Insight requested please

StartingHealing · January 07, 2024, 03:47:24 PM

Hello to all the brave souls here. Have a question for those who have gone through a similar circumstance.

Step son, well former step son is renting a room from me. So far so good. His mother, the former spouse was single mother till he was about 13. Single child. He has asked my help in getting his financial act together. He is working full time and makes between 20-21 USD per hour.

It seems to me at this time that he defaults into playing the victim and does not want to do the things needed for him to get to a firm stance financially. There will some sacrifice on his part in that there will need to be a short term reduction in his "disposable" income of I estimate 3 to 6 months.

This will ultimately be for his best good long term but damn, it's like I'm dealing with a teenager when he is well into his late 20's.

Is this a type of learned behavior? Is this something that he can unlearn? I'm just frustrated with it.

My thanks in advance.

xredshoesx · January 07, 2024, 05:27:19 PM

i'm glad he has you to help him right now- it sounds like he may never have had a financial education from your ex. i feel for your situation because one of my mother's ex husbands had custody of me briefly. the man was a tyrant but he did make sure we all knew how to keep house, cook, shop and budget and those tasks fell on myself and his two oldest after the divorce was final and i was sent to live with him. it sounds like in your situation you've already given your ex's kid a much kinder start to being an adult and that makes you awesome in my book-

SonofThunder · January 07, 2024, 05:38:38 PM

Hi StartingHealing,

A couple comments.

-You wrote: "He has asked my help in getting his financial act together."

-You also wrote: "step son is renting a room from me. So far so good"

Doesn't sound like he is trying to be a freeloader and trusts you enough to ask for some financial advice, and both of those sound well enough to me.

A: He spent his formative years (13 years total) alone with her prior to his living in your home..with her. Knowing what she is like, do you expect him to be like a mature young adult man who was raised by a nonPD?

I say hats off to the kid for having a job, paying rent and reaching out to you for financial guidance.

B: He's an adult, and you seem to be in a stage where you are also putting your life back together; both of which related to the same lady. Do you really desire to take the time and energy to start mentoring a young man on his attitude/work-ethic, vs just the financial advice he asked about?

I would advise, since he's paying rent as an adult, that you simply treat him like any adult renter. Since he asked, stay solely on the topic of financial advice from your perspective, purposely leaving the rest up to this young man to figure out. He may desire financial advice from others as well, to weigh in comparison.

"It's is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings." ~Ann Landers.

I think A above makes his trail quite the steep learning curve related to Ms Landers truth. I hope you enjoy his company and his trust in you as a landlord and advisor. That alone speaks volumes about you.

SoT

Poison Ivy · January 07, 2024, 05:56:11 PM

square · January 07, 2024, 08:03:55 PM

Excellent stuff so far. Here's what I'll toss into the hat.

I think it's so, so important to be a guide / mentor / teacher / model / support for those younger than us.

But that's all we can do. It's not our place to carry their burdens.

Whatever he learns from you, great. But his life, his choices. He might not want to make the sacrifices you or I would. It's fine, it's not yours to carry. It might even work out great, who knows.

The other thing is that some of the things you might guide him on might deposit as a seed into his mind to germinate to one degree or another later. So what appears to be a failure might just be a process.

Ask him what he wants from you, rather than just advising what you see. Perhaps he only wants, say, investment advice, but he's expecting the initial investment to somehow appirate without any changes to his lifestyle.

So point him in a direction, don't kill yourself, and mention that the earlier he saves, the more his dollar will grow, and when he's ready to put that together he can give you a holler anytime.

Don't try to make him, just let him know and step aside.

Put in the same effort he does. If he starts buckling down, give him more help.

And don't carry his burden either way.

StartingHealing · January 18, 2024, 09:18:58 AM

Quote from: xredshoesx on January 07, 2024, 05:27:19 PMi'm glad he has you to help him right now- it sounds like he may never have had a financial education from your ex. i feel for your situation because one of my mother's ex husbands had custody of me briefly. the man was a tyrant but he did make sure we all knew how to keep house, cook, shop and budget and those tasks fell on myself and his two oldest after the divorce was final and i was sent to live with him. it sounds like in your situation you've already given your ex's kid a much kinder start to being an adult and that makes you awesome in my book-

thank you. Indeed, the former spouse was ... let's say that she, by choice, was supported by the social safety nets. And there was parents that were there as a backstop against her own bad decisions. As the step son was a singular grandchild, unfortunately, he had an attitude of entitlement. He's not a bad person, it's more of a passivity towards things that do need some attention. Fingers and toes crossed that he can start picking up what I'm laying down.

StartingHealing · January 18, 2024, 09:23:20 AM

Quote from: SonofThunder on January 07, 2024, 05:38:38 PMHi StartingHealing,

A couple comments.

-You wrote: "He has asked my help in getting his financial act together."

-You also wrote: "step son is renting a room from me. So far so good"

Doesn't sound like he is trying to be a freeloader and trusts you enough to ask for some financial advice, and both of those sound well enough to me.

A: He spent his formative years (13 years total) alone with her prior to his living in your home..with her. Knowing what she is like, do you expect him to be like a mature young adult man who was raised by a nonPD?

I say hats off to the kid for having a job, paying rent and reaching out to you for financial guidance.

B: He's an adult, and you seem to be in a stage where you are also putting your life back together; both of which related to the same lady. Do you really desire to take the time and energy to start mentoring a young man on his attitude/work-ethic, vs just the financial advice he asked about?

I would advise, since he's paying rent as an adult, that you simply treat him like any adult renter. Since he asked, stay solely on the topic of financial advice from your perspective, purposely leaving the rest up to this young man to figure out. He may desire financial advice from others as well, to weigh in comparison.

"It's is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings." ~Ann Landers.

I think A above makes his trail quite the steep learning curve related to Ms Landers truth. I hope you enjoy his company and his trust in you as a landlord and advisor. That alone speaks volumes about you.

SoT

Thanks Sot. I do believe that your are correct that his learning curve is going to be steep. I do keep things on a friendly business level as it were. he has his own path, as I have mine, and for the time being the paths are on a parallel track.

StartingHealing · January 18, 2024, 09:30:29 AM

Quote from: square on January 07, 2024, 08:03:55 PMExcellent stuff so far. Here's what I'll toss into the hat.

I think it's so, so important to be a guide / mentor / teacher / model / support for those younger than us.

But that's all we can do. It's not our place to carry their burdens.

Whatever he learns from you, great. But his life, his choices. He might not want to make the sacrifices you or I would. It's fine, it's not yours to carry. It might even work out great, who knows.

The other thing is that some of the things you might guide him on might deposit as a seed into his mind to germinate to one degree or another later. So what appears to be a failure might just be a process.

Ask him what he wants from you, rather than just advising what you see. Perhaps he only wants, say, investment advice, but he's expecting the initial investment to somehow appirate without any changes to his lifestyle.

So point him in a direction, don't kill yourself, and mention that the earlier he saves, the more his dollar will grow, and when he's ready to put that together he can give you a holler anytime.

Don't try to make him, just let him know and step aside.

Put in the same effort he does. If he starts buckling down, give him more help.

And don't carry his burden either way.

I'm definitely not going to carry his burden for him. The learning that comes from the consequences of actions / not taking action, sometimes is the best teacher. As a father, my focus was and is the kids have to be functional adults and will admit that there have been times that it really hurt to stand back and let life happen. Interestingly, that wanting to step into the breach for a loved one, which I think is a genetic thing as a guy, is also one of those things that the former spouse abused.

square · January 18, 2024, 02:30:52 PM

Yeah, I'm a problem-solver too. It's not my nature to just let a problem sit, but I am at the point where I find it not only incredibly freeing but also an act of love to let people carry their own weight.

I really value being able to set my own goals and do things my way, so it's a joy to give that to others.

As a woman, I get a lot of social pressure to solve certain problems. For example, everyone considers it my responsibility to get my husband to a doctor for his health issues. Also to get him to call his mom. And so on. People have been full-on aghast that I shrug it off. Those don't belong to me. Freedom for me and freedom for him!! 💪

PlantFlowersNotWeeds · January 19, 2024, 05:41:14 PM

Right now, I'm experiencing the same with my 19 yr old son.

He demands that I solve a current problem for him - in a verbally abusive way, and then is surprised I say no.

I'm holding firm because he needs to learn how to rely on himself and how to communicate. I try and do my best nonviolent communication strategies with him and most of the time, I'm pretty good.

It's sad because I believe that he is modelling his PD father's behavior; I just hope he follows a different path.