Question about Malintent

[notrightinthehead]

Many of us know these fruitless, never getting resolved, emotionally heated arguments. And the deflated regrets afterwards, that, once again we have taken the bait.
You could resolve to walk away. To change the subject. To kindly re-state your point and not engage further. Don't justify, argue, defend, explain (jade).
Whether you stay or leave, begin to implement the strategies from the Toolbox, to better protect yourself.

[Tryingtounderstand]

I am a new to this type of dynamic and keep repeatedly making the same mistake in communication. Every encounter i have just keeps dividing us further when in truth i am trying to do the opposite despite the way i present things.

[Tryingtounderstand]

Had a major episode last Sunday after asking questions about our relationship and desperately trying to communicate with my SO. Everything i asked was met with silence which further frustrated me. It was not a good moment. I violated everything in the toolbox because of my emotional dysregulation. The reason for this thread was to see if there was manipulation in any shape or form. I think I finally understand that there was in some regard. This was my bottom line. I could not wrap my head around another human being so cold that they could do that, especially someone i love dearly. The manipulation is the disorder it self and how it alters the perceptions of another.

I have never set boundaries in my life and always have been the "fixer" to a fault. Putting me first was never an option. I don't know what that even looks like and even though i know this chapter in my life is finally starting to close i cannot help feeling like i could have done more. I realize that i alone cannot "fix" things.

I just want to say i really appreciate the existence of this site. It has really been helpful in such a dark time. I wish all the pain that past and current members here could be wiped away. Everyone here is strong because of the love and compassion they have for others in their life otherwise they would have never found this place. Thank you to all.

[LemonLime]

Hi Trying,
I'm so sorry.
Jerry Wise has wonderful You Tube videos on "self-differentiation" and setting boundaries.
Also Dr. Les Carter.

Consider binge-watching these types of videos.  You can build self-esteem and boundaries at any age.

We're here for you, cheering you on!!!

[Tryingtounderstand]

I left my home for the 2nd time in two years today. I have been running on anger and resentment. As i was settling in(bedroom in house) it hit me hard the reality of what i have been through. This is only the calm before the storm and i hope i can remain strong. Leaving this toxic relationship has been the hardest thing i have ever had to do. I am full of mixed emotions and self doubt. Hats off to the ones that made it out intact. I really hope there is a light at the end. I wish everyone the best here. This is hard especially when close friends and family cant understand what i describe. It took me two years of trying to understand. Be well:)

[square]

Wishing you strength and peace.

[sunshine702]

Thank you for the reply, much appreciated. I am not exactly new to the subject i have been educating myself over the past year and a half. Im am new to this community. Its great to have resources like this but on the flip side i wish i didnt know about any of this. Npd, pd, bpd were things i knew nothing about. I mean we all have our issues myself included but this is a whole other dimension. I was naive plus my previous relationships were not healthy either. I have never know what it was like to have a healthy committed relationship before. The reason this all became apparent was because i wanted to improve myself(which admittedly i needed) and my relationship. This is where i realized a lot about myself and what i really wanted in a relationship. I stopped drinking the cool aid so to speak and put my best foot forward. Right now i need to focus my attention on myself because i am obsessing on this and it isn't healthy. Thing is i dont want another decade to pass me by to be in the same situation. I am loyal and committed and never give up on someone i love but it feels like it wouldn't be reciprocated if push comes to shove. Trauma is a hell of a thing but i wouldn't know about it because i was loved and felt safe as a child.

I could have written these EXACT words.  And yes this is my 2nd mental illness relationship too.  My first was NPD and this is BPD. My life with NPD mom set me up for this.

You feel used because it is happening.  Subtly but happening.

How are you doing?  Are you sleeeping? Are you eating?

[sunshine702]

I could have written those exact words.  Down to the feeling used moment.

So I left. I think he has BPD and a weep at how toxic we are. 

I move in to me new apt Wed.  I am taking some solace in that it was always broken.  I was loyal but it was not enough.  His brain chemistry says I am bad. 

Leaving is one of the most painful things I have ever done.  It's like my skin is off now. 

[Tryingtounderstand]

I am eating and sleeping. I am still ruminating and heartbroken. I feel defeated and think i could have done more. I have been looking at alternate therapies like Emotional focus therapy but then come to the realization that probably wont work. We haven't spoke since i left and I'm sure she doesn't feel the way i do. If she did she would reach out like i always have in the past. I would always welcome her with open arms. I want to reach out because that is how i am wired but i know it's useless. It would be nice just to hug one another and say everything will be fine but this is not possible.

[sunshine702]

Hi Trying,
I'm so sorry.
Jerry Wise has wonderful You Tube videos on "self-differentiation" and setting boundaries.
Also Dr. Les Carter.

Consider binge-watching these types of videos.  You can build self-esteem and boundaries at any age.

We're here for you, cheering you on!!!

and Dr Ramani

[sunshine702]

So one day I was discussing my difficult mother on a chat board of Atheists.  It was a small group but very smart and caring.  Someone suggested I look at Narcissism.  That what I was describing - the triangulation and looks over feelings was textbook.  I started reading that was in 2010 and it all clicked in!

Yes if this partner is a Narc then yes you are being manipulated and they are using you.  But that does not mean you have to leave - we don't do these "have to" judgements here.  It would suggest start journaling. My old journal post here made me realize how not ok that situation was 3 years ago but in the day to day of it it will just be confusing.

Knowing really does help.  You see things as their disorder not what the heck is wrong with me — nothing!!

Welcome dear this is a psychologically safe place

[Tryingtounderstand]

Sunshine, the last 2 years have wrecked me emotionally, physically and financially. The worst part is it has change my beliefs in humanity as a whole. I always saw the good in people. I always believed even if you are behaving badly that person can be reached and reasoned with. I cant believe this type of personality exits. I still cant wrap my head around it even though I have accepted it. I am seeking a higher level of therapy because i feel i have outgrown my existing therapist because they do not understand. This whole experience has done a number on me.