Hello All, looking to see if I might find a place here

[tf322]

Hello All,

I just finished Pete Walker's "Complex PTSD" and one of his chapters mentioned finding support in online groups and outofthefog.net was recommended among others.  I've been in therapy for nearly 30 years, but have only found out about CPTSD and come to terms with childhood trauma in the last few months.  I've been NC with my dad intermittently but we have a relationship currently where I am dictating boundaries, though he still has a habit of calling me when I somehow feel my weaknest.  My dad was always the 'problem' parent, but I realize my mom is not the safe person I thought and it has messed me up.  I've started trauma therapy and IFS for about 2 months and my new therapist is amazing, but I'm looking to expand my community of safety so I'm giving this forum a try.

I appreciate you all and hope to talk with you all more.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group tf,

i'm 30 years NC this year with my biological mother and just starting to come to terms with the role my father played in the abuse, and it's been hard allowing myself to be angry with him bc for so long i was busy being more mad at my mother.   the website/ forum here have helped me in all aspects of my life in recovery/ reparenting myself and i hope you can get as much out of it as i have.

when you're ready to share more- we're listening

[bloomie]

Hi there and adding another warm welcome! I am so glad you reached out and for the dedicated steps you are taking to understand and heal from the complex trauma of your childhood.

You have found a community of folks who get what it is like to come to the realization that the trauma, difficulty and abuse of our childhoods was brought by both parents. Usually one more overt than the other, but each playing different or shifting roles, neither protecting us and prioritizing us in our vulnerability. I am so sorry this is the case for you as well.

Make good use of the forum resources and keep coming back and sharing. It helps to lighten a heavy load!

[tf322]

Thank you friends.  It's been hard to not downplay past abuses in order to try and preserve the "good parent" status.  It still makes me immensely sad that the home I grew up in no longer feels like a sanctuary.  I realize that the sanctuary often involved maladaptive coping mechanisms like substance abuse with a lot of hand-waving.  I'm still working on not feeling a sense of disgust with my past selves but I think I've been closer to self-love than ever before.

I also have an amazing spouse who has created the safest space I've ever found.  Look forward to talk with you all.

[moglow]

@tf322 - Welcome! I just had one thought for now on this ...

I've been NC with my dad intermittently but we have a relationship currently where I am dictating boundaries, though he still has a habit of calling me when I somehow feel my weaknest.

I'm not sure how one dictates boundaries - the idea is that we determine our boundaries and do what's needed to protect and maintain them. Boundaries aren't an attempt to control another's behavior. Simply put: Your dad keeps calling when you're not up to it? Don't answer. And don't call him back until you feel better or actually have something to say. Your boundaries = your responsibility. You don't have to answer every call whether from him or anyone else. Try to think of it that way if it helps - do you always race to answer, thinking someone will be offended if you don't? Probably not, I'm betting you let people leave a message [or not] when you're not up to talking.

Start with the little things and bigger ones will follow. Boundaries aren't punishment, but necessary for every one of us in every relationship we have. We're just not used to it with parents, because they were never allowed. Now we're adults and can live our lives as we wish! We don't have to have their 100% approval or agreement.

[tf322]

@tf322 - Welcome! I just had one thought for now on this ...

I've been NC with my dad intermittently but we have a relationship currently where I am dictating boundaries, though he still has a habit of calling me when I somehow feel my weaknest.

I'm not sure how one dictates boundaries - the idea is that we determine our boundaries and do what's needed to protect and maintain them. Boundaries aren't an attempt to control another's behavior. Simply put: Your dad keeps calling when you're not up to it? Don't answer. And don't call him back until you feel better or actually have something to say. Your boundaries = your responsibility. You don't have to answer every call whether from him or anyone else. Try to think of it that way if it helps - do you always race to answer, thinking someone will be offended if you don't? Probably not, I'm betting you let people leave a message [or not] when you're not up to talking.

Start with the little things and bigger ones will follow. Boundaries aren't punishment, but necessary for every one of us in every relationship we have. We're just not used to it with parents, because they were never allowed. Now we're adults and can live our lives as we wish! We don't have to have their 100% approval or agreement.

Thank you Moglow!

I did not articulate well at all.  Generally, I don't pick up if I'm feeling low, but it is uncanny how I will see his name pop up when I'm at my lowest.  Just seeing him calling can be activating for me at times, but I do feel he is pretty close to end of life, and I still want some contact at this time.  I totally agree with you that my boundaries are my responsibility, btw.  I will say that when we reconnected, he told me he was proud of me and how I've done in life, and I realize that didn't really make me feel any better as I already had the internalized voice that persistently told me I wasn't enough.