Sanity Check

[Boat Babe]

 

[wasted_tropics]

Another email from another account, saying that I need to help. That I'm not allowed to abuse women.

I feel the panic in my chest once again, but I blocked the new account. I know how this goes.

When we met, I didn't have a problem with her being a feminist-- I mean, I'm one. I think there are absolutely systems of oppression in place in this country. I was in the military. I have witnessed actual rape culture first hand. We have problems and we need to fix them. But her rhetoric was always more than that. On more than one occasion she made a joke about putting all men into re-education camps.

I humored her. She'd been through a lot. A lot of men suck. I'm a male victim and I'm willing to bet the numbers of abusers skew towards men if we could get the real numbers. I'd wager something like 55-60%. I don't want to derail this thread into a discussion of social science. The point is that she would lump all men into one category. Potential abusers and rapists. And now I see myself lumped in there in her rhetoric. She said multiple times in response me communicating my fear that 'at least I had the privilege of being able to protect myself'.

And you know what? When it's behind closed doors, it's not a privilege. It's a burden. I have done martial arts my whole life. I know striking, grappling, bladed weapons, blunt weapons, and guns. I've fought inside a ring, and I've defended myself against people attacking me in both a combat and civilian setting. You know what alllllll that means when there's no cameras, no witnesses, no anything? If you make the slightest mistake out of fear, you're fucked. There is a unique powerlessness in knowing that there is almost no narrative after an altercation where you are the good guy. The raw... freeze that introduces to your mind, knowing you have the power in your own hands to stop what's happening to you, but knowing it will probably be worse if you do. I hoped my ex-wife would successfully stab me, because then at least I'd have defensive wounds. I hoped the same with the ex. Hit me. Give me a black eye. SOMETHING. Sucker punch me so my goddamn muscle memory won't move my head out of the way, because god forbid the muscle memory to hit back kicks in.

I hate feeling guilty, for feeling afraid because I have the power to protect myself. I hate it.

[square]

I hear what you're saying.

But in addition to what user wrote, it comes down to exactly the same thing for every one of us. If we find we are in a situation where violence is a concern, we all have to get the hell out of Dodge.

My own head is kind of messed up from years of crazy, but I intellectually know that sane relationships exist. Walking a tightrope is not a requirement of a decent relationship.

So don't put your focus on how to handle the tightrope (in the future). Just get out if you realize there is one.

[wasted_tropics]

Back into some bad feelings, I suppose. She found my bluesky account. Hadn't done anything with it, but posted a tirade saying I assaulted her, abused her, and abandoned her, and how could I not make things right? Followed by harassing one of my friends who is active on there for their profession.

I feel the familiar swirl of raw terror in my chest. A raging whirlpool. A maelstrom roaring: "How can things be okay? How are they going to be okay? This is the end!"

All because of one. Damn. Message.

I can feel the wounds that were closing starting to rip, scabs bursting again. I didn't want out of this through a fight. It had been what... three weeks since she last contacted me? Maybe more. I was feeling like I had finally come out of stormy seas. And here they are getting choppy again. And the funny thing is, the HILARIOUS thing is, that so much went right this weekend. I got approved for an apartment and because they knew my situation they waived the first ENTIRE MONTH of rent. Just fucking waived it. I had a good weekend with friends, with the girl I'm seeing... I... The voice, the voice in the back of my skull saying 'this is when she strikes', was right.

I'm gonna get a little esoteric here, but a friend of mine who I... engage in spiritual practice with, we had identified something in both of our lives, who's purpose was to steal joy, to steal fire, to smother it. This is that, that thing crawling back towards a bright flame. I felt so. Fucking. Happy. This weekend. So safe, so secure, so ready to move forward into the 2024 that I envisioned for myself. And then of course that's when she attacks.

[square]

Having healing wounds ripped back open is the worst.

Hey, you're asking for a sanity check.

"The girl I'm seeing."

We would be committing malpractice not to say something.

[escapingman]

Having healing wounds ripped back open is the worst.

Hey, you're asking for a sanity check.

"The girl I'm seeing."

We would be committing malpractice not to say something.

"The girl I'm seeing."
That sounds very dangerous, I am almost 2 years out and haven't looked at another girl/woman/lady since. I need to heal properly before even considering it, I am getting there I really am but please take care my friend and don't get yourself into another relationship with a PD and certainly not before really being out of the last.