What strategies are you finding effective in diminishing the critic?

[tf322]

With my new therapist we have for a few weeks now been starting IFS work, and we've spent most time on my gatekeeper but last session we tried interacting with the critic.  Since that session, critic has been working overtime in trying to tell me how worthless I am and that nothing I do matters.  Right now, he hits me while I'm driving to the gym with thoughts of "you'll never be fit and you'll never be attractive, so why waste your time?  Go home and play video games, you know that's what you are good at".  It almost feels like I pissed it off by talking to it in therapy.  It's making free time miserable as it won't let me enjoy things and will constantly be assaulting me with reasons why it's all a waste of time.  I know it's not effective to tell them to F themselves, but I'm getting to a point of severe anger towards the critic. 

Anyone have any thoughts, or can commiserate? 

Thank you for reading.

[Call Me Cordelia]

The critic may also seem louder right now because you're beginning to pay attention to it. It's probably been there, the whole time, just sort of as subliminal background noise but now it's front and center of your awareness. Stick with it!

[xredshoesx]

my inner critic has been at times the voice of my uPD mother, my uPD ex, and currently i'm hearing the voice of my very difficult boss when i'm feeling that inner negativity.  it helped me to put that association to WHO in my life may have given me the ideas that i was less than to work on getting that voice out of my head.   another thing that helps me is i'm a contrary person.  i don't like ANYONE telling me what i am not capable of so part of my motivation to silence ALL those voices is to prove them I CAN AND I WILL accomplish whatever the task at hand is. 

be gentle with yourself.  this is definitely a process, and the process is marathon, not a sprint.

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm sometimes not sure how to address my critic.  I read Bill Plotkin's book which really seems to say to treat the critic with kid gloves and be grateful towards them.  Then I read Pete Walker and he seems to be okay with a more aggressive response to the critic, just saying "shut up" or "F off".  I know more than anything though, you can't shut them down.  They have to be heard eventually.

I aim for somewhat of a middle ground. I ask myself questions like, "Wow, is that what I really think of myself?" or "Why am I being so hard on myself?" or "Would I ever say this to someone else? [No.] So why would I speak to myself that way?"

Sometimes I'm a little more firm. "Nope, I'm not going to talk to myself that way." or "I deserve some grace."

Though I must admit, I sometimes get tired of the critic's crap and absolutely take the Pete Walker route, lol.

[notrightinthehead]

On top of using the "give me a break" and "Stop!" strategy, I feel the critical voice needs a counterbalance. There are many free "self love affirmations/ meditations" on YouTube or e.g. Kristin Neff's website you can listen to. In the beginning you might feel some resistance to the positive affirmations; I told myself that I am just balancing out the unfair, extremely critical messages with some overly positive ones. And as you have a lifetime of unfair critical feedback you deserve many hours of praise and positive messages.

[frogjumpsout]

My impression of IFS (and maybe I've just spoken to the wrong therapists) is that it seems to have a view of the inner critic that's a good fit for those who grew up with good-enough parents, but not so great for those who grew with abuse. The inner critic is often the internalized parental voice, which can be a protector if you had good-enough parents. Then, responses like, "I hear you, but could you say that more kindly?" are helpful.

However, if the internalized parental voice is abusive, interfering with therapy or exercise, then I think it is not a protector and should not be treated as such. I'm a fan of the Pete Walker and Kris Godinez approaches -- figuring out where it comes from, talking back, and countering with what's true.

Just my untrained two cents.

[dealzz15]

I had the same problem six months ago and found this really good reddit post that shared information from peter walker about shrinking the inner critic but the website isn't working for some reason http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm it may be outdated or something

Basically though what I did and learned from it was to challenge the inner voice. The way I did this was from journaling the negative internalized thoughts and made it second person instead of first person when writing it out. So instead of I'm so stupid I changed the negative thoughts to you're so stupid. This was a great way to help recognize that the negative thoughts that come to my mind aren't my own thoughts but its from another source. Then underneath it I would challenge the thoughts in first person "I" and used evidence in my own life that would show instances where I wasn't stupid and was intelligent. Then after challenging those negative beliefs I would continue writing positive things about myself in first person and I started to show myself compassion and felt more connected with myself.

So a few examples from my notes app

- You don't belong and you'll never fit in. I know I feel this way but this isn't happening to me. I am being accepted by so many different people. They want me to be me. They want me to be there with them and to be happy. I do belong in the group. I think thats my biggest problem that I feel like I don't belong because theres something thats making me believe that I don't belong even though rationally I do belong

- You're such a burden
    - No I am not a burden, I was a child. I was asking for things that I needed. I am allow to ask for things as a child and the parent is supposed to provide it. I'm not a burden especially if you force me to do activities I hate for your own enjoyment. Since everyone has a different experience playing a sport, me not enjoying playing should have been enough for me to quit the sport. I still had no choice of my own under your house and every time I ask for something. You made me feel week by asking for help and guilted and shamed me about opening up.

Then an example of positive reinforcement

I'm ok and I'm safe right now. There's no reason for me to be worried or scared right now. There's no danger right now. I'm safe in my apartment and all of my friends are here for me. They are under this roof, in this campus or around town. I'm safe and there's no reason for me to be worried. I don't want me to be worried I'm here for me and I'm proud of all the hard work that I'm doing and all the ways I"m healing. I'm ok. I'm safe and I'm so happy that I'm here and I love myself and accept myself for being me because I am enough and I don't have to do anything to earn my love because thats somethings that I don't have to do. I will always love myself unconditionally and I will always be here for myself to support me and to love me and to protect me and thank you for all the ways that you have tried to protect me and I really appreciate  you from protecting me from danger but I'm safe right now. Theres nothing for me to be worried about. I'm good and I'm safe. There's no reason for me to worry.

I would first suggest challenging false beliefs that came from other people then work on building yourself up from positive reinforcement. Remember your mind is a place where no one else can hear your thoughts and I hope one day that it will become a safe space for you as it became for me. You are able to give yourself reinsurance and don't need to look towards other people for validation when you can validate it thoughts for yourself. I hope this helps and wishing you well. If you have any question would be happy to answer them

[tf322]

My impression of IFS (and maybe I've just spoken to the wrong therapists) is that it seems to have a view of the inner critic that's a good fit for those who grew up with good-enough parents, but not so great for those who grew with abuse. The inner critic is often the internalized parental voice, which can be a protector if you had good-enough parents. Then, responses like, "I hear you, but could you say that more kindly?" are helpful.

I love the way you phrased this.  It makes sense.  Thank you so much for your insight.  I have never thought of the critic as anything but a pathologic voice in my head.  I've never thought that for other people it might be a normal or even voice of reason. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

My inner critic absolutely hates me.

[frogjumpsout]

Oh, I'm glad that was helpful, tf322! And sorry for the late response -- I still don't Internet so good.

[frogjumpsout]

I really love dealzz15's examples, too.

[Lmoody333@gmail.com]

I think getting angry at the inner critic is a good first step! I like treating it as another person and responding to it like I would to someone talking to my kids or friends like that, but first I really have to get angry at it. The anger empowers me to protect myself. I never was able to get angry at my abusive ex and therefore didn't protect myself. I'm working on accessing more, not less of that anger! I kind of like it at the moment! I say go with the anger!