Collecting Child Support-- Retaliation?

[atticusfinch]

Hi all, I am currently considering the pros and cons of going through a government agency to collect child support. One thing that has held me back so far is that I feel my ex will retaliate in some way if I go to collect it. At the same time, I'm drowning in debt and he owes me at least 10k, and I'm really, really tired of the way he jerks me around when it comes to child support.

He sends the checks in the most haphazard ways, which makes it really hard for me to keep track of what has been paid when, and he finds excuses not to pay his half of medical bills, etc. He has also deducted things from my checks in the past and my attorney found at one point that he'd been overcharging me for my half of the kids' insurance. It was only $30 a month, but once that added up over years time, it became significant.

I remember hearing horror stories about trying to collect from NPD personalities and that they take it as a narcissistic injury and sue for custody and win (mine would never win, but I wouldn't put it past him to try).

I am just looking for some guidance or some of your experiences to know how to move forward?

[Poison Ivy]

I recommend that you contact the state or other governmental-unit agency that can collect child support. In my state, parents are required to use the agency. One thing to keep in mind is that the child support is for the children, not the parents, so you would be fulfilling an obligation to your children by asking the agency to participate in collection and enforcement efforts.

[moglow]

I second that one ^ It's not intended as punishment, but rather enforcement of his obligations. However he may dislike, it would take personal contact with him regarding child support out of the equation, and that way he's held accountable if/when he fails to pay as determined by the court.

[Rose1]

I found the only way to deal with it was through the gov agency. If I didn't I would not have been eligible for gov assistance.
He did not take it well but at least I did get money that was deducted.
Unfortunately he ended up making sure he didn't earn any except under the table and sob storying to the agency continually. They don't have teeth.

Anyway at least  I didn't have to deal with him direct which would have been far worse. I concentrated on earning enough to support my kids.

You know the situation best but it might give you the breather you need to publish your books

[atticusfinch]

Wow, thanks, Poison Ivy, moglow, and Rose! This is so helpful. For some reason, I had it stuck in my head that it can cause a bunch of troubles when you try to collect from an NPD person. I do think that it would be easier for both of us to have a middleman, as his pride/ego are too much engaged when it comes to me. It would be really nice to save all the emotional energy I spend on worrying about when the next check is coming and whether it is the right amount by letting someone else deal with the nickel-and-diming, entitled side of him. I really appreciate you all. <3

[Poison Ivy]

Good luck. I made my suggestion knowing that using an intermediary will not magically make your ex a good person who pays everything in full and on time. But using an intermediary should remove from you the "enforcement" burden.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I agree. He's already "punishing" you by withholding money from his own children, so what do you have to lose by getting an ally here? He very well may try to find other malicious things to try but... I see that less engagement can only be a good thing. I am cheering for you and your writing!

[Rose1]

He once made a threat to the agency about his lawyers smith and wesson.i was so mortified I phoned them up to see if I could smooth it over.

The lovely young lady just laughed and said "oh yes, threat number 23". Heard it before.