Some strategies on Judgements

[sunshine702]

My Narc mom is a black ball of judgement.  If comes out the ugliest at my scapegoated brother.  For the longest time it was his weight and smoking. Then he had a health scare (pancreatitis) and now it is his teeth and because he has lost all the weight it is his job situation.

I honestly can't deal with it.  I talk to him and hear much more real detail from him that I don't need her triangulated tale and out of the blue ideas about what he NEEDS to do from her expert in all things eyeroll!  And the honestly evil judgments leave me shaking with rage after because he is going through a health issue who gives a bleep about his teeth right now you evil witch he is lucky to be alive!!

I need some help.  I need strategies here.  I should have something planned to get me off the phone.  Or maybe I should have some "important thing" happening where I can barely take her calls.

Or maybe I will snap and say what I am thinking and cut her toxic judgement off for good.  Some days I think about it. 

Help me with some plans and strategies you have tried so I don't blow up. 

[moglow]

Sunshine, I had to institute a hard and fast no gossip rule with mine. For me gossip is any talk about others when a. they're not around, or b. unproductive often spiteful commentary about others in general. Not genuine concern for and trying to find ways to help them, in other words. If it's not something about me and my stuff I'm not listening to it and not passing along to her - and I don't share my own stuff with her either.

I started flat out asking why she's telling me this, she'd say "they're your family! you need to know!" But do I? Is it helping them or me, spewing this negativity all over their lives? I threw her own oft-repeated, if you can't say anything nice maybe it's best to say nothing at all. I'm not going to claim it went over well, but I learned to nip it whenever she started, change the subject or end the conversation entirely when needed. [Of course she promptly pretty much stopped talking to me so there's that.] I honestly had to break my own habits of responding to her negativity and learn how even positive responses served no one.

Maybe point out to brother when you can that she's not his friend, that he might want to heavily edit and limit what he tells her. Let her make up what she wants, but the spiteful comments behind his back aren't necessary or welcome.

[sunshine702]

Yes there is no helpful reason I need to hear about how she feels about his teeth.  It is often appearance related because he has gotten better at giving her little real detail about his life.  I might say something like " While he is going through this scary health crisis I really don't think that is important.  And try to change the subject.  I honestly think I need to be busy with My Pottery Class. (No such thing). And just limit any talking for awhile.  She does not take any clues or feedback and is always right and always wonderful.  She talks at me not to me

[moglow]

I'd tend more to a snotty, Some opinions really don't need to be voiced, mother. It's not helpful for him. Then refuse to discuss or listen to it further. If you don't respond, her comments fall flat. It takes consistency but it can work for you. 

[SeaBreeze]

Yuck! I can understand your discomfort when your mother says rude things about others, particularly people you care about. When people talk bad about others to me, I can't help but wonder what are they saying to others about me behind my back?

My late uNPDm was the gossip queen and a Judge Judy at that. I agree with moglow's suggested stated boundaries. As for getting off the phone...my brother used to set an egg timer when our mother called. He figured out he could handle about 15 minutes talking with her before the convo went downhill. So he'd set the timer for 15 minutes. "Gotta go, Mom, food's done!" 😄

[Cat of the Canals]

Someone else on this board just shared Mrs. Frazzled. She's a kindergarten teacher who makes videos about dealing with problematic adults and handling them like she would her students. I've only watched a few and already have a LOT of ideas for ways to respond to my PDmom and PDmil's judgmental comments. 

[moglow]

When people talk bad about others to me, I can't help but wonder what are they saying to others about me behind my back?

This. It took far too long for it to register with me, with all the vile or deeply personal things md was telling me about others, that she was in all likelihood saying as bad or worse to those very people about me. Interesting note: she rarely shared happy uplifting anything. Dug deep into negativity and spite then rolled around in it.