out to be my fault, I have told them not to do that again, but the damage is done.  So even my kids think the reason is bc I am the problem.  We came bc of my kids but chose to have a quiet family Christmas by ourselves.  My girls were very excited to see their cousins.  My oldest sister got angry on the way to pick us up from the airport and told us we should have rented a car. I had asked my dad to pick us up months ago but they changed plans last minute and didn't tell us until we phoned after landing.  We decided to frantically look for a car last minute, and eventually just waited for her to get us.  I had to block her on my phone during the pandemic bc she would send me 46 txt while I was at work, after I told her I no longer wanted to discuss the issue she was obsessing over (and judging me for).  All the txt were berating me and trying to change my opinion on something.  She was blocked for over a year but went around that by emailing me a bunch of nasty emails, which I stopped reading after the first 2, which made me cry.  Anyhow, I prayed about it before coming here, and I was able to maintain my composure with her, which is a big win for me.  She has been nice in her own way, she doesn't provide food for us which is fine, but i also am feeling a bit triggered bc i think it's weird and I don't want others eating our groceries, which is bound to happen.  My other older sister is also difficult.  She is the golden child along with my younger sister.  Neither of them can admit they don't really care about me or my kids (they have come to visit us twice in almost 14 years, their previous reasons for not coming to visit were we lived in a not fun place, we now live a 1-2 hour drive from 2 major tourist destinations that attracts visitors from around the world).  There are always excuses but what it cones down to is, we are not worth their effort.  They will never admit this, but it is what it is.  We are lower down on the totem pole than everyone else in the family.  It stings bc my kids ask why nobody comes to visit.  Well, bc they don't really care enough to visit us, sounds harsh, but it's sadly true.  I tell them the excuses that they tell me, they are busy with their other commitments.  I understand that, but I would make time to visit them even when I was busy with my other commitments.  This past summer my sister decided to vacation 2 hours away from us, but didn't tell us until I had phoned her a couple of weeks before. We went out of our way to see them for one day and paid premium hotel prices bc they booked during Taylor Swift's tour. We had an argument as she pointed out we always do, bc she was being demanding and angry I didn't pick up cereal.  She refused to go shopping but asked us to pick up some things for her.  She offered money for one thing but not everything.  Of course her kids wanted to eat what i fed my kids and so i gave it to them.  I forgot to mention, this sister also expected us to buy them dinner out as a thank you for visiting them.  After we pay for expensive tickets to come visit them, I found this weird. When we have family visit we provide for and pay for all the food, and we often pay for activities.  I know it's hard with expenses these days but these households all make much more than we do, they are just stingy.  I told my sister that these demands made me feel welcome and we wouldn't chose to visit very often anymore. Her response was that they would do it, but I told her that doesn't really matter when they don't come visit.  Her kids have asked why we don't visit as often anymore, and I have told them bc now my kids are in school we have less time.  It's true but it's also bc I just don't feel welcome in that home.  My BIL and sister would also have a pile of mending they expected me to do for them.  I eventually told them no, bc my kids were tiny and it was exhausting travelling with them. 

Sorry for this long and rambling post.  I need to get this out somewhere bc I feel gaslit by my entire family.  "Yes we care about you but we'll treat you like we don't and you will need to swallow that bc we say so."  I would be happier if they acknowledged the truth.  I feel like that would be the first step for them to change their actions.  I know this will never happen bc they are deeply in denial and acknowledging anything that puts either of these golden children in a poor light would be impossible for them. I am quite sure I was the scapegoat growing up.  I have worked on myself enough now to mostly just accept that this is how things are in this family.  Growing up I was suicidal during my teens.  I didn't feel I had any worth in my family and they sometimes reminded me of this with actually words that said this.  Now it's just with actions. I sometimes have these thoughts now still and my family can be triggering.  It happens less bc I won't allow it anymore, I want to live a long life to take care of my kids.  I always wanted to be a mother.  I think now, it's probably bc I was always conditionally loved by my parents and I wanted to love my own kids unconditionally. 

Thanks for anyone who read this long post.  I know my sisters will never acknowledge all the hurt they still inflict on me, but it helps to get it out somewhere. I am not crazy and my feelings and thoughts are valid.  Being gaslit sucks but I guess I just need to let it go, it will never be acknowledged and I know this.  I just have to tolerate the abuse for my kids and let it go.  At least it's just for a limited time.  We're also spending thousands of dollars to go on a trip my sisters want to do, bc my kids want to go.  The time change and gas lighting combo will require lots of mental prep on my part. 

[bloomie]

Breakthrough - thank you for sharing the difficulty you are experiencing attempting to keep connections with your parents, sisters and their families.

Living at a distance can obscure the pervasive nature of the disregard of you and your family, I have found. It can also allow for contact far longer than we may be able to handle if we lived close and the pattern of disinterest and pettiness was in your face more often.

I would be happier if they acknowledged the truth.  I feel like that would be the first step for them to change their actions. 

As much as it hurts and as confusing and confounding it all is... it seems like your FOO does acknowledge the truth, just not verbally. From what you describe here they are high conflict and rude. Fault finding and quick to pick a fight. They show you what their expectations are as you describe them expecting you to do their menial chores like mending, extend yourself beyond what they are willing to do to spend time with them and then pay for the 'privilige'. They change up plans at the last minute and don't inform you in a reasonable time, they expect you to travel on their timeframe to where they want to go and for you to go along in order to offer your kids and the cousins family experiences.

My question to you is... did you agree to any of this?

I just have to tolerate the abuse for my kids and let it go.  At least it's just for a limited time.  We're also spending thousands of dollars to go on a trip my sisters want to do, bc my kids want to go.  The time change and gas lighting combo will require lots of mental prep on my part.

What I wish someone had said to me when I was making the same kinds of decisions in order to placate and stay in connection with extended family was this: It is your choice. You have free will. There are many families out there who you most likely come in contact with who I am going to bet would love to travel with you and spend time with you and your kiddos offering a family of choice that is reliable and reasonably healthy.

Cultivating a community around yourself and your children that meets the needs for true, stable loving connections is another option to all of the trauma and drama that twisting yourself into a knot to spend time with your FOO seems to be.

You know what happened when I stopped accommodating, making the effort, paying far more than my fair share, feeding all of the children, bridging the gap, absorbing the toxic, disrespectful, miserable behaviors and simply dropped the rope? The true level of their interest and... listen carefully here, willingness to actually know me and pursue a reasonably reciprocal relationship with me was revealed. And I learned and saw what I truly needed to know and see so that I could then make decisions out of a place of reality and wisdom about the level of emotional, spiritual, mental, physical, financial effort I would make going forward.

You come here to share this painful experience and I am sure glad you did. My heart aches for you as I think about you dreading and enduring another vacation with all of this. But, sometimes we stay in a toxic place because we have developed a unhealthy tolerance for such disrespect and rudeness from family members. And we also can get pretty foggy about how important the relationships we tell ourselves we are preserving for our children in all of this really are in the long term.

Keep coming back and working through this and looking at the toll this is taking on you, and by extension, your family. I am glad you shared and trusted us with this.

[Breakthrough]

Thanks so much for the response Bloomie.  You make many excellent points and you are right, they do know, they just don't consciously admit it.  My younger sister has said she won't make as much effort after my parents pass.  My oldest sister has recently decided she wants to move.  My parents live with her most of the time because she lives in an area where they have a strong church community and a good social life. It was also bc she needed a lot of help with her kids.  I forgot to mention they live part time near me, and if my sister moves, they will probably be closer to full time near me (in their own home).  In that instance it will be on me full time to care for them. For the sake of my parents and siblings, I will continue the relationships, as stressful as they can be, until both my parents pass, bc I might end up as their primary caregiver.  I have already told my husband that after my parents pass, I won't be making this effort anymore.  I hope my parents live a long time yet, and I think it's a good chance they will.  I do make the effort bc I want relationships with my nieces and nephews too.  I did realize during the pandemic that these relationships with my siblings were super stressful at times, even at a distance, and that did help me create better boundaries.  I only go now if my kids want to go and there are fewer get togethers. The expensive vacation they want to go to will be fun, and my girls are excited. No issues with having to provide food for others while at their house (and me feeling awkward and resentful) bc we all fend for ourselves so this will be better.  Will my sister speak rudely to me, probably. I will call them on it without bringing up the bigger issues going forward. It might help.  The good thing about going on vacation together is we can split up and do something on our own if the extended family gets too much.  My oldest sister has been the nicest, probably bc I set the hard boundary with her before and she knows now, I have too much on my plate with my own kids and their issues, I don't have the time or energy for extended family drama.  I have to stay mentally healthy to work and support my family and to manage and raise my kids and help them.  It's been better now since realizing this.  If these get togethers become too much then we'll stop too, but for now i want to see the kids before they have all grown up. 

Thanks for your point about chosen family.  unfortunately, those efforts haven't worked out great for us either. I ended up in a bunch of one sided friendships and eventually just let them die.  We have some good friends that are leaving now and other friends too but those relationships can be one sided as well.  Attempts to plan vacations with them have been in vain.  When we go with just our little family, I enjoy our vacations, but the girls want to make friends and play with other kids.  So it would be nice to have some travel family friends, but so far not something that has worked out for us.  There are some big vacations I want to go on, and I invited my younger sister bc she's the most likely to want to go and our kids are similar in ages and get along really well.  I doubt they'll come because of finances but she is interested.  We'll go anyways once we save enough to go.  They are dream experiences for my kids, I just hope it's safe to go to them by the time we can afford it.

Thanks again Bloomie.  Your insights are so helpful and I will be coming back to read them.