Hello, It's Been A Bit - A lot has happened

[JustKeepTrying]

I have not been on this board in months.  Months and months.  But a lot has happened and as I sit here in my campsite and realize that I have connection (which is rare) and time (even more rare) and no where to go because it is so cold.  I was journaling and thinking of the community here and all that you have given me.

I am nine months into the full time travel in my tiny campervan.  I have visited half of the US so far.  For the first time since my divorce (32 years married to OCPD) I am considering not running.  Nor do I feel the need to run anymore.  I talk to my therapist twice a day via an app (7cups); practice Tara Brach's RAIN meditation consistently; meditate twice a day; exercise and try, oh it's hard, to eat right.  My definitive cancer remission last June has shifted my mentality greatly -  like perhaps I will live longer than another year or so.  It took me a long time to come to terms with it.

I fell in love. With another narcissist. There was a stalking situation and I quickly shut it all down. Changed everthing and left the area - No way to track me now.  Oh how easily I slid into those habits.  It propelled me back into CODA and relooking at myself.  I was down for quite some time but then I realized something quite fundamental - I left - again.  I left.  I choose again that this is not right for me and I left. That piece of empowering mental switch had me ramping up more therapy and after a few months - I met someone else - and we have been together for a bit now and he is a lovely man.  Marriage is not in the cards for me but it is nice to know that my heart has not hardened.

I am on daily adventures.  Really facing my fears and anxiety that I don't have it in me to do this.  In areas of the country (US) that I have not been.  I saw a mountain lion today - crossed the road while I was driving - and I just sat there in wonder.  This is happening to me almost daily these moments of wonder.

I never thought I would be here.

I still struggle with depression.  Long and deep bouts of it that sneak up quickly and quietly. Some scary times I considered walking up to the line - those long and dark evenings when I felt so very alone. I pulled myself back and frankly, I recognize now that it is not uncommon for someone to have survived the trauma that I have - to experience this.  But i have so many more tools in my box than when i started this journey five years ago. I don't get as angry and anxious.  I am able to pull myself back and recognize the ruminating thoughts.  I have not had a PTSD seizure in over a year!!!  That alone is worth celebrating.

I am talking to my children - there is still lots of hurt and pain there - but we are talking and visiting and reaching out to each other.  And that is absolutely lovely.

I have had many flashbacks to the childhood sexual abuse - little bits and pieces - when I finally closed the last of the trauma on my ex's physical abuse, these core memories began to appear.  I worked with a psychiatrist and therapist and we all decided to let them lie.  My mind is protecting me.  I think I will let it.

I am embracing my spiritual side.  Not organized religion per se. But my relationship with God.  In my own way.  And that alone has given me grounding.

I don't know how long I will do this.  Or when I will post with you all again. I think of you all often.  But for me, I needed to look forward.  To not bring it in to my life everyday.  My therapist calls it integrating the trauma and that I am moving into the thriving stage where it just is.  It is a part of my past. My life.  But not all my life.

And that is beautiful.

[SonofThunder]

Hi JKT!! How lovely to see a message from you!

That post was very well written and a joy to get your update as you continue the adventures. The openness to discuss both the light and dark sides in your experiences, radiates trust out to the reader.

Agree with you fully on the folks here at Out of the FOG, all of us caring deeply for one another as we walk these trails together.  Thank you for your Out of the FOG friendship and continuing to share your journey with comrades. 

I will say a prayer tonight for you; a strong fighter with an awesome custom cane and a camper-van somewhere out there in these great United States in which I also call home. My hat tips to you JKT.

Bye for now,

SoT

[square]

It is lovely to see you indeed, JKT. Thank you for the update, and keep sharing if you can and are so inclined. 

[losingmyself]

Thanks for the update, it's so nice to hear from you! I'm glad to hear how you're healing.  It's a long process!
Stay safe. And be happy and free! You deserve it!
LM

[bloomie]

JustKeepTrying - what a lovely thing to see your handle and read your post. Imagining us all looking at the same night sky as we continue to journey and are far better off for having crossed paths!