Guilt-Anxiety-Insomnia Spiral

wisingup · December 31, 2023, 01:05:00 PM

Hi everyone - just reaching out for some moral support as I've gotten myself into a bad space. I'm heading for therapy as soon as I possibly can get it set up, but I think I've got some tough days ahead.

I'm getting hit with massive waves of guilt and anxiety which is causing insomnia, which is in turn creating additional anxiety and misery around not getting any sleep. Many many factors are contributing - job stress, holiday stress, exacerbated guilt over how I have handled uBPDm & being VLC with her. Feeling like I'm not there for my (adult) kids like I should be.

I think it's all related to watching with horror at my uBPDm living out her final years in assisted living with no friends, at odds with most of her family, declining into dementia & physical frailty. This after watching my father self-destruct from alcoholism a couple decades ago. Is this my future? Did I cause this & thus deserve the same fate?

Ugh, sorry to drop this on you. Again, heading straight to therapy ASAP, but I'd dearly love to hear if anyone has navigating anything similar & found their way out the other side.

wisingup · January 01, 2024, 10:56:29 AM

user - thank you so much for this thoughtful reply. I'm doing a little better today. I couldn't agree more about the SSRI's. I went through this once before - in my early twenties - and started taking an SSRI. I was on one for most of my adult life until last year. I was diagnosed with a seizure disorder & now I can no longer take SSRIs as they lower my seizure threshold. So I am sure that is contributing as well. I can speak to my doctors about the possibility of a different medication though & will do so.

I was so afraid & ashamed in my twenties for having a mental health issue - I tried to hide it from everyone which of course made it worse. This time, I told my DH and DD's what was going on with me & received love & support - that helped a ton.

Another thing that helped yesterday was reading back through my posts on this site. I was able to relive all the reasons I am VVLC with mom and seeing all the ways I have tried over the years to have a relationship with her only to have her refuse to consider her own behavior OR just let me walk away. No, she wants me trapped in a relationship that serves her & damages me.

Thank you for the book recommendation - I will check that out as well!

Call Me Cordelia · January 01, 2024, 04:24:47 PM

Oh man, I have been in this cycle too. I'm glad you are getting help. Sometimes it has been made worse by my thyroid acting up, so that may be something to get checked out too.

For short term, I agree with the basics of exercise (in the morning if you can possibly make it happen), staying hydrated, and just generally taking care of your health/sleep hygiene. And there is nothing wrong with utilizing a Unisom, if it's compatible with your other medication. I mention that specifically because taking medicine felt like admitting defeat to me and I get shame attacks over it. And what if I never can sleep naturally and...? All the secondary anxiety. It's okay, that's what it's for, so you can live as normal a life as you can while dealing with the deeper issues. Just like an SSRI would be. Hang in there, friend, you are on the path to better days (and nights).

wisingup · January 02, 2024, 07:51:42 PM

QuoteThere is a very old book that I found hugely comforting in that season. It's called Help and Hope for your Nerves by Dr. Claire Weekes. It teaches some good strategies for walking through panic attacks and severe anxiety.

user - I got this book yesterday. Wow, it's powerfully soothing. I know that in my previous episode(s), it was the "secondary anxiety" or the anxiety about the anxiety that really brought me down. I love how she provides tools to greatly lessen that almost immediately. Now I just have to take care of myself, feel the feelings, and let time pass. What a relief to be told I can drop the fight, in a sense.

QuoteFor short term, I agree with the basics of exercise (in the morning if you can possibly make it happen), staying hydrated, and just generally taking care of your health/sleep hygiene. And there is nothing wrong with utilizing a Unisom, if it's compatible with your other medication. I mention that specifically because taking medicine felt like admitting defeat to me and I get shame attacks over it. And what if I never can sleep naturally and...? All the secondary anxiety. It's okay, that's what it's for, so you can live as normal a life as you can while dealing with the deeper issues. Just like an SSRI would be. Hang in there, friend, you are on the path to better days (and nights).

Call Me Cordelia - thank you for sharing your experience and for this advice. It's very on track with what is said in the book that user recommended. The author makes it clear that the anti-anxiety or sleep meds are a key part of breaking the cycle and there should be no shame in using them. They are a tool to help your body heal, as it will heal faster when relaxed and getting enough sleep.

Today was a bit of a tough day, as it was back to work and a very full email inbox after our holiday break. But from today, things really should get progressively easier until I either fully or semi-retire in April. Deep breaths, one day at a time, take care of myself.

My New Life · January 08, 2024, 10:23:46 PM

Hi Wising Up,
I am sorry you are dealing with this spiral. I have been there. I understand your concerns your concerns about your mom in assisted care, living out her final days without in tact relationships with family or friends. My mom is doing the same.

I do not believe, even a little bit, that this will be your fate. The fact that you are asking the question, means you have the courage to self-reflect, and that is a skill most people with PD do not possess. Self-responsibility is the trait of a healthy person. Taking on the responsibility for the actions of others, is not.

I have come to the conclusion that my mom is where she is, based on DAILY decisions she made over the course of decades. I cannot undo that. I used to try to take care of her and protect her from the natural consequences of her decisions. I did this, at great personal cost emotionally and physically. I have grown to understand how dysfunctional this is.

Based on some of your earlier posts, I gather that you, like me, would never do this for our adult children. We know this behavior is not love, and not healthy for them. Likewise, we would never expect our children to carry us, while taking abuse from us. Maybe we allow that to be our guide in dealing with our uPD parents.

One thing I have learned to do, when I feel myself circling the drain of anxiety and guilt, is tell myself, aloud, "You are feeling guilt for something you are not responsible for, again. You learned to do this as a child to survive. Good for you, as a child, finding a way to cope with unpredictable behaviors and rages of your parent. But this skill is not necessary anymore. You are safe. Let it go."

By saying this, I create a little space between my true self, and the emotions I am feeling. Which keeps the emotions from swallowing me whole.

I send you thoughts of peace, strength and well-being.

wisingup · January 09, 2024, 11:26:16 AM

Hi MNL! Thank you so much for this post. I read it as I was getting into bed last night & I think it helped me relax & get a good night's sleep.

Boat Babe · January 11, 2024, 05:45:42 AM

Hi wising up. That all sounds very difficult and combined with a lack of sleep - gargh! Our PD parents are the gift that keeps on giving eh? You have my complete sympathy. Watching your mother suffer as she ages is gonna hurt, no matter what she did to you as a child/adult. Everybody's comments are spot on, especially the one from My New Life. I hope these can help you wrap your head around the problem. As to the sleeping issue, that may be easier to tackle, eventually. Sounds like a nasty combo of possibly age related insomnia and coming off SSRIs. I totally relate as I have both these issues. I'm 66 and am two years out of being medicated (20 mg of SSRIs for 20 years). It has been difficult and I have to manage my mental health in a very conscious way on a daily basis, which includes getting a decent amount of sleep. So, I nap when I can to make up for any shortfall at night, I try to walk for at least an hour in daylight every single day (the dog is a great help), I have a SAD lamp that I use in the morning to regulate my circadian rhythm and I use cannabis edibles at night (not in the day cos I want to be alert). The edibles have been a gamechanger but I don't take them if I have to drive the next day as my country has strict laws about driving with THC in the bloodstream and I don't want to lose my licence. Hope this helps.

wisingup · January 11, 2024, 04:58:44 PM

Thank you Boat Babe - I appreciate hearing your experience. Job and general life stress have been off the charts since the start of covid & I'm surprised I made it this far without a major meltdown, in hindsight.

I've tried edibles before & am up to try them again. I'll have to ask my daughter where she gets them, lol. I feel like if I can just get a reliable night's sleep, the pit in my stomach will go away & I'll get my energy back. Retirement is just around the corner...just need a little time to pass.