Really struggling to make friends

[blistering]

Hi,

my main takeaway from being raised by an Nparent was that I got very used to (and good at) being alone. Growing up I had no siblings and no close relationship to any family member, I learned to deal with everything alone, especially with emotional struggles. I did have a few friends here and there throughout school but it was mostly other 'outcast' kids and I was mostly excluded by my peers in school and such. So I believe I just never learned the 'normal' way to relate to people.

I got more social as I became a teen and as an adult I moved out and got my own life. I moved a few hours away, on purpose, and basically started totally from scratch. Over the years I developed socially, became more confident less anxious etc. However I still live a life that is ultimately centered around being alone. I live alone, I'm single, no kids and most of my hobbies are solitary things. I have no issue meeting new people and become casually aquainted generally. However recently I have found myself wishing I could have more friends, and closer friendships too. I don't know why but basically I suddenly had a moment where it was like a switch flipped and I suddenly wanted to try and get closer to people (platonically). I want to build this 'chosen family' that everyone always talks of.

My problem is that I have trouble making friends beyond a very casual level. I have one friend who I have known since 10 years now, but even with him I'm not very close emotionally. I don't know how to show my emotions or let people in. I am not a very open or warm person, mostly friendly and funny yes but I believe I am always somehow closed off as well. I have gotten that feedback from a few people over the years, that their first impression of me was that I am either very shy or maybe not interested in being approached, but that I am actually quite social once they get to know me better. Often in group conversations I tend to listen more than I talk and so I can 'slip through the cracks' somewhat. I don't take the initiative often and I have a hard time expressing affection. In fact when somebody expresses affection towards me in any way I can react awkwardly or tense up, even if it is not unwanted. It's like I just don't know how to react to it.

So, I am probably not the easiest person to connect with or might even give off signals that I don't even want that, though I do. I think part of me is still in some self protection mode where I think being alone is what I know and it is the safest.

Another problem is my fear of rejection. I am afraid that if I do show someone I like them or want to spend time (speaking only platonically here) they might reject me or feel grossed out. I believe this comes from the way other children used to treat me in my youth. I was always the uncool kid that noone wanted to deal with. So nowadays if there is a person I think is really cool and would like to be friends with, I am terrified they will not want to get to know me because I'm not good enough for  them. For this reason I used to always wait for other people to take the initiative. In the last years I have started to make the first step sometimes, but I am very discouraged if there is any possible sign they could not be interested. This is very confusing because I can never really tell if someone is actually being flaky/uninterested or if I am overinterpreting things. As an example, my friend of 10 years has some other friends who I have sometimes met over the years and they have always been very nice to me and even mentioned possibly wanting to invite me to a moving in party sometime soon. However there was no followup yet. I reached out and tried to invite them to something on my part via my friend (since I have no direct contact to them yet) and have not gotten an answer from them in 4 days now so now I'm like.. do they want to be friends or not? And this is how it usually goes with me being confused and possibly overthinking.

It just seems like most other people make close friendships way easier and seemingly without even having to think about it.

Does this sound relatable to anyone? I realise its like a few different things smushed together...

[bloomie]

blistering - finding authentic friendship is not easy under any circumstances, but when we don't have any healthy modeling during the years we are building social skills, I have found it is even more challenging. You are not alone in this, sadly.

You seem very self aware and ready to grow and build a circle of reliable people around you. That is pretty exciting! And yes, a bit unnerving.

I have yet to have one relationship grow into friends that are family that is without risk. And that is without a willingness on my part to initiate a reasonable amount of the time.

The closest, dearest friend I have is 10 years older than me. I joined a group she was part of and we have just continued to pursue our friendship long after that group ended. So, being open to someone older than me in a different phase of life has allowed that friendship to flourish. I treasure her and she does me.

Sometimes we reach out to someone who genuinely may mean it when they say 'let's get together', but maybe the timing is off and it just doesn't go anywhere. I have learned to not take that personally and not try to push a connection that wasn't meant to be.

Developing interests or activities you can share with others may also be a way to connect in a non threatening way.

I hope you will continue to keep reaching out and pursue friendship at every level - from casual to deeper. You seem like someone that would be a lovely friend to have! A listener, willing to open up emotionally in time, appreciative and kind!

[keepmoving]

my main takeaway from being raised by an Nparent was that I got very used to (and good at) being alone.

blistering, I very much relate to the isolation of having a PD parent, I have many memories of being alone and have continued to spend alot of time alone, it's at least safe after all. But I also crave the closeness you mention, and have the same hesitancy to show any sort of interest in another person, what if they mock me? what if they use it against me?

As bloomie stated, growing relationships comes with risks, and we are not used to taking risks if we don't have to, especially with other people.

Something that has been helpful for me is to focus on one-on-one relationships, as I have a difficult time connecting deeply in a group setting.

I have one friend who I have known since 10 years now, but even with him I'm not very close emotionally. I don't know how to show my emotions or let people in. I am not a very open or warm person, mostly friendly and funny yes but I believe I am always somehow closed off as well.

I have a similar disposition, and have been told by my close friend that at first I came off reserved or like I had a wall put up. When my friend shared this with me I cried, because I did have a wall put up, and it had been keeping me from opening up to a person who has become a dear friend to me.
I mention this to say that the wall did protect us, and we needed its protection, but now it is not as necessary, we have the option to install a doorway.

I make the move from causal acquaintance to close friend, by slowly sharing more and showing more of myself and my vulnerabilities. I start small and work my way up to more important/more vulnerable things once or if I know they are trustworthy. You could even share how you are struggling moving causal friends to close friends, as this is something almost everyone struggles with. Surprisingly, being honest did not scare my friends off, it seemed to allow them the space to share their experience also, and it helped to build trust between us, that we did not judge each other for our struggles.

There is a book called 'Reinventing you Life' by Jeffrey E. Young that has a section about the negative beliefs that fuel self-isolation and how to remedy them, I'm reading it now and am finding it helpful.

I am inspired by your post to continue to open up to others, as it is so easy for me to fall back into old isolating patterns, thank you for sharing. It may take time but you can't rush old friends as they say.

[wisingup]

Hi blistering - I strongly relate to your post, as will many others I suspect.  I have a DH and two DDs that I love dearly and am close to, but I have found myself over the years craving close friendships like I had in my childhood, and also that feeling of belonging to a group or "tribe".  I find myself really wishing I had a sister, sort of a built-in best friend like of my friends do (at least those who get along with their sisters!)

I've worked at it pretty intentionally the last few years, once my kids grew up and especially after covid when my workplace went to 100% work from home. I'm still working at it, but have several groups that I consider friends, and now they are starting to overlap a bit which is lovely.  Full disclosure - I am someone who has struggled with depression, general anxiety and social anxiety over the years, so if I can do it, pretty much anyone can!

Here are some things I did that worked:
 - Joined a running club a few years ago as a total beginner.  Runners are ridiculously friendly and welcoming (all the endorphins maybe?) and the right club will  support runners at all ages and levels.  We have total beginners, runners with disabilities, and those who have completed multiple marathons.  It's very social, and after several miles of conversation, you will start to get to know these people pretty well!  And the 5Ks, 10Ks, etc along the way are fun and exciting.
 - Started playing pickleball.  I took a group lesson, then found a local place to play. if you come at the same time every week you will start to see familiar faces & strike up friendships.  Pickleball is a social game for most, & often people will go for coffee or drinks after.
 - Joined a book club.  We meet for dinner, talk about the book for about 5 minutes, then just talk about whatever.  I got a lot of these people to play pickleball, now those two groups overlap considerably.  There's also few runners in the group that I can see at races.
 - I've reached out one on one to people in these groups to try to develop closer friendships.  This part will take longer, but I feel like I'm making slow progress.  I'm prone to feeling like maybe they will just agree to hang out with me because they are polite.  But once they start reaching back out, you know they appreciate the relationship too. 
 - I still don't feel like I have a "best friend" outside my family, but I have developed a social circle that keeps me pretty busy with organized events where I know I will see friendly faces.  And slowly it sinks in that those folks are there for the same reason - they want companionship too.

Anyway, all of this was fairly deliberate on my part with the goal of making friends & it has worked.  Your activities could be totally different ones, but the key part is just showing up over & over until you feel like a real part of the group.

Best of luck to you - it is doable, and actually fun and exciting, to build an active social life!

[tf322]

Does this sound relatable to anyone? I realise its like a few different things smushed together...

You are not at all alone.  I find myself at 41 and married, my wife is my whole world.  I have insulated myself from most social interactions outside of what is necessary for work.  She's my best friend so it could be worse.  Yet, I realize that we can't just dump all of our hard feelings on one person no matter how safe it feels.  And now I'm trying to figure out how to make emotional connections after years of isolating.  How do you vet someone to know it's safe to open yourself up beyond the superficial?  It's so scary to think of showing vulnerability only to have someone reject you.  I've kept the world out of my true feelings since childhood, and it's served me well enough in keeping me safe.  But now that I'm working on healing, I'm trying to realize this is no longer an option as a growing/healing person.  I wish I had guidelines for you, but I feel like we can do this. 

You are worthy of deep friendships and love, friend.