Hello

[Plumandine]

I am in my early 30s, and had to move back with my parents just before Covid. It was a simultaneous one-two-three punch of my grandmother dying, a financial crisis, and my friend group imploding, that just flattened me, and I told myself that it would be okay and I wouldn't be there very long Unfortunately my situation has been very up and down since then, not helped by them as you can imagine. I wouldn't feel comfortable attempting to apply any specific diagnoses to either one, but obviously I felt like this was the right place to come to vent about them. They are consistently inconsistent and when it's not one, it's the other.

It's my first time on the forum, but I'd previously known they were a problem if not why, and I think perhaps not knowing was why, when I did live outside of home and was NC with them, I had serious problems with attracting selfish or hostile people, often addicts, and ending up in some complicated living situations. I think moving back at the time felt 'better the devil you know'. I'm hoping to do more self-work this time and hopefully get it right when I'm able to move out financially next, although I'm not sure when that will be - at least a year, probably. 

Cautiously optimistic about joining here 

[Plumandine]

I've been reading the other welcome threads and seen people give more detailed explanations of their situations, here's mine:

my father has done quite well for himself out of being a self-employed contractor, is now retired, has a group of friends who have done even better for themselves and like to show off. He believes and has always believed that wealthy people are some kind of special group of more important humans than the rest of us, and that he is one of them, but is also afraid of losing his place among the special people. He is fine financially, but wants to match the level of wealth his friends have, and has recently developed a scratchcard addiction. Sometimes he buys a scratchcard 'for me' because it's my birthday or sometimes just because he saw a lucky sign that morning, and then watches me while I scratch it, because I have to scratch it straight away. It's very awkward but there's nothing I can do about it so I just tell him to do them for me.

My mother feels very hard done by, despite also having done well enough for herself, and feels like nobody appreciates her or understands what she's been through. It is impossible not to understand what she's been through because you can't actually get an answer to any question without an unrelated anecdote that takes twenty minutes. She constantly claims that I visibly become disengaged or disappointed when I enter a room or answer the phone and realise it's her, although by this point that has probably become a self-fulfilling prophecy because I know the accusation is coming either way. She's also starting to lose the friends she made through work over time and while she works part-time in a different area now doesn't really seem to be making any new ones, so her focus is very much on me to entertain her or keep her occupied and stop her from feeling lonely. I've set boundaries around this but she is relentless.

The weird thing about them is that when I moved back in with them, it was like they had switched personalities. When I was a teenager, my dad was the always miserable one who felt like he wasn't fulfilling his potential and he would accuse me of undermining him and his achievements, and my mother was the one who always had a new story about how she'd done this amazing new thing at work, and she had all these influential connections in her field, etc.

I feel very embarrassed to be stuck back at home at such a late age, and honestly it's probably a flea of mine that sometimes I feel jealous of women who have kids and have left a bad relationship (although I don't want them) because it feels like they will have 'something to show' for that time whereas I feel like the time I spent away from home has essentially vanished without a trace or become meaningless.

[xredshoesx]

welcome plumandine

COVID was a disruptor for so many people.  having to move home after becoming an adult is one thing, having to move home again with emotionally abusive people is a whole different level of challenge.


in my situation i was 'permitted' to return home again at 20 after running away when i was 17.  it wasn't my mother i had to ask, it was her abusive parents.  i had to grovel, beg, agree to their 'rules' which included not cutting my hair and wearing a dress/ skirt in their presence..... PLUS i was expected to pay rent but was not allowed a housekey.....

meanwhile my mother was also living with them rent free.......and allowed to wear pants and smoke.  make it make sense, i know.

my only chance of surviving them was focusing my every effort on getting out. the one thing i wish i would have done differently was gotten myself into therapy then as opposed to when i was im my mid 30s because the entire experience put me at a greater risk of being codependent in other relationships.  i worked hard and rewrote my story.

you've got a chance to rewrite your own story as you start taking these baby steps Out of the FOG.  what does plumadine want?  where does plumadine see as a good ending for this story?  it's possible to keep a relationship with difficult people with boundaries in place-  we just need to know what you want this relationship with your parents (and others) to look like.

[bloomie]

Plumandine - welcome! 

Thank you for sharing the circumstances you find yourself facing having to return back to your parents' home. I am thankful you have found us, but so sorry for the difficulties facing you.

So many people's forward trajectory was displaced and disrupted by the pandemic. You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of. Please reread that! 

xredshoesx has already given you great thoughts and insights and I second every one. It takes time and fortitude to begin to climb out of an uncomfortably comfortable situation. And the only way I know to separate yourself is one step at a time.

You are not your mother's new bestie and cheerleader. You are not your father's excuse to indulge in what may be becoming a toxic habit. You are an individual with your own hopes and dreams and are taking the opportunity to begin to build a support system around yourself to give you encouragement as you make your way to healing, peace, and independence.

Keep coming back!

[Plumandine]

in my situation i was 'permitted' to return home again at 20 after running away when i was 17.  it wasn't my mother i had to ask, it was her abusive parents.  i had to grovel, beg, agree to their 'rules' which included not cutting my hair and wearing a dress/ skirt in their presence..... PLUS i was expected to pay rent but was not allowed a housekey.....

meanwhile my mother was also living with them rent free.......and allowed to wear pants and smoke.  make it make sense, i know.

I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that. I'm familiar with that sort of rules for thee but not for me situation, I know how frustrating it is. I'm not sure what I would consider a good ending to this story, but I will definitely be considering the question. I happened to come across a podcast episode that asks the same question the other day: the podcast is called 'Hidden Brain' and the episode is 'Healing 2.0: Change Your Story, Change Your Life'. I've been listening to that and some of their other episodes and finding them very motivating / comforting / both at once.

So many people's forward trajectory was displaced and disrupted by the pandemic. You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of. Please reread that! 

xredshoesx has already given you great thoughts and insights and I second every one. It takes time and fortitude to begin to climb out of an uncomfortably comfortable situation.

Thank you for your well wishes! 'uncomfortably comfortable' is a very good way to put it and I hate how that feeling has sort of snuck up on me, as when I originally returned home I set a lot of boundaries and made clear that certain ways of behaving / treating me weren't okay any more. They stuck to that for a while, obviously, but now their outsized reactions to even small pushbacks have become stronger & more confident now that they think I'm probably stuck here.

Thank you both for your support, it's good to know that other people understand what I'm dealing with, and it gives me a space to vent about the changes I'm making on the quiet. Something I've really fallen back into is feeling like I need to tell my mother everything and feeling incredibly guilty if I don't, almost like a compulsion, even though I already know from moving out the first time that it's about quietly making changes and moves in private and keeping things to myself, or at least not sharing with them. Thank you for creating / supporting the space to share here!

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I wish you well in making your plans and I hope you can find a way to get out of there soon. In the meantime you are very wise not to share.

I find it amazing how many random things seem to crop up within the class of PD people. Scratchcards! My uNPD mother absolutely adores them and we have to have scratching sessions when the FOO gets together. I find them boring and tiresome. And now my sister has decided they are an excellent birthday gift for me because they don't cost a lot in postage and are not expensive, but the "possibility" of a decent win seems to make her think they look like a generous gift.

[Plumandine]

I don't like them either - he has to watch me do it, and it's clear that, at best, he's going to snatch it right back out of my hands and probably say it's his because he bought it if it did come up with anything. I imagine your sister would at least be expecting you to share 50/50 if you won! That it was a gift would probably be forgotten.